by Ann Aguirre
“They’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered.
Hardly. I can make excuses not to invite everyone else over for a little longer.
* * *
Two days later, I had take-out tamales and other snacks from the bodega on the counter. I’d asked Selena to vanish for the night, as I had no idea how to explain her, and Jake had already rejected the cousin story. Kian and Vonna showed up first, so I welcomed them with a nervous smile.
“Welcome to Casa Nine. I’d give you a tour, but there’s not much to see. Bathroom’s over there, though.”
“Whoa, how many people live here?” Vonna asked.
I understood her surprise. “Two. This is temporary housing, and my dad works a lot.” That was true before I left anyway. Some days, I hardly saw him. Pain twisted me into knots, and my nerve endings ignited. Turning a gasp into a cough, I added, “Help yourself to the food. Those tamales are the best thing ever.”
Jake rubbed my back. “You okay?”
I nodded.
The others fixed plates, so I did too. My tamale tasted like heartbreak, but I chewed and swallowed until it was gone. In my gut, the food felt like it might expand until my body couldn’t contain it. Hope I don’t explode into light confetti tonight. Flexing my fingers, I reassured myself that the gloves would hide any telltale signs.
“I noticed you wear those all the time lately,” Kian said.
“Poor circulation. I’m always cold.”
That seemed to be enough, and I turned on an old movie after that, the one we’d decided was the most underrated. The film riveted Vonna and Kian, who snuggled up on the couch. I chose a seat on the floor and leaned against Jake’s legs, avoiding greater intimacy. Every now and then, he stroked my hair, but it seemed like the absent attention you’d offer a dog.
Yeah, he’s definitely not falling for me.
Once the movie finished, we deconstructed it over a tin of Danish sugar cookies. These still tasted sweet, so I ate a bunch, greedily savoring the last hurrah of my dissolving taste buds. Jake contributed more than I expected, analyzing the themes with a deftness that proved again he was far more than a handsome athlete. No joke, by the time he finished dissecting the sacrificial motif from all angles, he seemed a hundred times hotter.
“I never thought of that,” Kian said, “but maybe you’re right.”
Vonna was nodding. “It’s so common for women to die tragically in old movies.”
“Usually to save someone else,” I muttered.
And here I’m doing the same thing. But to be fair, he died for me first.
“I just realized I don’t know much about you.” Vonna smiled at me. “I’ve heard some from Kian, but you’re pretty reticent.”
Her sincerity made me feel shitty, so I couldn’t quote the fake bio I’d worked up. She deserved something real. “Okay, let me dig deep for something nobody else knows.”
She rubbed her hands together. “This should be good.”
“I’m secretly a huge nerd. You can’t understand how much I love anime. When I was twelve, all I did was post on anime forums, watch anime, read manga, and so on. Oh, and I semimarried my rock tumbler that year too.”
“Oh, man,” Jake said with a muted groan. “Why does this information make you cuter?”
“Did you have a geode collection?” Kian wanted to know.
“Obviously.”
His gaze met mine, and a small jolt went through me, an echo of longing. “Me too.”
“Too funny,” Vonna said. “What forums did you hang out on? And what’s your favorite anime? I don’t even know what I should ask first.”
My cheeks heated, and it was weirdly like standing naked when I showed them the forum where NamiNerd was currently chatting with me about One Piece. They crowded around to read, and Jake nudged me.
“You’re TimeWitch, right? So your anime love didn’t die off.” He wrapped his arms around me from behind, and I didn’t resist, until he dug his fingers in to test if I was ticklish.
Squirming away, I mumbled, “Shut up.”
“Would I like One Piece?” Kian asked, once we closed my laptop.
“Probably. It’s a fun series. Also, it has pirates.” Thus encouraged, I talked about the story and characters for a good five minutes. Funny, it had been forever since I’d been honest with anyone about the real me.
“Want to check it out with me?” Vonna leaned her head against Kian’s shoulder.
Nodding, Kian smiled at her, not me, and that was exactly as it should be. So why does it hurt so much?
KILLING TIME
Near the end of April, Jake’s driver dropped me off in front of the school and then circled to the gym entrance, while Jake waved through the back window. Now that’s service. Tons of people milled around outside, radiating an air of excitement. In the mob, I recognized Devon.
Tapping him on the shoulder, I asked, “What’s up?”
“Word is, Wade’s coming back today.”
“Is he doing any better?” I had mixed feelings, considering how peaceful life had been since he went to county. Still, it wasn’t his fault that Wedderburn twisted him, amping up his worst traits.
“No idea. But his fangirls are out in force.”
True, now that he’d pointed it out, I noticed that by percentage, girls dominated the crowd hanging around out front, probably freshmen and sophomores. They bounced on the balls of their feet and monitored the parking lot like a boy band was about to roll up any minute. Shaking my head, I squeezed through and went inside. Devon came after me a few minutes later.
He found me rummaging my locker. “Lose something?”
“Only my mind.”
“Funny.”
“I can’t find my English essay. To be honest, I can’t even remember if I wrote it.” That had been happening more often lately, and I wondered if my mental acuity might be breaking down too.
“That’s not a good sign at your age. You have twenty minutes to scribble something, though. Better than a zero.”
Nodding, I went into the classroom early and got going. It wasn’t hard to dash off a couple of pages, though this was by far the messiest and least complete assignment I’d ever turned in. When the time came to pass our papers forward, I hid behind the guy in front of me and silently cringed when my work ended up on top of our row’s pile. Fortunately, the teacher collected those from the door and went toward the window, so mine got buried in the middle of the stack.
I didn’t see Wade or hear anything about him until someone stopped me in the hall, one of his friends, based on the guy’s size and letter jacket. “Wade would like to speak to you.” His tone was odd and formal.
“Okay,” I said. “Where is he?”
“I’ll go with you.” Jake came up behind me, and he didn’t put an arm around my shoulders, but he made it pretty clear that refusing him wasn’t an option.
“No problem.” The guy led us out front.
Wade stood in a circle of girls, fielding their questions with a brittle smile. Despite his size, he carried a fragile edge, as if some of his bravado had shorn away under the scalpel of self-reflection. He flinched a little when he saw me, but I didn’t react. Jake threaded our fingers together in a comforting show of solidarity.
“I’m fine,” Wade was saying as we approached. “And I need to talk privately for a minute, so why don’t you get some lunch?” He spoke kinder to his fans than I’d expected.
A gaggle of girls shot me dirty looks as they darted past. I stopped five feet away and waited to learn what this was about. Wade’s crony took off, leaving Jake and me alone with him. I expected an angry outburst, but instead, Wade lowered his eyes.
“I’m supposed to apologize,” he mumbled.
“What?”
“It’s called making amends. My therapist says that once I clear my conscience, I’ll feel better. I know I was acting weird, but to be honest, I’m not even sure why I was so obsessed with you. Anyway, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, and I’
ll stay away from you from now on.”
Not if Wedderburn has any say in it.
Now I did feel bad. Wade might be a player, but he didn’t seem like a villain. “Accepted. I’ll stay out of your way as much as I can. I’m not looking for trouble.”
“And, Jake, I’m sorry to you too, bud. What I did was disrespectful. I’ve never gone after somebody else’s girlfriend before.”
“Everybody screws up,” Jake said. “The important thing is, you’re willing to learn from it and you want to do better.”
When I turned, ready to end the conversation, I spotted like twenty people in the foyer, likely trying to eavesdrop. Sighing, I elbowed Jake. “I’m headed to the roof. I can’t deal with people today.”
“It’ll blow over when they realize nothing’s up.”
Still, guilt had me in a choke hold. Maybe Wade would come out of this a better person, more respectful of women, but I feared my intervention might have derailed his future somehow. If Wade ended up totally screwed four years from now, did that make me any better than the immortals? They wouldn’t balk at sacrificing one human to get what they wanted. Inner turmoil cracked the nerve quakes to life, and I nearly fell down.
Pale and sweaty, I hugged the wall until I got to the bathroom. For the rest of lunch, I sat on a toilet and cried, not even entirely sure why I hurt so much. And it wasn’t just the physical stuff; my soul twisted inside me until it might snap. This is what the Harbinger couldn’t watch. I miss him. I hate that I miss him. Instead of buckling down, I crept out of school and ditched afternoon classes.
I wanted to talk to Selena, but she wasn’t home. My gloved hands shook as I powered the laptop on. Guess I’ve come full circle, dying of lonely, and looking for company on the Internet. I checked the anime forum next. NamiNerd was chatting with more people in multiple threads, conversations I never had, and someone named GreenKnight had chimed in on her school post, adding to my advice. She’d responded, Okay, you guys convinced me. I’ll definitely talk to my parents. Will keep you posted.
Reading that offered some comfort, but it didn’t make the pain go away. I remembered how I thought hard at the Harbinger and he came to shut me up. Curling up in the fetal position on the couch, I focused, trying to turn longing into a tractor beam. A scrabble at the window pane made me jump up, but when I got there and raised the sash, there was only a single raven flying away. A black feather wafted in and landed on the floor. I picked it up and twirled it in my fingers, feeling less alone.
“Are you hot?” Selena asked, shutting the door behind her.
“Not really.” I closed the window. “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure, but don’t think being my priestess earns you automatic perks. I’m not wasting my energy for nothing.”
“There’s a guy at school … Wedderburn had something riding him, and it kind of drove him over the edge.”
“Extreme behavior?” she guessed.
“How did you know?”
“It’s probably Bess.”
“You know who does this kind of thing?” That alone could be invaluable.
“Sexual obsession is a specific skill set, and Bess has been known to do contract work for the winter whatsit from time to time.”
“Well, can you do anything? Maybe give me a charm or something that will help him resist that pull? It doesn’t have to be long-lasting, just over a month will do. Once I’m gone, Wedderburn will probably turn his attention elsewhere.”
“That’s easy enough,” she said. “But I need a bucket of graveyard dirt, some dust from a church, two bird bones, and a lock of virgin hair.”
My mouth fell open. “Really?”
“Idiot. No, not really. Unless you’re in the mood for a weird scavenger hunt.” She smirked at how gullible I was.
Reluctantly, I smiled back. “Pass.”
“I’ll just infuse this with some of my energy. It might make him a little more aggressive, but he won’t go off half cocked like before.” She closed her eyes and a glow suffused her palms. When it died away, she handed me the pen.
“Thanks. I’ll slip it into his backpack tomorrow.”
“No problem. As favors go, this one was simple, and anything that thwarts Subzero counts as a win for Team Sun and Moon.” Selena opened a jar of olives as she settled in front of the TV. “I’m kind of getting used to you. Pity you’ll be gone in like a day.”
“Four weeks, three days,” I mumbled.
“Close enough. Want to watch more SYTYCD? This show is magical.”
“Why not?” I ignored my buzzing phone, and this time, it stopped much sooner. This is for the best, I thought. They’ll miss me less when they accept that I’m flaky and disappearing is what I do.
Hours later, when I finally went to bed, I realized I was still clutching that stupid feather. I almost threw it away, but instead, I tucked it between the pages of one of the magazines Jake had brought when he thought I was sick. Like an idiot, I fell asleep thinking of the Harbinger.
Suddenly, I found myself in an open field, but it was no place I had ever been. The soil smelled of sulfur, and the trees were all dead and twisted. Ten ravens circled overhead, keeping formation. I didn’t see him anywhere, but I sensed him. The low-grade ache eased. I know you’re there, I said. Or rather, tried to say. No words came out because I had no mouth. My eyes went next, so the world went dark. Wind on my face, smelling of soot and decay, but I couldn’t call out or find my way back again.
Why are you here, dearling? The deadlands are not for you. His mind touched mine, filling me with familiar warmth, and my visceral terror receded.
A hard pinch jolted me awake. The clock on the microwave read 3:00 a.m., and Selena stood over me, cranky-faced. “You were squealing in your sleep like a baby pig. Stop.”
“Sorry.”
She returned to the couch, but I couldn’t relax. That was just a dream? Until dawn, I watched the window, hoping for a bad omen bird that never came. A hot shower burned away some of my yearning, and I scoured the rest away with a coarse sponge. To Selena, a month might be a day, but for me, it was starting to seem interminable. My head rattled with ball bearings yet I felt light as air too, as if my bones had gone hollow. Without my goal to tether me, I might just dissolve now.
Maybe I’ve done enough.
As I thought that, a shiver of gold sparked from my skin and it went translucent, just for a second, and I choked out a shuddering breath. No. I’m not ready yet. I’m not done. For a shivering, anguished minute, my face flickered in the mirror. Wet hair, big eyes, gaunt frame, and nothing stared back at me. Like a vampire, I had no reflection. Touching the door to prove I existed, I dug my thumbnail in my palm. The pain caused a shiver in the mirror, and then something else was looking at me. But she pointedly turned and walked away.
“Heh. Even the monster in the mirror doesn’t want my life.”
A few seconds later, my image came back, but it was weird and distorted, light streaks raying throughout my body, a bad psychedelic trip. Breathing hard, I shook the whole time I put on my clothes. One good thing about Selena, she didn’t care how long I took in the bathroom. Any other roommate would be pounding on the door by now.
I stumbled out and paged through a magazine, pretending I wasn’t a hot, microwaved mess. By seven thirty when Jake arrived to pick me up, I’d pasted myself together with grit and determination. How long that would hold, I had no idea. He helped me into the car and didn’t say much on the way to school.
Today, the driver dropped us both at the front. “No morning practice?”
“No. Coach is taking it easy on us for the rest of the year. Listen, can we talk?” His somber tone gave me the first clue.
Oh, wow. It’s time, huh?
“Sure. What’s up?” Since I’d never actually played a breakup scene, I had no idea how to react. Crying would probably be over the top, no longer than we were together.
“I’ve had fun hanging out with you, but … I don’t think it’s going to wor
k.”
“Yeah. I didn’t know how to tell you, but I’m moving at the end of the year. So I’m glad you said it first.” A smile felt wrong, so I made eye contact, surprised to find that he actually seemed a little sad to hear it.
“No shit? I’ll miss you, but … I’m not over Tanya.”
She walked up just in time to hear that and just … stopped, her eyes wide. From Jake’s satisfaction, he’d seen her coming. Well played, sir. But I didn’t want it to seem like he was breaking my heart.
So I said, “To be honest, I dreamed about my ex last night.”
“Jake…,” Tanya said in a small voice.
That was my cue; I hurried inside the school so they could make up. Damage control unlocked. After I slipped this pen-charm into Wade’s backpack, I’d call it good regarding the problems I created by enrolling at this school. If I’d learned anything at Blackbriar, it was that shit could spiral out of control so fast.
Jake came to my locker after lunch, probably for the last time. “Thanks again.”
“You guys are back together?”
“Yep. She broke up with the a-hole a week ago.”
“Aren’t you mad she believed that bullshit gossip and dumped you over it?” Technically, none of my business, but since I’d played a role in their reunion, I indulged my curiosity.
“At first. But the more I thought about it, it was actually a relief. When people know my background, sometimes it’s hard to be sure…” He trailed off, shrugging.
“Because when she thought you were a scumbag, she left. Money didn’t make her stay.”
“More or less. We can build mutual trust, but if she’d stuck around, even when she didn’t believe in me, I would’ve had to go. If that makes sense.”
“Completely.”
“And that would’ve really sucked because I do love her.” His gaze locked on Tanya coming down the hall, and I swore he glowed.
Happy endings are awesome.
“You probably shouldn’t spend too much time with your ex,” I said then.
“That’s actually why I’m here. Tanya said our table looked really fun from across the room. So she was wondering—”