She peered up at him, though not too far. Since she was six feet tall, he only had a few inches on her. Long black hair, tangled from the battle and drying after the rain, cascaded down his shoulders to his impossibly hard chest. A chest she’d fallen asleep against, safe and sated, many times. His angular face with its high cheekbones had starred in some of her wildest dreams, flushed with passion. Always would. His eyes, green as a riverbed, would haunt her until the day she died.
“I know. It’s one of the things I love about you.” Why had she said that?
His grin speared her heart.
Especially when she was about to break his.
She led him toward the bathroom. “Why don’t you get cleaned up, then I’ll bandage what hasn’t healed?” She stood to the side, twisting her hands.
Trystan’s eyes were hooded, and he had that look she hadn’t seen in a while. The one that set her on fire. “You’re not going to join me?” He took her hand, massaging her fingers with his thumb. “Today was rough.” He pulled her to him and kissed her neck. “No funny business. I promise. I just want you with me. I need you.”
Amanda sucked in a breath. “Trys, it’s been a while since...” He was testing her resolve. Why tonight of all nights did he have to want her again?
“I know. And it’s my fault. I just didn’t want to─”
“Yeah, you didn’t want to hurt me. I’m weak. I’m not stupid.”
His brow pinched. “No. That’s not what I was going to say.” He caressed her cheek, then lifted her chin. “A lot has happened in the last few months. We both needed time to come to terms with it. I didn’t want to rush you into something you weren’t ready for.”
“We’re not doing anything except getting you clean and patched up. Right?” She pulled away and entered the bathroom. She turned on the water and made sure it was nice and warm. Then she grabbed the hem of his shirt. She had to stay on task. Otherwise, she’d never be able to walk away. “Let’s get this done and get you to bed. You need your rest.”
He covered her hands, stopping her from tugging up his tattered shirt. “Manda, I─”
“Don’t.”
She brushed his fingers away and gently pulled the shirt over his head. She didn’t need to hear yet again that she was delicate and weak.
He sighed but didn’t stop her. Amanda stepped back and he pulled off his boots and jeans, revealing a solid ass that begged for her hands. She tried to ignore his raging erection.
Stepping into the shower, he glanced over his shoulder. “Coming?”
She nodded and disrobed. The air chilled her, a sharp contrast to the heat building within. She felt like covering herself back up. He’d explored every part of her, but it was different now.
Things had changed. Amanda had changed. Broken.
She reached for the clothes she’d just discarded, and he clasped her hand.
“Don’t run from me. Not now.”
Their eyes met, and she nearly collapsed under the weight of what filled his gaze. Love? Maybe. Certainly a lot of affection.
Amanda couldn’t resist him. If he wanted her, she’d give herself to him. One last taste before she let him go. Before she released him so he could be happy.
She climbed in, shutting the glass door behind her. He pulled her close, and she rested her cheek on his chest. The warm water shrouded them in heat. Blood ran down his body and swirled around the drain. Like their hearts were washing away with the remnants of battle.
One last time.
Then she’d rip out what was left of her heart and let go of the dream of having her mate.
TRYSTAN HELD AMANDA tightly, not caring about aggravating his still healing wounds.
Something was wrong with his mate.
Of course he knew she was his. How could he not? She was the only one who’d ever created this storm within him. The only female he fully trusted. The only one he’d ever loved with all he had. He also knew he could never claim her.
He’d never give himself completely to a female. He couldn’t. Ciarra had understood. Though he’d loved her, it was nothing like his love for Amanda.
Sure, there had even been a melody between them. But it wasn’t because she was his. Love had its own song. Even those who weren’t destined mates could hear it if they were close enough. Could even mate and be happy.
But they’d been more friends than lovers. Often they lay in bed together, not touching, just talking. Mostly about Amanda and his feelings for her, and the reasons why he couldn’t claim her. His bloodline made certain of that. A curse he wasn’t able to reveal to Amanda. He wasn’t equipped to handle her rejection. Which is exactly what he’d get if she knew.
“Turn around.” Amanda’s husky voice broke into his self-pity.
He obeyed her command. He’d do anything she wanted him to.
Except claim her.
Trystan bit back a groan. A shiver raced down his spine. Her sweet scent had his senses reeling. Her touch drove him mad. He gritted his teeth and propped his hands on the granite wall. She gently washed his back before turning him.
He’d promised he’d behave. His wolf grumbled and groused.
A deep red flush crept from her full, heavy, gorgeous breasts to her perfect face. He didn’t even try to stop his gaze from roaming down her muscular, dangerously curvy body.
She handed him the washcloth. “I’ll let you get the rest.” She refused to meet his gaze.
“Manda.”
Their eyes met. His heart melted at the tears gathered in those deep brown depths. Something was definitely wrong.
Trystan took the cloth and slung it over the faucet. He gathered her in his arms. “Mo stor, what is it?” He kissed the tip of her nose.
“I told you, it’s nothing.” She tried to wriggle out of his hold.
He slid his hands up to cup her cheeks. “Then why are you about to cry?”
He knew, though, didn’t he? It was because he’d refused to even speak of the fact they were mates, let alone claim her. He’d tried to show her how much he treasured her, how much he loved her, without actually saying the words. Without giving her the mark she deserved.
The pain he’d caused glittered in her eyes and gouged into his heart.
When they were together, loving each other, every time he was deep inside her, it felt so right. Like they were the only two beings in the universe. It was perfection.
Yet with all he’d given her, he hadn’t given her the one thing she truly needed.
As her hands roamed his chest, down to his abdomen, outlining every ridge, his gut twisted with how much he’d missed her touch. Maybe that was the problem. Trystan hadn’t given her that physical affection she craved.
He slid his hands to her hips, tugging her into his hardness. She gasped and gripped his shoulders. His body jerked as her soft skin brushed his. He could give her what they both needed. But he was so much stronger than her now. She was still the same fierce warrior inside, but outside, she had less strength than some humans. He could be gentle, though. Anything for her.
Amanda pried her hands from his skin. She gave him a wobbly smile and stepped away. “I’m not about to cry. I’m fine. Really.” She slipped out of the stall and coldness swept over him.
He wanted her warmth back. But he let her have a few minutes to get herself together, not wanting to overwhelm her.
While Trystan finished his shower, the truth hit him. She was pulling away from him.
She’d had enough of hanging in limbo with no explanation. An explanation he couldn’t give. As soon as he did, she’d cut him out completely. He couldn’t live without her touch. Without her by his side, at least in some capacity.
If only he could let her know he wanted to claim her, but couldn’t. Maybe she’d stay.
If they bonded, it would be the beginning of the end. It would change him. The blood in his veins would take something beautiful and twist it, twist him, into something ugly. Cruel.
Trystan would die before he’d hur
t her.
He stepped out of the shower and his heart lurched. The bathroom was empty, and her clothes were gone. He ran into the bedroom, not caring that he dripped all over the floor. He didn’t breathe until he saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, her face downcast, and her long fingers twisting in her lap.
Trystan’s stomach clenched. He had to fix this. Had to hang on to her. It was selfish, but they were happy together, weren’t they? As happy as they could be without the bond. He wouldn’t lose that. Wouldn’t lose what he could have of her. He’d do whatever it took to keep her and still protect her.
Trystan walked naked to her, the cool room chilling his wet skin. He knelt on the floor between her legs and rested his hands on her thighs. She continued twisting her fingers. He kissed her chin until she met his eyes.
“Manda, talk to me.”
She shook her head but didn’t move away from him. She half smiled. “You’re all wet.” Again she avoided his gaze. “Seriously, it’s nothing. Just wish things could get back to normal.”
“Eh, I’m almost dry now.” He nuzzled her jaw.
He’d show her they belonged together. Whatever that looked like. Show her his feelings for her hadn’t changed because of her condition. It was all he could do. He couldn’t lose her.
Amanda’s hands landed on his shoulders, digging in as he worked his way down her neck with his lips. “Trys, maybe we shouldn’t─”
“Shh. No talking. Just let me love you.” He kissed a path to the hollow of her throat, then farther down, caressing the curve of her breast peeking out of the neckline of her low-cut T-shirt.
She pushed him back. The look in her eyes cut into him. Fear. Sorrow. Pain. The exact opposite of the things he wanted her to feel. She swallowed hard. “Do you?”
He tilted his head. “Do I what?” His heart galloped.
Amanda took a deep breath. “Do you love me?” And there it was.
If he said no, she’d walk out of this room and never come back. It would be a lie anyway.
Trystan prided himself on his courage. His honor. Right now though, he was terrified of saying anything. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, what she deserved. But losing her wasn’t an option. He could give her the words and hope it would be enough.
Trystan took her face in both hands and scooted in until he was pressed against her. “Of course I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
Amanda bit her luscious lip, probably holding back the next question he’d known was coming. All he could hope was she wouldn’t let it out. He’d given all he could.
“You know I love you too, right? No matter what.” Her quiet voice trembled.
“Yeah. I know.” He smiled.
Bullet dodged. Once again. He hoped.
Trystan took her lips, silencing anything else she might say. She hesitated for a moment, then met him with so much passion it took his breath. Her hands slid over his shoulders and up his neck, tangling in his hair. His own hands trailed down her back, and he pressed her to him.
It wasn’t close enough.
He scooted her up the bed until her raven hair spread over his pillow, kissing her the entire time. He settled between her legs and reached for the bottom of her shirt. She raised her arms, allowing him to tug off the offending garment and toss it away. Her creamy breasts beckoned him. So soft. So perfect. He kissed a path around each one before finding his way to the nipples he loved to lavish with attention.
Amanda held his head to her chest. Her jean-covered center rubbed against his aching dick. Those jeans had to go. They were keeping him from where he wanted to be.
He popped the button and kissed a line down her flat belly as he lowered the zipper. He pulled the denim from her long legs along with her panties and threw them behind him. He returned to his previous position. They both groaned at the delicious and torturous contact. Trystan ground himself against her as he kissed every inch of flesh above her waist before situating himself lower.
His massive shoulders held her thighs wide as he blew on her hot flesh. Her hips bucked and she let out a strangled sound.
“Trys.” The word filled with a plea, and that deep sense of unworthiness and inadequacy that seemed to surround her lately.
“You’re beautiful. Perfect. Just the way you are.”
He had to let her know that whether she was wolf or not, whether she had magic or not, she was amazing. And nothing could make him feel differently about her.
She opened her mouth, probably to argue. He silenced her with a well-placed lick. A moan replaced her words. With slow precision, he worked her over until her legs were shaking and she thrashed beneath him. Gorging himself on her taste, his favorite in the world.
“Trys, please. Now.”
Trystan entered her carefully. His body shook with the effort to hold back. Slowly, he worked his way in. When he was buried deep, she gasped and sank her fingernails into his back.
He stilled. Gentle. He needed to be gentle. Still, he couldn’t treat her like fragile glass, or she’d have his head. He rested his weight on his elbows and kissed her softly. Pouring everything he felt into that kiss. He began to move, so slowly.
Amanda wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him close, growling. He sped up. A little harder. Deeper. Sweat dotted his brow. She deserved soft and sweet. She deserved to feel his love for her. Not be pounded into the mattress because he couldn’t control himself.
“Let go.” Her whispered words strained his already teetering control.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” The admission slipped from his lips before he could stop it.
Fire lit her eyes. She kicked his back with her heels and dug those nails deeper. The bite of pain only charged him. “Give me all of you!”
Tension thickened the air. They both knew she meant more than just what they were doing in this moment.
But the moment was all he had to give her.
Dammit, then he’d give her everything he could.
The tether that held him back snapped. Trystan looked deep into her eyes, trying to gauge how much she could take.
She arched beneath him. “I want it all. If this is gonna be the─”
He thrust hard. He wasn’t letting her finish that sentence. Wouldn’t let her make this the last time. Didn’t even want her to think it.
As she clung to him, as he kissed her senseless and drove deep, claiming her in the only way he could, the air changed around them. The end pressed in, even as they loved each other.
Harder. Faster. Determination rose within him. He’d imprint himself on her soul. Show her how good they were together. How much they could have even without the mating bond.
Trystan rolled them until he was on his back, then sat up so he could hold her close. He held her eyes with his as they moved together. Perfectly in sync. An agonizing, beautiful reminder she had been made for him, and he’d been created for her. Amanda’s glistening eyes said she felt the same. They also told him something else.
Goodbye.
His wolf howled within him. He gave her everything, pulling her down onto him with a force that shook the bed. This couldn’t be the end. But she deserved so much more. Deserved to have that amazing bond with someone that tied them together for eternity. Something he could never give her.
Even the thought of her looking at someone else, let alone being this close to them, drove him to the point of madness. Now he knew how she must have felt when he’d chased after other females for a while, trying to deny what he felt for her. Trying to deny the terrifying, unstoppable pull. For the first time, he understood. Knew a bit of her pain. Pain he’d caused.
That was the last thing he’d wanted to do. Yet he’d continue to hurt her every day he didn’t claim her. Which was worse? Having a part of your mate and knowing you’d never have all of them? Or not having anything of them at all?
“Trys, I’ll always love you.” Her whispered words severed his heart in two.
She was making the decision for him.
Bastard he was, he wanted to fight it. Wanted to have whatever piece of her he could. He could tell her why, but it wouldn’t change anything. One way or another, she’d walk away. All he could do was have this last taste of her, then let her go. Let her be happy. He’d have to live with it. If she could find true happiness, it’d make it all worth it.
She was all that mattered.
Trystan’s next words came out on a tortured groan. “I’ll love you until the day I die and beyond. Airson siorraidheachd.”
Amanda’s tears cascaded down his shoulder as he held her to him, refusing to break their connection. Just a few more moments. One more deep inhale of her delicious scent of wild berries and summer rain. Trystan’s own pain flowed out of his eyes, the drops lost in her luxurious hair. Hair he’d never again run his fingers through. That would never again be wrapped around his fist as he loved her hard.
They sat twined together for a long while. He had to be the one to break the connection. He’d save her the agony. Then he’d give her the opportunity to slip away without having to say the words they both already felt in her heart.
Trystan took Amanda’s face in his hands. “Never forget I love you more than life.”
She nodded, eyes red and puffy. “I won’t. Don’t you forget either.”
“Never.”
Then he took her lips one more time. Those soft, full, slightly red lips that had brought him so much pleasure, whether with her radiant smile or the things she could do with them. The kiss was gentle at first, gradually increasing in strength. In desperation. In longing that would after this moment go unfulfilled.
Finally, Trystan drew back. He kissed each cheek, then her nose. “I’ll be right back.”
He lifted her off of him and laid her gently on the bed. He ran his hand through her locks one more time, inhaling her aroma. Stamping it on his soul. A kiss to her forehead. A squeeze of her hand that she returned. One last loving look in her eyes. Then he rose from the bed and headed to the bathroom.
The door snicked shut, and he leaned against it. His wolf howled, the sound reverberating and making his head ache. The animal ripped his claws down Trystan’s insides. Yet he stood still and just listened.
Awakened Page 3