by Natalie Ann
“I didn’t know someone could scream that loud over being bumped into. Trust me, I’ll be watching my step going forward,” the clown said, rushing away with a Benjamin in his hand for his troubles.
Travis felt like a total idiot right now, but no one screamed like that unless they were in grave danger or terrified. It was just a reaction to protect her from whatever had frightened her. Little did he know it was going to be a child’s entertainment that would make her blow out his eardrums.
The crowd was thinning, but Ella showed no signs of calming down, so he gripped her chin in his hand and looked into her eyes. “Take a deep breath. In and out like yoga. Keep doing it and I’ll walk you to the car. Don’t focus on anything but following me and breathing.”
She nodded her head, then let him lead her through the mall and to her parked car.
She pressed a button and released the locks and, rather than climbing in the front, he pulled them both in the back so he could put his arms around her and calm her down.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I feel like an idiot.”
“Care to tell me what the hell that was about?” He was still trying to play it all back in his head.
“He just startled me,” she said quickly.
“All he did was bump into you,” he said. “I thought the guy was going to wet his pants when I lifted him in the air like that. I’m lucky security didn’t come running. How would I explain that my girlfriend was startled by a clown?”
She let out a laugh. Not a funny one either. “I’ve got a thing about clowns.”
“Gee. I would have never figured that out. What the hell happened to you for a clown to cause that reaction?”
“There are a lot of people afraid of clowns,” she said, leaning back now. The color was coming back to her face. Probably embarrassment more than anything.
Calm, cool, and collected Ella Fierce just screamed like a little girl in front of a crowded mall over a happy clown carrying balloons. He couldn’t help it and just burst out laughing.
“What the hell is so funny?” she said.
“You do realize that you almost broke glass with the pitch of that scream?”
“Ugh,” she said, burying her face in her hands. “If I’d seen him before he actually bumped into me it wouldn’t have happened like that.”
“What would have happened if you’d seen him first?”
“I would have turned in the other direction until he was gone.”
“I’ve got to know what caused that reaction.”
“I don’t want to tell you. It’s embarrassing. No one knows but Cade, Mason, and my mother.”
“Not Brody or Aiden?” He found that odd. “And could it be any more embarrassing than what just happening in front of a mall of strangers?”
She wrinkled her nose and narrowed her eyes. “No one knows but us four. My mother swore Cade to secrecy. Mason has never told a soul either.”
“It can’t be that bad,” he said.
“It is. Mason can’t stand clowns either. He wouldn’t let Jessica put them in the nursery and not even a stuffed one is allowed in the house for the babies either.”
“I’ve got to know. I’ll never tell a soul, you know that,” he said, grinning at her.
“I don’t think I want to tell you.”
“But you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” He could see it in her eyes.
“I feel like I’ve got to or you’re going to think I’m some lunatic.”
He smiled at her, his hand coming up and brushing a few stray hairs out of her face. Good thing she didn’t see how she looked right now with her makeup a bit smeared from pressing against his side and her hair messed up. She’d probably scream again.
“You’re the furthest thing from a lunatic I’ve ever known. Though you did give a good impression of one just now. Still, if you don’t trust me with it, I’ll understand.” He was good at keeping the hurt from his voice.
“It’s not a trust thing so much as it’s mortifying to me. It’s one of the most embarrassing moments in my life.”
“Just one of them?” he asked, teasing her.
“I’ve got a few from different points in time. Let’s say this is the first one in my life and it’ll never go away. It’s one of those things that just shapes us and then makes us cringe being reminded every time something triggers it.”
“Not if you keep it locked up like that,” he argued and wondered why he was pressing it so much when he had his fair share of issues locked up tight. If she told him this, would she want to know some of the things he was trying to hide?
“You promise not to laugh at me if I tell you?” she said.
“I promise.”
“And you’ll forget we had this conversation afterward. You’ll never say it to another person ever again. I’ll come hunt you down if you do.”
He leaned down and kissed her lips. “I promise, Ella.”
She took a deep breath. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this. I don’t even think Mason told Jessica. He always said he’d never tell a soul because it was more embarrassing for me, but just traumatized him too.”
“You don’t need to tell me, Ella,” he said, realizing that if her brother was protecting her and not even telling his future wife, then it had to be something that deeply affected Ella. Of course his eardrums could testify to how much she was affected.
“Yeah. I do. I want to and I’m not sure why I do.”
Because she did trust him and that knowledge was scarier than her reaction to the clown, but he couldn’t admit that.
“I’m ready when you are or you can stop at any point.”
“I’m just going to close my eyes so I can’t see if your lips twitch during the story. That might tick me off.”
The curiosity was really killing him now. “Whatever works for you, Ella.”
He watched as she closed her eyes. “I hated being the only girl of the Fierce Five. I always felt that everyone would think I was weak next to the boys. That they’d treat me differently when I just wanted to fit in.”
“Which is why you always had to be better than them, right?” he asked. He’d figured this much out on his own.
“Yeah. I was five years old and in kindergarten. It’s been so long, but I’ll never forget this day as long as I live. I’d come home from school and was sick. My mother wanted me to take a nap on the couch and I didn’t want to. I wanted to play with the boys.”
“Even if you were sick?” Guess she always had to muscle through everything even from a young age.
“It didn’t matter. I saw it as a weakness that I had to nap and Mason didn’t and Mason wasn’t feeling good either. Even as young as that I didn’t want to be excluded or looked at differently.”
“But you were different,” he argued. “You were the girl and they were boys.”
She popped one eye open. “Travis, don’t make me punch you in the arm.”
He let out a laugh. “I’m sorry. I bet Mason took a nap with you, didn’t he?” he asked.
“Yeah. He did. The two of us fell asleep on the couch and my mother covered us in a blanket. We had one of those big sectionals with the ottoman at the bottom and it was like a big bed to lie on. I was twisted on my side and Mason on his back. My head must have been facing up though. You ever get the feeling when you’re sleeping that someone is watching you?”
“Yeah,” he said. He learned to never fully fall asleep when he was on a mission. Then again, he was the eyes when everyone else was trying to sleep, but he never let his guard down.
“I just had this sense that someone was watching me and I opened my eyes a little. Standing over me was a clown. Or a mask of a clown. One of those really scary ones. White face, black lips and dark makeup around the eyes. And it was slowly inching toward my face with menacing eyebrows arching. I was still in a daze. I’d been in a deep sleep and was probably running a fever. Then a black hand came out with long black fingernails on it and started to reach for my face
. I just screamed and screamed and couldn’t stop. Even over my screaming, I could hear this wicked laugh behind the mask.”
“Who was in the mask?”
“Cade,” she said snarling. He was fighting to not grin and thankfully her eyes were still closed.
“The first time I screamed, it woke Mason up and he screamed because he was startled. Then he saw the clown, which had turned and reached for him. I think he screamed louder than me, but never say that. Well, you won’t because you know you need to forget we are having this conversation.”
“My lips are sealed,” he said. “So far this isn’t all that embarrassing.”
Her eyes were still closed and she took a deep breath. “I wet myself,” she said quickly, her breathing coming in fast. “And it got all over Mason. Then he screamed even louder.”
“Oh,” he said, knowing that even at that young of an age it would show a bigger weakness in her that she’d been trying to overcome. Any child that wet themselves in front of someone at five years of age would be traumatized, whether it was family or not.
“Yeah. My mother came running in the room and saw Cade there laughing hysterically. I was crying, Mason was crying. It took us both a bit to calm down. Mason thought he’d wet himself, that is why he was crying, then when he found out I peed on him, he was all grossed out and ran up to his room to change. To this day we’ve never talked about it. I’m not sure what was worse in his eyes, the thought he wet himself in fear or that his sister peed on him.”
Travis wanted to laugh, but couldn’t. He could see this whole situation playing out when they were kids. “What happened to Cade?”
“He was punished and I made everyone swear they’d never tell a soul or I’d haunt them forever. Neither one of them ever did.”
“But you’re telling me now?” he said softly, pulling her into his arms.
“Yeah. I am.”
“Thank you,” he said, kissing her on the forehead.
“Why are you thanking me?” she asked.
“Because you just made me smile.”
She pinched his arm and then laughed. He didn’t want to share with her that the weight holding him back for years was suddenly being lifted one pound at a time. That those years of telling himself he had nothing else left to put on the line in case he lost it was wiped away.
It wasn’t the time to say that. Not when they weren’t even spending full nights together.
Not when neither of them had expressed any deep feelings for each other.
Not even when they were both holding themselves back and knowing the other was doing it but pretending it wasn’t happening.
But actions speak louder and Ella just opened herself up in a way that should have scared him silly and but only made him want to hold her tighter.
So yeah, he was smiling because he was happy.
Share Something
“Tell me something embarrassing that happened in your life,” she said. “I just told you the most embarrassing thing ever, so the least you can do is share something with me.”
She still couldn’t believe she’d confessed that to Travis. Thinking about it was making her nervous and she really hoped he never told a soul.
“I honestly haven’t had anything quite that embarrassing happen to me, I’m afraid.”
“Great,” she said sarcastically.
He laughed. “Ella. I’m an only child. I’m sure if I had a sibling then maybe I’d have something else left to share, but I just don’t.”
“You were probably the biggest guy in your class and everyone had to be afraid of you. No one probably even picked on you as a kid.”
“Afraid not. But I wasn’t the biggest in the service. I guess if we’re sharing secrets, I can tell you there was a time or two that I was so exhausted physically and mentally during training that I might have wet myself. Maybe I did but was in the water and couldn’t tell.”
She saw the twinkle in his eyes. “Thanks for trying to make me at least feel better about it, but we both know that isn’t true. Everyone pees in the water if they need to at some point in their life. That’s not the same as being so scared you lose control of your bodily functions.”
“But you were five,” he said, “and you were scared. Would you like me to have some words with Cade about this?”
“No,” she said and slapped his arm. “First off, once we get out of this car the conversation we are having never existed. Second of all, I don’t need you dealing with my brothers for me. I can do it on my own. I have done it on my own for years.”
He smiled. “Which begs the question why you bailed him out in college his senior year like you said.”
She sighed. “Because as much of an ass as he’s been to me in life, he’s never done it to be mean but rather to be funny. He was trying to find his identity just like the rest of us. His was the ‘quote unquote’ clown of the family. And saying that makes me think I should be afraid of him, but I’m not.”
“Because in your own right, you’re stronger than him and you know. He knows it too.”
“I never thought of it that way,” she said.
Why hadn’t she thought of it that way before? Why did she have to be an adult and having this conversation with her boyfriend to realize that the person she’d said she was so scared of deep down was the brother she loved the most when he was acting out? The one she was probably the closest to. The one she might have had the most in common with.
“Maybe you should. Maybe you won’t be afraid of clowns anymore if you just tell yourself behind the mask is Cade.”
Shit. He was right. “I’ll think about it.” It was the best she could do at the moment. She wasn’t about to go find another clown and put it to the test though.
“Then can we go back in the mall so I can get my chocolate? I need it even more after this.”
“Yeah. You can buy me some too because I think I need it more than you want it.”
“I don’t know about that,” he said softly and she wondered what he was thinking of now.
***
What a day. He swore he lost a few years from his life when Ella screamed like that, then when she confessed her reasons, as much as he wanted to laugh, he just couldn’t.
He could see where she was fighting so hard as a young girl to stand out and be the strong one. Wetting one’s pants might be the worst possible thing to happen to her.
But in the scheme of life, worse things happened to people and he knew that for a fact.
After Ella and he had finished up shopping, he’d gotten his chocolate and hers. They went to dinner, then back to his place to fool around and she left.
He was lying in bed right now and wondered why he couldn’t ask her to stay or why she didn’t seem to want to spend the night with him.
He guessed she wasn’t ready for it, or maybe she was assuming he wasn’t. One of them had to take that first step and he just wondered when it’d be.
He fell asleep thinking of her as a teen, all strong and fierce—just like her name—and knew in his heart he’d have approached her back then in school. He wouldn’t have cared that she had four older brothers at all. They wouldn’t have intimidated him in the least.
But how many boys back then could have said that? Not many, he imagined.
The next morning, he did what he hadn’t done yet this week. He went to see his mother, hoping today would be a good day but knowing that might not be the case.
When he walked into his mother’s room early, his father was nowhere to be found. Part of him was happy to have this time alone, the other wouldn’t mind the moral support.
“Hi, Mom,” he said when he saw her in the chair looking out the window. Guess it was going to be a bad day. She was still in her pajamas when by now she’d normally have eaten, would be dressed and could be found watching TV.
“Well hello, young man. Aren’t you just a treat on the eyes.”
He laughed. He had to. She was at least talking, even if she didn’t know who he was.
“I thought you might like company today,” he said, pulling up a chair and sitting next to her. He’d spent years telling himself that he had to keep as much of the emotional out of it as he could. She couldn’t help the way she was right now and if he let it get to him every time he visited he’d only be making life even harder.
“I’m always up for some company. Though there is a nice man who comes and sits with me daily. I think his name is Ken. I’ve got a sweet spot for him.”
Travis felt his eyes itch and wished his father could have heard those words. “I bet he has one for you too.”
“You look so familiar to me. Have we met before?” she asked, her hand reaching out and touching his. Yeah, he might shed a tear before he left here. He couldn’t remember the last time his mother touched him physically. Maybe even emotionally at this point.
“We have,” he said, figuring he might as well be honest. Maybe it’d trigger a memory or so.
“I thought so. Did you used to mow the lawn at my house when you were younger?” she asked.
His heart raced a bit. “I did.”
“You didn’t like doing it either, did you?”
“Not at all.” He wasn’t sure if she really remembered that or was just lost in another memory.
“Want to know a secret?” she asked, leaning in.
“I do,” he said, giving her hand a little squeeze.
“I never liked mowing the lawn either. I always wanted to have a big strong boy to do those things for me.” Her smile dropped. “Were you that big strong boy of mine?”
“I was,” he said. This could be one of those good days if he let himself go and blocked out all the things his mother was forgetting.
“Are you a happy person?” she asked him.
He thought that question was odd, but nothing of this conversation was normal. “I’d like to think I am.” He remembered a time that was the truth. He’d lost a lot of it in the past few years giving up the career he wanted, losing the woman he loved, losing his mother who was staring at him now with a huge smile on her face but having no clue it was her son that she’d cared for and nurtured so long ago.