I winced, literally winced, at Goldie’s response.
"We're too busy sucking and fucking."
"I seriously doubt that," Ellie countered assuredly. "Sax has been in love with Holly for years. I can't see him wasting his time on a skank like you."
Goldie threw her head back and laughed loudly. "Love and sex are two different things. And Sax is an animal in bed. He was in my bed last night."
My cheeks were burning as I kept my back to her. "Yes, you already made that clear this morning."
JoJo and Ellie reacted with the same stunned, open-mouth, round-eyed expressions. Goldie shrugged with a cunning gleam in her eyes.
"I'll have him in my bed again tonight, too..." She paused for effect. "Or maybe I'll let him fuck me on his bike. That was our favorite place when we were on the road on the way here."
Sax and I had fucked many times on his bike. The idea that he'd had another woman on the back of his bike, and the visual of them together turned my stomach. Finally, I'd had enough, and I turned to face the bitch. "You're a beautiful woman, Goldie. Your insecurities and bitchiness takes away from that. You should have more respect for yourself than to be with someone who only wants to fuck you. You haven't been at the clubhouse long, and yet you've already turned into a slutty whore who only wants to sink her claws into a biker and stir up trouble."
I heard JoJo and Ellie snort behind me.
"You're the jealous bitch making a fool out of yourself with a man who doesn't want you anymore." She took a puff of her cigarette and blew it out in one long stream.
"For your information, Holly is the one who broke it off with Sax."
I knew Ellie was just trying to help.
Goldie shrugged with indifference. "And she fucked up by having another man's brat."
Thank God for her sake that she hadn't said bastard. I resisted the urge to get up and slap Goldie's face. She was trying to provoke me into a reaction, and I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. I glanced down at Ava and smiled. Looking at her made everything okay, made me feel good inside. Even Goldie's harsh, hateful words didn't hurt as much.
"I'm going back to check on Snake." They were the first words Cherry had spoken since she and Goldie had walked up. She'd been with the MC long enough to know to keep her mouth shut and mind her own business.
"Wait for me!" Goldie got up and quickly followed Cherry. "Maybe I'll find Sax and suck his big cock." Her laughter drifted away the further she walked.
I clenched my teeth.
"Honey—" JoJo reached over and touched my arm. "You know these bitches talk trash half the time. They're the jealous ones, because they know they're not good enough to be old ladies."
I smiled at her attempt to make me feel better. "I'm good," I lied. "I just didn't realize that staying part of the club after I broke up with Sax was going to mean so much drama."
Ava began to stir. It was time for me to take her inside to change and feed her.
"Why don't you leave her?" Ellie suggested as I got up and reached for Ava's diaper bag.
"She's going to want some food in a few minutes. I've got some applesauce and cereal in the kitchen. Maybe you can take her for a little while tonight while I get my shower?"
"Sure, honey. We're going to watch some Disney movies tonight with the rest of the kids, see how long they can occupy our little monsters."
"If they're the cartoons they might hold Ava's interest for a little while." I scooped my daughter up and gave her a kiss. "See you guys later."
As I walked toward the front of the building, my attention was drawn to a buzzing noise coming from the direction of the warehouse. Reid was spray painting the side of a van. Noticing me looking his way, he gave a wave, but continued working. As I continued walking, I thought to myself that he must have been doing work for someone outside of the club, because I'd never seen anyone in the club driving a white van.
Chapter 19
Sax
Fuck. The three hours of sleep that I'd managed to grab after church weren’t nearly enough, but it would have to do if I wanted to sleep tonight. I'd made it by on less with a little help from a hot shower and some booze. With a solid plan in place for tomorrow night, I couldn't wait for the shit with the Knights to be done. Taking out one of their main avenues of revenue, along with more of their brothers, was getting us closer to wiping the fuckers off the map.
We're going to put a halt to their sick twisted business of selling flesh.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist before grabbing another to rub over my head. My hair was getting too fucking long. Holly had always kept it trimmed for me, but I hadn't bothered with it since our split. As I brushed my teeth and trimmed up my beard, preferring to keep a little stubble, I thought about the woman who I loved and hated at the same time.
I thought about little Ava, too, and the possibility that she could be mine.
Did I want her to be mine? Fuck yeah, for several reasons. I didn't want Holly to have to live with the constant reminder of the men who'd assaulted her. She hadn't deserved that, no woman did. She didn't deserve to live with that kind of pain. She was strong and kind and I knew that she loved Ava no matter what, but if Ava turned out to be one of her rapists’ then she would never be able to completely let go of what had happened to her.
I'd always insisted that I didn't want kids, using the lie that I didn't want to raise one in the club. But fear was the real reason that I’d refused to give Holly the baby she'd wanted so badly. I'd never told her about my family, choosing instead to keep it simple by telling her that they were all dead. Less lies that way.
Less shame.
Jesus Christ. I threw the razor in the sink and gripped the porcelain, staring at my reflection. I wanted so badly to turn back the clock for a fucking do over. The problem was I didn’t know how far back I would even go. I snorted as if it were even a possibility. If it had been an option, Holly and I would probably have never met, because knowing what I knew now, I would have chosen not to be born.
A noise coming from my bedroom drew me out of the bathroom to check it out. I paused in the doorway, seeing Holly halfway into the room with Ava asleep in her arms. Our eyes met, and she halted. It was obvious that she hadn't expected to see me. She'd been heading toward the crib.
"Stay."
She hesitated only briefly before continuing to the crib and laying Ava down carefully. She settled the baby on her back and drew a light blanket over her before straightening and turning my way.
"She sleeps a lot."
Her smile was instant and genuine. "She's a baby, Sax. They sleep a lot in the beginning."
Her eyes moved over me, causing me to smirk and my dick to stir. She'd always had that effect on me. The sex between us had always been intense and satisfying, like it was the first time every time, and Holly had always been down with whatever I'd thrown at her. She liked it rough, she liked different, and she demanded as much as she gave. Thinking about her soft curves and tight pussy made me hard as fuck within seconds, but I resisted the pull.
I could tell that she had questions. Hell, I had questions, too. The problem with Holly and me was that we both had secrets. My gaze dropped with lazy interest down her body, taking in the shape of her full, rounded tits in her tank, and the tightness of her shorts between her luscious thighs. Her legs were tanned and strong, and I tried not to remember how they felt wrapped around my body when I was plowing into her. What turned me on the most was the graceful column of her neck and shoulders, exposed because she'd pulled her hair up in a messy bun.
I liked sucking on that silky flesh and taking in her scent, liked sinking my teeth into her in the primitive act of an animal claiming its mate. Fuck, these kinds of thoughts were getting me nowhere, because I didn't intend to fuck Holly again. If I kept going down that road I would never move on, so I was going to ignore what my body wanted if it killed me.
"Um, she won't sleep long, and then we'll be out of your hair." She seeme
d nervous, which was funny, considering our history. "I, ah, ordered a home DNA kit. When it comes in I'll let you know."
Good. I wanted that shit over with. "Sit," I said, gesturing towards the bed.
She looked toward the bed, then back at me. "Why?"
"We need to talk." She had that fight or flight look in her eyes. "We'll keep it low so we won't wake Ava."
She took a deep breath and moved to sit on the end of the bed. "Okay."
I decided to stay where I was, and leaned against the doorjamb, crossing my arms. "I want some answers."
"Are we going to play twenty questions?" She crossed her legs and leaned back, resting her hands behind her on the bed.
The position made those tits jut out. I could see her nipples were hard through the thin material of her top, see those large, dark areolas. I sucked in my breath as fire raced through my veins. "No, I'm the only one asking the questions," I clarified.
She laughed softly, and when she realized where my eyes were focused she straightened up. "I have questions, too, Sax."
I ignored that. "I want to know the real fucking reason you ended us."
"I found out I was pregnant." I thought that was all she was going to say until she added, "I knew that I was going to keep the baby and that you didn't want kids, so it seemed like the only solution."
"There's something you're not telling me. I feel it in my gut." Holly's eyes shifted away, and I knew that my instincts were right. She looked guilty as fuck. "I've had some time to think, and you know what I find interesting?" She just stared at me, but I could see the worry in her eyes. "We were together a long time and you never got pregnant, so why did it happen then? How does that fucking happen?"
Again she avoided my eyes, as if she were afraid that I would see the truth in hers. She focused her gaze on Ava as if she could draw strength from her. "Do you remember you were so adamant about us not having a baby that you used a condom even while I was on birth control? Those...men..."
"Fuck, don't say it!" I grated, loud enough that Ava jerked but then quickly settled down again. Christ, I couldn't handle hearing about anything those fuckers had done to her when I was supposed to be protecting her. The image of them holding Holly down while they took turns raping her, beating her, sent me into a blind rage that made me want to destroy something or kill someone.
I wanted to kill those bastards a second time, and I hoped they were burning in hell.
And then I remembered something. I hadn't used a condom every time. There'd been times that I'd lost control and taken her bare. Fuck. I hadn't even bothered to suit up at all since we'd been back, and Holly had all but admitted that she wasn't on birth control. Why that didn't bother me, I didn't know.
She opened her mouth to say something, and then quickly shut it again. What had she been about to say? Her eyes were downcast, as if she were searching for the right words.
"I didn’t wear a condom every time, but you were still on birth control—" I halted abruptly, not because Holly interrupted me, but because I heard her soft, tearful whisper. I frowned. "What?"
She didn't look at me. "I have to tell you something." Her words were so low it was hard to make them out. "Something that will make you hate me even more than you already do."
I didn't waste my breath trying to deny it, she was probably right. When she finally turned her face to me, I recognized the stark devastation on it. My stomach lurched with the depth of her misery. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, her mouth was trembling. This was costing her.
"I wanted a baby so badly that I did a horrible thing," she confessed, wiping her cheeks, but the tears kept coming. "So badly, Sax, that I convinced myself that if it happened you would accept and welcome a child." She sobbed. "I was banking on the belief that you loved me enough to forgive me anything. But then the assault happened, and I realized how much I'd messed up."
I stepped away from the doorway, my hands fisted at my sides. What had she done? Judging from her tearful outpouring it was big, at least in her eyes. The only thing I could imagine was that she'd betrayed me in some way. "What the fuck did you do?"
At first I didn't think Holly was going to answer me. She looked away, sucking in air, her entire body trembling. She wiped her cheeks one last time and uttered brokenly, "I-I sto-stopped taking m-my birth con-control."
I went numb and stood frozen in place, shaking my head with disbelief. It took a solid minute before I could digest her words and the meaning behind them. She'd stopped taking her pills? How could she? Apparently what I'd wanted hadn't mattered, and she'd been counting on me to forgive her? For being dishonest with me? What the fuck?!
"When?" I snapped.
"Does it matter?"
"When?!" I was so fucking angry that I was shaking.
"Right before the assault."
Right before the assault. Shit! How long before the assault? Had we had sex? Did it matter? Christ! I reached up and pulled at my hair, turning around and walking away from her. I didn't trust myself not to hurt her, I was so angry. She'd made up her mind that she was going to have a baby no matter what, and she'd been willing to trick me to accomplish that! I was fucking livid. I paced back and forth like a wild animal, clenching and unclenching my fists.
"I made a mistake!" she whisper shouted. "I'm sorry!"
I stopped and snapped my head in her direction. "You're sorry?" I snorted. "Sorry hardly erases your deceit, Holly. The woman I knew and loved would have never resorted to lying and deception to get what she wanted. That's all on you." I was so fucking angry that I felt my control slipping. "Once there's no trust between two people, there's fucking nothing."
"I know that! God, Sax, I know that. But have you ever wanted something so badly that you would have done anything to get it? Even if the only way you could obtain it was to lie?"
I clenched my jaw because, yeah, I had.
"Was it so wrong with me wanting a baby with the man I love?"
It was not her wanting it that was wrong, but the way she’d gone about doing it. Maybe denying her needs had made me a selfish bastard. She hadn't known that I didn't want kids when she'd entered into a relationship with me. Her happiness had always been important to me, but making the choice to go off birth control without at least discussing it first... Jesus, fuck! It enraged me. I went to her and yanked her to her feet.
"You were off birth control when you were assaulted. You may very well have let one of them put a baby in your belly. Do you get that?!" I knew I was being cruel, but the whole situation was fucked up.
Holly gasped and slapped me hard, tears running down her face. "You don't think I live with that thought every day?" Her voice was hoarse with emotion, her lips trembling. "And I didn't let anything happen to me." She put her hands on my chest and tried to push me away. "I'm paying for my fucked-up mistake now, aren’t I?" There was bitterness in her tone.
"Which fucked up mistake—having a baby, or losing me?"
She gasped. "Let me go, Sax."
"Gladly," I sneered, releasing her so roughly that she fell back onto the bed.
I. Was. Done.
I spun around and gathered up some clean clothes before disappearing into the bathroom again. Once I was dressed, I returned to the bedroom to get my boots. I ignored Holly, who was still sitting quietly on the bed. Every few seconds I heard her sniffle, but I refused to let it suck me in. I never could stand to see her hurt, but she'd done this to herself. I wasn't sure if I could ever forgive her for what she'd done. All I knew right now was that I couldn't stand to look at her.
Once I’d put on my boots I walked out.
I needed space.
I needed to be alone.
Chapter 20
Holly
Hearing the click of the door as it closed behind Sax allowed me to release the breath I'd been holding. I sank back on the bed and closed my eyes. The girls would be proud of me for finally telling him what I'd done. Now I just had to live with the fallout. The truth hadn't set me free, as
the saying went. It had only damaged what little relationship we’d had left. I didn't blame Sax for hating me. I deserved it after what I'd done to him.
I knew how he and his brothers felt about loyalty, and how they dealt with disloyalty, especially disloyalty to the club. They had each other's backs, and if one brother got hurt, they all reacted to it. They took brotherhood to a whole other level when it came to their commitment to the club bylaws.
I let the tears flow down the side of my head and onto the bed. I was pretty sure that there was no future for Sax and me. No forgiveness. He might understand my desperation to have a baby, but he would never understand why I'd lied to him to achieve what I’d wanted. Looking back now, I’d been a fool to think that things would work out, for banking on love above all else. All I could hope for now was that one day we could be friends. I needed to have Sax in my life in some way.
Gradually, the tears stopped. I relaxed enough to doze off, until I heard Ava vocalizing that she was awake from her nap. Usually the first few minutes after she woke she'd lay there and entertain herself with baby chatter. I often wondered what went on inside her little head. What did babies think about?
I rolled off the bed and went to the bathroom to wash my face and run a brush through my hair, then pinned it back up. I couldn't say that the nap had refreshed me. The tears had left my face a blotchy mess, and my eyes were swollen and red, revealing the depth of the raw emotions that were tearing me up inside. Suck it up, I told myself. The hard part was over.
When I reached the crib, Ava was checking out her toes as if it were the first time that she was seeing them. Her little face was so serious until she noticed me smiling down at her, and then she threw her little legs out and wiggled happily.
"Did you have a good nap, honey?" I reached for her and cuddled her against me tightly, kissing her little chubby cheeks. "Mommy got a nap, too," I cooed, taking her over to the bed to change her. After a quick change, I headed out, scanning the room below as I went down the stairs. Dinnertime was coming up, and I wanted to help out in the kitchen.
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