by M. A. Innes
Sebastian stilled as Mark finished stumbling through his question. It was probably Mark’s imagination but Sebastian was so still there was a moment when he wasn’t sure he was breathing. Sebastian finally took a deep breath and looked at Mark.
“I’ve thought about that a lot. Especially over the last couple of weeks.” Sebastian had a weak smile but it seemed more of an expression of worry than anything pleasant. “I just can’t see myself with anyone long-term that isn’t involved in some way with the lifestyle.”
“What do you mean ‘in some way’?” In for a penny in for a pound, as his mother said.
“Well, there are lots of ways people live in this kind of lifestyle. No two relationships are ever alike even if there are some common similarities across the lifestyle. What one couple does will be very different than what another couple does. I would be willing to try to adjust my image of how a relationship would work to accommodate my partner. Just as I hope who ever I date would be open to at least exploring the things that I like.”
Part of Mark was screaming to ask the obvious question. What did Sebastian like? He knew he wasn’t ready for the answer yet. From what he’d seen on the website, there were a lot of ways that question could be answered and no matter how Sebastian answered Mark knew he wasn’t ready.
“It’s just hard to know if someone you’re interested in would be willing to consider exploring an alternative lifestyle. I can’t really go up to someone that I like and say ‘Hi, would you like to go out to dinner and by the way how do you feel about diapers?’”
Mark must have swallowed something wrong because for a moment he couldn’t breathe. Coughing, it took several minutes before he could catch his breath. When he finally could breathe again he thought he had to have heard Sebastian wrong. He couldn’t have said what Mark thought he’d said. Could he?
“Diapers?” He really hadn’t meant to ask that but now that the question was out there he held his breath waiting for Sebastian’s response.
Sebastian was looking at him like he was trying to figure out how to answer a crazy person. Do you tell the crazy person the truth? Or do you tell them what you think they want to hear?
Mark wasn’t stupid. He’d noticed the diapers on the website right away. They’d been a little hard to miss. He just hadn’t expected the word to come out of Sebastian’s mouth. Especially in such a matter of fact way. No beating around the bush with Sebastian.
Sebastian must have decided that telling the crazy person the truth was the best idea because he looked Mark in the eye and answered very seriously.
“I know it’s not something that most people would consider as part of a more traditional relationship but I like caring for my partners. That’s always been an important part of all my relationships in one way or another.” He paused and Mark thought that he was trying to figure out the right way to put it.
Finally finding the words, he continued. “For me, that need to care for my partner extends beyond the more traditional ways of caring for someone. I’m not just showing that need to care by making their lunch or holding them when they’re sad. I want to care for them in the most basic ways I can. Taking care of their most basic needs and tending to them, if you will.”
With an intense, curious look on his face, Sebastian stepped closer, his large frame dwarfing Mark, making him look even taller than his already six foot plus height. “What do you think?”
Sexy, overwhelming, sweet, touching, frightening, and weird was what he thought, but all he could manage with Sebastian standing so close was a nod. Trying to swallow past the lump in his throat, Mark finally managed a hesitant smile.
Not knowing what to say or even how to process everything that was going through his head, Mark just nodded again and tried for any kind of response. He could tell that Sebastian was getting worried and he didn’t want him to think that there was anything wrong. “I think it’s sweet and when you put it that way it makes sense.”
“Makes enough sense to go out?”
What? Go out where? With him? As in a date? “Like go out go out?” Sebastian couldn’t mean what Mark thought he did.
Sebastian just laughed. “Yes go out go out. As in dinner or a walk downtown. As in a date.”
“Yes.” His mouth responded before his brain could catch up. Shit, what did he agree to? “No restaurant, though.” That would really not work. Neither would a movie or most traditional first date activities. It was one of the reasons why he didn’t even try to date.
“How does dinner here tomorrow night sound then? We can have a casual dinner and watch a movie or something.”
That was probably manageable. He would just have to be careful. “Okay, what time?”
Walking out the door a few minutes later Mark couldn’t believe he had a date for six o’clock the next evening. His first date with a man and with someone who might possibly understand. His first date, period.
Chapter 5
He was so glad he hadn’t given Mark any time to back out on their dinner. Asking Mark out for the next day seemed a little bit risky, and a little bit rude when he’d thought about it later. However, as nervous as he’d been in the nursery, Sebastian hadn’t wanted to give him any room to wiggle out of the date.
As it turned out, it was the right call. Saturday afternoon, Mark had called and left a vague voicemail about needing a call back. However, by the time Sebastian could return his call, it had been too late to back out.
And he was going to try to back out because when Sebastian called back not long before their date Mark had made all kinds of noises and excuses but he didn’t have any real reason for the call. Thank goodness his manners were too good to stand Sebastian up at the last minute.
His poor boy was so nervous that he’d been pulling at his sweater since he’d arrived. It seemed to be a nervous habit that Mark wasn’t even aware of. He was constantly tugging on the hem and pushing up the sleeves on the oversized garment. Those baggy sweaters. He smiled when he turned his back on Mark checking the pasta on the stove.
Mark was so tiny that the baggy oversized clothes that he wore just made him look even smaller. Not that Sebastian minded at all. Yes, he was drawn to their connection and to Mark himself but the cute, tiny little package that Mark was wrapped up in really just did it for him.
The fact that to Sebastian he sometimes looked like a boy playing dress up didn’t factor into it at all. Nope not at all. And if he sometimes pictured what might be under those baggy clothes he would just ignore it for now.
“Dinner’s almost done. Thanks for being patient. I had planned on leaving the packing store in plenty of time to make dinner but one thing after another kept coming up.”
The Mailspot usually ran very well but lately, things had been off over there. He wasn’t sure what was going on but dealing with the issues there had made him late getting home.
“Is everything all right at the store?”
“Yeah, I think so. Jennifer just seems very distracted lately. I’m not sure what the problem is but it’s creating havoc at the store.”
“Something seemed off with her the last time I was in there. Have you tried talking with her?”
“Not yet, but I’m going to have to. I just didn’t want to put more pressure on her or seem like I was being too nosy. Okay, no more work talk. I’d rather get to know you more.”
Sitting at the table, Mark blushed and looked down at his phone. Sebastian thought it had to be another nervous habit because he never unlocked the phone or did anything with it. He just looked at the time and then set the phone down again.
Sebastian finished the pasta and started plating everything up. Giving Mark little chores to do around the kitchen seemed to help with his nervousness. He also hoped that it made Mark feel more at home.
If it also gave him a bit of a kick to ask Mark to set the table or pour the drinks, like he might possibly do if Mark were his boy, he was just going to ignore it. And if he was fighting the urge to picture Mark dressed up as h
is boy while they were getting ready for dinner he was going to ignore that too. Mark didn’t seem to mind the chores even though every once and a while he would pause before helping with whatever Sebastian had asked.
Sebastian couldn’t tell what Mark thought about it all. What did he think of the way Sebastian talked to him sometimes? He didn’t always consider how something he said would come out. He just reacted and something about Mark just made Sebastian fall right into “daddy mode” every time they spoke lately.
He hoped that it wasn’t making Mark uncomfortable but it was hard to tell. He knew that Mark wasn’t as unaffected by the idea as he seemed. The pause when Sebastian would give him instructions or the blush when he caught Mark staring at him let Sebastian know that there was more going on in his head than he was ready to admit.
He really just wished that he could read Mark better. He knew that would come with time, but for now, he didn’t like having so many unanswered questions. What did he think of the nursery? The diapers? The fact that Sebastian had been married to a woman before?
The fact that Mark was still on the date and seemed to be considering everything without making snap decisions was a good sign. He thought.
To keep things casual, Sebastian thought eating in the kitchen was probably a better idea. He did not want anything about tonight to make Mark uncomfortable and something about having dinner out made Mark very uncomfortable. So, to be safe he would save the dining room for a more formal night just in case it was the idea of a more formal setting that made Mark uneasy.
The kitchen was done in an old farmhouse style that Ally had loved. It was open plan without being overly expansive and in the middle instead of an island, she’d wanted a square wood plank table. A little bit taller than a normal table, it was perfect for the kitchen.
And the perfect place for a daddy to sit next to his little and have dinner. Not tonight, but maybe someday they would have dinner as Daddy and Boy. Even now, the table made Mark look even smaller and younger somehow. Okay, maybe the kitchen table wasn’t a good idea, he thought, trying to discreetly adjust himself.
Bringing the plates to the table, he was glad that it wasn’t big enough for Mark to sit too far away. He had the feeling that Mark was still considering his escape plans. Dinner was surprisingly relaxing and nice. He’d been alone so long that he’d forgotten how wonderful it was just to have someone to talk to at dinner.
The pasta turned out wonderful and they talked and teased throughout dinner. They’d known each other for years but it seemed like they were finally really getting to know one another. Mark had a thousand stories of his mother’s antics and Sebastian had loved hearing every one of them.
When he talked, Mark seemed to forget his nervousness and just unwound. The nervous tugs on his sweater and playing with his phone were long forgotten as they relaxed and ate. Those stolen moments when Mark would forget everything else and just react to Sebastian gave him hope that the infatuation wasn’t one sided.
Mark was still as hard to read as ever. But when their legs would brush under the table or their hands would touch, he would blush and shift in his seat. They were little things but it was just enough to push away Sebastian’s fears. The infatuation was definitely not one sided.
Was it going to be enough push through Mark’s reservations about the lifestyle that Sebastian wanted, though?
By the time dinner was over Mark’s blushes were getting hotter and the touches longer. Hands lingered and Mark no longer immediately moved his knee away when they touched. He wasn’t going to rush him, but Sebastian was not going to hide how he felt from Mark.
Taking Mark’s hand, Sebastian helped him up from the table. If he had to push back his desire to “daddy” Mark a bit, he would simply ignore it like he had everything else that wasn’t appropriate yet. The problem was that it all just felt too right. Tending to Mark and that innate need to look after him was so natural. He didn’t know why it had taken him this long to see it.
It took them a few minutes but soon they had curled up on the couch and were watching the newest blockbuster action movie. Sebastian had been a little worried that the evening would be awkward and feel like a first date but it hadn’t. Mark still felt like someone he had known for years and that familiarity seemed to make moving things in a new direction very natural.
When they first sat down on the couch, Sebastian had made sure that Mark wasn’t sitting too far away but they’d still had several inches between them. So, a lot closer than friends or colleagues would have been but he wasn’t trying to overwhelm Mark. Push him out of his comfort zone? Maybe.
He still wasn’t sure how much experience Mark had. Sebastian was assuming that Mark found men attractive since he was here on the date but beyond that, he had no idea what kind of past relationships Mark had. Every time conversation approached past relationships in even the most innocent way, he’d steered away from it completely.
At first, Sebastian had been afraid that the memories of Ally were getting in the way but Mark didn’t seem to have any problem with Sebastian’s past. It seemed to be his own that he had an issue with.
About thirty minutes into the movie, the last inches of space between them disappeared. He wasn’t quite sure when it happened but by the first explosion they were cuddled on the couch, his arm wrapped around Mark and Mark’s head on his shoulder. It was innocent and sweet but there was such a feeling of connection, of need.
Part of him wanted to keep things innocent, not push Mark too soon. However, the bigger, more demanding part couldn’t wait to take things further. A kiss, a touch…something. Having him so close yet still so far away was maddening.
He finally couldn’t take the waiting any longer. The smiles, the blushes, the curious looks, it was all too much to resist. Leaning down, Sebastian pulled Mark even closer against him and kissed the pale skin just under Mark’s ear. As first kisses went, it wasn’t conventional, he would admit that, but the sweet shiver and whispered gasp as Mark arched against him was perfect.
Going back for another taste of the soft, delicate skin Sebastian took his time licking and teasing the sensitive column of his neck. He loved the feel of Mark’s body as he trembled and the breathless gasps of pleasure that escaped him when Sebastian found a particularly sensitive area. Mark was so responsive and it was as if he was experiencing every touch for the first time.
As he licked down Mark’s neck, he used his teeth to nip at the smooth skin sending shivers racing through Mark. He loved that Mark didn’t seem to have much facial hair. As his cheek rubbed against Mark’s, he could feel the slight texture of a light five o’clock shadow but the hair didn’t seem to extend down his neck. In fact, from what Sebastian could feel he would be very surprised if Mark had any body hair at all. He couldn’t wait to discover if he was right or not.
Not wanting to spook his skittish boy he kept his touch gentle and slow, finally wrapping his arms around Mark’s waist as he pulled him closer. His mind raced with fantasies, as he tasted his boy for the first time. Smelling sweet and fresh, his innocent scent was as addictive as his taste.
Turning Mark in his arms so that he was almost on his lap, Sebastian kissed back up the column of Mark’s neck, working his way up towards his next obsession. Kissing down Mark’s jaw, he marveled at the texture. Even with the lightest of facial hair, Sebastian could still feel the difference.
There was no confusing the fact that it was a man in his arms but the differences didn’t take away from the experience. If anything, they made exploring Mark more interesting. He couldn’t wait to discover all of those differences.
Finally reaching his goal, he smiled as Mark tilted his head, unconsciously begging Sebastian to claim him. Touching their lips together, he didn’t rush their next first kiss. He wanted Mark to understand he wasn’t going to rush anything.
Gently kissing him, Sebastian felt Mark’s gasp as the sensations raced through him. God, he loved how responsive he was; even the smallest hints of pleasure set
him off. It made Sebastian ache with need to picture how explosive Mark would be when he could finally explore his delectable boy.
Tasting Mark’s mouth, Sebastian deepened the kiss, loving every moan and sound that escaped him. He licked and tasted Mark’s lips, teasing them with his teeth until Mark obeyed the silent command to open. They kissed and explored each other’s mouths until they were breathless and both a little desperate.
Pulling Mark onto his lap, Sebastian devoured his mouth and started tugging at his sweater. He needed more—he needed to feel his boy and there were entirely too many layers separating them. Letting go of Mark’s mouth he pulled the sweater over his head and marveled at the lean, lithe, sexy body in front of him. Wrapping his hands once again around Mark, he marveled at the feeling of his tight muscular body as he leaned in to take his mouth again. But before he could taste his boy again, Mark froze.
Pulling back, Sebastian began to worry that he’d pushed Mark too fast but looking at Mark’s face he didn’t see the wary nerves he expected. No, his boy was fearful and ashamed, tears welling up in his eyes and threating to spill over at any moment as he squirmed, trying to escape Sebastian’s embrace.
“What’s wrong? Are we going too fast, baby?” Could he have pushed Mark too much? Looking back, he couldn’t think of any sign that Mark hadn’t been into what they were doing. Could he have misread the situation that much?
“Hey, relax baby. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Just tell me, what’s wrong?” Aiming to understand what the problem was, he pulled Mark to him trying to calm the sweet boy who was now nearly hysterical and impossible to understand.
“No…no…you don’t understand…I forgot…I have to…I have to…” The panicked words made no sense.
Finally, Mark froze in his arms, tears streaming down his face. He looked defeated and humiliated. What went wrong? They’d been having such a wonderful evening. Was Mark afraid of him? Had he been abused in the past?