by Noe Dearden
*****
Charlotte knew what had happened the minute she walked into art class and saw a stranger standing by the whiteboard.
She took one look and walked right back out again.
“Where are you going?” Henry asked as she passed him in the hallway.
“I have to see the nurse,” she said.
She spent the rest of the afternoon in a cot in the health room. The girl sitting in the bed across from her threw up twice. A kindergartener was brought in to have gravel removed from his freshly scraped knee. The nurse kept yawning and looking at the clock.
Uncle Eddie came to pick her up after half an hour.
“Hey, kiddo. Not feeling well, huh?” he said, retrieving her backpack from the cubbies and swinging it over his shoulder. She could tell he knew she was not really sick. But he was too nice to call her out on it.
After he signed her out at the nurse’s desk, they headed down to the car together.
“Was Mr. Kerrigan fired because of me?” she asked bluntly.
Uncle Eddie didn’t seem surprised by her question. He shook his head. “He wasn’t fired. He quit.”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” she demanded. “I had to find out in his class.”
“I only heard the news this morning after you left. Your aunt called me.”
“He can’t quit, Uncle Eddie. He didn’t do anything wrong,” she said hoarsely. “It was my fault. I went to his bedroom that night. He didn’t want me there. And he never touched me. Why don’t people believe me when I tell them that?”
“I believe you,” her uncle said. “But regardless of the truth, Mr. Kerrigan decided it was better for everyone if he went somewhere else for a little while.”
Charlotte felt numb. “But where will he go?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken with him about it yet.”
They drove home. Charlotte wanted to escape immediately to her bedroom, but Uncle Eddie asked her to stay with him in his studio while he worked.
“Why?” she asked.
“Your aunt wants me to keep an eye on you,” he explained.
“What does she think I’m going to do? Kill myself?”
Uncle Eddie was about to respond, but they both stopped when they heard a car pulling up the driveway. He went to the window.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Charlotte asked.
She didn’t wait for his reply. She ran outside just as Mr. Kerrigan was stepping out of his Volkswagen bearing two empty cardboard boxes.
“Charlotte? Why aren’t you in school?” he asked when he saw her.
She wanted to run up to him and grab his shirt by the collar and punch him as hard as she could. Instead she hung back. She could sense her uncle standing behind her, but she blocked him out of her mind.
“Are you really leaving?”
He nodded.
“Don’t,” she said. “Please, don’t.”
She wasn’t sure Mr. Kerrigan had heard her. He was standing several feet away, and she had barely spoken above a whisper.
He put both boxes down on the driveway. “It’s better this way.”
She went towards him. She could feel her face crumpling. “This was all my fault. It’s always all my fault. I always mess things up. Always. Always. Always. Always…” she was sobbing out the words, losing control.
She wanted him to hug her, but now she knew he could not do that. He stopped her at arm’s length, his eyes flitting past her to Uncle Eddie still standing in the doorframe behind her.
“Charlotte,” Mr. Kerrigan said, looking back at her intensely. “Listen to me. This is not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”
She shook her head, crying soundlessly.
“I should have been clearer with you from the start,” he said. “I should have communicated better.”
She was heaving now. “Don’t leave,” she whimpered between sobs. “Everyone leaves.”
“Oh, Charlotte...”
She could hardly breathe.
“You can’t leave,” she choked out. “How am I supposed to handle everything without you? Who’s going to save me from my nightmares?”
He took both her hands in his and squeezed. “Let me tell you something. It is much more satisfying to be able to rescue yourself. You’ll realize the truth of that someday.”
“But I c-can’t,” she said. Tears were dribbling down her chin and into her mouth. “It’s too much. I can’t…”
Uncle Eddie had walked up next to her. “Charlotte? Why don’t you come inside and sit down?”
“No,” she said, lashing out. “Stop acting like you want to help. You don’t understand.”
She wiped her nose on her wrist.
“I’ll go get you a tissue,” Uncle Eddie offered. “Hang on.” He jogged into the house.
Alone together, Charlotte looked numbly at Mr. Kerrigan.
“You’re the only person who’s ever cared about me,” she said. “And now you’re going away.”
“Lots of people care about you, actually. Your mother loves you,” he said. “And your aunt and your unc…”
“They don’t love me,” she interrupted flatly. “They put up with me because they have to. And my mother…” She looked down at her bitten fingernails. “All she cares about are the drugs. I don’t even recognize her anymore.” Charlotte’s throat felt bloody raw. “It doesn’t matter, though. It’s not her fault. I was a bad daughter. I’ve done so many bad things, I can’t even keep track any more.”
Mr. Kerrigan squeezed her hand. “Charlotte, you’re so hard on yourself. But you have no reason to be.”
“You don’t understand. You don’t know the truth about me.”
“What do you mean?”
She was clinging onto his hands for dear life. She knew this was the time to tell him. Maybe it would make him stay if she told the truth.
“I killed someone,” she said in a broken voice. “And it wasn’t an accident. I shot him in the face with a shotgun. It’s bad karma that I can’t escape. I keep ripping everything up and ruining everything, and I hate myself so much that I’m going crazy. I’m a life ruiner. I ruin people’s lives. I…” She collapsed to her knees. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“What’s happening?” Uncle Eddie said, having appeared from the house with the tissue box.
“He was hurting her,” Charlotte sobbed. “He would have killed her if I hadn’t…if I hadn’t done something. But I wasn’t thinking he’d die. I was just so angry. You’re the only person who understands, Mr. Kerrigan. And you can’t leave me now that you know. You just can’t…please. Please.”
She was holding onto his legs and crying into his shoes. The next thing she knew, Mr. Kerrigan had crouched down and put his arms around her, too. She clung to him tightly, feeling small in his arms. She wanted never to let go. She wanted to stay there, safe, forever.
Chapter 15