by Jessica Fern
PRAISE FOR POLYSECURE
“Anyone even considering nonmonogamy would benefit from reading Polysecure. Jessica Fern does an excellent job of not only explaining attachment theory and applying it to nonmonogamy but also offering real steps readers can take and skills they can hone to help create the secure, satisfying relationships they want.”
—JoEllen Notte, sex educator and author of The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren’t Having
“This is required reading for people in open relationships and should be used as a textbook for every therapist who works with people in polyamorous relationships.”
—Kathy Labriola, counselor, nurse and author of The Polyamory Breakup Book, The Jealousy Workbook and Love in Abundance
“Polysecure gives people a way to understand how they may be recreating old patterns by bringing their own childhood attachment styles into their adult relationships. And even more importantly, it offers concrete skills for how to use this knowledge to create healthier, more satisfying and secure relationship dynamics.”
—Max Rivers, intimacy coach and author of Loving Conflict: How Conflict Is Really Your Relationship Trying to Go Deeper
“An extremely helpful addition to the literature on consensual nonmonogamy, and the first self-help book to focus on applying attachment theory to nonmonogamous relationships.”
—Dr. Meg-John Barker, author of Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships
“I whole-heartedly recommend this book to anyone interested in self-acceptance and self-mastery, as well as their own emotional well-being as they build loving, sustainable, healthy multiple relationships.”
—Kitty Chambliss, relationship coach and author of Jealousy Survival Guide: How to Feel Safe, Happy and Secure in an Open Relationship
“A great read for both therapists who serve people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships and laypeople who are interested in what makes for secure attachments in such relationships.”
—Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, When Someone You Love is Polyamorous and Children in Polyamorous Families
Polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
Copyright © 2020 by Jessica Fern. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.
Thorntree Press, LLC
P.O. Box 301231
Portland, OR 97294
[email protected]
Thorntree Press’s activities take place on traditional and ancestral lands of the Coast Salish people, including the Chinook, Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-Waututh nations.
Cover design by Brianna Harden
Interior design by Jeff Werner
Substantive editing by Andrea Zanin
Copy-editing by Hazel Boydell
Proofreading by Heather van der Hoop
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Fern, Jessica, author.
Title: Polysecure : attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy / by Jessica Fern.
Description: [Portland] : [Thorntree Press], [2020] | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020009992 (print) | LCCN 2020009993 (ebook) | ISBN 9781944934989 (paperback) | ISBN 9781952125003 (kindle edition) | ISBN 9781944934996 (epub) | ISBN 9781952125010 (pdf)
Subjects: LCSH: Nonmonogamous relationships--Psychological aspects. | Attachment behavior.
Classification: LCC HQ980 .F47 2020 (print) | LCC HQ980 (ebook) | DDC 306.84/23--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020009992
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020009993
Digital edition v1.0
In loving dedication to Chris Kaminskas (1961–2009) and my madrina, Maria Pusz (1947–2014).
You were the safe havens and secure bases that I owe my resiliency to.
CONTENTS
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Glossary
Introduction
PART ONE
Chapter One: An Overview of Attachment Theory
Chapter Two: The Different Dimensions of Attachment
Chapter Three: The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma
PART TWO
Chapter Four: Consensual Nonmonogamy
Chapter Five: Attachment and Nonmonogamy
Chapter Six: The Importance of Attachment in Consensual Nonmonogamy
PART THREE
Chapter Seven: The Foundations of Being Polysecure in Your Relationships
Chapter Eight: The HEARTS of Being Polysecure
Chapter Nine: The S in HEARTS—Secure Attachment with Self
Chapter Ten: Common Questions and Final Thoughts
Notes
Bibliography
FOREWORD
Eve
The literature on polyamory has come a long way since The Ethical Slut and Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits were first published in 1997. Both books broke new ground and offered a new identity and community for nonmonogamous people who had previously struggled in isolation. But these books were written from the perspectives of specific subcultures, and they didn’t (couldn’t!) deal with the full range of issues confronted by the newly polyamorous.
Options began to proliferate in the late 2000s, with books like Opening Up and many lesser-known titles. These offered a wider range of practical advice, but as the title Opening Up suggests, this wave of poly practice presumed the centrality of a primary couple and popularized a hierarchical model in which primary partners were to have rights and safety that secondary or casual partners were not granted to the same degree. Early polyamorous media representation through shows like Polyamorous: Married and Dating fiercely reinforced this view.
This was the kind of polyamory I was introduced to when I first began exploring in the early 2000s. The hierarchical relationship structures that were the norm in the online circles I frequented (and nearly all media representation of polyamory) kept some of the feeling of security offered by monogamy by protecting attachment needs, and often masking potential attachment disruptions, for those who were in so-called primary relationships. At the same time, they did a dismal job of honouring the attachment needs of partners who were considered “secondary”: those outside a primary, usually presumed to be nesting, couple, whose bond was presumed to be more valid or worthy of protection than the others “opened up” to.
But some people were making noise. In 2003 the publication of “A Proposed Secondary’s Bill of Rights” caused a stir in online polyamorous circles, and provided secondary partners with an important tool to advocate for their needs. Andie Nordgren published “The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy” in 2006, questioning the need for relational hierarchies, and by the early 2010s, an increasing number of popular bloggers—many building on Nordgren’s work—were pushing for recognition of a wider range of relationship styles, and in particular, of the needs of secondary partners.
Then, in 2014, my co-author and I published More Than Two, attempting to distill the last decade’s worth of debate into an instructional manual that promised a non-hierarchical, more egalitarian way of thinking about polyamorous relationships.
When More Than Two encouraged polyamorous people to sweep away the external supporting structures of both monogamy and polyamorous hierarchy, though, what it offered in exchange fell short. It placed the onus of building security almost entirely on the individual who felt insecure. Despite the many people who were helped by the book, this inappropriate focus caused harm, and over tim
e, I grew to understand there was something missing in our framework—I just didn’t have the words for what.
It was Nora’s blog, where in 2016 she proposed that “The Opposite of Rape Culture Is Nurturance Culture,” that began to help me find words for what had been missing from More Than Two. I reached out to her on Twitter to talk about our work.
Naava
When Eve first said hello in summer 2016, we were both living in East Vancouver. My essay “The Opposite of Rape Culture Is Nurturance Culture” had gone viral earlier that year, and Eve reached out to talk shop.
Meeting over iced drinks at a little East Van cafe, we tossed around the idea of a collaboration combining attachment theory and ethical polyamory. We also quickly realized that we were neighbours who lived across the street from one another.
Over the next months we did what neighbours do: she invited me over to pick figs at her house and I dropped off some of the fig jam; we went for the occasional walk debating ethics and politics; I sometimes fed the cat. Life went on, as it does, and the idea moved to the back burner, as they do.
It was three years later when Eve sent me a link to a talk by Jessica Fern with a note: “Fern is doing what we talked about.” I watched, fascinated, as Fern firmly drew connections between attachment theory and ethical polyamory with grace, style and wit.
Fern’s intervention is a groundbreaking development in the trajectory of writing about ethical polyamory and relationships. The tools provided here will be helpful for those who are practising ethical polyamory; they will also help those who are monogamous, who also navigate dating, communicating needs, and making decisions about commitment. Polysecure expands on the existing literature in a significant—perhaps even paradigm-shifting—way.
Fern is uniquely qualified to write this book. She is a psychotherapist who is nonmonogamous and works with nonmonogamous people and families. She holds a master’s in conflict analysis and resolution. Her insights come out of both professional training and extensive hands-on experience working with clients as a therapist. She has also experienced trauma, along with the nonlinear healing journey that follows.
In a sense, Fern’s book picks up where More Than Two left off. Dubbed by many of its readers a sort of poly bible, More Than Two is one of the most popular and widely read polyamory guidebooks, and it remains relevant and useful today. Published by Thorntree Press in 2014, More Than Two moved the conversation along and changed the way many people think about and organize their relationships. But as Eve has reflected elsewhere, with all of its strengths, More Than Two also has drawbacks, as any book will.
As I’ve come to expect of Eve, when confronted with new insights and information she is willing, even eager, to look back over her own work and grow in ethics and analysis. This commitment to try, assess, seek out new insight and challenge, and change one’s thinking is a professional practice I greatly respect. As publisher at Thorntree Press, Eve has helped bring this book out into the public conversation, and it promises to be pathbreaking.
In Polysecure, Jessica Fern has again moved the conversation forward. Although we cannot know for certain how a book will translate when it encounters the cultural context that receives it, my sense is that this book will increase the availability of tools for navigating needs, desires and commitments for those who want secure bonds; it will also offer vocabulary to aid in transparency for those who do not.
When done well, these conversations may help readers enjoy the possibilities—and fulfill the responsibilities—of fully informed consent.
As Fern so beautifully illustrates in these pages, true security builds in an interwoven way. It can be cultivated within, yes, but it grows in and through the bonds we share with others: in relationships, in communities and in the larger cultural fabric to which we belong.
The collaboration we discussed that summer day over coffee is no longer needed. This book has stepped into the gap and filled it, with rigour and care. I hope that readers will find it as calming, and as compelling, as I did when I first read the manuscript.
Eve Rickert, Victoria, BC
Naava Smolash, Vancouver, BC
July 2020
Eve Rickert is the co-author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (Thorntree Press, 2014).
Naava Smolash, who sometimes writes under the pen name Nora Samaran, is the author of Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture (AK Press, 2019).
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Mom and Dad: Thank you for the spark of love that brought me into this world. Each of us has been through a shit ton in our lives and, as Mom would frequently say, we did most of our growing up together. Mom, thank you for your enthusiasm and unshakable support for whatever I do, as well as how much freedom you gave me to be me. Dad, thank you for your bravery and willingness to dive into some of the most difficult conversations a parent and child can have.
John Leporati: There would be no me without you and there would definitely be no writing without you. From my college entrance essay to job cover letters, to probably every significant paper I wrote in college and grad school, to this very book, you have been there for me like no other! Our bond has been unbreakable from day one and thank you for adopting me as yours.
Dave: Oh the irony that the first book I publish is the one piece of work that you weren’t my ghostwriter for. Thank you for all of the ways that you have supported my writing through the years. You have such an incredible gift with language that I can only hope has rubbed off on me. Our marriage was also the testing ground for many of the personal insights that are captured in this book. Our ability to fluidly, lovingly and consciously navigate togetherness, separateness, connection and parenting is an impossibly precious gift. You will always be one of the most important attachments of my life.
Diego: Before you were born I knew how important it was for you to experience me as your safe haven and secure base, but I had no clue how profound my own healing of attachment would be through being your mother. Thank you for the fullness of your love.
Shane: Thank you for being the secure attachment love salve that my heart so desperately needed during our first year together. You stayed strong, secure and so sweet with me during my fearful flare-ups. You held me in the ways I needed, and when this book opportunity arose, you also challenged me to not lose sight of myself, my work-life balance or us while taking on this project. Thank you for keeping me in check. I’m so grateful for where we’ve already been and continually excited about where we’re headed.
Eve Rickert, thank you immensely for this opportunity to create this book. Andrea Zanin, thank you for your valuable feedback regarding content, style and voice. Hazel Boydell, thank you for your support with copy-editing and tending to all the details. Heather van der Hoop, thank you for your detailed proofreading. Kate and Sarah, thank you for creating the space at Southwest Love Fest for Eve and me to connect. Nolan Lawless, thank you for geeking out with me about attachment and nonmonogamy. Our conversations and your insights have been important additions to my work.
To my ladies, Christy, Alexandra, Erin and Jessica. You have been my cheerleading team from the beginning of this process, both personally and professionally. Thank you for all of your encouragement and unwavering wholehearted support. Each of you means the world to me.
Finally, thank you to all of my clients. Our work together has been an enormous learning experience for me and I hope the insights that I’ve gained through our conversations will support everyone reading this book.
GLOSSARY
Compersion
The state of happiness, joy or pleasure that comes from delighting in other people’s happiness. In nonmonogamy, this term is more specifically used to refer to the positive feelings experienced when your lover is having a positive experience with one of their other lovers.
Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM)
The practice of having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners at the same time, where all people involved are awar
e of this relationship arrangement and consent to it. CNM can include, but is not limited to, polyamory, swinging, open marriage, open relationship, solo polyamory and relationship anarchy.
Metamour
Two people who share a partner, but are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. For example, if you have a partner who also has a spouse, you and their spouse would be metamours, or if you have a boyfriend and a girlfriend who are not involved with each other, the two of them would be metamours to each other.
Monogamy
The practice of having one sexual or romantic partner at a time.
Mononormativity
This term was coined by Pieper and Bauer1 to refer to the societal dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness and normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular and psychological narratives typically present monogamy as the superior, most natural or morally correct way to do relationships.
Polysaturated
The point at which the thought of another relationship leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited. When a polyamorous person has as many significant and insignificant others as they think they can handle at a given time.
INTRODUCTION
I’M WRITING THIS BOOK because I believe in love. Again and again, I have experienced the power of love to heal, to bridge, to connect and to awaken, as well as the trauma that ensues in its absence. In many ways my life is centered in not just believing in love, but in being love. That is, emanating love as best as I can, moment by moment, interaction by interaction. I am confident that many of you reading this also believe in love and that it is the desire to strengthen and deepen your love relationships that has led you to pick up this book.
My journey to writing this book officially began within the last year, but it really began 40 years ago, with my first attachment experiences as an infant and the multiple attachment ruptures that followed. A third-generation New Yorker, I grew up in the housing projects of Brooklyn in a neighborhood well-acquainted with violence and a family considerably impacted by multiple divorces, multi-generational traumas, sexual abuse, substance abuse, mental illness and interpersonal discord. These experiences had an impact that was challenging for many years, affecting all areas of my life, but they also created a powerful determination in me to not only thrive and be resilient in the face of my early childhood hardships but to also contribute to the healing and transformation of others who have been impacted by neglect, abuse, trauma and poverty. In wanting to understand how to heal the mind, body and heart, I began to study everything I could, from the spiritual to the academic. I devoted my life to the investigation of how we change, evolve and develop, how we can communicate healthily and effectively, how we can heal and become safely embodied in the wake of trauma, how we can unshackle our hearts from our survival-based reactivity and defenses, and how we can liberate our minds from bigotry, ignorance and internalized oppression.