‘Oh, Rafe.’
Pushing out of his chair in frustration, Rafe glared at his sympathetic sister before stalking to the window. He angled himself against the window, wishing he was standing out there so that the icy blasts could numb the sudden pain in his chest.
‘You really, really love her, don’t you?’ Milena prodded gently.
‘If this is love you can have it,’ he growled. ‘Next time I accuse you of the same thing you can throw this back in my face.’
‘I don’t want to throw this back in your face. I want to help you fix it. But I think you’re afraid.’
‘Really?’ He didn’t try to keep the sneer from his voice. ‘First Alexa, and now you. What exactly do you think I’m afraid of?’
‘Feeling. Love.’
Rafe scoffed. ‘Love doesn’t exist.’ Even if for a brief moment he had thought he’d felt it for Alexa. ‘And if you go around thinking it does you’ll experience a world of pain.’
‘Like we did as kids? I was young when Mum left but I remember how upset you were. You punched a hole in the wall, remember? You broke two knuckles and had to have your hand bandaged for six weeks.’
‘How do you know I punched the wall?’
‘I saw you. And ever since then, it seems to me, you’ve closed your heart off to everyone around you. Including me and Jag.’
Rafe gave her a bleak look. ‘I’m always there for you if you need me, you know that.’
‘I do.’ She touched his arm. ‘But you won’t let us be there for you when you need us.’
‘That’s because I don’t need anyone.’
But the words rang hollow inside his heart. If he didn’t need anyone why didn’t he feel okay with Alexa leaving? Why did his life seem so colourless all of a sudden?
Rafe swore.
Milena smiled. ‘I know love isn’t a comfortable concept for you but she loves you too.’
‘How would you know?’
‘The same way I know you love her. It’s the way you look at each other. Like the other person is the most perfect person in the world for you. Jag and Regan have the same thing going on, and I swear one day I want someone to look at me the way you two look at your wives.’
Fear made him want to snap at her and say it wasn’t true but, unfortunately, what she said fitted. It explained the hard lump in his throat on the morning he’d woken to find Alexa gone, and the hollow feeling inside him every day since. It explained why for the first time in his adult life he didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.
Rafe let his head fall into his hands and acknowledged what he’d always known to be true. He loved his wife. He loved Alexa, and it wasn’t going to go away.
He remembered noticing her at a formal function when she had been a shy teenager on the verge of womanhood. Even then there had been something compelling about her that had held his attention. Something about her that had made him want to protect her.
But her loving him in return?
‘I think you’re forgetting that she left, Milena. If you love someone you don’t walk out on them in the middle of the night.’
‘Like our mother?’ she asked softly. ‘Alexa isn’t our mother, Rafe. And who knows what would have happened if our father had gone after her? Maybe she would have come back and our life would have turned out very differently.’
‘I don’t know—’
‘And you won’t if you give up.’
Those words jolted something deep inside him. ‘I don’t give up.’
His sister’s brow arched. ‘So why haven’t you asked her why she left instead of presuming that you already know the answer?’
Because he was petrified of stuffing things up and feeling like a fool. Because he was petrified of feeling even worse than he did now. If that was even possible.
‘How did you get to be so smart?’
‘Observing two thick-headed brothers my whole life.’
Rafe gave her a faint smile and palmed his keys. ‘I owe you one,’ he said, heading for the door.
‘I know.’ She grinned broadly. ‘And I’ll be sure to collect on it.’
* * *
Alexa flicked through the pages of notes Nasrin had printed out for her. She was up to page twenty of fifty so she really needed to get a wriggle on if she was going to at least know something of the details about the one hundred guests who would be attending tonight’s trade dinner. Usually she would have done this already, but she couldn’t seem to muster the enthusiasm for it right now.
She knew what was wrong. She’d been back in Berenia for just over a week and nothing felt right. Not that anyone would guess. She’d upped her game face and had been putting on a good front. Had been trying to convince herself that it was silly to feel bad about something that had only been temporary to begin with. Which was exactly what she’d said to Nasrin when she’d been confronted with her EA’s crestfallen face.
‘But I was sure it was going to work out,’ Nasrin had moaned when she’d returned sans Rafe. ‘The way you looked at each other at the wedding. That kiss.’
The way Alexa remembered it, Rafe had been horrified to see her walk down the aisle, and she’d been similarly placed—or rather displaced—so she had no idea what Nasrin was talking about.
It had taken half an hour of convincing, but finally Nasrin had gone quiet on the subject, or perhaps she’d gone quiet because she’d had no choice. Either way, Alexa had been relieved to not have to talk about Rafe.
Her father had naturally asked where her husband was and when he planned to move to Berenia, but Alexa had put him off too, turning the topic of the conversation to business to distract him, all the while knowing that she really needed to come clean about her marriage sooner rather than later.
And she would. She’d just needed another week or so to mourn in private before she closed the ‘Rafe’ chapter of her life. She supposed it had been cowardly to sneak out of his apartment while he’d been asleep, but at the time she hadn’t cared. She’d just wanted it to be easy. And she’d left him a note. Thanks for everything. Call if you need me.
Of course he hadn’t called; she hadn’t expected that he would. And that was okay, because that was easier too.
‘Are you ready, Your Highness?’
Alexa glanced at Nasrin and gave a silent groan. She was still on page twenty, the illness she’d been fighting since her return to Berenia making her feel dizzy at times. ‘I haven’t quite finished the notes you made. Is there anything in particular I should be aware of? Any topics of conversation I need to avoid?’
Nasrin rattled off a couple of things for her to consider but Alexa had to force herself to concentrate. Don’t mention climate change to the Minister of the Russian Interior, and remember to congratulate the Ambassador of France on their latest election results, and absolutely steer clear of the Prince of Tongase because he would bend her ear back about export deals given half a chance.
Logging the details in her memory, Alexa gave her reflection a quick once-over. She’d opted for a simple navy blue sheath tonight and pinned her hair back into a tightly coiled bun.
Her image said that she meant business and she did. The time she’d spent with Rafe lazing around in bed or exploring the countryside was like a distant dream that had happened to someone else.
‘The King and Queen of Santara sent a thank you card for Princess Jana’s gift. They won’t be attending tonight, but that was to be expected. The King hasn’t left his wife’s side since the birth.’
Alexa gave Nasrin a small smile. The last thing she wanted to hear about was how much the King of Santara cared about his Queen. ‘And my father?’
‘He’s waiting for you in the south parlour. Are you sure you’re up to this, Your Highness? You look a little pale.’
‘I’m fine.’
She wasn’t fine. She want
ed to lie down in her bed and go to sleep. Maybe for one hundred years. Smiling at the irony of how her mind had turned to a fairy tale, she shook her head. She’d been awakened by her very own Prince Charming—literally—but he still hadn’t wanted her in the end. He hadn’t even attempted to contact her since she’d left. Not that she’d wanted him to. A clean break was much better.
Heading to the south parlour, she knocked quietly before entering and found her father leaning against the fireplace. His eyes scanned her and he scowled. ‘You don’t look well.’
Alexa grimaced. ‘Thank you, Father. The same goes for you.’ Her father had been fighting a head cold since she’d returned, probably what she was struggling with herself, and should have been in bed. ‘I’m more than happy to attend tonight’s dinner without you if you’d rather rest.’
‘I can rest when I’m dead,’ her father argued. ‘And you should have support tonight. That husband of yours should be here.’
Alexa had been hoping he wouldn’t bring up Rafe’s absence again but...so be it.
She gave a faint smile at the memory of the last time Rafe had muttered those words. Sealing his fate in agreeing to marry her.
But she couldn’t think about Rafe right now, not in that way; she’d probably start leaking tears all over the place and her father would guess how devastated she was. But maybe now was the time to mention the true nature of her relationship with Rafe. That way, her father wouldn’t have a lot of time to grill her about it, and it would give him time to process the details before they met up next.
Taking the bull by the horns, Alexa perched on the chair opposite the fireplace. ‘Before we head down the stairs there’s something I need to tell you about Prince Rafaele and myself. And I want you to know from the outset that the whole idea was mine so any complaints or issues you have should be solely directed at me.’
To give him his due, her father listened patiently as she gave him the CliffsNotes version as to what had happened, leaving out the part where she had fallen hopelessly in love with her husband and how he didn’t love her back. That he would never love her back. Her father didn’t need to know everything.
But she told him the rest. She told him about her proposal, and Rafe turning her down; she told him how they had never meant to actually go through with the wedding, and the marriage bargain they’d worked out between them. She also told him that Rafe had turned out to be nothing like she’d expected, and that he was actually a decent, hard-working man who cared deeply about those he loved. ‘And now I’m back,’ she said, struggling to remain composed. ‘And, as you can see, ready to resume my duties.’
‘I see. So what happens now?’ he asked, his frown revealing how unimpressed he was with her actions.
‘Now we stay married for five more months, and then quietly go our separate ways.’
‘You should have told me this earlier.’
‘Would you have listened?’
Previously, Alexa would never have asked her father such an impertinent question, but he needed to know that she wasn’t the same person she had been before she’d married Rafe. She’d grown up in Rafe’s arms and she didn’t want to go back to the way things had been before. With her ostensibly being a yes person to please her father.
‘Perhaps not,’ he conceded. ‘But I’m listening now.’ He straightened his cuffs. ‘However, it is time we went down to the receiving line. Our guests will be arriving at any moment.
‘Of course. But Father...’ Alexa mulled over her next words. ‘I know you don’t feel that I’m able to do this job alone, but I’m going to prove you wrong. I will make a worthy Queen of Berenia in Sol’s stead.’
Her father stopped and frowned at her. ‘I’ve never thought you incapable of being anything but an incredible leader of our people. But this is a lonely job, Alexa. It will be harder for you to find a suitable spouse once you become Queen, and I don’t want you to rule alone. It’s too hard.’
Her father’s lined face turned weary and Alexa’s heart jumped in alarm. ‘Father—’
‘I’m fine. Just... I miss your mother. And never more so than when you are opposite me looking as beautiful as she once was.’
‘But I never knew that was how you felt.’
A faint smile twisted her father’s lips. ‘Why do you think I never remarried? There was no one to replace her. And I didn’t want that for you. Rightly or wrongly, I didn’t want you or Sol to become so attached to anyone that losing them would make you feel this empty.’
‘Hence the reason you changed our nannies and tutors so often,’ she said, finally understanding the logic behind that decision.
‘I wanted you both to become more resilient than I felt at the time. Stronger. But you were hurt by love anyway, and then we lost Sol. I felt like I had failed you both.’
‘Father—’
‘Let me finish.’ He grimaced as if explaining such deeply emotional issues was akin to having his skin flayed from his body. ‘I thought that if I could force you to make a practical match it would save you from unnecessary heartache in the future. I can see that I was gravely mistaken about that. But finding you a life match was never about your capability to do your job. I hope you believe that.’
Alexa’s stomach clenched tight. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘There is nothing to say. You should have a strong man by your side to support you. And I hoped that Prince Rafaele would be that man.’
So had she. Or at least she had come to think that way. But while he was a very strong and compassionate man, he wasn’t her strong and compassionate man. He might never be anyone’s, given his need for independence and freedom from obligation.
Which was all she knew. Obligation and duty. Would those dual requirements always have to take precedence over love?
A lump lodged in her throat, threatening to defeat her composure once more, and once more she pushed it back. ‘Shall we go?’
‘Yes. It is time.’
Three hours later Alexa knew that if she didn’t sit down very soon she would likely fall down.
The head cold she’d been fighting made it hard to focus on the group currently discussing the merits of trade taxes and border control.
Offering to email one of their party some of the ideas her team had come up with on tax reform, Alexa made her excuses and was considering going to find a dark room to hole up in when her eyes snagged on a figure in black at the entrance to the ballroom.
Unable to believe that it was really Rafe, the hairs on the back of her neck rose when his eyes found her.
His expression was grim, his clothes as beautifully cut as they had been the night at the Children’s Charity ball. But there was a wildness to him, and she realised that he hadn’t shaved, giving him an even more dangerous edge than usual.
The guests he would have bowled over if they hadn’t moved out of his way thought so too, their curious glances turning to wary alertness as they quickly moved out of his way.
Alexa only noticed them peripherally, her whole being focused entirely on Rafe.
He stopped directly in front of her, his frown darkening. ‘Your hair is up.’
‘Yes.’ A wave of dizziness at having him standing in front of her made her instinctively reach out for him.
Rafe swore under his breath, taking hold of her elbow. ‘And you’re unwell.’
Shaking off her initial shock, Alexa cleared her throat, easing her arm out of his hold. ‘Just a head cold. But you look...’ Gorgeous. Commanding. And so desirable she wanted to throw herself into his arms and never let go. It seemed so unfair when she felt like death warmed up. ‘Almost like your usual self.’
‘I haven’t been my usual self since we met, Princess,’ he answered cryptically. ‘That aside, I’m taking you out of here.’
Seriously rattled to have him here, Alexa shook her head. ‘I can’t leave yet. The speec
hes haven’t happened.’
‘Are you giving a speech?’
‘No.’
‘Then you’re leaving.’
Alexa frowned. ‘Rafe, you can’t just turn up here and—’
‘Prince Rafaele? So good of you to join us.’
Feeling a horrible sense of déjà vu, Alexa nearly groaned at the sound of her father’s combative voice behind her, sure that he wouldn’t back down now that he knew the truth of their marriage.
‘You might not think that in a minute, Your Majesty,’ Rafe answered. ‘My wife is sick, and I’m taking her out of here.’
‘Really?’ King Ronan raised a brow. ‘You’ve remembered that you have a wife, then?’
‘I never forgot.’ Rafe held her father’s stare. ‘Not even for a minute.’
Unable to decipher the silent code going on between the two men she was surprised to see her father nod his assent. ‘Good. I told her she was not well. She needs to lie down.’
‘I can make my own decisions,’ Alexa said hotly, her voice low so as not to cause a scene.
‘You can,’ Rafe agreed. ‘But we need to talk and I’d rather not do it in a room full of interested people.’
Suddenly aware that they were on the receiving end of about one hundred pairs of eyes, Alexa groaned. ‘Okay, fine.’
Holding her head high, she started forward, her legs so shaky that she might have tripped over her skirts if Rafe hadn’t caught her up in his arms without breaking stride.
‘Put me down,’ she urged. ‘You’re causing a scene.’
‘Probably.’ He gave her one of his devil-may-care grins. ‘It is something I excel at, it seems.’
Alexa caught the surprised glance of the footman who scrambled to open a side door for them and just managed to resist burying her face against Rafe’s neck.
‘Which way are your rooms?’ he asked gruffly.
‘I’m not going to my room with you,’ she said, knowing that if she did she really might throw herself at him. ‘And I need you to put me down.’
Their Royal Wedding Bargain Page 16