-Grey
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: May 2, 2:02 AM
SUBJECT: Re: Sorry
Grey,
It’s two in the morning and everything hurts. By everything, I mean every single thing.
My legs ache. My back is sore. My throat is dry. My eyes burn.
I can’t breathe.
Every time I think about it, I fall apart, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s just a nonstop cycle of falling apart over and over again.
I just want her back.
I’m going to be fucked up for a good minute…maybe even for quite a few.
-Ellie
17
Eleanor
“Hello?” My voice cracked as I said the words. It was three in the morning as I answered my cell phone, and after a day of crying, my vocal cords were exhausted.
“Hi, Ellie.” Greyson’s voice was low and tired. For a minute, I thought I was dreaming. “Were you sleeping?”
“No.” I sat up a bit in bed. “I can’t.”
“Yeah. That makes sense.”
“What are you doing up so late?”
“I couldn’t sleep. So, I checked my email and figured I’d call. I just wanted to make sure you were breathing.”
Tears began rolling down my face as I clenched the phone to my ear. “I can’t talk, Grey. It hurts too much to talk.”
“That’s fine. We don’t have to talk. We can just keep our phones pressed to our ears. Okay?”
I nodded as if he could see me. “Okay.”
I lay back down and kept the cell phone glued to my ear. His breaths were light through the receiver, but I was thankful for them. At some point, I fell asleep, and when I woke up again, his snores were still coming through the speaker.
It was quiet, and he was snoring, and tears were falling down my cheeks as I listened.
That was the very minute I knew I loved him—when I was broken-hearted at four in the morning and he still showed up for me.
Even though he hadn’t said it, I was certain he loved me, too. People didn’t have to talk about love to know it existed. Love wasn’t only real because someone said it out loud. No, love just kind of sat there quietly, in the shadows of the night, healing the cracks that lived in our hearts.
18
Eleanor
Dad hadn’t left his room in days.
I’d lost track of how many times I’d checked on him just to make sure he was remembering to breathe. Camila and Shay came down to help with the funeral service, and I was thankful for that. Without my aunt, nothing would’ve gotten done.
Shay stayed by my side day and night. She made sure I was eating, even though I didn’t want to, and she’d check on Dad for me when it was too hard for me to see him like that.
There was a bottle of whiskey that sat on his nightstand, and each time I looked in, more of it was gone. He was self-destructing, and I didn’t know how to help bring him back to life.
Truth was, the only person able to keep my father grounded was now gone.
The love of his life had left his side, and he didn’t have a clue how to live in a world where she no longer resided.
There was no Kevin without a Paige.
There was an eerie quietness that filled our house, an uneasy feeling over everything. So, at night, I’d go stand by the water and listen to the waves crash against the shore.
That was where I felt her most—near the water. It was as if somehow she’d cheated death and landed within the waves.
On the day of the funeral, I walked by to see Camila forcing Dad out of bed. “There’s going to be a lot of days when you are down, Kevin,” she assured him, “but not today. Today you have to get up.”
Somehow, she convinced him to get out of the bed and to get dressed. I was thankful for that.
It wasn’t a big funeral, just the four of us. The service took place right there on the beach near the water.
It was what Mom had wanted, a celebration near the waves.
As I stood in the sand, my chest tightened when I saw a certain boy walking my way. The closer Greyson grew, the more confused I felt.
“Hi, Ellie,” he said with the saddest eyes ever.
“What are you…” I glanced over my shoulder toward Shay and she gave me a smile that was meant to reassure. I looked back to Greyson. “What are you doing here?”
He gave me that small smile I’d missed so much and shrugged a shoulder. “You would be shocked by how easy it is to book a plane ticket with your parents’ credit card. Sorry I’m late. My taxi driver got lost.”
I leaped into his arms without any thought. Without hesitation. Without words.
Luckily, he didn’t need words. He wrapped me in his arms and held me tight.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “She was the best.”
Yes, she was.
We walked over to the shore right as the ceremony was about to begin. In my left hand was Shay’s hand, and in my right, Greyson’s. Every time my body began to shake, they kept me steady. My stare stayed on Dad the whole time, but he didn’t look at me. He hadn’t looked at me in days. I tried not to think too much about it.
I knew he was hurting, and I knew I had Mom’s eyes. I could hardly look at myself in a mirror without tearing up.
Afterward, we were given Mom’s ashes, and we took the urn inside and set it on top of the mantel. That was where it’d stay until we figured out where to spread the ashes.
I snuck off to my bedroom to get a breath of air, and it didn’t take long for Greyson to find me.
“Are you okay?” he asked, standing in the doorway.
“No, not really.”
“Do you want to be alone?”
“No…not really.”
He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed with his hands gripping the side of the mattress. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know I keep saying it, and I know it doesn’t do anything at all, but I am. I’m so sorry, Ellie.”
He placed his hand on top of mine, and so many feelings raced through me. I knew in my heart he’d always be one of the most important people in the world to me.
“Thanks, Grey. That means a lot.”
“I just wish I could do more.”
If only he knew how much just being there meant. That was enough.
We lay down in bed facing each other and didn’t really say much, because there wasn’t much that needed to be said. He was there, I was there, and we were us.
“He doesn’t plan to go back,” I whispered, my head resting on the pillow.
“What?”
“My father. I heard him talking to Camila. He’s thinking about selling our house back home.”
“But I thought…I thought you guys would come back. I thought you’d be coming home.”
“Yeah…I thought that, too.”
The fairy tale part of me had thought I’d go back to Illinois, had thought Greyson and I could fall back together. I figured I’d be going to college up there, and even if we hadn’t gone to the same university, we’d be close enough to at least be with each other.
But, fairy tales aren’t real, and the reality of it was that I couldn’t leave my father, not when he was as broken as he was. If he was staying in Florida, I was going to stay right there with him. I’d made a promise to my mother, and I had no plans of breaking it.
“I just thought we’d have the summer, at least,” he said softly as he placed his hand on top of mine. “But it looks like we only have now.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be. Now is enough.”
“You go home tomorrow?” I asked after Greyson yawned, which made me yawn, too.
“Yeah. Pretty early. Camila said she’ll take me to the airport,” he told me.
“Grey?”
“Yes, Ellie?”
“How long will I be sad?”
He shrugged his shoulders before he combed my hair behind my ears. �
�For as long as it takes. There’s no rush to be happy, that will come when it’s ready.” I yawned again, and he smiled. “Get some sleep, Ellie.”
“You’ll stay with me?” I asked.
He moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I slept awful that night. My sleep had been bad since Mom passed away. I’d randomly wake up from panics, in sweats, after twisting and turning nonstop.
When I awakened, Greyson was there to soothe me. He held me tight as I cried against his T-shirt. He told me it was fine to break, because he was there to pick up every broken piece of me.
“Still here, Ellie,” he whispered as my head lay against his chest.
He was still there.
When morning came and it was time for our goodbyes, I wasn’t ready for him to go. Truth was, I’d never be ready to say goodbye to him.
He held me in his arms, and I held him back. “Thank you for coming.”
“Thank you for everything,” he replied before whispering against my ear. “You have her smile. Did you know that? You have your mom’s smile.”
That made me hold him even tighter.
“What now?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” I didn’t have a clue what happened next.
“We’ll keep in touch, yeah? With email? Or you can call me? Or anything…”
“Of course, but also, I want you to live up college.”
“And you live up your life down here, too.”
“We’ll check in,” I swore. “On the good days and the bad.”
“Always. Especially on the bad. When the hard things happen, we lean on each other. Okay?”
“Pinky promise?” I held out my hand.
He linked his pinky with mine. “Pinky promise.” He slipped his hands into his pockets and swayed. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you, Ellie. I don’t know how to let you go.”
“No need to let go. I’m always here.”
He moved in closer and enveloped his arms around me. I fell into him the same way I always did—effortlessly. Our foreheads touched, and we took our breaths together. In that moment, our timing was right. He was there, and I was there, and we were one.
“I love you, Ellie,” he whispered as his lips hovered ever so close to mine. “I know it’s bad timing, and I know I probably shouldn’t say it, but I love you. I love everything about you, even the parts you think are too sad to be loved. I think those parts are the most beautiful. I think all the parts of you are perfect, and I just wanted you to know that you are the first person I’ve ever loved, and it’s easy to do it. It’s so easy to love you.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks and I smiled because I knew. “I love you, too, Greyson. Every single part of you.”
How could I not? He was him, and I was me, and we were us.
“Ellie?”
“Yes, Grey?”
“Would it make it harder to walk away if I kissed you?” he asked.
“Yes.” I moved in closer, so close that his lips were millimeters from mine, so close that his breaths out became my breaths in. We were so close that my mind had already decided it was going to be the best goodbye kiss of my life. “But do it anyway.”
And then he did.
19
Greyson
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 24, 8:54 PM
SUBJECT: College
Hey Ellie,
Sorry it’s been a while. College is crazy, and there’s something going on every single day. Parties don’t only happen on the weekends. They’re on Tuesdays and Thursdays, too. Also on Mondays and Wednesdays. Every single day.
Classes are harder than high school. There are a lot of times I’m not even sure I can keep up with the work.
How are things going for you? And work? You started nannying for that new family, right?
You said you’re picking up a few night classes at a campus, right?
Did you hear about this new website called TheFacebook? It’s only for college students, but it’s kind of cool. It’s a new way to connect to people. You should get on it. I’ll make sure to be your first friendship over there.
I’m mostly on that now, instead of AOL instant messenger, but I still keep signing on to see if you’re around when I have free time. You never are. Night classes don’t help any. Let me know if you have any free time this week for a phone chat and maybe we can schedule it in?
-Grey
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 26, 7:21am
SUBJECT: Re: College
Grey,
No need for the apologies, really. I knew you’d be busy. Every time I get to hear from you is always good in my book.
Things are going well so far, but I have to admit it’s a little hard working full-time and going to school part-time. I feel like whenever I do get a break, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep until the new year.
On the plus side, the kids I’m nannying are very fun! They keep me on my toes, and it keeps me busy. If I’m not busy I have to be around my dad, and he’s way too sad to be around.
I wonder if he’ll ever get back to normal. The more time that passes, the more unlikely it seems.
I have my night class on Tuesday and Thursday, but maybe Friday night? Call me then?
-Ellie
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 26, 5:32pm
SUBJECT: Re: Re: College
Shit. I made plans with my roommate Friday night. Saturday afternoon around 2?
-Grey
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 27, 7:11am
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: College
I have to take the kids to karate. Sunday night?
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 27, 8:01pm
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: College
I have a club meeting that night.
Damn.
We’ll figure something out.
Just miss you, is all.
-Grey
FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
DATE: September 28, 7:22am
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: College
Grey,
I miss you, too.
Obviously.
Yeah.
We’ll figure something out.
-Ellie
20
Eleanor
We tried our best, but it was a struggle. As the weeks and months went on, Greyson and I kept missing each other, and even though we tried our best to keep in contact, life made it harder. Our schedules clashed, our timing was off, and it always felt as if we were just one second behind.
Our emails got shorter.
Life became busier.
Greyson and I each lived our lives on different timelines.
I held on to my promise to Mom to keep finding reasons to smile, though living with my father made it a little harder. He was still drowning, and I swore each day he pushed me further away. We were evolving in different ways, and the close bond we’d once shared was slowly diminishing.
Each day that passed, I kept finding my smiles. Each day that passed, I always had conversations with Mom, filling her in on the ups and downs of my life.
Even though some days were tough, I was finding a new form of happiness.
Because that was all I’d ever wanted to be: happy.
Just like the dragonflies buzzing by, every now and then Greyson East would cross my mind, and without any more thought than that, I’d smile. I never thought too deeply about him being on my mind. I just let the thoughts linger for however long they needed to. I learned to appreciate him somehow coming back to me, in a way. The best part of memories is how they can reappear from the most random things. I’d think of h
im when I saw red licorice, or whenever I flipped past a kung fu movie on television, or thought about the most defining moments of my life, he’d always show up during those moments of reflection.
I’d always be thankful for the memories and the way he’d held me up during the darkest moments of my life when all I had wanted to do was drown.
I also made a promise to myself that if life ever brought us back to each other, if the stars aligned and somehow our paths cross once more, I swore, like the waves on the shore, I’d completely crash into him.
Part II
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle.
To love someone is to strive to accept that person
exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”
-Fred Rogers
21
Eleanor
Illinois, 2019
Riley Larson was turning five years old in two months, and I hadn’t stopped thinking about it. I’d been thinking about her turning five since the day I met her. Most people were excited when a child turned five. It meant they were off to school to learn and grow and become more of the person they were meant to be. To me, though…to me it felt like a kiss of death.
Because, when Riley turned five, that meant she was off to kindergarten, and what was the point of a nanny when a child was in kindergarten all day?
For after-school activities? That was when a parent brought in a babysitter, not a nanny. Soon enough I’d be replaced by a thirteen-year-old girl who would gladly accept twenty bucks to watch Riley.
I’d been dreading the day Riley’s mother, Susan, asked me to meet up with her for brunch to talk while her husband had a ‘daddy and me’ day with Riley. Nothing good ever came from brunch conversations with your boss, except for the bottomless mimosas I was gulping down to tame my nerves.
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