by Harper Logan
Still fighting to catch his breath and slow his thundering heart, he withdrew from Adrian and quickly regathered himself, scooping up his discarded helmet from where it lay on the ground. Adrian pulled up his pants, and the two of them looked around to see if anyone had been watching.
Neither he, nor Adrian spoke for the rest of their shift. They stood close to each other, this time not just because of the cold. Their shared silence was not from shame, though Chandler felt like he was floating in a haze of amazed disbelief of what they’d just done. He could never have expected that his secret attraction for the man would be reciprocated. Not in a thousand years, and yet here they were. Now the secret was theirs to share—and they would continue to share it nearly every day of their service, taking advantage of every opportune moment that was presented to them.
Chandler opened his eyes, looked at the time on his phone, and then slid out of bed. Both Adrian and Iraq were never far from his dreams, and he was always thankful when his mind took him back to the memories of that night. The dreams weren’t always so good.
During breakfast, April asked if Adrian would be visiting again that day.
“I don’t know, honey. Do you want him to?”
“Yeah!”
“Why?”
“He’s fun. We played lots of games and he likes reading and he’s nice.”
He was working another day shift today, and had thought about seeing if Lexie was free to take April again that evening. He wanted to spend the time alone with Adrian, but he couldn’t deny his daughter’s request.
Chandler was glad that April liked Adrian, though it made the thought of the inevitable goodbye even worse. It was really sweet how quickly she had taken to Adrian, and how good he was with her. Raising April alone was tough, and yesterday, as brief as it had been, Chandler had glimpsed what a happy family life could be like.
What the hell was Adrian thinking, saying all those things? Quitting his trucking job to start an auto repair shop together. It was stupid. Crazy. Yeah, they’d talked about it before, but the idea had never been a serious one.
Had it?
He didn’t think so. It’d just been something they’d thrown around for fun. They were just naïve kids at the time, full of crazy ideas. Adrian needed to stop acting like the hero. He had his own life. They both did.
But still, the reality was that he couldn’t give April the future she deserved. The money wasn’t the problem—it was the location. There was no future here. There never had been. And yet, despite trying to get away, he’d been drawn back. After the army, he’d retreated back to the familiarity of home. It’d been the only way he was able to deal with the idea of never seeing Adrian again.
He’d truly believed that they wouldn’t ever see each other again.
After all, the agreement was clear. Whatever it was they had between them, it couldn’t continue back home. But that didn’t mean he’d been able to forget his feelings. The photo that Adrian had found in his copy of Rainbow Six was only one of the mementoes he’d kept of their time together, and he took it out from time to time.
He remembered exactly how he’d felt when that photo was taken, and now that Adrian was here…
Chandler’s heart hurt. It hurt because he didn’t want Adrian to slip out of his life again. He felt so powerless in the face of his feelings. Chandler had never felt an ounce of attraction for any other man—just Adrian. It was the strongest he’d felt about anyone in his entire goddamn life. And despite that, he just couldn’t believe that they could ever be together. It’d always be a secret.
Through the entire workday, Adrian’s proposal occupied his thoughts. He found himself checking the time like a kid eager to get out of class and tried to temper his excitement, but it was near impossible. The second his shift ended, he was out the door and dialing Adrian’s number.
“Hey,” came Adrian’s voice over the line.
“Hey, yourself,” Chandler replied. “Just finished with my shift. What do you say you come over for dinner? April is excited to see you again.”
“I’d love to.”
“You need a lift?”
“I’ll find my way.”
“Alright.”
There was a pause of silence.
“Hey, so, Chandler…” Adrian said.
Chandler picked up something in Adrian’s tone, and he knew in his gut what he was about to say. He felt his heart sink, but he kept any telling emotion out of his voice.
“Yeah?”
“Look, um. I got hit up for a contract out of Little Rock running back to New Hampshire. This will be my last night in town. I’ll be hitting the road tomorrow morning.”
Even having anticipated what he was going to say, Adrian’s words still hit Chandler like a ton of bricks.
He switched the phone to his other hand, taking the moment to collect himself. “Ah. Well, it’s good you found one. April will be sad to hear. She really likes you.”
“She’s a sweet little girl. I wish I could have more time to get to know her.”
“Mm.”
More silence, until Adrian said, “Well, I’ll see you soon.”
“See you.”
After hanging up the phone, Chandler sat in his truck, gripping the steering wheel as the sound of his thudding heartbeat filled his ears. A little voice sounded in the back of his head.
You could take him up on the offer.
He squeezed the wheel even tighter. “Don’t be an idiot,” he grumbled aloud. There was too much risk. He wouldn’t do something that could put his daughter in an even worse situation. No fucking way.
He’d just have to let him go. This time for good.
When he picked April up from day care, she was visibly disappointed that Adrian wasn’t there too, but got excited when he told her that her new favorite person would be over for dinner.
Adrian was waiting outside the apartment with a plastic bag draped around one wrist. The moment he saw him standing there, Chandler felt that aching pang of desire and excitement. For a few moments, all the anger and frustration melted away, and he just wanted to be with him.
“Were you waiting long?” Chandler asked. April clung to his hand and hopped as she walked, like she was pretending to be a rabbit. She looked up at Adrian, grinned, and waved.
“Nah,” he said. “I was already in town when you called.” He crouched down to meet April’s level. “Hi, there, you. Did have fun at day care?”
“We played hide-and-go-seek and Mrs. Gaut brought a puppy. His name was Brownie.” She tugged on Chandler’s hand. “Daddy, can we get a puppy?”
“No, honey.”
“Aw,” she said, disappointed. “He was a cute puppy.”
They went inside, and Chandler cut April an apple for her snack. While she was munching on a slice, Adrian took a seat at the table next to her.
“April?”
She looked at him and smiled with a mouthful of chewed apple.
“Don’t do that, honey,” Chandler said, getting two beers from the fridge. “It ain’t polite.”
Adrian chuckled. “April, so, tomorrow I’m going to be leaving.”
A lump rose in Chandler’s throat. He quickly opened his beer and took a swig in an effort to get rid of it. He put the other beer down on the table by Adrian.
“Where are you going?” April asked.
“I’m going home. Back to New Hampshire. Do you know where New Hampshire is?”
She shook her head.
“Well, it’s far. I don’t know when I’ll be back to see you and your dad.”
“Oh,” she said, looking disappointed.
“I’m really glad I got to meet you, though. Here.” He set the plastic bag on the table and slid it over to her. “Here’s a little present for you.”
Her eyes lit up, and she started to bounce in her seat as she pulled the bag open and reached inside. From it, she pulled out a book. It was a copy of The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett. She touched the words on the cover.<
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“The seh… Sehcret. See-cret. Garden. The secret garden.”
“Very good, honey,” Chandler said.
April opened the book. “This book has too many words,” she said.
“Keep practicing, and you’ll be able to read the whole thing,” Adrian said.
“Daddy, can we read it tonight?” she asked.
“Sure thing, honey. Now Daddy and Adrian need to start on dinner. Why don’t you go play in your room?”
She slid off the chair and zoomed off, her new book in hand.
“Thanks for doing that for her,” he told Adrian, who nodded back at him. “Seems like I’ll have another book besides Rainbow Six to add to my list.”
“For a man whose preferred method of exchange is by handwritten letter, I still can’t believe you don’t like to read.”
“I don’t like complicated things.”
Adrian smiled. “You calling me simple?”
“Naw. And that’s why you drive me insane.”
The smile became a laugh, and Chandler joined him. Then after a quick glance over his shoulder at April’s closed door, Adrian got up and came over to Chandler, pulling him into a kiss.
He felt himself melting into it, and hated how Adrian could do that to him. But he didn’t want it to end. And the end was coming.
“So, you’re leaving, huh?” he murmured, running the fingers of his right hand through Adrian’s hair, their foreheads touching. Why was it so damn hard not to get drawn to him? He couldn’t keep his hands off of Adrian. He wanted to keep touching him, to keep drawing kisses from those amazing lips. God, he just wanted to bend him over the table and take him. It was impossible to keep control when he was here. He wanted him so badly.
“I need to get home. I was hoping you’d consider what I said last night.”
Chandler exhaled and moved away. Alright, there was the control.
“Not that nonsense…”
“It’s not nonsense. I was serious.”
“Christ, Adrian.” He pulled a package of special occasion steaks out from the fridge and dropped them onto the kitchen counter with a little more force than he’d intended.
“Coming here and seeing you with five years between us, I didn’t expect to feel the way I do now. But it’s obvious we have something. Something good. Something strong. I know, because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know you feel the same. At least consider it.”
“I have considered it. I can’t just move me and my daughter across the damn country for something that doesn’t even exist. What happens if this whole garage idea falls through, huh? How will I afford to take care of April?”
“It won’t. I know it. Not with you and I running the show.”
Chandler shook his head. “You and I… I don’t even know what we are.”
“We’d be together.”
“Together,” Chandler muttered. He pulled the steaks out of their packaging and began seasoning them.
“That’s right. Together,” said Adrian.
“Remember when we agreed that we’d leave whatever it is we had behind? None of this was supposed to come home with us.”
“But it did.”
Chandler finished seasoning the steaks and then heated up a cut of butter in a cast iron skillet. “I’m sorry, Adrian. I know you’re trying to help me out, but it ain’t happening.”
Adrian stood silently as Chandler cooked the steaks. For a while, the only sound that filled the kitchen was the crackling of butter on the pan.
“Alright,” he said. His tone had changed. It was calm, almost blank. “Okay. I understand. So, after tomorrow, that’s gonna be it?”
Chandler didn’t want to say yes. He wanted to tell him that they could write letters again, and that Adrian could roll through town any time he wanted to. He wanted to be with Adrian, but that was what he was most afraid of.
“I think that’s for the best,” he said. “This time, we move on from this thing for good. Put it behind us. But for tonight, let’s enjoy each other’s company.”
“Okay.”
He didn’t feel good about the decision. The idea of never seeing Adrian again hurt him even more than it had the first time. At least then, they’d had their letters. This time, it would really be forever.
But this was what had to happen. This was the reality of things.
Adrian helped him make a salad, and after cutting up April’s steak into small slices he called her into the dining room and the three of them ate dinner. April talked happily to Adrian about movie princesses she liked, and he made her laugh by doing imitations of old Disney characters. Watching the two of them and seeing how good Adrian was with her didn’t do much to help Chandler’s aching heart.
Two men weren’t supposed to raise a little girl. If they were together, then everyone would know. Everyone would see him. Would see them. His little girl would have to talk about her two daddies, and face a world that wouldn’t understand. He was sure that they wouldn't understand. He couldn’t imagine putting her through that. Children could be so cruel, and she would be an easy target. He had to protect her from all of that.
April dragged Adrian to her room to play. After cleaning up the dishes, Chandler peeked in through the door to look. The two of them were sitting on the floor, April in Adrian’s lap, and The Secret Garden open in his hand. He read aloud from the book while April stared intently at the pages, trying to make sense of the dense words. Chandler went inside.
“Time for a bath, honey,” he said.
“We’re reading The Secret Garden,” she protested.
“We can keep reading together after your bath,” Adrian offered. “All three of us.”
“Aww… I don’t wanna take a bath.”
“Sooner you do, sooner you can hear what happens next.”
She got up, and Chandler took her into the bathroom. When he finished bathing her, he took her back to her room and dressed her in her PJs. She hopped up into the bed, and both he and Adrian pulled up chairs.
“You wanna do the honors?” Adrian asked, holding the book out to him.
“Sure,” he said, and started to read aloud. After a few pages, he paused. “This book is a little scary, don’t you reckon? April, you sure you want to hear this now, honey?”
She nodded. “It’s not scary, daddy.”
He shrugged. “Alright.” He read a few more pages, and then passed the book off to Adrian, and they took turns reading the first two chapters until he could see April’s eyelids getting heavy.
“Okay, honey,” he said. “Time for dreamland. Say goodbye to Adrian, you won’t see him again tomorrow.”
She gave Adrian a hug. “Bye bye, Adrian,” she said. “I love you. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, April. I love you, too,” Adrian said, smiling at how cute she was. “You be good, okay? Don’t stop reading.”
“Okay,” she said.
“Goodnight, honey,” said Chandler, giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Love you.”
They left the room and shut the door.
“You can stay the night, if you want,” Chandler said.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Adrian said. “Not if we’re gonna put this behind us.”
Chandler felt a twinge of disappointment. Stupid, since he was the one who’d said they should end things. Adrian was right, of course. No point dragging it out.
“This wasn’t really how I thought we’d part ways,” Adrian said.
“How did you think we’d part?”
“A handshake. ‘It was good to see you again’. Knowing that I had moved on, and that I didn’t feel anything for you anymore.”
“Do you regret coming?”
Adrian smiled sadly. “No. Not at all. Goodbye, Chandler. Best of luck to you.”
They embraced, and for a moment it seemed like neither was willing to let go of the other. Chandler wanted badly to kiss him, but he resisted, and when they separated Adrian quickly turned for the front door. They didn’t
exchange any more words. Adrian left the apartment without looking back, leaving Chandler alone. When he’d disappeared, Chandler felt the ache in his heart tear into a deep and painful void that forced him into a chair.
“God dammit,” he muttered, squeezing his hands into tight fists. He gritted his teeth, fighting tooth and nail to keep his emotions in check. Dammit, why Adrian have to make him feel this way? Why was he so afraid to let himself get closer to him?