“I haven’t spent this much time with a guy and not gotten past kissing ever.”
Just the mention of them kissing brings stomach bile into my throat. I may be getting used to the idea of them being together, but that doesn’t mean I like it.
The first time she told me that he kissed her I nearly lost it. I had to make some stupid excuse about having something in my eye to excuse how quickly they filled with unshed tears. I’d reeled it in, and while it felt like my heart was breaking, I was also happy for Lu. Or at least I tried to convince myself I was. I think I’m still working on that.
“Lucy Brown, a one-woman man.” I knock shoulders with my best friend as we turn and head down the hallway.
“Who would have thought?” She giggles. “And now I have a guaranteed date to Spring Formal.”
“I bet you already have your dress picked out,” I say, knowing how into school dances Lulu gets.
“I may have my eye on something at Marci’s. Now we just have to find something for you to wear.”
“I don’t think I’m going to go.”
“What? Why?”
“You know I’m not big on those things. Besides, we usually go together.”
“We can still go together.”
“And be the third wheel the entire night? I’ll pass.”
“Oh stop. You will not be the third wheel. Besides, there’s still a few weeks until the dance. Maybe someone will ask you and we can double.”
That sounds almost as appealing as swallowing glass...
“I wouldn’t hold your breath.”
“Oh stop it. You’re a total babe. I bet there’s tons of guys that would love to go with you.”
None that I want to go with.
“Okay, I gotta get to class. Talk at lunch?”
“Yep. Sounds good.”
I take a deep breath in through my nose and slowly blow it past my lips.
I’m happy for them.
I’m happy for them.
I’m happy for them.
I repeat the mantra in my head as if that will make it true. Well, I am happy for them. I just wish their happiness wasn’t preventing me from finding my own.
I know I have to get over this obsession I have with Alec. Especially now that he’s officially my best friend’s boyfriend. But for some reason I can’t seem to let go of this crazy idea that we should be together.
I think it’s time to accept that’s never going to happen.
——
“Hope.” I look up from the book I’m reading to find Teller Wallace hovering next to me, his hands wrapped around the straps of his book bag slung over his shoulders.
“Hey Teller.” I lay the book face down on my desk, silently cursing him for the interruption. I’ve already read the book, but given that today is our review test, I thought it might be a good idea to do a little refresher.
“Hey.” He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, looking uncharacteristically uncomfortable.
Teller isn’t a jock per se, but he hangs out with all the jocks. He’s not the most popular guy in school, but he runs with the popular crowd so I guess that makes him popular too. Not that any of this explains why he’s talking to me right now. Given that I can count how many times we’ve spoken to each other on one hand, despite the fact that we’ve been in the same school since Kindergarten.
“Hey,” I repeat when several seconds pass and he’s still standing there, silent.
“So, um...” He reaches around and scratches the back of his head. “I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me to Spring Formal,” he blurts, unable to hold my gaze.
Funny. I never took Teller as the shy type. He always seems so confident. Then again, I’ve never seen him interact with a girl so how do I really know.
“Huh?” I stupidly respond, having not expected this to be the direction our conversation was going to take.
“Spring Formal,” he repeats, tugging on his book bag straps.
“Oh, well I...” I avert my gaze as I try to figure out what the hell to say. On one hand, Teller is cute and it feels really nice to be asked. But on the other hand, something is holding me back from saying yes. Maybe it’s because I’m still trying to come to terms with what I learned earlier today...
My eyes go to where Alec is sitting at the desk next to me. He has his face turned down toward his notebook and I can tell he’s trying to mind his own business, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t listening. Hell, at this point I’m pretty sure the entire class is listening.
“I appreciate you asking me, Teller.” I turn my attention back to the boy in front of me. He really is quite handsome with his sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. If the circumstances were different I would probably say yes. But there’s only one person I want to go to the dance with, and since I know I can’t go with him, I won’t be going with anyone. Or at all for that matter. “But I’m actually not going to the dance.”
“Oh.” He rocks back on his heels. “Lucy said you were.” Suddenly everything becomes clear... Freaking Lulu. “She thought since I didn’t have a date and you didn’t have a date that maybe we could go together.” He seems to realize how that sounds once it’s out and immediately starts to backtrack. “Not that that’s why I’m asking. I’ve actually wanted to ask you for a few weeks.”
“Well, as I said, I’m not going,” I repeat, trying to let him down as gently as possible, even though he probably doesn’t want to go with me anyway.
This is all Lulu. I should have smelled the scent of her game from a mile away. With her and Alec official, and going to the dance together, she’s trying to set me up with someone so that I’ll go with them.
I’ve been friends with her long enough to know there’s very few lines she won’t cross to get her way.
“You sure? I think we could have a really good time together.”
“I’m sure.” I plaster on a smile.
“Okay then.” He releases the straps of his bag. “You’ll let me know if you change your mind?”
“I will.” I nod.
“Okay, cool.” He runs a hand through his hair as he turns and heads to his seat on the opposite side of the room.
“Not your type?” I look to my left to see Alec’s eyes on me.
“I wouldn’t say that. I just don’t like being set up.”
“But you said no before you knew you were being set up.”
“Were you listening to my conversation?” I ask, already knowing that he was.
“Hello.” He gestures to the small walkway that separates our desks. “It’s kind of impossible not to.”
“Uh huh.” I roll my eyes at him.
“So you’re really not going to the dance?” he asks, lowering his voice when the teacher enters the room.
“Nope,” I mouth, shaking my head.
“Why not?” he asks, leaning in my direction.
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I think you should. But, not with that tool.” He gestures toward Teller. “But I think you should come with me and Lucy.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because having you there will make it a hundred times more enjoyable for me. Selfish, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“You’re going with Lulu. I doubt you’ll even notice that I’m not there.” I fall silent when the teacher stands and begins passing out our review papers.
“Not true,” he whispers.
“Yeah, okay.” I snort.
“Just think about it.” His bottom lip droops in the most pathetic pout I’ve ever seen.
If only he knew how badly I want to go to this dance with him.
The pit in my stomach deepens further with the knowledge that as of today, Alec Murray will never be mine. He made sure of that when he asked my best friend to be his girlfriend.
Not that he had any interest in me to begin with, but what little hope I was holding onto went up in a cloud of smo
ke when Lulu broke the news this morning.
Honestly, I’m still trying to process it.
I ignore the feeling of Alec’s eyes on me as I slide my book from my desk and drop it onto the rack under my chair.
I want to look at him. Lose myself in his eyes. It’s all I ever want to do. But I force my focus to stay forward. I have to ace this review if I hope to keep my grade up in this class, and obsessing over the guy next to me is not going to help matters.
Still, I can’t help but glance his way for a brief moment after he turns his attention to the test in front of him. No matter how many times I tell myself not to look. No matter how many times I tell myself to let this go. I can’t stop myself from crawling further down the rabbit hole...
I guess I really am a glutton for punishment.
Chapter Nine
“Hey honey,” my mom calls from the kitchen when I step inside the house.
“Hi,” I call back, able to see her standing behind the large island the instant I walk through the foyer.
Our house isn’t huge, but it boasts an open floorplan which makes it seem a lot more spacious.
“How was your day?” She waits until I drop my book bag on the floor and slide onto one of the stools on the opposite side of the island before pushing a plate of apple slices in my direction.
My mom isn’t usually home when I get in from school, but on the rare occasion that she is, she always has a snack waiting for me.
“It was a day.” I shrug, picking up one of the apple slices.
“Uh oh. I know that face.” She leans forward, resting her elbows on the shiny granite countertop. “What’s going on?”
I consider if I should tell her. I’ve always felt like I could talk to my mom, but I’ve never been much of a sharer. However, in this case, I feel like if I don’t say it out loud, I might burst at the seams.
“Lulu has a new boyfriend.” I sigh, taking a bite of apple.
“Well that’s exciting. What’s wrong? You don’t like the guy?” She tilts her head, her dark bob brushing the top of her shoulder.
“Not exactly.” I fail to meet her gaze, knowing she’ll see the truth the instant she looks in my eyes.
If there’s one person that can read the emotions written across my face, it’s my mom.
“Then what’s the problem?”
I take another bite of apple, taking my time to chew while I think about how I want to answer that question.
“I like him,” I admit, my gaze still turned down.
“Okay...” She draws the word out, obviously not picking up on what I’m subtly trying to say.
“Like, like him, like him.” I look up and meet her green eyes which widen slightly.
“Oh.” She straightens her posture.
“Yeah, oh,” I mutter, letting out a heavy breath.
“Does she know you like him?”
“No.”
“Does he know?”
“No.” I shake my head. “I didn’t really have time to figure out how I was feeling before Lulu swept in. By the time I did, it was too late.”
“Is this the new boy? The one you were telling me about a few weeks ago?”
“Alec.” I nod slowly. “He asked her to be his girlfriend today.” My bottom lip quivers. “I know it’s stupid. I know I should be happy for them. But...”
“But you can’t help but wish it were you he had asked to be his girlfriend?”
I nod, tears stinging the backs of my eyes.
I feel ridiculous. Childish even. All this over a guy I’ve known only three weeks. Could I be any more pathetic? And even though I know I should just suck it up and move on, I can’t stop the quell of sadness that builds inside of me at the thought.
“What do I do?” I ask, needing my mother’s guidance. “I obviously can’t tell them. Doing so wouldn’t change anything and would only hurt Lucy.”
“You’re going to face a lot of moments in your life when you’re forced to let go of something you really want. Moments when you have to make what feels like impossible choices. I wish I could tell you these things get easier the older you get, but that wouldn’t be the truth. But you’re young. Everything feels more intense at your age, more overwhelming. But I promise you, the hurt you’re feeling right now will fade. You’ll meet another guy. One you probably never saw coming. And little by little you’ll forget the loss you feel right now.”
“So what? I’m just supposed to go on like my feelings aren’t real. Like seeing them together doesn’t make me feel like I’m suffocating?”
“Yes.” She gives me a sad smile.
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“You know.” She knots her hands in front of herself, her thumb mindlessly tracing the spot where her wedding ring used to sit. It’s been three years and she still does it every time she thinks of Dad. “When you’re father and I started having problems, and I felt like what I was feeling was going to rip me apart, there was one thing that made me feel better.”
“What?”
“I’d write him letters.”
“Huh?” I draw back, having not expected this to be her answer.
“I would sit down and I’d write him a letter. Some were angry. Others were sad. But each one was exactly how I was feeling in that moment. I wrote each word as if I were saying it directly to him. I poured my heart and soul out on those pages. And then I ripped them up and threw them away.”
“So you never gave him the letters?”
“Nope. I wasn’t writing them for him. I was writing them for me. It made me feel better to get it all out, even if he would never read a single word I had written.”
“So you’re saying I should write Alec a letter?”
“If you think it would help. Sometimes we need an outlet. A way to share our feelings without any consequences.”
I think over her suggestion. As crazy as it sounds, I can’t deny that a part of me feels like maybe it would help. Maybe if I could verbalize how I’m feeling it would allow me to expunge some of the anger, jealousy, and resentment I feel toward my best friend. Maybe it would give me the chance to air out my feelings toward Alec without ever having to tell him.
“Thanks, Mom.”
“I’m always here if you need to talk. I know I’m just your mom, but I’ve been where you are. I’ve been your age and I know what it’s like to deal with some of the feelings you’re struggling with.” She reaches across the island and pats my hand. “I know it seems like life or death right now, but in a few years this will seem like such a small, insignificant thing that you’ll barely remember it. Trust me.”
“I hope so.” I slide out of the stool. “I’ve got a lot of homework I need to get done.”
“Okay. Well, take your apple with you and if you need to talk more, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks again, Mom.” I lean down and snag my book bag off the floor before picking up the plate of apples.
“I love you, Hope.”
“Love you too.”
Chapter Ten
“Happy Birthday!” I jump when Alec appears next to my car, seemingly out of nowhere.
“What the...” I hold my chest, feeling like I might have experienced a mild heart attack.
I shift the strap of my book bag up onto my shoulder and shut my car door before turning to face him, noticing the small cupcake he’s got in his hand.
“Alec.” I smile, feeling the familiar flush of heat to my cheeks.
“It’s not nearly as good as your macarons, or anything else that you make, but it’s the best I could do on such short notice.” He extends the chocolate iced cupcake in my direction. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me today was your birthday.”
“Sorry.” I take the baked treat from him. “I don’t usually make a big deal about my birthday.”
“I totally get that. But you think you might have at least mentioned it. You know when my birthday is.” If he didn’t look so damn cute I might think his feelings were actua
lly hurt.
“So,” I hold the cupcake up for inspection as Alec and I make our way toward the building, “am I to understand that you made this?” I throw him a sideways glance.
“Does it count if I helped?” He chuckles, tugging open the door for me before following me inside.
“That depends. By help do you mean you supervised?”
“Something like that.” He winks, knocking his shoulder against mine.
I won’t lie and say my feelings for Alec have gone away. If anything, they’re stronger than ever. But the pain that accompanied them has lessened. Either that, or I’m getting used to living with it. I think it’s the latter.
“Well, thank you,” I say as we reach my locker. “I don’t think anyone has ever brought me a cupcake to school before.”
“Anything for you, Russell.” I’m not sure when he started calling me by my last name, but he calls me Russell more than he calls me Hope now. “I’ll see you at lunch, yeah?”
“Sounds good.” I offer a small wave before watching him walk away.
Per usual, my heart protests the sight of him leaving.
“Yay! You got it!” My attention is pulled in the opposite direction when Lulu comes skipping up next to me moments after Alec disappears around the corner.
“Let me guess, you made it.”
“Guilty.” She grins. “But in all fairness, it was his idea. That man just does not know his way around a kitchen. I think maybe you should take him under your wing.”
The thought of them laughing and cooking together flashes through my mind and threatens to dampen my decent mood. I push it down deep. Along with all the other thoughts and feelings I’ve buried over the last few weeks.
“Not likely. But I appreciate you guys doing this for me.”
“Oh, that’s not your present from me.” She smiles, pulling a gift bag out from behind her back. “This is.” She extends it to me.
“Lu.” I look from her to the bag. “You know you didn’t have to get me anything.”
“Oh, hush. Open it already.” She shoves the bag into my hands and grabs the cupcake.
“Okay. Okay.” I laugh. “So pushy.”
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