“Why not?”
“Because it would ruin the surprise,” he tells me, sliding down onto the edge of my bed as his eyes follow my every movement.
“The surprise? Why do I need to be surprised?”
“I just don’t want to spoil it. One day, hopefully you’ll get to read it. And when you do, I want you to go in completely blind.”
“Now I’m even more curious.” I turn, hitting him with an apprehensive look. “Why is this the first time I’m hearing about it? You never mentioned this in all the times we’ve talked.”
“It’s something I’ve been working on in secret for the past few months. I guess I didn’t want anyone to know until I knew if I could actually write it or not.”
“And now you know you can?”
“I wasn’t sure how the transition would be, going from writing articles and news stories to writing something...”
“Fictional?” I take a guess at what he’s trying to say when he pauses.
“Not exactly. But I guess that’s a good comparison.”
“You’re kind of not making any sense,” I inform him, dropping my brush on top of my dresser. “There,” I announce, holding my arms out. “How do I look?”
“Even more beautiful than I remember.” His eyes start at my face, doing a full sweep to my feet before coming back up.
“Alec.” I roll my eyes in an effort to distract myself from the heat creeping up the sides of my neck. “So, what’s the game plan?” I ask, grabbing my knitted purse off the back of my desk chair.
“I don’t know.” He pushes to a stand and follows me toward the door. “I want to see everything.”
“Everything?” I question, grabbing my keys and phone off the dresser before dropping them into my purse and tugging the door open.
“Yeah. I want to see it all. Where your classes are. Where you work. Where you like to hang out. Give me a day in the life of Hope Russell.”
“Okay, but I have to warn you, it’s not going to make for a very eventful day.” I shake my head, stepping into the hallway. I wait until he follows me out of the room before pulling the door shut and securing the lock. “Are you sure you don’t want to drive back into the city?”
“I’ve been to New York City before. There’s nothing I want to see there that I haven’t already seen. But this?” He gestures around as we step outside. “This is something I want to see.”
I squint into the early afternoon sun. It’s a beautiful day. Just warm enough that you don’t need a jacket, but still cool enough that you don’t feel like you’re melting. I love late spring in New York. That, and early fall. To me that’s when the weather is the nicest.
“So, how have you been?” I ask as we make our way down the sidewalk side by side. “We haven’t talked in a few weeks.”
“I’m good.” He keeps his gaze trained forward as he talks. “Dad and Katy are getting a divorce. Did I tell you that?”
“No?” I gape up at him. “Already? They’ve only been married less than a year, right?”
“Yep.” He chuckles. “But then again, who didn’t see that coming.”
“I bet your mom found a little humor in that news.”
“You could say that. Her and Aunt Jackie may have gone out drinking to celebrate.”
“Oh god.” I cover my mouth to muffle my laughter. “How is your mom doing, by the way? Are you guys liking the new house?”
The last time we spoke, he said she finally bought a place after living in an apartment since moving to Missouri. It’s in the same neighborhood as his aunt and uncle. And of course, Alec moved with her considering Lakend is only twenty minutes from the University of Missouri.
It seems weird thinking of him there without me, in the place where I grew up. In the place where nearly every single one of my memories takes place.
“It’s nice. More than she needs. I won’t be with her more than a couple more years. Then she’s going to be stuck in that big house all by herself.”
“You never know. Maybe she’ll meet someone.” I shrug.
“Doubtful. I think my father ruined men for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she spends the rest of her life having never dated another man again.”
“Well, I hope that’s not the case. Everyone deserves to have someone.”
“Yeah.” His voice trails off and a few beats of silence pass between us. “What about you?”
“What about me?” I ask, not following his question.
“Do you have someone? In your life.”
“Are you asking me if I’m seeing anyone?” I’m a little taken aback by his question. In all the times we’ve spoken over the last couple of years, our dating lives have never been a topic that’s discussed. I think in a way I was too scared to ask because I didn’t want to know if he was seeing anyone.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Are you seeing anyone?” I ask instead of answering.
“I’ve been on some dates over the past few months, but no, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment.” He follows me to the right, matching my slow strides.
“Me either,” I admit.
“Been on any dates?”
“A couple.” I downplay my answer. Truth be told, I had actually been seeing someone for about six months. Darren. We are part of the same program and share quite a few classes.
I really liked him, but after a while I couldn’t get over the fact that I felt no excitement with him. There was no passion. No butterflies. Eventually, we decided we were better off as friends. Well, I decided.
“Anyone you want to tell me about?”
“Not really,” I admit. “Is there a reason we’re having this conversation?”
“No.” He shrugs. “Just curious about your life.”
“Well, it’s not very exciting.” I snort. “I pretty much do nothing but work and school. But then again, you already knew that.”
“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve talked. Things can change.”
“Yeah.” I blow out a breath. “So...have you talked to Lulu at all?” I ask even though I already know the answer. Lulu would have told me if they had.
“I actually haven’t seen or spoken to her since your graduation party. Then again, I’m guessing you already knew that.”
“I did,” I admit, feeling a little foolish for even bringing it up. I’m honestly not sure why I did.
“Did you ever tell her what happened between us?”
My stomach twists.
“What do you mean?” I play stupid.
“What do you mean, what do I mean?” He gives me a knowing look. “About what happened the night of your graduation party.”
Like I could forget...
“No. And I don’t ever plan to. No sense in hurting her over something we mutually agreed wouldn’t happen again.”
“Did we agree to that?” He stops so abruptly that I walk a couple of steps ahead of him before I realize it.
“What?” I spin around to face him.
“Did we agree that it would never happen again, or that it shouldn’t have happened then?” he asks.
“Alec.” I blow out a breath, really not wanting to get into this with him.
How do you tell someone that they’re all you think about? All you dream about. All you want. And yet you know you can’t have them.
“I’m sorry.” He shuffles his feet. “I’m not trying to dredge up the past or anything.”
“You know how I feel about you. That hasn’t changed,” I tell him, taking a step toward him before reaching for his hand. “And you know how much I wish things were different.”
“Yeah.” He looks down at the ground. “Me too.”
“Hey.” I wrap my fingers around his and squeeze. “Let’s not do this, yeah? You’re here and I’m really so happy to see you. Can we just try to hang out, you know, like we used to? Before everything.”
He thinks on that for a long moment before his gaze comes back up to mine, an easy smile sliding across his lips.
�
�Yeah, we can do that.”
“Great. Now come on.” I tug his hand. “I’ve got so much to show you.”
Chapter Fifteen
I spend the entire afternoon showing Alec all around campus. I take him through every building, pointing at the rooms where I have class and showing him the kitchen where I do most of my hands-on training.
Besides the one heavy moment at the beginning, we keep things light. We talk about our favorite classes and what we both like and dislike about college. And Alec tells me about what led to his dad and Katy’s impending divorce.
By the time we sit down for dinner nearly four hours later, it almost feels like old times. Almost... There’s still this lingering tension between us. I’m just not sure if it’s only me or if it’s something he feels too.
And I know where it’s stemming from.
Because no matter how much I try to pretend like he’s just Alec; one of my closest friends, the boy I spent countless hours with my last two years of high school, I can’t stop my mind from going back to that night. The night when he read my letter. The night when he said he felt the same way. The night that he kissed me.
And all I want is for him to do it again, no matter how much I shouldn’t.
Our situation hasn’t changed. He’s still Lulu’s ex-boyfriend. We still live hundreds of miles apart. Even if we both wanted to make this work, I don’t see any way that we could.
It’s a sobering thought. Knowing that what I want more than anything is sitting right in front of me and I can’t reach out and take it.
“Can I ask you something?” Alec slides his fork through the piece of caramel pie we’re currently sharing.
“What?”
“Don’t get mad, okay?” He shoves the bite into his mouth, chewing slowly.
“You can’t lead with that.” I wave my fork at him.
“Why not?”
“Because making a blanket statement like that before asking a question puts me on edge, making it ten times more likely that I’m going to get mad.”
“I’m not sure I understand your logic.” He chuckles.
“Just ask,” I say after a long moment.
“What?” He pops another bite of pie into his mouth.
“Ask the question.”
“Well I can’t now.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ve already said you’re going to get mad.”
“I’m going to get mad if you don’t ask me now,” I warn playfully.
“Fine.” He sets his fork on his napkin and leans back in the booth. “I ran into JR the other day.”
“JR Hensley?” I ask, knowing the name all too well. I’d dated JR for four months my Senior year of high school. And I spent our entire relationship trying to convince myself that what I felt for him was real. When, in reality, it didn’t come close to the feelings I had for Alec. The feelings I still have for him.
“Yeah.” He nods. “So, obviously I know you two dated for a while.”
“Obviously.” Considering he and Lulu doubled with me and JR for prom, I’d be worried if he didn’t know that.
“Did you sleep with him?” he asks right as I take a drink of my iced tea. I suck the liquid down the wrong hole and spend the next several seconds sputtering and coughing.
“Shit, sorry.” He starts to slide out of the booth but I hold my hand up to stop him.
“Wrong hole,” I manage to choke out, clearing my throat a few more times.
“I didn’t intend on making you choke.” I’m not sure by his expression if he’s more worried or amused by my reaction.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. You just caught me off guard.” I force a smile, clearing my throat again. “Is there a reason why you’re asking me this?” As much as I don’t want to answer, I want to know why he’s asking even more.
“It’s stupid.” He shakes his head.
“Not an answer.” I don’t let him off so easily.
“I ran into JR the other day coming out of the hardware store. We got to talking. The last real interaction we had was at prom, so naturally the topic came up. He made a comment about that night. About how you went back to his house after because his parents weren’t home. But you told me and Lucy you were going home.”
“I was going to go home, but he suggested we go back to his place and I thought it sounded like fun.”
I leave out the part where that night was the beginning of the end for me and JR. It became apparently clear before I even left his house that I’d made a mistake. And not because he did anything wrong, but because it was exactly as I expected it would be. Dry. Emotionless. The exact opposite of what I wanted my first time to be like.
“So you slept with him?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I did.” My forehead furrows. “Surely Lulu told you as much.”
I don’t know why, but I assumed when I told Lulu about my night with JR that she would have told Alec.
“Actually, she didn’t.”
“I’m confused. Why are we talking about this again?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. After JR made that comment about you guys going back to his house it’s kind of been eating at me ever since. And I guess it kind of bothers me, knowing that you had done that with him and not told me. We were friends, weren’t we?”
“Alec, no offense, but when have we ever talked about stuff like that? You and Lulu started sleeping together a month into your relationship and it’s not like you ever told me.”
“I know. I just... Fuck, I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his hair.
“Wait.” The realization of what’s happening here smacks me right in the face. “Are you jealous?”
“Of course I’m jealous.” He makes no qualms about admitting it. “I know it sounds stupid, but I always liked to imagine that you’d never been with someone like that before.”
“You realize JR isn’t the only guy I’ve slept with, right?” I don’t know why I volunteer this information. Maybe it’s because I don’t see a reason not to. Or maybe it’s because I like the look that crosses his face when I do. A mix between hurt and anger.
It’s horrible of me, I know that. But having lived with that same jealousy and anger for most of our friendship, it feels good to be able to dish it back. And then there’s also the excitement...the thrill I get knowing I have the power to make him jealous.
Jesus, what is wrong with me?
“And I’m guessing Lulu isn’t the only girl you’ve slept with. I bet you’ve slept with countless people.”
“Countless?” He gawks at me. “Is that how you see me? Some guy who goes around sleeping with random women?”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately? Why wouldn’t you?”
“So am I to assume the same thing about you? That you run around sleeping with random guys?”
“What?” I draw back.
“There’s no way you don’t have guys falling at your feet with every turn. Hell, I’ve seen it happen. So if I’m using your logic, then I guess I’m left to assume that you’re just as promiscuous as you’re accusing me of being.”
“Um, okay. One, no one has ever fallen at my feet.” I hold up a finger. “And two, for your information, I’ve only slept with a total of two people.” I hold up a second finger. I don’t feel the need to add that the second wasn’t all that long ago with Darren, who I still see every single day. “And three, I wasn’t trying to offend you. It’s just, you’re a guy, a really, really good-looking guy. I guess I just figured...”
He cuts me off before I can finish. “You were always the most unobservant person.”
“What are you talking about?” I don’t try to hide my confusion.
“When we first met, short of coming right out and saying so, I don’t think I could have been more obvious that I was interested in you. Yet when I told you that night at your house, you acted shocked, like the possibility that I could be attracted to you had never crossed your mind.”
“Because it didn’t,” I interject.
“You’re only making my point for me.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest and relaxes further back into the booth. “For two years I watched guys shamelessly flirt with you, vying for your attention. But no matter what they did, you never batted an eye. I used to find it amusing, watching them try and fail.”
“Okay, now I’m really confused.”
“Of course you are.” He chuckles.
“Would you stop beating around the bush and say what you want to say.”
“You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?”
His words send my heart leaping directly into my throat, cutting off my ability to utter a reply.
“That’s my point. Everywhere you go, you’re the most beautiful woman in the room, yet you’re completely oblivious to the effect you have on people.”
“I think you’re delusional.” I huff. Could he be any more ridiculous?
“Think what you want, doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Can we just get back to whatever we were talking about before?” I ask, desperate to change the subject.
“Fine. But since you’ve told me how many people you’ve slept with, I guess it’s only right that I do the same for you.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table in front of him.
“I’m not sure I want to know,” I admit, the jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach already nagging at me.
“Well, too bad. Five,” he states bluntly.
“Five?” I question, thinking it’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, yet so much worse at the same time.
“Two before I came to Missouri. Lulu, which you already knew about. And two others since her.”
“Two before you came to Missouri. Jesus, how old were you the first time you had sex?”
“Fifteen,” he admits unapologetically.
“Fifteen?” I choke, my throat suddenly dry.
“Don’t look at me like that. Fifteen isn’t that young.”
“Maybe not to you. But I hadn’t even kissed a boy at that age let alone considered sleeping with one.”
“Well, as you so bluntly put it earlier, I am a guy.”
“Stop it. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
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