by Ruby Vincent
“D-d-don’t—” I gasped. The band around my chest was tightening; I felt like I would never breathe again.
“Alright, I get it.” Jaxson grabbed my hand and extracted his wrist from my clutches. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He said that, but when he stood again, my heart squeezed. “N-no.”
Jaxson continued what he was doing. He toed off his sneakers, and my mattress dipped as he climbed up and settled down next to me. Jaxson stayed above the covers, but that didn’t stop me from feeling his heat as he pulled me to him and draped one arm over my waist. The other stroked my hair, brushing it back the way I would never tell him I loved.
I didn’t know how long we lay there, but no words passed between us as the light from my window dimmed to a dusky orange. Slowly, my racing heart eased back into its normal rhythm and my shakes went away.
Still, it was a long time before I trusted myself to speak.
“Jaxson?”
“Yes?” His lips were right next to my ear, and his breath on the back of my neck made goose bumps erupt on my skin. I was highly aware of the fact I was cuddling with my enemy in an empty building.
“Did you... see who it was?”
“No.” His finger was still playing in my hair. It was highly distracting. “I saw that thing coming for you and reacted. I didn’t look up.”
“I would have died,” I whispered. “I’m always in the courtyard alone. If you hadn’t seen—” A realization came crashing through my mind. “Hang on. What the hell were you doing there anyway? I’m always there alone.”
I felt his shrug against my back. “You’re going to be pissed, but keep in mind I saved your life. You’ve got Ryder and Ricky jumpy about what you’re going to do next. Ryder doesn’t like how quiet you’ve been so he told me to follow you around.”
“What?!” I sprang up, knocking his hand off me. “You’ve been stalking me?! For how long?!”
Jaxson put his arms behind his head and fell onto his back. He looked totally comfortable in my bed. “Only a few days, but like I said, it’s because of that I saved your life, so you’re not allowed to be mad at me.”
“You wanna bet?” I pointed at the door. “Get out.”
“Why?” His grin was wicked. “I thought we were spooning, baby.”
My cheeks were on fire. I couldn’t believe this asshole.
“I’m glad I was there,” he went on. The smirk faded. “That could have been really bad, Valentina.”
I swallowed hard. “I know... Thank you.”
“We don’t want you dead,” he replied. “Not even Ryder.”
Jaxson tugged on one of my folded arms and pulled me down. I didn’t let myself think as he rested my head over his heart. It thump, thump, thumped in my ear while he put his arms around me once more.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Yes,” I mumbled. The heat was spreading from my cheeks and zinging through my veins. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I had even less of a clue about what he was doing. “Why are you being so nice to me?”
“It’s what happens when we reach the point in the relationship when you’ve seen me naked.” Jaxson must have been burning up because I was hotter than a stove now. “Just wait and see how nice I’ll be when I see you naked.”
“You’re not going to see me naked,” I retorted automatically.
“Bet you thought I’d never end up in your bed either, and look at us now.”
“How can you make jokes, Jaxson? I know you hate me for leaking those songs.”
Jaxson stilled. “So you’re finally done pretending it wasn’t you?”
“We both know it was me so why pretend? I did it, and I would do it again. Stop acting like you’re not pissed.”
“I wasn’t pissed. I was fucking out-of-my-mind raging after what you did to me. My dad banned me from the studio and has barely taken my calls since the songs got out. Also, Interstellar Records is in some serious legal shit. I wanted to get back at you and hard.”
The stupidity of allowing this guy to be alone with me would have been hitting me if it wasn’t for something he kept saying. “Why are you talking in past tense?”
“Because I realized sometime around you breaking your own damn nose... that you must be feeling the same thing. We— I did some really awful shit to you. I went way too far, and honestly, you let me off easy.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. Did he really mean it? “Jaxson, if this is some kind of trick—”
“It’s not a trick. I don’t know about the other guys, but it’s over for me. I hit you hard; you struck back. We’re even.” His arm tightened around me. “If you don’t believe me, then think about the fact that I know you’ve been hanging with my girl Sofia in some secret rooftop hideout and I haven’t told Ryder.”
I snapped my head up. “Oh no, Jaxson, you can’t say anything! If people come after her—”
“I’m not going to tell anyone. I’m tired of hurting you, Val, especially when I don’t know why I have to.”
My chin sank back on his chest. “I’m not sure what to do with this.”
“Do you still want revenge against me?”
“No,” I admitted. “I’m done.”
“And I’m done too. So let’s just start there.”
I didn’t reply. I didn’t know how to.
“Besides,” he began, “we have bigger problems. Whoever is after you isn’t playing around. What if the next time, I’m not there?”
“I don’t know.”
“What happened to the bodyguard?”
“I couldn’t trust her.”
“Then find one you can.”
I peered at him. “You’re not going to tell me to drop out?”
“I might if I thought for a second your stubborn ass would listen.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I think the last year made it clear to everyone that I won’t.”
A smile tugged at his own lips. “You want to stick around, then fine. The Spades can’t say I didn’t do my part to get you out, but now you’ve got bigger problems. You’ve got to play this a lot smarter.”
“You honestly don’t know who they are. The Spades.”
He shook his head. “No one does. Not who or how many.”
“But fear of them was enough for you to humiliate me in front of the planet.”
Jaxson’s face shuttered closed. He turned away.
“Why did you do it?” I pressed. “You admit you went too far, so why?”
“There is no excuse.”
“I want one anyway. Tell me why.”
The line of his jaw grew hard with tension. “Because... I was scared. I’ve heard the stories of the Spades, and the things they’ve done to people. The lives they’ve ruined. I didn’t want me and Dad to be next.” Sighing, Jaxson heaved himself up on his elbow and looked down at me. “I thought I was making the right choice. My family or you. But the truth is I was just being a coward.”
I had never heard Jaxson talk like this before, and my head spun with everything he was telling me.
Jaxson placed a finger under my chin. Twin orbs of shining blue drew me in and drowned me. “I’m sorry, Valentina.”
“They were wrong,” I said so softly my lips barely moved. “You’re not the stupid one.”
A grin spread across his face. “That’s what I keep telling people.”
This time, it was me pushing him back down and settling into his arms.
“WON’T WE GET IN TROUBLE for this?” Jaxson plucked the chip from my hand and popped it into his mouth. “Hey.”
We hadn’t left my room all day, and by midnight our stomachs were letting us have it for the missed meals. Thankfully, I had plenty of junk stashed away.
“Get in trouble for what?” he asked.
“There are cameras all over this place so Gus knows you’re here. Honestly, I’ve been waiting for him to bust the door down.”
Part of me also might have been hoping he would bust the door down. T
his entire day didn’t feel real. I couldn’t comprehend being here with Jaxson, and a piece of me was still holding out that this was some evil trick. Jaxson hadn’t pushed for us to do more than cuddle, but even if he did, I knew I couldn’t let it happen. My heart wasn’t in a place to trust him.
Jaxson paused the movie we were watching and shifted to face me. “Gus knows I’m a Knight. He won’t be busting anything down.”
I gaped at him. “So you’re just allowed to come and go out of girls’ rooms as you want? Is there no end to the things you guys are allowed to get away with?”
He laughed. “I still haven’t managed to get Wheeldon off my ass so we can’t get away with everything. For some reason that guy doesn’t like me. What’s that about? Everyone likes me.”
I giggled. I could say a lot about Jaxson—and I have—but the guy did make me laugh. “He about busted a blood vessel the first time you called him ‘homie.’”
He put up his hands. “Exactly. That’s a mark of friendship and he almost lost his mind.” He shook his head. “I just don’t get that guy.”
“You’re such an idiot.” I took a chip and shoved it into his mouth.
Jaxson chuckled between chewing. “No one around here likes the way I talk, but I see it as a plus that while my friends were taking elocution classes, I was running around the feet of the biggest names in music.”
“I’d trade elocution classes for that in a hot second.” I rested against my headboard. “Must have been amazing.”
“It was.” Jaxson’s eyes slid off my face, becoming unfocused. “My mom wasn’t about all this stuff. Money, cars, weekend trips to Europe. She grew up in a place a lot like your neighborhood, and met Papa Van Zandt when he was still searching dive bars for local talent.”
“She was a singer?”
“No, a drummer. Dad said the first time he saw her, he had to come back the next time to listen to the band play because he spent the whole time out of it and just staring at her. I remember sitting on her lap while she played, but not much else. She died when I was five.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I took his hand in mind and he didn’t waste the opportunity to lace our fingers together.
“She didn’t want our family to be like the rest around here. Parents never around. Kids being raised by nannies and bank accounts. So when she passed, Dad kept his promise and brought me to work with him and... I loved it. Me and Dad are closer than most people are and the music I’ve gotten to listen to with him was incredible.” The smile faded. “But I ruined that.”
I lowered my eyes. “Jaxson, I’m—”
“No, don’t apologize.” The intensity in his voice made me meet his gaze. “I deserved what you did. We both know that.”
“You did, but I only wanted to hurt you, not your dad or the label.” I blew out a breath. “I love Levi Van Zandt. Not kidding. Love. If he asked, I’d be your stepmom in a heartbeat.”
Jaxson’s mouth fell open. “What the fuck, Moon?”
I clapped my hand over my mouth to hold in my laughter.
“Take it back.”
“No.”
“Do it.”
“Never.”
“That’s it.”
I squealed when Jaxson pounced. His fingers skittered all over my body as he tickled me into submission. We were both laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe.
“Okay, okay!” I cried. “I take it back.”
“Good.” Jaxson hovered over me. His legs were splayed on either side as he straddled me. “Don’t make me have to teach you this lesson again.”
“You might,” I teased. “I’m a stubborn ass, remember. I don’t learn easy.” I gripped his shoulders and shoved, pushing him down until our roles were reversed. “Can I ask you a question? It’s something I’ve always wondered.”
He nodded.
“How did you, Ezra, Maverick, and Ryder become friends? You guys aren’t even kind of alike.”
“What’s that got to do with anything? You’re nothing like Richards. She’s as sweet as that honey her mom peddles, and you’re as ruthless as it gets, and I mean that with mad respect.”
I flicked him on the forehead.
“Ow. See what I mean?”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Will you just answer the question?”
“Okay, okay.” Jaxson fell back onto the pillow. His grin faded under a serious expression I rarely got to see. “We are different, but stuff like that doesn’t really matter. Sometimes things happen—big things. And it binds people together so freaking tight that you have to be friends... because no one else will ever understand you like they do.” He shook himself. “You probably don’t get that—”
“I get it.” I climbed off and lay down next to him. “I understand perfectly.”
I HAD THE DREAM THAT night.
The awful routine of waking up gasping with my sheets soaked in sweat was not one I missed.
My fingers were clumsy as I reached for my hidden phone. I had Mom on the screen and my finger hovering over the call button when I stopped.
I hadn’t had the dream in months, but after nearly being killed, I wasn’t surprised it had come back.
Maybe part of me knew it would. That’s why I sent Jaxson away.
It had been obvious that he wanted to stay, but I made him leave around three in the morning. I couldn’t deny I had fun with him, nor could I deny that he had saved my life, but I was a long way off from sleepovers.
What are we now? I thought as I stripped my sheets. Friends? Non-enemies? Two people who spend an afternoon eating chips and watching movies and then go back to avoiding each other?
All I knew for sure is that my feelings toward the other Knights hadn’t changed. Ryder and Maverick were still names begging to be taken off my list. Maybe being with Jaxson hadn’t kept the dreams away, but planning revenge against him and the rest had.
“Next semester, I come back even harder.”
BY SOME MIRACLE, I got through my finals, and soon it was time to pack up and leave for break. Olivia honked her horn like a madwoman when I stepped through the gates.
“Whoo! There’s my baby! Get over here!”
I rolled my eyes, but I wasn’t fooling anyone. I dropped my bags and ran into her arms. Mom squeezed me until my stuffing came out. “I missed you, kid. This was a stupid idea letting you run off to some school hours away.”
“Tell me about it.” I looked past her and spotted Adam snoozing away in his car seat. “He’s getting so big.”
“Babies do that.” She gave me a shake. “Except for mine. You’ll be fun sized for the rest of your life.”
Laughing, we rescued my things from the curb and beat it out of there. Sofia’s driver was taking her straight to our place and I couldn’t wait for three weeks of carols, Christmas cookies, and living room dance parties to begin.
“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Olivia said when she paused in between telling me everything that had been going on. “A good one.”
“Any hints?”
“Nope. Course not.”
I pestered her through the whole drive anyway. Eventually, I gave up and turned to the window.
“Hey, wait. Why are we turning on Lincoln? Sofia is waiting for us at the apartment, Mom.”
“No, she’s not.”
I gave her a crazy look. “Uhh, yes, she is. We can get Chinese delivered if you’re hungry.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Then why are we five minutes away from the Chinese place?”
“I can’t help where the Chinese place is.”
“Where are we going?”
“Where else would we be going?”
“Mom.”
“Valentina.”
I threw up my hands. “You’re impossible.”
She yukked it up, ignoring my stewing as she turned onto Devonshire Lane. I had only ever been to this part of town when Mom and I were on a Chinese food run. It was the only thing in this neighborhood we could afford.
Mom traveled between the rows of cute single-story houses painted in a variety of shocking pastels. I swallowed my annoyance as she parked in front of a light-blue house with flower boxes in the windows. “Mom, why are we here?”
“You wanted to go home so badly, and I took you. What more do you want?”
I froze as her words penetrated. “What?” I turned to face her and found her beaming from ear to ear. “You mean this is...”
“Our house, baby.”
“B-but you— But you—” My head swung from her to the house, then to her, and then the house again. “But you didn’t tell me!”
“That would have ruined the surprise, wouldn’t it?” She patted my hand. “I’m not just working at the daycare now; I’m running it. I’m making enough to get us out of that puke-green hell and give my babies the home they deserve. What do you think?”
“Mom, it’s so great.” I felt myself getting choked up. I tried to stop it, but in seconds I was crying, then Mom was crying, then Adam woke up and he started crying. Sofia rolled up on a car full of blubbering messes.
The house was a perfect three-bedroom, two-bath paradise. Yes, paradise. Adam now had his own room and Mom had her own bathroom. My classmates had summer homes fifty times the size of this place, but this was everything we ever wanted.
The four of us didn’t waste a second starting the best vacation of our lives. A few days before Christmas, Sofia and I were wrapping presents while Adam toddled around the living room. Mom was out food shopping so I finally had a chance to tell Sofia the secret I had been sitting on.
The scissors clattered to the floor, and I swiftly picked them up before Adam could set his sights on them. “You’re a filthy liar.”
“All true.”
“You did not hook up with Jaxson Van Zandt and then wait this long to tell me!”
“Okay, hold up. I definitely did not hook up with him. We hung out and talked. That’s it.” I took a breath. “And it only happened because... someone tried again to kill me.”
She paled. “Val, oh my gosh. Are you serious? How could you not tell me that?”
“I didn’t want to scare you,” I admitted. “I didn’t see who it was, and I didn’t know what more anyone could do besides assign me another bodyguard, and I won’t take one who works for the school.”