by Finn, Emilia
“Stop!” I collapse onto the bed in a fit of tears. “Stop. Don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me.”
He jumps away from me so fast, drawers and pans clatter together. He raises his hands in the air, and though his body says surrender, his eyes scream rage.
Pure, hate filled rage.
“I’m sorry.” His hair, wet and tied into a knot at the back, exposes every etch and line of his stony face, even in the dark. “I’m sorry, Laine. I won’t touch.”
“It’s just us.” Jess doesn’t heed my request. Instead, she grabs my shoulders and waits for my eyes to meet hers. My lungs heave, searching for oxygen. My limbs shake, and my stomach threatens to revolt. “It’s just us. You’re safe, Laine. It’s family in here. You’re safe now. I’ll protect you with my life, I promise.”
I turn my head just a little to the right and come eye to eye with a staring Kane. He doesn’t stand. He does nothing but watch me like a hunter watches a scared deer.
My lips quiver. Tears rush over my cheeks, and when he swallows and the ink on his neck ripples, the dam opens and howling sobs break me apart from the inside out.
“Shhh.” Jess pulls me close enough that her pounding heart slams against my ear. “It’s okay, Baby. You’re safe now. You’re with us, and the club is gone. Graham’s gone. Everything’s gone except us.” She presses shaking lips to my brow. “You won’t ever hurt again, I promise. I’m not leaving you.”
“I want to go.” I push her away and work with shaking hands to untangle my cords. Angelo noisily backs up and knocks into things in the dark. His hands remain in the air, but his eyes hurt. They hurt like I’ve shoved an ice pick through his chest. “I need to go to the bathroom.” I rip the sensor off my finger and set the heart rate monitor to a single, long incessant beep. The stitches hidden behind the white bandage scream in pain when I slam them on the bed rail. I cry out when I tear the IV from my arm, but Jess’ cry comes because of the blood that sprays onto the clean sheets.
In an instant, Kane scoops her up and pulls her away like I’m a wild animal with my teeth bared.
I push my blankets away and fall to the floor when my ankles tangle in the fabric. Sobs tear up my throat when Angelo lunges forward to help me. “No!” I push him back with slapping hands and those bared teeth.
I shakily climb to my feet, spinning when the door slams open and light from the hall illuminates my shadowed room. A familiar faced nurse, backed by a giant man in a white security shirt, stop on the threshold to find Kane manhandling Jess, and me hitting Angelo.
The security guy pushes past the nurse and comes straight for me.
“No!” Ang steps between us and shoves the guy back. “No! She fell outta bed.”
“Move out of the way, man.”
“She’s not in danger, and she’s not dangerous to anyone else. She fell outta bed, so back the fuck up and give her space.”
“Whose blood is that?” The nurse steps around Jess’ side. “Who did that?”
“That’s from her wrist,” Kane answers. He sets Jess on her feet and throws an arm over her shoulders, pretending like she wasn’t just fighting to be let loose. “Laine fell outta bed, and the cords pulled outta her. Instead of staring at us like we’re criminals, how about you do your job and help your patient?”
“No.” I accidentally slam the IV pole against the wall when I back up. “No more needles right now. I need to use the bathroom.”
Angelo steps out of my way, but he takes the guy with him. “She’s gotta pee. Let her through.”
On bare feet and in an ugly hospital gown, I slip past Angelo and breathe again when he doesn’t reach out to grab me.
My hands shake, my teeth chatter, and my lips wobble; and when the nurse steps in my way, barring the doors, my heart shatters.
“Not alone, Miss Lenaghan. You know the rules.”
“Did you leave a knife in there?” I cry the way I did when we were kids and I felt our parents were punishing me unfairly. “No! You didn’t. I just want a damn minute alone!”
“Call Sonia.” The nurse turns to someone I don’t see in the hall. “Get her down here, then send for the doctor on shift. We need something to calm her down. She needs to rest.”
“No!” I swing the bathroom door open and blind myself with the bright automatic lights. “I don’t want a damn sedative, and I don’t want a babysitter. I want to pee and I want a fucking shower. Why is that so difficult to understand?” I push into the bathroom and slam the door closed, but there’s no lock. Of course not; this is crazy girl room where locked doors and random knives are dangerous.
Stepping into the shower cubicle, I flip the taps on and move under the hot spray. My hands shake, my knees shake, my whole fucking body shakes, all because even in my dreams, Graham hurts me.
Reaching out to the soap Jess brought, I pump it into my hands, soaking the bandage covering my forearm. Blood trickles from the hole the IV left behind, but I don’t care, I simply lather the soap and start scrubbing. I scrub with my nails. I scrub away a layer of skin, and when I still feel the filth, I tear my gown off, and scrub at my scarred and mottled body.
The door creaks open, but I don’t turn. I don’t care who it is.
“Just send the security guy already.” Tears slide along my cheeks and join the shower spray. “Have them send me to the crazy hospital. I’m done.”
“No.” Jess’ voice reaches me only half a second before her hands do. She turns me and tucks my head into her neck when a loud keening tears up my throat. “Shhh, Baby. Let it out. It’s poison, so you gotta let it out.” She backs us up to the wall and helps me slide down until we sit side by side in the spray.
Her bare legs run the length of mine, her arms tuck me against her, and her lips go to my forehead. “I know it seems really hard right now, but I promise, I’m not leaving your side. I’m sticking it out, so don’t push me away, okay?”
“I don’t want your help. I want to do this alone.”
I want to die.
Alone.
I still want to die.
“Please go, Jess. Go with Kane and live a happy life. You don’t need me dragging you down.”
“I’m not going anywhere. If I have to cuff our wrists together, I will. I don’t need anything as much as I need you to be okay.”
“You need Kane.” My chest collapses with every breath I take. “You said you were gonna hang out with me. You said we could have a sleepover.”
“When?” She pushes away to catch my eyes. Brushing the long hair off my face, she cups my cheek. “When are you talking about?”
“When Kane came back, the last day of your exams, you said we would have a sleepover. You said you’d give me vampire books and make me feel better.”
“Laine…” Her eyes turn pink.
“You left me! We made plans, then he came back and you didn’t care about me anymore. You didn’t come home for weeks.”
“Oh my God.” Tears flow over her cheeks as freely as mine. “You’re right. I did. I said that.”
“You ditched me for him.”
“I didn’t mean to.” She holds my face tighter. “I didn’t mean to, Baby. I was just so… he wasn’t dead, and I love him. He’s my forever, and he came back.”
“I was your forever first.”
Tearfully, she nods. “I know. I’m so sorry, Laine. I’m so truly sorry. I was being selfish, and I didn’t think about your feelings at all.” She clutches at my bandaged wrist. “I’m so sorry. I made you do that. I ditched and now look what happened.”
“You didn’t make me do that.”
“Graham did.” Her wet eyes meet mine with new anger. “Graham did all this. It’s all his fault, but I ditched when you needed me, and I’m so, so sorry.”
“I want him to die.”
“Me too.” She swipes a hand under her eye. “Me too, Baby. I want him to die so much, and I’m not just saying that. It’s not a silly thing. I really, truly want him to die. He deserves pain for what he did to you.”
>
“I still dream about him.” My lungs flatten in my chest and refuse to fill. “He won’t leave me alone, so maybe if he’s dead, the dreams will stop.”
“I’m bringing a book to you tomorrow, okay? You get discharged in the morning, so we’re gonna go home, then we’re snuggling and reading silly books until your dreams change.”
“I don’t wanna go to my apartment anymore.”
“You can come to Kane’s place. He has spare rooms, and I’ll sleep with you.”
“Do you promise?”
She gives a fast, jerky nod. “I promise, and nothing will make me ditch. I promise, Baby.”
“Won’t Kane get mad? He’ll want you in his bed, not mine. I’ll become the weird spinster sister that he pretends to be nice to, but he’ll actually hate me, because you’re in my bed and not his.”
“No, Baby. He understands family. He understands what you mean to me. Not only won’t he get mad, but he’ll take his thug ass to the store and buy us ice cream.”
A watery laugh rolls through my chest. “He goes to stores? Like, regular, non-military, non-biker run stores?”
“Uh-huh. I even saw him eat potato salad once.” She swipes her palm under my eye. “And he buys the fancy ice-cream flavors, too. Not just vanilla. He gets all the fancy swirls and chocolate chips and stuff.”
My wobbling lips pull up into a pathetic excuse for a smile. “Are you being dirty with the vanilla-fancy thing?”
“No!” She lets out a tearful laugh. “No. I meant real ice-cream. Baby… I love you for making jokes when your world is collapsing. You’re so strong and amazing and silly. You’re going to be fine. You’re gonna fight him back, you’re gonna win against the nightmares, then you’re gonna light this town on fire.”
“I wanna set a traffic cone on fire and shove it up Graham’s ass.”
She sniffs up a long line of snot. “I might know some people that can make that happen.” When I laugh, she pulls my face back until our eyes meet. “I’m not entirely kidding. You say when, and I can talk to someone who knows someone that’s willing to steal a traffic cone.”
“I wish we could. I wish there was a loophole in the law that allows girls like…” Nausea rolls in my stomach. Club lights flash. Ropes hurt my wrists. “Girls that have been hurt. Like a legal immunity. I think girls like me should get that loophole.”
“I think so too, Baby. I really do.” Laying her head against the tile, she turns and stares through wet eyes. “I can’t let you go, Laine. You’re gonna try to fight me off at some point. I think there might even be a journey of mourning or something, but at some point you’ll find your anger and you’ll try and fight me off. You’ll want me to go away and leave you alone.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“But if you do,” she continues as though I didn’t speak, “If you reach that point that you want to tie me to train tracks just to get rid of me, this is your warning now; I’m not going. I’m gonna keep coming back. I’m going to take it right back to sixth grade when we both liked that boy. Remember when you whacked me with a skateboard?”
Bubbling laughter bursts past my lips. “Yes. I remember. I saw him first, then you started putting tissues in your bra.”
“You whacked me with a skateboard and nearly knocked me the hell out.”
“Kari had to pull me off you.”
“And Britt sat on her board and watched. We didn’t stop until X got home and yelled at us. Do you remember what he said?”
I nod. “Boys are dumb, and we should never let them get between us.”
“And we thought that was so silly, because he’s a boy, and he was calling boys stupid.”
“Alex has never made sense when he’s up on his soapbox.”
She snickers. “Right. He rarely makes sense. There’s real life logic, then there’s Alex logic. His is rarely logical, but it always centers around how family comes first.”
Fresh, hot tears slide over my cheeks. “I chose Graham over you.”
“Not anymore. He’s done now, and we still have the traffic cone thing. But as far as we’re concerned, he doesn’t exist. Now we’re back to who we were before that night in the club.”
“I think my therapist might frown at the denial route. She’d rather I talk it out instead of brush it under the rug.”
“Right. Well…” She shrugs. “You do your thing with Sonia, since she has that fancy degree and knows what the crap she’s talking about, and I’ll go with the setting him on fire and pretending he doesn’t exist thing. You know what we should do?” Sitting taller, she turns with a grin. “We should take that road trip. Summer’s coming, so it’s the perfect time.”
“I dunno…”
“Why not? School’s almost out. I can take time. There’s no reason why we can’t go.”
“Jules will have her baby soon. She’ll need you at the office while she’s home tearing her vag apart.”
“We’ll put signs all over town. No one’s allowed to break the law for a whole summer. Or if they do, they can have Dolly as representation.”
I snort. “She’d probably be really good at it.”
“No doubt. Every judge will rule in her favor to get her to shut the hell up.”
“I haven’t visited with her in a while.” The robust woman with sass for years and a sharp tongue works at the truck stop twenty-five minutes outside town. Somehow, in some strange twist of fate, she ended up somewhat adopting us and becoming our milkshake supplier. She let us sit in her booth for hours and hours while we grieved.
Jess grieved for Kane.
And I grieved for me.
Dolly was kind and provided endless love and support to a couple of crying messes, and though I got mad at Jess for choosing Kane over me, I chose me over Dolly. She was ready to move in with us so she could hug more, but then I simply ghosted.
“Hey.” Jess’ hand comes back to my cheek. “We can go back. We’ll visit with her and let her clog up our arteries. It can be the first stop on our epic road trip. We need to get gas from somewhere; may as well make it Dolly’s.”
“You really wanna go?”
Water droplets fall from her lips when she nods. “Yes. I really, really wanna go. Soon. Jules is like eleven hundred months pregnant, so she’ll drop that baby soon. Once it’s out and everyone is safe, we’ll load up.”
I giggle. “You called our niece or nephew an it.”
“That baby is half Alex, half Jules. It’s definitely coming out an it. It’ll be scary, and will probably come out with a gun and a law degree.”
I let out a weary sigh. I haven’t talked with my sister in so long. I’ve been bordering on mute for months, so this shower has been the most talking I’ve done in ages.
It’s definitely the most I’ve laughed.
The most I’ve hoped.
I study the soaked bandage on my wrist. “They’re gonna get mad at me for getting this wet.”
Jess shrugs and begins unwrapping the useless bandaging. “It doesn’t matter. They can fix it again.” Gently, she unravels the fabric to reveal ugly black stitches that make my breath catch.
I tried to kill myself.
I cut myself.
“Hey.” She links her fingers with mine until we’re palm to palm. “It’s in the past. This doesn’t define you, this is just part of the roadmap of your life. You had a shitty year, and now you have a scar to show for it.”
“I’ll always see this scar and remember how weak and shitty I am.”
“No, Baby. You’ll always see this scar and remember how brave and wonderful you are. You’ll see it and remember what you overcame. Not everyone can overcome what you did. Not everyone comes out the other side.”
“I didn’t want to. I wasn’t strong enough.”
“And yet, here you are. You’re stronger than you know. I promise you.”
My emotions swing wildly, from uncontrollable tears, to silly laughter, back around to grief and loss. “I’m only here because Ang found me. Be
cause he wouldn’t let me go.”
“And I’m only here because Kane wouldn’t let me go.” Moving away, she leans on one hand and shows off scarred ribs I barely recall seeing once before. “See my scar, Baby? Kane stitched me up. He saved me when I was bleeding and weak.”
“He stitched you?” I push her further over to get a closer look. She sits in this hospital shower in a bra and panties. I’m naked. But neither of us care as I practically crawl over her to inspect the ugly scar. “What the hell, Jess?”
“Well.” She flashes a playful grin. “I was sort of dating a criminal. I’d watched him kill someone. I wasn’t going to tell my family about letting a thug stitch me up.”
“You watched him kill someone?”
Sitting up slowly, she casts a glance toward the closed door. “He did it for me. He did it to save me, and I’m not sorry. That man deserved what he got, but this scar on my side… it shows I lived through something really horrible. I survived it, and now I’m stronger. And you,” she grabs my injured wrist, “this shows you survived something awful. It shows you’re a survivor. That you’re strong and brave. That you can overcome. Plus, I was feeling kinda lopsided, since we’ve always matched. I had a scar and you didn’t. It was weird.”
Tears and laughter escape me at the same time. “And now we match again. Same, but different.”
She nods. “Same, but different, just like always. You’re not broken, Baby. There’s nothing wrong with you. You tried to make the pain go away, and I won’t ever judge you for that. But now you know that option’s off the table, I won’t let you go, so we find a new way to cope. I’m going to make sure you’re okay. I’m going to make sure you can sleep without nightmares again, and I’m going to make it so men don’t scare you. The good ones, the right ones, are far more scared of us than we are of them. I’m going to make it so you can laugh again, and you’ll be able to have fun, dress up, go out. You’ll be free, Baby, and when that day comes, we’ll toast to new beginnings.”
10
Angelo
Back to the 50’s
I left Laine in Jess’ hands for two whole days after discharge. Not because I didn’t want to face her first days out of the hospital, but because I knew Laine needed time. I know battered women, and I know Laine needs me gone and out of her space.