by Derek Slaton
“Okay, wait a second,” the midget put his hands up. “Who blesses them?”
“Well sir, in addition to being the town’s handyman and gun dealer, I’m also the preacher that caters to this particular flock,” Zeke replied, hooking his thumbs into his suspenders.
“So, you do it.” TnT narrowed his eyes. “Come on, are you an actual priest or did you just get ordained through the back of a magazine?”
“Graduated from seminary school back in the 80s, came here to set up a church, and just never left.” Zeke shrugged. “I’m as legit as the Pope, just without them fancy hats.”
“What do you think?” Rose raised an eyebrow.
“I think at the very least it’ll hurt like hell, so anything else would be a bonus.” The midget grinned.
“I tend to agree.” She nodded.
“So, what are ya’ll huntin’?” Zeke leaned on the counter with a smile.
“Demons straight from the pit of hell that have arrived here to suck the very lifeblood from every last person in this town,” TnT replied conversationally, as if chatting about nothing stranger than the weather that day.
“Okay, well just remember,” the clerk said with a sly grin, “when you do shoot a liberal, bury ‘em deep ‘cause we don’t want no feds coming ‘round here and pokin’ about.” He winked, and Rose rolled her eyes. The midget tossed his agency card on the counter, a fancy number that didn’t break the code of secrecy but allowed them to stock up wherever they needed to.
“Just give us all the Holy Smokes you got and a semi-automatic shotgun with the highest capacity you’ve got,” he instructed, and Zeke saluted him, wandering off into the back room to gather their goods.
Rose crossed her arms. “Fucking small towns, man.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“How many shots do you have?” TnT asked as he opened the trunk, and Rose clipped an ammunition belt around her waist, slipping Holy Smokes in the shell holes.
“Sixteen,” she replied as she worked. “No matter how many of those fangsters are in there, I’m saving a few shots for Kyran. He’s far quicker than anything we’ve faced, and hopefully these will slow him down enough so that we have a chance.” The midget reached in and opened up the case that they’d rescued from the helicopter; Baptiste’s care package.
“Sweet mother of god,” TnT breathed, and reached in to lift up the holy grail within. It was a chainsaw nearly as large as him, with a golden handle and a very exciting extra feature. He laughed, guttural and low in his throat, increasing in volume to the point that Rose stopped what she was doing to see if he was okay.
His eyes were crazed, wide with maniacal power, and she raised an eyebrow.
“You may want to stand back,” he instructed, and she slipped behind the car, hands still full of shotgun shells, but intrigued to see what he was about to do.
TnT reared back and threw the chainsaw forward, the blade detaching from a gauntlet like a flying guillotine. He wound up his arm, swinging it like a lasso of death, and loosed it at a nearby tree, the blades studded along the chain slicing through a branch like butter.
The midget cackled loudly and hit the trigger on the gauntlet, retracting the chain so that the saw whipped right back into his waiting hand. He turned to Rose, whose jaw was practically on the cement road.
“I…” she croaked, and then cleared her throat. “I haven’t met Baptiste yet, but I get the sense I’d like him.”
“Oh yeah,” TnT purred, and stroked the golden handle with something akin to love. “This is pretty magical right here. I think Big Jim just became my favorite.” He let out a deep sigh of happiness and then peeked back into the trunk. “Oh yeah, where are those boots?”
Rose finished loading up her ammo, and reached in to grab a pair of black work boots that were outfitted with metal braces. She set them on the ground and TnT kicked off his shoes, stepping into his new duds. They tightened around his legs automatically, and there was a low whirr as they powered up.
“What are these supposed to do?” The redhead looked them up and down.
“He said they’d get me to decapitation level.” TnT shrugged. “So I guess I’ll jump?” He bent his knees and leapt off of the ground, and let out a roar of glee as he launched right over her head. She laughed as he hit the ground behind her, and his grin was wider than ever.
“Oh yeah, these will work just fine,” he said. She turned back to the trunk, and produced two UV syringes, slipping one carefully into the center back of her belt so that she could grab it quickly with either hand.
“Looks like we each get a shot at him,” Rose said as she handed one to him. “So what’s the plan when we go in there?” The safe house didn’t look out of place in this run down neighborhood, being just another abandoned house in the neighborhood.
“Two story large house.” TnT shrugged. “Those fuckers could be anywhere and we don’t have any idea how many of them there are. You take the left, I’ll take the right? Then we’ll meet up before tackling the second floor?”
“Works for me,” Rose replied, and cocked her shotgun with a sharp finality.
“Alright sister, let’s do it!” The midget smiled so big he showed teeth, and pointed at the house with Big Jim.
The windows were boarded up, possibly to protect from vandalism pre-vamp infestation, but most likely done by the vampires themselves. There was very little sunlight, which was jarring coming in from the beautiful sunny day, but the power was on at least so they could see without having to sacrifice a hand for flashlights.
Rose took the left, shotgun in front of her, combat boots moving soundlessly across the wooden floor. She stepped through a dilapidated doorway into a bare living room, peeling yellow paint with a broken table to the far left. The two vampires sucking face against the far wall turned towards her, malice in their eyes.
The lady vamp cocked her head. “What are you gonna do with that, little girl?” She purred. “Guns don’t do anything against us.”
“Let’s test that theory.” The redhead grinned and shot her vampire make out partner in the chest.
He screamed and immediately spewed a spray of blood all over the cream colored walls, falling to the hardwood floor in a heap. Within half a minute, his body melted from the inside out, and the lady vamp’s mouth dropped open in horror.
“Looks like your friend disagrees.” Rose sneered, and pointed the shotgun at her new target, very pleased with her Holy Smokes.
TnT strutted to the right of the front door, into a massive dining room. The table and chairs looked like they would have been expensive once upon a time, topped by an impressive chandelier that was somehow still shiny in all the desecration. There was a gaping hole in the ceiling, indicating something had smashed through, possibly recently if the fresh dust on the hardwood was any indication. Maybe the vamps had gotten rowdy with one another.
TnT walked further into the room, chainsaw idling. He knew with the vampire superior hearing that trying to be stealthy was useless anyway, he might as well have his piece raring and ready to go.
Three male vamps decked out in cliche leather outfits dove in from the gaping double doors on the far end, and the midget turned at the soft thunk of two females hitting the floor behind him, apparently from the hole in the ceiling.
“You guys look like an emo fucking biker gang,” TnT commented dryly, and one of the leather clad female vamps preened, as if he’d complimented her.
“What are you gonna do about it, little man?” One of the male vamps spat, spreading his arms, eyes blazing.
“I’m so glad you asked.” TnT smiled, the laugh that had bubbled up inside of him out in the street coming forth like napalm. The vamp’s expression flickered for a moment to worry at the maniacal look on this midget’s face.
He threw his arm backwards in a sharp arc, the chainsaw flying away from him. One of the biker chick vamps managed to duck in time, but the chain hit her girlfriend’s neck, the blades pinning her hand there as she tried to protect her
face. The first vamp leapt back to her feet, a triumphant grin on her face for ducking the projectile, but the centrifugal force of the spin caused the saw to fly clean around the second vamp’s neck and hit her right in the face.
The now chained vamp let out an angry shriek as her companion’s head fell to the floor, and TnT took advantage of her distraction to leap gracefully up onto the oak table. He flung the gauntlet as hard as he could, the force of the captive vamp flying towards her three compadres causing the chain blades to sever her head, blood squirting all over them as her body smacked the floor.
Rose fired at her own chick vamp, but the angry screaming demon managed to dodge the bullet and get up close and personal with her. The redhead flipped the shotgun in her hand and smashed the butt of it against the vamp’s face, shattering her jawbone. Her opponent shrieked and moved in with a quick uppercut, but Rose caught her arm with the gun and quickly flipped it back, blowing the vamp’s leg off at the knee.
As the bitch went down, Rose drew her machete and with a quick shink sliced the vamp’s head off, a slick line of blood joining the wall.
TnT spread his feet in a power stance on the table as one of the biker vamps jumped up to greet him, the other two circling the oak surface like sharks. The midget leapt forward, the boots propelling him into a perfect corkscrew, driving the chainsaw right through the vampire’s chest. He followed it right through to the other side in a firework display of blood, hitting the floor in a roll. He kicked off immediately, flying through the air to slice the vampire shell’s head off.
Rose trailed crimson footprints behind her into the back room, what looked like a trashed den with a giant hole in the ceiling. She slowly and carefully approached the closet at the far end, figuring that if any of the vampires were still sleeping then this would be a likely spot. She ripped the door open and leapt back, readying her shotgun, but there was nothing in there.
There was a thump behind her as a vamp flew down through the ceiling, and the redhead ducked just in time to avoid the embrace of death. She threw her weight into the vamp’s thighs, flipping him over her to tumble into the closet. Just as he sat up Rose shoved the barrel of the shotgun in his face, pulling the trigger to paint the closet a lovely shade of deep red.
TnT ran and launched into a front flip, loosing the chainsaw from the gauntlet to come down on top of one of the last two vampire’s heads. The blade cut clean down through the head, stopping mid chest. The two sides of his head flapped back and forth as the midget retracted the saw, using his considerable muscle to fling the corpse at the remaining vampire.
They collided as TnT dove from the table, spinning in a tight whirlwind to behead the remaining stumbling vamp.
“You okay?” Rose asked as she entered the room from the far door, having done a complete sweep of her side of the house.
TnT responded with a maniacal laugh, turning towards her with glee in his eyes, covered in blood from head to toe. “This shit is fucking amazing!” He bellowed, and she chuckled, shaking her head.
“Any sign of Kyran?” She asked.
“Not yet,” he replied, shaking his head.
A vampire suddenly dropped through the ceiling hole, and TnT glanced up to see another one squatting upstairs to watch the carnage. The midget grinned and shot the chainsaw up into him, retracting the chain and jumping at the same time in order to launch himself up to the second floor. He hit the vamp in the chest with his feet, toppling them both over to TnT could wrench the saw up through it’s head.
Rose took advantage of the distraction to blow the landed vampire’s head off, and looked up through the hole.
“Find some stairs,” TnT instructed as he kicked the newest corpse down through the hole. “I’ll start clearing them out up here!”
“On it,” Rose replied, and leapt down from the table to head towards the front of the house. The midget turned on his heel and headed into the first bedroom, a massive one with what looked like an ensuite. It was likely a master bedroom at one point, judging by the size and the broken down four poster bed in the corner.
Two jean jacketed vampires strolled out from the ensuite bathroom, wielding machetes and hungry grins.
“Looks like you boys have leveled up a bit,” TnT taunted. “Still not gonna be enough.” He flung Big Jim without any warning, but the first denim clad vamp was quick and deflected it with his machete.
The blade embedded itself in the wall, and he sliced down hard, managing to sever the chain from the saw. The midget’s blood boiled as the weapon went slack from the gauntlet.
“You. Mother. Fuckers.” He retracted the chain halfway and wrapped the rest around the gauntlet, making a deadly bladed fist. The vampires lunged for him, and he rolled to the side, managing to mangle one of their thighs in the process. He narrowly avoided machete swings, and leapt up with the aid of his boots to punch one of them in the face.
The blinded vampire swung wildly, and caught his partner in the head. TnT took advantage of the Stooges falling all over each other to leap and kick them both in their backs with his fancy boots. They flew into the wall as if they’d been launched from a catapult, and the raging midget snatched up his weapon from the wall and through both of their heads in one fell swoop. He revved the blade, redecorating the master bedroom in red and grey.
Rose reached the staircase and took them two at a time. As she reached the halfway point, an arm burst through the drywall and grabbed her throat in an iron grip. She shot it through the elbow, hearing a muffled cry through the wall. She smashed at the stump with the severed arm like whack-a-mole, aimed the shotgun through the hole and fired. At the sound of retching and squelching from the Holy Smoke, she continued barreling up the stairs.
TnT kicked open the doors to the back room, a wide open space that was empty save for the single chair against the far wall housing an extra dapper looking Kyran. The midget narrowed his eyes at the nearly seven foot tall behemoth of a vampire looming beside him.
“Kyran!” TnT snarled, and the vampire preened under the sound of his name.
“I must say, I am impressed,” Kyran said with a sinister grin. “In all of my years, I’ve only seen a handful of people that are capable of the pure delicious carnage you have displayed here today. I can’t think of another soul this century that has taken out as many of my creations as you have.” He put a delicate finger to his chin in mock thoughtfulness.
“Given that you’re old as fuck, I’ll take that as a compliment,” TnT replied.
“You should,” the vampire said jovially. “I’m so impressed, in fact, that I’m not going to kill you. Normally when people get bold and confront me, I peel the skin from their bodies while they’re alive… all the while asking them if they thought taking me out was worth it.” He spoke fondly of these memories, eyes glazed in happiness. “It’s a torturous exercise that can go on for days if I pace myself. But you, no, you are too talented to meet that fate. I think you would be better served as one of my personal bodyguards, like Ogre here.” He motioned to the hulking vampire next to him, and received nothing but a grunt from the beast in greeting. “You’ll have to excuse him, he’s spent the last few centuries guarding me while I sleep. Not having another living thing to converse with has detrimental effects on the brain.”
“Yeah, well, good luck with that, bud.” TnT started up his chainsaw with a whirr and roarrr, shooting a menacing grin at the enemy duo. Ogre chuffed like a horse and smacked one cement fist into his own hand, stepping forward with murder in his eyes. The midget met the gaze with his own maniacal eyes, lips curling up into a sneer.
Ogre’s head suddenly exploded in a fantastic fan of explosive flesh, and his body staggered a few more steps before keeling over in front of the unused chainsaw.
“Sorry I’m late,” Rose said from behind TnT, stepping through the dilapidated doorway.
“Ah, my Rose.” Kyran stood, spreading his arms like Jesus on the cross. “So good of you to make it in time for our big moment together.” The red
head scowled at him, and stepped firmly beside the midget, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder before assuming a battle ready stance.
“Looks like the lady has made her choice,” TnT smirked at the vampire.
“Rose, why would you give up this opportunity?” The pale dead man with the slicked black hair cocked his head, looking absolutely mystified as to why she would refuse him.
“You mean, why would I give up the opportunity to have a demon spawn rip its way out of my uterus? Why wouldn’t I want to spend the rest of my life in agony?” She raised an eyebrow. “Is it really that hard to figure out?”
“True, the birth would decimate you,” Kyran nodded thoughtfully. “But if you wish, I could be there for you, right by your side to bring you back. Think of it, you’d have eternal life.”
“As a mindless killing machine,” Rose snapped. “And not sure if you’ve seen my partner in action or not, but I don’t think eternity would last as long as you think it would.”