“Great. Hold the flashlight while I take this one off so I can make sure I get the exact size.” That process took a while and featured a lot of cursing and grunting on Hayley’s part until she finally got it loose.
They drove a few minutes south on the freeway to Home Depot, where Hayley located the correct pipe, and were back home in under an hour. Merle found another flashlight while Hayley took off her sweatshirt. Merle gulped. Hayley was wearing a fairly tight T-shirt and had evidently been ready to go to sleep because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Merle pictured what her breasts would look like and swallowed.
Hayley lay on her back with a sofa pillow underneath to support her neck and laboriously screwed the new pipe into place. Merle knelt next to her, holding the flashlight. Hayley’s T-shirt came untucked, and her smooth stomach was inches away from Merle’s nose. She lay with her legs propped up but slightly akimbo.
Merle could hear her breathing hard from the effort of screwing the pipe into place, and she started to perspire herself from watching Hayley. She visualized Hayley in the same position except naked and in bed as Merle bent over her and pushed her legs apart. Her thighs were the same creamy color as her abdomen. Merle kissed the inside of one leg, then the other and—
“I think that’s it,” Hayley said as her arms dropped to her sides and she exhaled loudly.
“Great.” Merle tried to keep her voice from shaking.
Hayley slid out from the cabinet and sat up. The moment was over. She grinned cockily at Merle and said, “So turn on the water and let’s check!”
“Right.” Merle obeyed and they both watched the pipe, flashlights in hand.
“Looks okay,” Merle said. “You’re a genius!”
“Hardly. It’s plumbing 101.” But she looked pleased with herself, which made Merle want to kiss her.
Instead, she stood up and offered Hayley a helping hand. Hayley hauled herself up from the floor, and their hands stayed clasped for just a moment. Hayley’s hand was very warm but only a little damp from her efforts.
“Whew. The contortions you have to go through get harder the older I get.”
“You’re amazing.”
“You’re nice to say so.” They stared at one another for another moment. Then Hayley said, “Guess I’ll go to bed now.”
“Yep. Good night and thanks again.”
Merle cleared up the mess in the kitchen, replaced the items under the sink, and hung the wet towels on the back-porch railing.
She shivered. She’d been millimeters away from making a pass. She wasn’t sure which would bother her more: Hayley rejecting her or the opposite. This was a very bad situation, and she had to figure out what the hell she was going to do about it.
*
The next day at work, Hayley gave up trying to concentrate on the case research she was trying to perform. She slammed the huge law book shut and put her head in her hands. She pictured Merle’s smiling face and replayed the night before. When she’d finished her plumbing task and her gaze had met Merle’s, she saw that look again. That longing, yearning, hungry look like Merle was just about to grab her and pull her into a passionate embrace. If she’d done that, Hayley would have been right there with her, never mind the consequences. She didn’t know what to do. If she was wrong, she’d likely get shown the door. If she was right and they acted on their feelings, it could all go very wrong. It was making her nuts. She had no stomach, essentially, for dating other women. She knew, as well as she knew the color of her son’s hair, she had already met the right woman. She slept across the hall, ate across from Hayley at the kitchen table, and sat next to her on the couch. They walked on Bernal Hill with Arthur and laughed at TV comedies.
Except she was off-limits.
Hayley put her head on the table and bumped it, not too hard. Then she got up and paced around the law library. This was maddening. When she took Merle’s hand last night, hers had begun to tingle and she had little frissons of sensation in that place. That’s what her mother used to call it. She was getting the same feelings just thinking about holding Merle’s hand.
Hayley looked at her phone and concluded it was soon enough to take lunch. Back at her desk, she opened her personal email and was confronted with a lengthy missive from Sherrie going on and on about movies and cafés and her anticipation of their next date and their fabulous connection. Hayley decided she wouldn’t answer. She was getting more uneasy. It was always bad news when the other person was more invested than you were. She was beginning to regret making this date.
*
Merle pushed her chair away from her workstation and walked into the lab. There, she moved her shoulders around, trying to get them to relax. She decided to go open some boxes that had been delivered and get off the computer for a while. Health and Safety had directed everyone to sign up for a new program to get issued their lab gear. It had taken forever to get Collier through his part, and then she had to nag and cajole the rest of the group, all fifteen of them, into getting online and watching a video and getting organized. Anik would be the last one. She didn’t want to have to remind him again, but she’d probably have to.
She sighed. The job was wearing her down. She’d been through the same thing so many times. The cast of characters changed but the play never did. She was growing more impatient with it, probably because her unsettled thoughts about Hayley had raised her stress level She ought to have a talk with Hayley and ask her to move out, but she’d have to tell her the reason. It would be dishonest and hurtful not to. She couldn’t abide the thought of hurting Hayley’s feelings even if it was for the good of both of them.
The logical thing would be to discuss the situation with her AA sponsor, but she didn’t have one. She didn’t really need one since she’d been sober a long time and had worked the steps, as well as still going to meetings. She had Sigrid and Clea and others to talk to. She could write about it and then talk to Sigrid. But if she talked to Sigrid, she’d get Sigrid’s point of view, which seemed to boil down to “I told you so,” likely followed by “Go for it.” She didn’t want to hear either nugget of advice, but she didn’t have much choice.
Having all this crap in her head was driving her batty. The thought of a drink had even flitted into her consciousness and then rapidly out again, thank God. But this wasn’t a good sign. She hadn’t considered drinking while she was breaking up with Kay. She had a problem and needed to deal with it. She supposed it would be better if she had a heart-to-heart with Hayley, but that didn’t seem to be a good first step. Maybe later. First, she needed to talk to Sigrid.
Chapter Eleven
Hayley was finally on her way to Concord to visit her mom, and today was the day she’d spill the beans about her new sexual orientation. She didn’t think she ought to wait until she’d fallen in love with someone and then take her to meet her mother. Mom, guess what? That would be too late. Though, at this rate, it might never happen, anyway, Hayley thought. She navigated the traffic on the Bay Bridge and planned her speech. Her mom would give her a helpful opening because she would want to know how Hayley was faring after her divorce. She thought about Sigrid’s warning, which made her uneasy.
The sight of her mom and dad’s suburban ranch house reminded her how different her life was now. She opened the front door, calling, “Mom?” Ellie had grown a bit hard of hearing. She was out on the terrace. Hayley walked through the living room and dining room and opened the sliding-glass door. Ellie jumped.
“Mom. It’s just me.”
“Oh, honey, I must have dozed off.” Hayley kissed her on the forehead.
“No worries. I let myself in. Is there any iced tea?”
“Yes, dear. You want anything to eat? I can make you a sandwich.”
“Nope. Sit. I just want a glass of tea. I’ll get it.”
She found the pitcher in the fridge and a glass, then looked around the kitchen critically. It didn’t seem to be as pristine as it usually was. Maybe it was time to get Ellie some household help. If she’d
accept it, that is.
Back on the terrace, she flopped into one of the deck chairs, dumping her purse on the floor after she retrieved her sunglasses. October’s sun was still bright.
“Hayley. It’s good to see you, dear. You’re looking well. Have you been outdoors?”
“Yeah. Some. I walk my roommate’s dog a lot.”
“Are you remembering to wear sunscreen?”
Right. She was old enough to be a grandma, and her mom was still asking her about sunscreen. Guess mothers never grew out of mothering, although she really endeavored not to nag Robbie about his personal habits. It was so annoying.
“Yes. Yes, I do. What have you been up to?”
“Oh, this and that.” Her mother gestured vaguely.
“Have you been walking a bit every day like the doctor said? To keep your arthritis at bay?”
“Oh, trying to, honey. It’s hard.”
“I know, Mom, but you have to or you’ll get so stiff you won’t be able to move.” Hayley was stalling, trying to delay the inevitable time when she’d have to say what she’d come to say. She was dreading it. She chatted on about trivia, and finally her mother got to the question.
“So, dear, what have you been up to? You’ve lived in that house for what? Three months?”
“About that.”
“Work okay?”
“Sure, it’s fine. We got a new case—age discrimination.” This made Hayley think of Angie. She and her brother hadn’t come in for a meeting since the first conference. It was almost as though Hayley really needed Angie to distract her from her feelings for Merle. Thinking of any of her other dates didn’t seemed to be working. Mona was off the list. She had no idea what was going to happen with Sherrie, and anything with Angie would be far in the future and was mostly a fantasy anyhow. It was sort of funny—she was going to disclose her sexual orientation to her mom but didn’t even have anyone in her life. Except Merle, who was just a friend.
Her mind had wandered again. She had to refocus. She’d missed a question from her mom.
“Hayley, dear? I asked if you had any men friends.” That was Ellie’s way of saying boyfriends. It was more accurate, Hayley supposed. She was a touch old for boyfriends.
“Nope. I don’t, Mom. I don’t expect I ever will.”
Ellie looked shocked. “Oh, dear. Don’t say that. It isn’t true. You’re still young. It’s too bad it didn’t work out with Howard, but never mind. Can’t your friends help you meet someone?”
Yes. She hoped they would, but not the kind of someone her mother was talking about.
“Mom. I need to tell you something.” Suddenly, she had so much adrenaline in her system, her head started to pound and her mouth went dry.
“What’s wrong, honey? Do you need money?”
“No, no,” Hayley said. “I’m fine. Do you know why Howard and I got a divorce?”
Ellie looked clueless. “Not exactly. You told me you just drifted apart. You never talked anymore or did anything together.”
“All that’s true but there’s more to it.”
“Certainly, there is. These things are complicated.”
“Mom, mainly I divorced Howard because I’m a lesbian.”
“What?”
Oh, great, now she was pretending to be hard of hearing.
“A lesbian.” She let it sink in. Meanwhile, she caught her mom’s eye and held it.
“I don’t understand,” Ellie said, finally. “How could that be true? You’re fifty-four!”
As if being a lesbian came with an age requirement.
“Mom. Let me try to explain.”
Ellie nodded silently. She looked shell-shocked and confused.
“It was always true. I was always attracted to women but thought it was just a passing thing. An anomaly.” That was true. She had thought that. “I thought I loved Howard so I said ‘yes’ when he asked me to marry him and one thing led to another and we had Robbie and I was busy with him and with work…” It sounded pretty silly the way she was describing it. She was going to have to be more convincing. “Something happened to me.”
“What happened to you?” Ellie’s tone was so alarmed, it sounded as though she thought what happened was “I was hit by a bus” or “I have cancer.”
“The details aren’t important.” She refused to tell her mother about Sabine and the bathroom at Boulevard.
“I realized I was lying to myself and wasn’t being fair to Howard. I didn’t love him anymore. I truly prefer women. So that makes me a lesbian.”
“Huh” was all Ellie said for a few minutes. “So if you are, do you have, uh, someone?”
Ellie was trying to ask her if she had a girlfriend. Again, she was too old for girlfriends. What term should she use? “No. Not at the moment.”
“Then how do you know—”
“I just know, Mom. Trust me.” Hayley was irritable now. This conversation was, of all things, reminding her just how unlesbian she really was. She hadn’t actually done it with anyone. But she wasn’t prepared to discuss that point with her mom.
“I can’t say as I approve.”
“Mom. There’s nothing to approve or disapprove. It just is.”
“But you’ll get in trouble at work. People don’t accept that sort of thing.”
“That’s not true anymore. Maybe here in Concord but not in San Francisco. It’s fine. I’ve always worked with gay people. Some of the lawyers at our firm are gay. We do employment law. Our clients are gay.” If all that was true, why was she so reluctant to come out at work?
“Well, I know things are different now, a lot different. I never gave it any thought, you know. I’m not prejudiced. I just never expected it in my family.”
There it was. She was okay with it in the abstract, but when it came to Hayley, not so much.
“Well, things are way different even from when I was young, Mom. So you don’t need to worry about my livelihood or anything like that. It’s fine. You should be concerned with my happiness.”
“I suppose.” She sounded dubious, like she’d still like to be concerned about Hayley’s social standing. Or something.
“It’s true. I want to be happy. You want me to be happy, right?”
“Of course, dear. But how can you possibly find happiness this way?”
“Well. I think I fall in love with someone and that will make me happy. That’s the way it usually works.”
“There’s no need to be sarcastic.”
“Sorry, Mom. And sorry I had to just drop this on you. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“No. I appreciate you telling me.”
“I’m going to let you be with it for a while. Kind of absorb it, and then I’ll come back again. Maybe I’ll bring Robbie with me.” She’d like that. Ellie adored her grandson.
“What does he think of all this? About his mother being a—”
“Lesbian, Mom. You can say it.”
“I know. Did you think of Robbie when you decided this?” Uh-oh. She was pissed. Time to go. This was predictable. Her mom was old-fashioned and thought of everything in terms of how it affected the men in her life. As far as Ellie was concerned, feminism didn’t have the slightest effect on things.
“You know, you and he can talk about that. Why don’t you call him?”
“I might do that. Well, this has been quite a visit.”
Hayley took her mother’s hands and looked her straight in the eye. “It’s going to be fine.”
Hayley was trying to convince her mother, but she was really trying to convince herself.
*
She told Merle about the big talk with her mother.
Merle shook her head. “It’s still a problem for some people, I guess. Even in 2015. Even with marriage equality and everything else.”
“She lives a sheltered life out there in the distant East Bay.”
“Give her time. She’ll come around. I guess this isn’t easy for parents no matter what age you are.”
“Wh
at was it like when you told your parents?”
“Shock and awe before Rumsfeld invented the concept.”
“And after a while?”
“They got over it. They loved Kay. That’s another ironic thing. Kay and my folks got along great.”
“Well, that’s good to know. I’m sending my son to wrangle her. She’ll hear stuff easier from him.”
“Isn’t that the way it always works?” Merle grinned. “So. I think it’s time for chili for dinner. It’s autumn, and that makes me think of soup and chili.”
Hayley felt calmer now that she was home and had talked to Merle about her big announcement to her mother, though she still had the issue of her feelings about Merle. Her mother would get used to her “new” orientation, but she wasn’t sure she’d ever get over having to keep her feelings about Merle under wraps.
She toyed with the idea of just talking to Merle about it. They could be adults. They could be honest with each other. Maybe it would be better then. That was an idea, but she had to screw up the courage to say something. And find the right time, whatever time that was going to be.
*
A few nights later, at dinner, Hayley said, “I’m going out with Sherrie and I’m going to decide for sure if I want to keep seeing her or I’m going to tell her we aren’t going forward.”
“That sounds good.” After a small smile and brief eye contact, Merle directed her gaze at her plate.
“The emails I get from her are so over the top, and I just can’t get that interested.”
“Yeah. You ought to let her know.”
Hayley waited for Merle to say more, but she said nothing.
“Is something wrong?” Hayley asked. Merle wasn’t the most voluble person, but this evening she was obviously withdrawn again and it bugged Hayley.
There was the tiniest pause and Merle made eye contact. Hayley tried to discern what she was thinking, but it was impossible. Merle’s blue-gray irises were impenetrable. Her body language was giving off stay-back signals.
“No. There’s nothing wrong. Really.” She put her fork down. “I’m fine.”
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