You belong to Lulu. No matter how badly that hurts, no matter how much I wish it weren’t the case, the fact still remains that you do. And I have to find a way to be okay with that.
They say if you love someone, set them free. Words spoken by someone who’s never loved anyone. Because if they had, if they had felt even a fraction of what I feel for you, they’d know that letting go is impossible. And yet, isn’t that the point of this letter? To let you go. To make my peace with what can never be and find a way to move on.
I know you won’t ever read this letter. Truthfully, I’d be mortified if you did. But it doesn’t make any of this less true. You will forever be the first person to have stolen my heart. I just hope one day that you give enough of it back to allow me to love someone who isn’t you.
Almost never,
Hope
I stare down at the words I’ve written, the ink thick and dark against the white paper. The ridiculous ramblings of a lovesick teenager. God, how pathetic am I?
I have to resist the urge to rip the page from the book and tear it into a million tiny pieces.
Instead, I read it. Over and over again. So many times that by the time I’m done, I’ve all but memorized every word on the page. And even though writing it wasn’t some miracle fix, I do have to admit that I feel slightly better. Like maybe I needed to get it out in order to move past it.
Closing the notebook, I shove it into the back of my desk drawer. I’ll figure out what to do with it later. For now, I want to find a way to reset and move on with my life so it doesn’t feel like I’m walking around with daggers in my chest.
Standing, I cross the room, collapsing down on my bed before reaching over to flip off the lamp. As the darkness settles over me, I make myself a promise. That tonight will be the very last night I will lie awake thinking of Alec Murray. I just hope it’s a promise I can keep...
Chapter Twelve
Fifteen months later
“Hey Hope, where do you want me to put the cookies and stuff? Are we putting all the food outside?” I ask, turning toward her with two trays of cookies balanced in my hands.
She gives me a soft smile and shakes her head. Her dark brown waves move across her shoulders as she does.
“I told you that you didn’t have to help. You are a guest here.”
“Right. But this is your graduation party so as your friend it’s my job to help.”
“It’s our graduation party,” she corrects me, stepping forward to take both trays of cookies out of my hands. She slides them back onto the kitchen island before her green eyes come back to mine. “And I told you, you’re not allowed to help.”
“You can’t expect me to stand around and watch you do all the work.”
“You don’t have to stand around and watch me. You can go back outside with all of our other classmates and enjoy the beautiful afternoon.”
“Why would I do that? You’re the only person here I actually like.”
She laughs, the sound deep and rich. I swear she has the best laugh I’ve ever heard.
“Stop it. You have plenty of friends here.”
“I guess.” I shrug indifferently. “But you’re the only one I want to spend time with. Need I remind you that I’m leaving for California tomorrow and you’ll have to go an entire summer without me?”
“How will I ever survive?” She clutches her chest dramatically.
“Careful, Russell. You’re starting to make me think you won’t miss me.”
“Won’t miss you?” Her expression falls. “Of course I’m going to miss you. I’m going to miss you so much I won’t know what to do with myself.”
“At least Lucy will be happy I’m gone,” I mutter.
“She’s going to miss you and you know it. You just have to give her some time.” Hope reaches out, wrapping her fingers around my hand before giving it a gentle squeeze.
I hate that I hurt Lucy. I never wanted to do that. But after over a year of dating, I couldn’t get to where she was. She’s a great girl and some of my best memories are moments spent with her. But there was something missing. I think there always had been but I was too young and new at relationships to really notice.
“Be honest. How much shit did you catch for inviting me today?” I ask.
“Very little, actually. I made my stance clear. You’re both my friends and I won’t pick between the two of you,” she states matter of fact. “Is that why you’re in here instead of outside?” Hope gives me a knowing look. A look that I’ve seen countless times over the last year. “Because you’re avoiding Lulu?”
“No.” Hope raises her eyebrow. “Maybe,” I admit. “But I also really do want to spend some time with you before I leave.” I pout my bottom lip out dramatically.
“Gahhh,” she groans audibly. “How can I say no to that?” She smiles and like every smile that has come before it, it lights up the entire room.
Hope Russell has to be my favorite person on the planet. And while I’ve made several friends over the last year and a half, no one compares to Hope. She’s my best friend. Has been since that first day when she tried taking me out in the hallway. Though if you ask her, it was me that almost took her out.
I’ve never felt such an instant attraction to someone before, and while I had hoped there could possibly be more between us, I didn’t get the impression that Hope was interested. And then I started hanging out with Lucy and, well, the rest is history.
But I’d be lying if I said a part of me hasn’t always wondered ‘what if’. What if I had taken a leap of faith and asked Hope out instead of pursuing Lucy. What if I hadn’t been such a pussy? What if?
Would things be different now? Would we still be together? Would we be happy? Or would it have messed everything up?
Hope is everything you want in a girl. She’s smart and funny. I can be having the shittiest day and the sound of her laughter instantly makes me feel better. She’s sweet. A little shy. The most talented cook I’ve ever met. And damn, if she isn’t beautiful.
But the best part about Hope is that even though she’s all those things and so much more, she’s also the most humble, down to earth person I’ve ever met. Most girls who look like her don’t act like her. It’s like she’s completely oblivious to how incredible she is.
“Here.” Hope turns, picking up both trays of cookies that she took from me minutes ago. “Set these on the dessert table out back. And while you’re out there, will you please ask Henry if he’s ready to fire up the grill? Why my mom put him in charge of the hamburgers and hotdogs, I’ll never know. I may have taught him a few things over the years, but he still burns the burgers every single time.”
“Maybe it’s because she wants you to enjoy the party instead of worrying about hosting it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Now get.” She shoos me out of the kitchen.
Chuckling, I turn and head toward the back of the house before very carefully maneuvering my way through the back door.
If I dropped all these cookies Hope baked, after insisting that I should get to help, she’d serve my head on a platter in their place.
The backyard is littered with dozens of people. Most from our Senior class, along with some of Hope’s family. Even her dad showed up, which given what I’ve witnessed in the past, might not be a good thing.
You’d never guess by looking at either of them, but her parents have quite the tumultuous relationship. I found that out the hard way last year when I happened to be here one evening when her dad showed up.
The argument that ensued was pretty bad. For a second I thought Hope was going to have to call the cops to get her dad to leave. I could tell how embarrassed she was by the whole incident, no matter how much I tried to reassure her that it was no big deal. I mean, I get it. Dysfunctional parents is something I’m no stranger to. Hell, my mom moved halfway across the country to get away from my dad.
In fact, their relationship is so bad that I’ve only seen my dad a total of a few days over the last two years.
Which is one of the reasons why I decided to spend the summer in California when he asked. Considering that I start college here in the fall, I figured it might be our last chance to spend some real time together. Despite how much he and my mom dislike one another, I care about both of my parents.
“Don’t tell me she roped you into helping.” Wendy slides up to the long, fold out table next to me as I deposit the cookies on top.
“Quite the opposite, actually.” I turn toward Hope’s mom. “I didn’t really give her a choice in the matter.”
“I try to throw my daughter and her close friends a graduation party and my daughter ends up doing most of the work.”
“That’s Hope.” I snort. “Especially when food is involved.”
“I swear, sometimes she forgets that she learned how to cook from me.” She shakes her head. “Then again, I never took it that seriously.”
“She means business when it comes to food.” I’ve never met someone as passionate about something as Hope is about cooking. And she’s incredible in the kitchen. I’ve never had something she’s made and not found it utterly delicious. Doesn’t matter what it is. Appetizers. Entrees. Desserts. She’s a master of food.
“Considering she’s moving all the way to New York in the fall, I’d say so.” Her words catch me so off guard that I don’t have time to smooth my expression before she catches the confusion on my face. “She didn’t tell you?”
“I thought she was going to the local culinary institute.” Or at least that was the plan the last time we spoke about it.
“She was. But then she got a call two days ago that a spot opened up at the Culinary Institute of America.”
“She got in?”
“She got in.” She smiles. “But please don’t tell her I told you. I’m sure she was just waiting for the right time to announce it and here I go blabbing the news before she has a chance to.”
“I won’t say anything,” I promise, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Here I was preparing to be away from Hope for two months. Now we’re suddenly staring down the barrel of much longer than that.
We had it all planned. Hope was going to attend the Culinary School here in Lakend and I’d be at the University of Missouri in Colombia, which is only about twenty minutes from here. I was planning to live at home with my mom and commute to save some money.
Now I have no idea what’s going to happen.
I always knew Hope’s dream was to attend Culinary School in New York, but then she got waitlisted. While I was disappointed for her, a part of me was relieved because it meant I wouldn’t have to say goodbye.
“So, uh, Hope wanted me to see if Henry was ready to fire up the grill.”
“Yeah, I’ll have him get it ready if you want to go ahead and bring the meat out.”
“Yep. Can do.” I nod before spinning on my heel and quickly heading back toward the house.
I lock eyes with Lucy as I pass her talking to a group of girls from school. She barely glances at me before she plasters a smile on her face and continues her conversation.
This is exactly why I didn’t want to come today. Had it been anyone else hosting this party, I wouldn’t have. And while I know Lucy and I are going to have to find common ground, especially since we run in the same group of friends, she’s clearly not ready for that. And I can respect that. I know I hurt her. Even though that was never my intention.
But that doesn’t mean I want her to hate me either. It would be really nice to walk into a room and not feel her shooting daggers at my head.
Doing my best to ignore Lucy’s clear avoidance of me, I push my way through the back door.
“Henry is ready if you want to load me up.” I slide up next to her at the counter where she’s mixing some sort of pasta salad in a large glass dish. I can’t believe she’s going to be leaving me.
“Okay.” She continues to stir. “The meat is on a tray in the fridge. Would you mind grabbing it?”
“Not at all.” I turn, pulling open the refrigerator. I spot the meat on the middle shelf and pull it out before knocking the door closed with my hip. “Anything else I can do?” How will I ever get used to the idea of not having her here?
“Not at the moment.” She throws me a smile over her shoulder and I swear it hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest.
How am I going to last an entire summer without seeing that smile? Let alone who knows how long after that?
The thought sobers what little of my good mood is left.
——
I hang with some of my buddies from the basketball team for most of the party. After joining the team Senior year, I became pretty close with some of my teammates. I’ve played the sport every year since I was five, with the exception of Junior year due to moving right around the start of the season.
I considered trying to get a basketball scholarship for school, but they’re super competitive and I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue playing after high school.
Once the food was ready and Hope came outside, Lucy was pretty much glued to her side. Where not unusual, I couldn’t help but feel like she was doing it just to spite me. Regardless, I kept my distance out of respect for Hope. She already had her parents to worry about. I didn’t need her worrying about me and Lucy too.
And even though I couldn’t spend the party with who I wanted to, it was still really enjoyable. We ate, shot the shit, played a little cornhole, and got a fire going as the sun began to set.
It wasn’t your typical party, per se. More like a large cookout. Then again, Hope isn’t really the partying type. I can count with one finger how many times I’ve seen her drink alcohol. Because it only happened once. She ended up getting sick and puking on Lucy’s shoes. Where Lucy didn’t find it amusing, I sure as shit thought it was hilarious.
To my knowledge, that is the one and only time Hope Russell had drank at a party or otherwise. Just another example of how different Hope is than other girls. She doesn’t fall into peer pressure or buy into fads and trends. She is unapologetically herself and I love that about her. I wish more people were like her. Hell, I wish I was more like her.
“There you are.” I look to my left as Hope slides up next to me by the fire. A few of our friends surround the flames as they roast marshmallows.
“Here I am.” I grin down at her.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I was trying to keep my distance for Lucy’s sake.” I shrug, shifting my weight from one foot to the other.
“Well, she just left so you can breathe now,” she teases, leaning into my side. I wrap an arm around her shoulder and tug her in closer. “Can I ask you something?” she tacks on after a long moment of silence between us.
“Anything.”
“Why did you break up with Lulu? I know what you told her, but what’s the real reason? Did you really feel like you were going in different directions or was that a cop out?”
“I thought you didn’t want to get in the middle of it.”
“I don’t. I just... I don’t know.” She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “I guess I’m curious why a guy would break up with someone like Lulu. She’s smart, funny, drop dead gorgeous. I could go on and on.”
“Lucy is a great girl. Yes, she’s all the things you listed and more. But there was something missing. And I don’t know how to describe it. It wasn’t anything she did. It was just a feeling I had.” I turn my eyes back out to the fire, not able to hold her gaze any longer. “Besides, she’s moving to Texas in a couple of months. It’s doubtful things would have worked out even if my heart was in it.”
Everything I said is true, but it’s not the full truth. If I’m being honest with myself, Hope played a part in my decision to end things with Lucy. But I’ll never tell her as much.
“I guess I get that. Sometimes you have to trust your gut. If it’s telling you something is off, it’s probably because it is.”
“Yeah.”
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“So, are you excited about California? You leave in the morning, right?” Thank god she stopped asking about Lucy.
“My flight leaves at ten in the morning. I’m excited but I’m also a little nervous.”
“Why are you nervous?” I look back at Hope. Her face is turned up toward me, her eyebrows knitted together.
“I don’t know.” I blow out a breath. “I haven’t spent that much time with my dad over the last couple of years. He kind of feels like a stranger.”
“But he’s not. He’s your dad.”
“I know.” I nod.
“It might be a little weird at first, but I bet within a couple days you’ll feel right at home again. Besides, you can go see some of your old friends. That has to be exciting.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey.” She knocks her hip against mine. With her close, I can’t help but wrap my arm around her. “Cheer up, buttercup. You’re acting like your dog just died or something.”
“Sorry.” I force a smile. “I’m just nervous. It’ll be fine.”
“Yes, it will. And I expect you to Facetime me at least once a week. I’m not above hunting you down on the West Coast.”
“Is that a promise?” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “Because I might conveniently forget to call you in hopes that you’ll fly out to see me.”
“Ha. Ha.” She sticks her tongue out at me before wiggling out of my grasp.
Fuck, why does she have to be so damn cute?
“You think I won’t. I’ve never been to the Pacific Ocean. I’ve heard the beaches there are the best.”
“They are,” I agree, though I’ve only been to one beach that wasn’t on the West Coast, and that was when I was little.
“Stay here. I have something for you,” she tells me, jogging off before I can object. I watch her disappear inside the house and then reappear less than a minute later.
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