by Kelly Risser
I managed to survive both the service and the short prayer at Mom’s gravesite. I swayed a bit on my feet, feeling so tired. Most of the mourners had already left the graveyard. Evan went over to speak to his family and my grandparents. I stood next to Ula, who rubbed my back.
“Give me your bracelet,” she whispered.
“Why?” I asked. I knew it protected me, and I was reluctant to take it off, although the only Selkie I saw here was her.
“Trust me, Meara.” Her green eyes were solemn. I took it off and gave it to her. She closed her eyes and murmured. I couldn’t catch the words, but it was lyrical like a song or poem. She handed it back. “Put it on.”
When I reclasped the bracelet, I felt a surge of energy. It was like waking from a power nap without the bed head. “What did you do?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Shared a bit of my energy with you.” When I stared at her in awe, she laughed and hugged me. “You looked like you needed it.”
“I feel wonderful,” I admitted.
“Good.” Her eyes sparkled.
“Are you going to find my dad?” I asked.
She looked off in the distance. We couldn’t see the ocean from where we stood, but we could hear it, smell it, and taste it. My heart raced with longing. She turned back to me suddenly.
“You feel it, don’t you?” she asked. “The pull.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone…” She looked off again as her words faded.
“You won’t be,” I said. “I have my grandparents and Evan.” I touched her shoulder, and she turned back to me. “Go to him, Ula. He needs you. I don’t want him to be alone.”
She kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you again soon.” She started to leave, but turned back one last time. “You make him proud, you know.”
“Everyone’s leaving for the Inn,” Evan said as he returned to my side. He watched Ula walk away. “Where’s she going?”
“To be with my dad.”
“As in…?” His eyebrow rose in question. I knew he was wondering if they were going to Change. When I nodded, he didn’t say anything else.
“What do you want to do now?” he asked. “Do you want to meet up with everyone at the Inn?” Evan’s parents were hosting a luncheon.
“Can we go back to my place?” I asked. My voice was barely a whisper. I did not want to see another sympathetic face. “I…I just want to be alone…with you.”
“Sure,” he said. “Whatever you want.”
We walked silently to his car. He started it and put the radio on low. I stared out the window, grateful that he understood I wasn’t up for talking. I watched everything and nothing pass us by as he drove. The sky wasn’t clearing, but it hadn’t broke. The threat of rain hung in the air. Where would my dad and Ula go? What would they do? My thoughts slowed. The warm air from the heater sapped my energy, and my eyes grew heavy.
I woke to Evan touching my knee. “We’re back.”
I yawned and stretched. “Sorry I’m not much company.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said.
We got out of the car, and I let us into the house. I headed straight to my room, kicked off my heels, and pulled the pins out of my hair. I was numb, but at least here, when it was just Evan, I could breathe. He followed me back and sat on my bed, watching me but not saying anything. I sat down in his lap and wound my arms around his neck. At first, I just rested my head on his shoulder, grateful for his strength and support. After a while, I lifted my head and kissed him, lightly, but with growing need. I lifted one trembling hand and started to unbutton his shirt. He covered my hand with his and held it.
“Meara, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
I stood up and began to pace, my fragile nerves already stretched too far, frayed. I felt the sting of his rejection. “Why not?”
“You’re not yourself for starters. For Christ’s sake, you almost passed out a few hours ago. And, we’re not prepared, well, I’m not prepared with, you know…” He trailed off.
“You don’t have to worry about that,” I said. “My mom took me to the clinic a few months ago and got me the pill.”
He looked up at me, surprised. “She what?”
“She knew we were serious. I told her we hadn’t done anything, but she convinced me, ‘just in case’.”
Evan studied me with a slight crease between his eyes. Was he weighing my mood and wondering how much I would regret after? I wished he wouldn’t. I was sure of myself, sure of us. In this, I was absolutely certain. We had waited long enough. I needed sensation to fill the emptiness in my heart. I closed my eyes. I knew I would be begging, but I didn’t care. I was desperate to feel again, to be human and alive.
“Please, Evan? I can’t handle the numbness any longer.”
With my eyes closed, I leaned against the wall and let my head fall back. I waited, silent. Eventually I sensed, rather than heard, him move toward me. He stopped in front of me. He radiated warmth, and my fingers itched to touch him. I willed myself to stand still. The move was his. He bent his head and kissed one of my closed eyes, and then the other, trailing his fingers over my tear-dampened cheeks.
“Okay.” His voice was soft and firm. “Okay, Meara. If this is what you want.”
I opened my eyes to ask, “Don’t you?”
He laughed and pulled me into his arms. “More than you know, but I was respecting your decision to wait.” He moved back slightly and looked in my eyes. “I’m not convinced that this is the best timing.”
“I don’t want to wait anymore,” I whispered as I held his gaze. His eyes were dark with emotions that I couldn’t place, as deep and fathomless as the sea. “I’m not going to regret this.”
He stared at me. I must have looked convincing, because he sighed once before he leaned down and kissed me.
The desire and need I so carefully locked away broke free and overwhelmed me. I tangled my fingers in his hair, crushed his lips to mine, and pressed my body against his. My sudden, bold moves made him shudder in response.
I stopped thinking. I stopped hurting. I could only feel. Evan consumed my senses, and I couldn’t get enough of his lips, the feel of his skin, the urgent, yet gentle way his hands caressed my body. He stepped back toward the bed and fell with me in his arms. I lost track of everything that wasn’t him.