Black thoughts continued to infect her mind while she clung to his hand. Mariah brought her a stool. Amanda mumbled a thank you and continued her vigil. She had no idea how long she sat there, vacillating between happiness and agony.
Eventually, Bowen came to check on them. Calming orange light emitted from his hands as they hovered above Trystan’s prone body. Bowen’s brow furrowed. “His physical healing is progressing at a normal pace, but I have no idea when he will wake up. It is not unusual for victims of such powerful spells to remain in a sort of stasis as their own magic adapts to or destroys the invading power.”
Amanda’s wolf would’ve growled at Trystan being called a victim. It was the simple things she missed. “Do you really believe he’ll recover?”
Bowen rested a soothing hand on her shoulder. “It’s hard to say. My heart wants to say aye with certainty. But...”
“I understand.” She lifted her eyes. “Thank you for trying. And for letting me know he hadn’t─” Amanda stopped short, unable to say the word.
He kissed her cheek. “Anything for you, lass.” There was an affection in his voice that warmed her in a way not much had lately. His very presence was like a balm trying to soothe her fractured heart.
But nothing could ease the biting pain in her soul.
“Is it okay if I stay─”
“Can a wolf get some water around here?” Both of their heads snapped toward the bed. Trystan’s raspy, beautiful voice continued. “I mean, I did just get fried like a piece of catfish.”
Fresh tears cascaded down Amanda’s cheeks. Bowen’s mouth fell open before he jerked to attention and crossed to the small fridge to get a couple water bottles. Rushing back, he helped Trystan sit up before handing him the drink. Amanda sat frozen, clinging to his other hand.
Trystan emptied the bottle, then reached for the other and chugged it down as well.
Bowen took it from him. “Easy.”
Trystan nodded and then winced. “Thank you.”
The words were meant for Bowen, but Trystan’s gaze landed on Amanda. The softness that was always in his eyes when he looked at her warmed her heart and chilled it at the same time.
She looked away, not wanting to see the love she could never have shining on his battered face.
“You came back,” he whispered.
Amanda nodded. She dropped his hand and pulled hers into her lap. She twisted them and cast her glance around the quiet room where several other warriors still recuperated.
“I didn’t─I mean, Bowen told me you’d─” Amanda examined her bare feet. She’d forgotten shoes in her hurry. She peeked at him out of the corner of her eye.
He grinned, then winced again as the ugly yet healing gash on one cheek and the burn on the other pulled. “Thank you. When you left, I thought...” he trailed off into a cough. “I’m glad you’re back.”
Even if she could speak, she had no idea what to say to him. He was back, and she was overjoyed. But it only made the agony in her soul worse.
She stood quickly and knocked the stool over in the process. Righting it, she turned to Bowen. “Thank you again.” She glanced at Trystan but didn’t meet his eyes. “I’m glad you’re not dead.” Laughing at herself, she clasped a hand over her mouth to hold in a sob. “Be well, Trys.” Then she whirled and lunged for the door.
“Amanda, wait.”
She paused with her hand on the doorknob. Without turning around, she asked, “What?”
“Stay. Please.” He coughed and took another drink. “I’m sure Bowen will make me hang here for a while. I’d really like some company.” He hesitated, and she almost turned around, feeling his indecision and hope. When he spoke again, his words were quiet. “When I thought I was dying, all I wanted was you. Stay. Let me look at you. Just for a little while.”
Bowen cleared his throat and stepped away to check on his other patients.
Amanda closed her eyes. Fighting tears and so many emotions she couldn’t name them all, she took two steps toward him. “Trys, I’m happy you’re okay. But I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and act like everything’s normal.” He’d given her raw honesty and deserved the same.
Hurt flickered in his eyes. “I’m not asking you to do that. I just need to know you’re real. That I’m here and you’re here and everything is gonna be all right.”
Her breath hitched. “It’s not all right. Not between us. It never will be. You need to accept that and move on. Starting now.” She drew back her shoulders. She’d have the strength for both of them. “You’ve got another chance. Use it. Forget about me. Live your life like I’m not here, like I don’t exist.” She took a deep breath. “Because for you, I don’t anymore.”
Amanda turned and walked out before she lost her courage.
She made a bee line for the woods. She may not be able to run in her wolf form, but the smell of the bayou, the trees and the wildlife, all still soothed her. As much as she could be soothed. Her hope of being alone to lick her wounds was dashed as she ran into Makenna, who’d just emerged from the trees.
Makenna blocked her path. A determined look graced her face as she reached for Amanda’s hand. Amanda pulled it back, crossing her arms. She wasn’t in the mood for bonding.
Makenna flinched, but quickly hid her disappointment. “I saw you coming from the infirmary. How is Trystan?”
Amanda looked everywhere but her sister. “Awake. Healing.”
“That’s great.” Makenna leaned to the side to try and catch Amanda’s gaze, which Amanda deftly avoided. Makenna sighed. “Look, I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I thought we were getting closer. You know you can talk to me, right?”
Amanda shook her head. “There’s nothing you can do. But thanks.” She finally looked at Makenna, keeping her face blank. “I’ll be fine. Just have to get used to my new reality.” She shouldered around Makenna, headed for the woods.
“Amanda, wait. You don’t have to do this alone. We’ll find─”
“I want to be alone right now.” She took off running, ignoring Makenna’s call.
She wanted to mourn. Then maybe she could move on. Figure out what to do with her life now that she was nothing. Did a nothing even have a real life? Other than cooking for the pack, what could she do? She couldn’t fight. Couldn’t shift. Couldn’t throw magic.
Trystan was alive, but he had to remain dead to her. It was too painful, too hard. Simply being in his presence was too much. It was a constant reminder of what could have been. What should have been.
What had ever made her think that pieces of him would be enough? That she could make love to him, be his friend, constantly be at his side, and it wouldn’t kill her slowly? She’d been crazy to think that would work.
Amanda plopped on a stump, not even caring her ass got wet from the moss.
She’d been reduced to roaming the swamp as a mere human, with a broken heart and no hope of having anything she once cherished. Even her family. She was different now. Yeah, Makenna had lived as a human, but she’d still been stronger, faster. She’d never known what it was like to truly be human. And Talon, he was the leader of a fierce army. A powerful warrior.
Nothing would ever be the same between them.
For hours Amanda wandered. She ambled all the way to the perimeter, nodding at the guards as she turned back. In the end, she was no closer to answers than she’d been earlier. Shoulders sagging, she made her way toward the camp. As she emerged from the forest, Rhys planted himself in front of her. She steeled herself for yet another plea for her to talk and faced her Alpha with her chin high.
A ghost of a smile lifted Rhys’ lips. “I see some things haven’t changed. Defiant as ever.”
It would have struck her as odd that an Alpha admired defiance, but Rhys was different. He didn’t want mindless cattle who followed orders without question. He wanted warriors who thought for themselves.
Not that it mattered, since she was no longer a warrior.
“I’m tired,
Rhys. And I really don’t want to talk.” She kept his gaze, hoping he could see and feel her determination.
“Good, because I don’t want you to talk. I want you to listen.” His smile fell away as he crossed his arms and widened his stance. “I’m pretty sure you already know we’re all aware you and Trystan are mates. I know it had to be hard earlier, thinking he died. Something like that stays with you. It did for me when I almost lost Kenna.” A shadow passed over his eyes.
Part of her wanted to ask what was going on with them. Their distance was apparent. But again, she couldn’t pry into others’ business when she wasn’t willing to share her own.
“Yeah, it was rough. But I’m over it.” She brushed a wayward hair from her face. “We’ll never claim each other, so...yeah. Whatever it was is over. I’m glad he’s alive, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to keep trailing after him like a sad little pup. We’re done.”
Rhys’ brow quirked. “That’s between you two. I just don’t want you letting the pain fester. You’ve been one of my closest friends and advisers for years, Amanda. I don’t like seeing you hurt. But this isn’t just about Trystan.” He grabbed her shoulders. “You feel like you don’t have a place. That’s not true.” When she avoided his gaze, he shook her gently until she lifted her eyes to his. “You have a keen mind and a knack for strategy. We need you. Regardless of the situation with your magic and your wolf. You’re pack and always will be.”
Tears flooded Amanda’s eyes, but she was done crying. She brushed them away with the back of her hand. “All right. I won’t let it get to me. ”
Rhys smirked. “Lies don’t look good on you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I’ll try.”
He cupped her face. “I swear to you, we’ll find Brianna and break this spell. We’ll get your magic back. You just have to be patient.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You can’t promise that. Even if we find her, even if she talks, she may not be able to reverse this.” Amanda shook her head. “Face it, Rhys. I may never be what I was.”
“Maybe not. But I choose to have faith. If it doesn’t happen, well, like I said. You’ll always have a place here, regardless.”
He pulled her into a hug and she sank into the warmth of her friend’s embrace. She was glad at least one member of the pack wasn’t giving her platitudes to lift her spirits. Rhys simply gave her some truths, or what he thought were truths, to chew on, and let her know he was there.
Rhys released her. His face now hard, all Alpha. “I’ll expect you at the meeting in the morning. We need to figure out our next move against Kylian.”
Amanda nodded. “I’ll be there."
Even though she didn’t want to. She’d be there for him.
Rhys moved toward the training field. As he did, Amanda spied Trystan over his shoulder. He stood outside the infirmary, watching them closely.
Hurt and anger shrouded his face. Amanda flinched and stepped forward to go to him out of instinct. To comfort him. Everything in her wanted to soothe the pain from her mate’s face. Wanted to hold him and tell him they’d work through it.
But she couldn’t.
Rhys glanced at her. “If you’ve made your choice, stick to it. You’ll only hurt both of you more if you keep going to him.”
Amanda nodded as Rhys took off. She caught Trystan’s eye once more.
Then letting all expression slip from her face, she turned away and walked toward the main house.
Ignoring the pain and rage burning her back from the man she could never have again.
CHAPTER TEN
Hear Me Now
“Will you spring me from here already?”
Trystan knew Bowen was trying to make sure he was fully recovered. But he had things to do. Like hunting down Amanda and talking some sense into her stubborn head.
“I would like to monitor you for a while, track the magic in your blood.” Bowen sighed. “But I can see you will not be cooperative.” He ran a hand through his hair, then waved it toward the door. “Go. Will you at least refrain from any strenuous activity for a day or so? Let your wounds have time to fully heal?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
Trystan rose from the bed and reached for his pants. He winced as he pulled the fresh clothes over his still-healing wounds. He glared at Bowen as the mage smirked. Trystan ignored the pain. He’d been through worse. Well, not really. But nothing would stop him from going to Amanda.
He’d thought he could let her go. Let what they had end. But it would never end. The craving for her, the need for her touch, wouldn’t go away. Now that he’d almost died, he saw everything more clearly. He just had to get her to fight for them as hard as he was willing to.
Trystan walked stiffly toward the door, working out his muscles. He twisted his neck from side to side as he stepped out into the sun. Strange. It was just after lunchtime, yet it seemed like this day had lasted for years. Already they’d fought a fierce battle and he’d nearly died.
Then the love of his life had walked away from him not once, but twice.
Hell of a fucking day.
He was determined to see it ended better than it had begun.
He took in the sights around him as he stretched, loosening the kinks. Talon led a group of warriors as they sparred. Dalton waved his hands and yelled at a group of adolescents learning to use their magic. The targets several yards away were mostly untouched, but the tall grass around them burned brightly. Trystan couldn’t help a smile as smoke rose toward the sky. He remembered when that was him: setting fire to anything besides his target.
He shook his head as he walked behind the infirmary. Following Amanda’s now faint scent, he rounded the building and headed toward the forest. Then he stopped cold. Amanda and Rhys were deep in conversation. So she’d talk to Rhys but not him?
As he was attempting to shake off the anger, Rhys embraced Amanda. She curled her arms around the Alpha and sank into his hug like it was all she’d needed. Her face took on a serenity Trystan hadn’t seen in a while. Not even the other night as he made love to her.
Rage curdled in his already-queasy stomach. He knew there had never been anything between Rhys and Amanda. They were just friends, in-laws now, and would never be anything more. It didn’t stop the wave of jealousy and fury barreling into him like a raging hurricane.
He should be the one holding her. The one putting a look of peace on her beautiful face.
Rhys said a few more words, and then turned to go. Trystan caught Amanda’s gaze. A mixture of worry, grief, and pain swam in those brown pools, and she stepped toward him. His heart raced, anger fading at the hope she would come back to him. Then she stopped. Rhys said something else before walking away and she nodded, her gaze never leaving Trystan’s.
Amanda shuttered her emotions and turned her back on him. Once again leaving him standing alone as she shut down any hope he might have had.
Fury coursed through his blood. How could it be so easy for her to deny what they had? He was torn up inside, yet she seemed almost unaffected. She’d had no problem saying those cruel words to him. While he’d been wanting to fight for them, she’d dealt the killing blow.
Trystan’s heart rate skyrocketed as heat continued to build in his gut, stretching and flexing as his pain morphed into something new. Something vicious.
She deserved better than him. And yes, he was terrified of what would happen if he claimed her. But he’d started to believe maybe he was strong enough to overcome the curse. That with her, it could be different. Reality punched him in the gut as a beast yawned awake within. Coalescing with his rage and agony, it gained strength.
The curse. Drawn from the depths by the love and pain churning in his blood for his mate. Given power by the rage boiling his veins because of what she’d done and said.
He’d wanted to tell her the truth, then give her the chance to make an informed decision. If she walked away then, he might have been able to handle it. He’d always expected her to leave him once she knew. But
this? Her spitting on everything they were instead of asking him why? Walking away from him when he was on death’s door?
That burned worse than the wounds he’d nearly died from.
“It’s not because of you.” Makenna’s voice had him turning to face her as she joined him.
Trystan took deep breaths to calm himself. “She purposely hurt me and then turned her back on me. How could that not be about me?”
Makenna sighed. “She was okay with the way things were between you two until Brianna’s spell hit her.” He raised an eyebrow, and she snorted. “Maybe she wasn’t okay with it, but she could deal with it to keep as much of you as she could. Now? She believes she doesn’t belong here. That she’s not a real wolf anymore. She doesn’t want you to bond with her when she can’t be everything you need.”
“She told you this?” Hope tried to flare, but he shoved it down. He couldn’t afford to be cut in two again.
Makenna kicked at the dirt with the toe of her boot and watched the teenagers throwing magic. “No. She won’t talk to me. I’m just going by what I feel from her. When I can feel anything from her. Lately, she’s been kinda numb.”
Trystan smirked. “Yeah, well, she’s talking to Rhys. Why would she share with him and not her sister? Hell, why wouldn’t she talk to me? I’m her fucking mate!”
Makenna punched his shoulder. Hard. “You’re a fucking dumb ass. You sleep with her, but won’t claim her, screw around on her, keep her hanging for what I’ve been told is years, and you expected her to come to you?” Makenna looked at him like he’d been hit on the head too many times.
She was right, but Trystan couldn’t let go of his rage. Most of which was directed at himself.
“She could’ve talked to me! Shit, I’ve always been there for her. Never once have I turned her away when she needed me.” He paced a small arc, yanking at his hair. “But no, she goes to Rhys instead of trying to work it out with me.” He distanced himself from Makenna, knowing he was gonna blow any second.
Makenna shook her head. “Getting all riled up ain’t helping.” She let out a long breath. “Her and Rhys have been friends for years. She just met me a few months ago. And even though she should be able to talk to you, you gotta admit that sometimes it’s harder to be totally honest with the ones closest to us.”
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