by Maya Banks
to yours.”
He grasped her face in his palms and stared fiercely into her eyes. “I’m not letting you go. Ever. It’s not happening. How the fuck am I supposed to get back to my life when you are my life? As if my life would mean a goddamn thing if you weren’t in it. Now we’re getting into the shower and warming up. We’re both freezing our asses off. You more than me. You’ve been out in the fucking weather for hours. I’ll be lucky if you don’t have hypothermia.”
Her eyes widened, and then he released her face and pulled her to her feet, shedding his own clothes as he shoved her toward the shower.
He couldn’t control the shaking that had invaded his limbs. He could barely manage to hold on to her in the shower, but he anchored her firmly against his body, using the heat of the water as well as the heat from his own body to warm her.
She was like a block of ice, the cold so deeply ingrained that it had chilled her blood. It killed him that she’d been so long out in the rain, desolate, distraught, all because he’d handled things completely wrong. He’d made her believe she was nothing. That she had nothing. When she was goddamn everything to him.
He loved her. If there’d been any doubt before this, it was gone now. And you didn’t treat someone you loved like he’d treated her. He hadn’t shown any understanding. He hadn’t listened to her, hadn’t waited for her to explain. All this time, he’d been patient, waiting for her to discuss her past, to share that part of her with him. And when he’d had the opportunity, he’d blown it.
That would never happen again. And he’d be damned if he let her walk out of his life when he’d waited thirty-eight years for her to walk into it.
Heat swelled and surrounded them and he felt her shivering finally ease as she sagged into his arms, warm and pliant and so very precious. All he’d ever wanted, he held right now in his arms. He wasn’t letting go. He never lost a battle he was truly invested in and this was the most important one of his life.
He kissed her temple and let his mouth slide down her soft cheek to her chin. His. His woman. His lover. His wife, if he had any damn thing to say about it. He was going to tie her so tightly to him that she’d breathe the same air as he did.
“Are you warm now?” he murmured against her ear.
She nodded and he reluctantly pulled her from his embrace and turned the water off. He hurried her out of the shower and rubbed her briskly with a towel so she wouldn’t grow chilled again. When he got to her hair, he pulled it from her neck, his gaze settling on the choker he’d given her for Christmas. She hadn’t taken it off. Even when she’d been so hurt. He traced the lines with his finger and then leaned in to kiss the space between her ear and the choker where her pulse fluttered under his lips.
She took a step away, her eyes still haunted and guarded. “Jace . . .”
“Shhh, Bethany. Just give me some time here. You need to be warm and dry and then we’re going to talk. About everything. And you aren’t leaving. Don’t even think about it. I’ll tie you to my bed and not suffer an ounce of remorse, if that’s what I have to do to keep you here.”
She bit her lip but went silent, allowing him to wrap her hair in the towel. Then he grabbed his robe from the hook on the back of the door and helped her into it, tying it securely around her waist.
He took only a few moments to towel off and pull dry clothing on before he urged her into the living room.
He turned on the fire and settled her on the couch.
“Give me just a few more minutes to make you a cup of hot chocolate and I’ll be back.”
He waited, hesitant to leave her for even that amount of time, but the fact that she was only in his robe—something he’d done purposely—reassured him that she wouldn’t be bolting out of his apartment.
But still, he waited for her agreement and when she finally nodded, his chest lightened in relief.
It seemed to take an eternity for the milk to heat in the microwave. He hastily stirred in the mix and sweetened it just how she liked it and then he went back into the living room where she was cuddled on the couch.
Her feet were tucked underneath her as if she were seeking more warmth and she’d taken the throw from the end and positioned it over her lap. He wasn’t sure if she needed the extra warmth or if she was adding layers as a protective measure . . . from him.
He’d allow no barriers between them. Not anymore. But first they had to get everything out in the open.
He handed her the mug and she clasped it in both hands, absorbing the warmth into her palms. He settled onto the couch next to her, turning so they faced one another. He pulled his knee up and toward the back so that it was touching hers. She didn’t move away, something he took as a positive sign, but he knew he had a lot of ground to make up.
“I owe you an apology,” he said in a low voice. “I’m sorry, Bethany. I just lost it. When I thought of all the things that could have happened to you, I went a little crazy and I said things I didn’t mean. I never meant to make you feel like you were nothing or had nothing. If you believe nothing else, believe that.”
The mug shook in her hands as she lowered it from her mouth. “I understand. I do. But, Jace, I told you what I almost did.”
Her face was a wreath of pain and shame. It was nearly his undoing. No longer able to keep any distance at all between them, he took the mug from her hands and placed it on the coffee table before returning and moving closer. He looped one arm along the back of the couch so his fingers touched her shoulder and he pulled her other hand into his, caressing her palm with his thumb.
“‘Almost’ is the key word, baby. You almost took a pill. But you didn’t. You stopped. You didn’t do it.”
She closed her eyes and his heart clenched when a tear slipped down one cheek.
“I had come such a long way,” she whispered. “Until today. Until I saw those pills. I don’t think about them. I mean, I hadn’t. I haven’t wanted them. Not since I got clean. And then today I wanted it more than anything. It was a compulsion.”
She shuddered and bowed her head. He slid his fingers underneath her chin and gently lifted until she was forced to meet his gaze once more.
“Baby, you didn’t do it,” he said quietly, with emphasis. “It doesn’t matter what you wanted, what you thought. You didn’t take it. That took strength. You beat it and it doesn’t have you in its grasp any longer. Didn’t today prove that to you?”
Hope was so poignant in her eyes that it cut him in two.
“Do you think so?”
“Yeah, I do. I don’t want you beating yourself up over this. And from now on, I’m going to be here to help you. You don’t have to be alone. You won’t be alone. You’re moving in with me. I’ve waited. I didn’t want to push you too soon. That’s why I moved you into my sister’s old apartment. But I’m done with that. You’re going to be here with me.”
Her eyes widened. Her mouth opened to protest and he silenced her with a kiss.
“You’re mine, Bethany. You belong to me. I belong to you. You belong here. That’s not negotiable.”
“But Jack . . .”
He drew away, some of his mood deteriorating. “We do have to talk about Jack. He’s dangerous to you, Bethany. I won’t tolerate that. I won’t tolerate any threat to you.”
Her breath stuttered out and it was obvious she worked to control the tears that threatened.
“I can’t just turn my back on him, Jace. I don’t expect you to understand.”
“Make me understand. Tell me why. Tell me what hold he has on you.”
She closed her eyes and the tears she’d battled slipped in silent, silver streams down her cheeks.
“He took so much for me. He protected me. You can’t imagine what he took for me, Jace.”
His chest burned and a knot formed in his throat. He knew with certainty that he wouldn’t like what she was about to tell him, but he would sit and listen if it killed him. This was her past and she was finally giving everything to him. Trusting him wit
h the secrets she’d kept and the dark pain in her eyes.
“We were in and out of foster homes. We aren’t related by blood. You know that. But we’d bonded and social services tried to place us together when possible. It wasn’t always. But they knew if we went together that we were less likely to cause trouble and so when they could they accommodated our need to be together. We were the only family each other had.”
She paused and sucked in deep, steadying breaths.
“Go on, baby,” he said gently. “I’m listening. Nothing can hurt you now.”
“When I was twelve, Jack was fifteen. He was big for his age. I know he doesn’t look it now. He’s too thin, but when he’s healthy and well fed, he’s a big guy. Tall and broad shouldered. Anyway, we were in a home together and the father . . .”
Jace tensed, his entire body bristling with rage. He didn’t like where she was going with this.
“The father used to look at me and it worried Jack. Jack would never let me out of his sight or leave me alone with our foster dad. It turned out the father didn’t much care if it was girls or boys.”
She shuddered in revulsion, her face going pale. Distress radiated from her in waves. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, turning her face so she could continue speaking. He stroked her hair, trying to offer her comfort in any way he could.
“He took that for me,” she whispered. “He put himself in the way every single time the father came after me. Jack allowed that man to abuse him so that I wouldn’t be abused and, oh God, I can never forget that, Jace. I can’t forget it. He took that for me for months until we were finally able to get away.”
“Oh baby. I’m so sorry.”
“Jack’s always taken care of me. When I was in the car accident. Before that. After that. It’s always been him who made sure we had food to eat, clothes to wear. When I wasn’t able to get more pain medication prescribed—and at that time I was still having so much pain—Jack got the pills for me. And then, when I became addicted, he risked arrest and God knows what else to make sure I had what I needed.”
Jace sighed. It was a sticky situation, no doubt. He saw Jack in a new light, but it didn’t mean he was okay with the man fucking things up for Bethany now. Jack was into more than just a habit for prescription drugs. He was buying, if not dealing, the hard shit. The kind of stuff that could get a person killed or sent to prison for a very long time. There was no way in hell he was going to let Bethany be exposed to that.
“I understand why you feel the way you do, baby, but listen to me. Jack has gone beyond that now. He’s in deep and he’s putting you in serious danger. I can’t allow that. I won’t allow it. I’ll never agree to anything that can harm you. Do you understand that?”
She shifted and raised her head so she could look him in the eye. “I do understand, Jace. I do. I’m not making excuses for him. I don’t like what he’s doing, but the idea of him being cold and hungry and in danger himself . . . it breaks my heart. I can’t help but wonder if he’d be like he is if it weren’t for me.”
Jace shook his head, making sure she saw his vehemence. “You can’t take the blame for this. I won’t let you. He protected you. I’ll always be grateful he did that. But baby, even he wouldn’t blame you for what he is now. We all make choices. He made some bad ones, but that doesn’t mean you have to pay the price.”
“But what am I supposed to do? I can’t just walk away from him. I can’t just leave him alone and with nothing. Not when I have all the things he doesn’t.”
Jace stared into her tear-drenched eyes and realized that she wouldn’t be the woman he loved if she could just walk away from her family. He stroked her cheek, wiping away the dampness, and then he sighed.
“I’ll figure something out for Jack. But you have to understand if I step in, that means you step away.”
Her eyes became troubled and she dropped her gaze again.
“Could he . . .”
She bit into her lip and went silent.
“Could he what, baby? You don’t have to be afraid to ask me anything.”
“But I have no right to ask this,” she said in a low voice. “You’ve given me so much and I’ve given you nothing in return.”
“You are everything to me. Everything, Bethany. I don’t say that lightly. I’ve damn sure never said that to another woman. Hell, I’ve never said it to another human being.”
She stared at him with such confusion and amazement that he couldn’t control himself any longer. He hauled her into his arms and against his chest, anchoring her so tight that it was doubtful she could breathe.
“Ask, Bethany.”
“I was going to ask you if Jack could stay in the apartment,” she whispered. “Just for a little while. Until he gets on his feet and can afford a place of his own.”
Jace carefully extricated Bethany from his hold and set her far enough away so that she could see him and he could see her. His expression was utterly serious as he stared down at her.
“If you move in with me, I’ll see what I can do about letting Jack move into your apartment.”
She didn’t react to the subtle blackmail. Not that it was even subtle. But he wasn’t above using whatever means necessary to get her into his space, in his bed and more firmly entrenched in his life.
“You’d do that?” she whispered.
Hell yes, he’d do it. And not suffer one iota of guilt in the process.
“Yes, I would do that.”
She threw her arms around him, nearly toppling him backward on the couch. “Thank you,” she said fiercely. “I don’t deserve you, Jace. I thank God every day for you, though.”
He frowned at her assertion but since she hadn’t balked at the idea of moving in with him he didn’t push the matter.
“I can’t wait to tell Jack,” she said. “He won’t believe it.”
Jace held up his hands. “There are a few conditions, Bethany.”
She went silent and looked questioningly at him.
“I won’t have drugs in that apartment. I won’t have them anywhere near you. If Kaden or Trevor finds them at any time, he’s out. And if you see Jack, you’ll do it with either Kaden or Trevor or myself. That I won’t bend on.”
Bethany was quiet. He could see the wheels turning in her mind. He found himself holding his breath, wondering if he’d been too forceful. But it was who he was. He couldn’t change that, wouldn’t change it for something as important as her safety.
“All right,” she said quietly. “I’ll explain to Jack.”
“No.”
She lifted her brows and they furrowed in confusion.
“I’ll explain to Jack,” Jace said grimly. “I won’t put you in an uncomfortable situation. Let me be the asshole. I have no problem with that role when it comes to you.”
“You’re not an asshole,” she said in a fierce voice that made him smile.
“Does that mean you’ll be happy to stay with me and not think me a huge asshole for manipulating you into moving in with me?”
Her eyes went soft and then she leaned into his embrace, her body melting like liquid satin over his skin. So smooth and warm. So fucking perfect. His hands glided down her back, wishing like hell his robe wasn’t covering her.
“I never wanted to leave,” she said faintly. “I thought it was what you wanted.”
“Shhh, baby, no. Don’t say that. Never that.”
“And I worry, Jace. I do. I worry where this is going to go and how long you’re going to be happy with . . . me.”
The unspoken fear was as evident as if she’d voiced it. She was worried that this was temporary for him and she worried what would happen to her when, in her mind, he got tired of her and moved on.
“And I still worry that I’m not good enough for you,” she said in a starkly vulnerable voice.
“Oh, baby.”
She shook her head and continued on. “I don’t fit into your world. How could I? I’m afraid that one day you’re going to realize t
hat.”
He stroked her face with his palm, allowing her to keep her head nestled against his shoulder. “You are my world, baby. We’ve been over this.”
He could feel her squeezing her eyes shut and she trembled. He hugged her tighter and kissed her silky hair.
“I want to believe that,” she whispered. “Because you’re mine, Jace. And that scares me. You’re my entire world. Everything that’s wonderful. The best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve lost a lot in my life, and I survived. But if I lost you, it would devastate me as nothing else has or ever could. You have so much power over me and that’s frightening.”
He closed his eyes, inhaling deep as her words washed over him. She hadn’t said she loved him, but he was convinced that it was only because for her that was the final bridge to gap. A sign of her ultimate submission. And maybe she wasn’t ready for that yet. He could wait. Forever, if it took that long. He was more than happy to spend the next forty years convincing her that he wasn’t going anywhere. Eventually he’d hear those words from her lips and that day, when it came, would be forever engraved in his memory.
“Baby, listen to me.”
She shifted back again, her gaze meeting his. He touched her mouth, tracing the bow.
“The kind of power you’re talking about isn’t about control. It isn’t about your submission. It isn’t about my dominance. It’s about emotional power. But baby, you have exactly that same power over me. When it comes to our relationship, you have far more power than I do.”
Her eyes widened in surprise.
“It’s true,” he said before she could put her protest to words. “You have more power, more control than you could possibly imagine. My heart is in your hands. That’s not bullshit. I’m not saying stuff I think you want to hear in order to manipulate you. I can’t be any more honest than this. I’m yours, baby. I’m putting it out there. My heart, my soul, it all belongs to you.”
“Jace.”
His name exploded in a rush of air as she stared stricken into his eyes. Her mouth rounded in shock and her hands trembled as she raised them to his face. When she touched him, he nuzzled into her palm and then pressed a kiss to the soft skin.
“Really?” she whispered.
He smiled. “You can’t think I have a habit of saying this shit to every woman I sleep with.”
She shook her head. “No. I can’t imagine that at all.”
“Then believe it, baby. See me. Believe in yourself. In us. This is real. As real as it gets. Nothing has ever been more real in my life.”
“Okay,” she said in a quiet, breathy voice that sent a sweet rush over his skin.
“You’ll move in?”
She nodded.
“You’ll let me handle things with Jack?”
She nodded again.
“Are you prepared to fully submit to me? And not just in the bedroom, baby. In all aspects of our relationship.”
There was only a brief hesitation before she nodded a third time.
“Never run out on me again, Bethany. No matter what happens, you stay and fight. Yell at me, argue, throw something at me, whatever you want to do, but never walk away from me. You stay and fight for what we have. You know I have a temper. And you know I’ll say stupid shit I don’t mean. But you can’t tuck tail and run when things get rough. Promise me that.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him, warm and sweet. “I promise.”
chapter thirty-two
“Jace,” Bethany whispered close to his ear.
“Yes, baby?”
Bethany was cuddled into his side, her body limp and sated from their lovemaking. And if Jace had any doubt as to whether it was lovemaking before, that doubt had disappeared. They’d spent endless hours kissing, touching, discovering each other’s bodies, and he’d been especially delighted by Bethany’s boldness in bed.
She was still adorably shy and sometimes hesitant, but she was growing in confidence and Jace delighted in every initiative she took. There’d been no place for dominance and kink in last night’s rediscovery of one another. He’d simply poured every ounce of his emotion into their lovemaking until they were both spent.
She levered up on her elbow, her head leaving its place on his shoulder. He wanted to pull her back, not liking the sudden absence of her in his arms, but she was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. Something was on her mind and he