Her last comment landed a visceral blow. That dream was buried deep. When it shot to the surface, it shook him to the core.
“Matt?” She laid a hand on his arm. “Are you okay?”
He took a shaky breath. “Yeah, why?”
“The sound you made a second ago.”
“What sound?”
“A soft little groan. Like you were in distress.”
“Must have had a piece of apple stuck in my throat.” Lie if you have to, buddy.
“It wasn’t a something’s-stuck-in-my-throat noise.”
“Then it must have been a reaction to your depressing scenario.”
“Realistic, though.”
“Evidently you’ve thought this through.”
“I have. I’ve made the right choice. Six years ago, so did you.”
“I thought so at the time, but… I never dreamed you’d stop drawing.”
“It wasn’t just you.” She sighed and laid her head back. “That’s wrong. It was you.”
“I was afraid of that.”
“I had this naïve idea that we could live the perfect life—me sketching and you working with horses. When you said no, I saw no point in continuing with my art. That’s on me, though. And you fixed it a week ago by buying me a sketchpad and pencils.”
“Then you’ll keep drawing?”
“Yes. Thank you for that.” She turned her head to look at him. “Getting back to it has given me so much joy.”
“I’m glad. Really glad.”
“I’m in a better place than I was when I arrived. Locked and loaded to take on a job change. I’ve heard back from my top choice. They have an opening and I have an interview Monday.”
“Hey, that’s great news.” He hesitated. “How do you feel about keeping in touch by phone after you leave?”
“I’ve been thinking about that.”
“I want to know what happens with your job and how your drawing’s coming along, but—”
“You’ll miss me more?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m in the same boat. I want to know how everyone’s doing here, and whether Thunder is bringing in the money you hope he will, but on the other hand, talking, or even texting would stir up… everything.”
“I take it you’ve ditched the idea of coming back in the spring.”
“I have. I tossed that out as a possibility, but I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what it’ll be like, being back in L.A., not being able to see you every day.”
“I can tell you where I’ll be. In hell.” He turned down the ranch road. “But we’re not facing that yet. I vote we stop talking about it.”
“I second it. You have barn duty, right?”
“Yep.”
“I’d like to go with you.”
“You bet. I’ll be with Rafe this time. Nick’s helping Jake and CJ get ready for tonight’s dinner. They’re pulling out all the stops.”
“That touches me. I love those guys.”
“And they love you right back.” He did, too, but he couldn’t lump himself in with his brothers. His love for her was in a whole other category. A hopeless one.
Chapter Thirty
Lucy went to the barn with Matt, helped feed and paid extra attention to Lucky Ducky. She’d had to choose between another trail ride and a trip into town for sketches of the square. The chance to capture the square in winter had won out.
And she had a portrait of Orville, which her folks would love. That sweet old guy meant well. He just didn’t live in the real world.
After she, Matt and Rafe finished the barn chores, Matt dropped her off at her cabin and he went to the bunkhouse to clean up for dinner. She did the same.
Kate walked from the dining hall to her cabin at seven and Matt picked them both up. Rafe hopped out of the back and helped Kate in.
“This is such a treat,” Kate said as she snapped on her seatbelt. “I love it when somebody else cooks.”
Lucy turned to glance at her. “You must get tired of it after a while.”
“Not tired, exactly. I love cooking. But it’s nice to take a break from making decisions about what to serve and how to prepare it. Jake has this meal under control and I don’t have to think about making choices.”
“Choices are hard,” Rafe said. “I read somewhere that having too many options causes stress.”
Matt drove away from the cabin. “So does having too few. Or none.”
Maybe he wasn’t referring to their situation, but his clenched jaw said he likely was. If Rafe and Kate hadn’t been sitting in the back seat, Lucy would have reached over and squeezed his arm as a gesture of understanding. But they were, so she didn’t.
Lights blazed in the first-floor windows of the ranch house. Jake’s truck was parked on the right side of the house and Matt pulled in beside him.
“Leo’s coming, right?” Rafe asked.
Matt nodded. “He had an errand in Great Falls. He’ll be here.”
Lucy glanced at him. “I’m still confused as to why you’re all throwing me a party. I love it, but it’s not like I’m a regular part of the group.”
Rafe chuckled. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No!”
Matt looked at her. “You won Henri’s heart a long time ago.”
“That’s for sure,” Rafe said. “The first summer I worked here, Henri took me aside before you and your parents arrived. She explained that you’d been coming here since you were four, and you were special to her and Charley. She didn’t make that speech about any other guest.”
“I didn’t know that. Now I feel like a total jerk for staying away for so long. I knew she liked me, but I didn’t….” She sighed. “I should have come back sooner.”
“Don’t beat yourself up,” Matt said. “You’re here now.”
But she had no firm plans for coming back.
“Hate to sound like Nick,” Rafe said, “but I’m starving.” He opened his door and let in a blast of cold air. “Kate, if you’ll stay put, I’ll come around and help you out.”
“What if I just scooch over to your door?”
“Works even better. Let’s eat.”
“We’ll be right behind you,” Matt said.
Rafe helped Kate down and the two of them started toward the house.
Lucy looked over at Matt. “I didn’t factor in Henri.”
“Neither did I. Should have. She’s always loved you, but this visit…”
“I see that, now. We became family. She even suggested becoming my honorary great-aunt, although she wants to be the younger and cooler one.”
He smiled. “As you can tell, she loves adopting people she cares about.”
“And I’m honored she feels that way about me. I want to nurture that bond.”
“Then do it. We’ll… we’ll figure something out.”
“Right.”
“But not tonight.” He opened his door. “I’ll come around.”
“Okay.” She’d been distracted when she’d left her cabin and hadn’t brought her gloves. Matt took her hand and threaded his gloved fingers through hers. Once she was out of the truck, he tucked both his hand and hers into his jacket pocket.
The intimate gesture thrilled her. For one more night, she had this wonderful man to love. She’d count her lucky stars.
Henri, Millie, Jake, CJ and Nick had decorated the dining room. Rainbow crepe-paper streamers looped from the wagon-wheel chandelier over the large round table to the corners of the room. A We’ll Miss You! banner hung on one side of the room and a Come Back Soon! banner draped the facing wall. Candles flickered on the table and one chair tied with many colored ribbons was obviously intended for her.
Leo arrived and the party kicked into high gear. Everyone but Lucy picked up their food in the kitchen, where Jake ladled steaming chuck wagon stew into large bowls and CJ dished coleslaw into smaller ones. Nick brought out fragrant baskets of garlic toast and set them on the table.
Lucy wasn’t allowed to lift a finger. Food was delive
red to her place and hard cider was poured into her mug. The meal began with several toasts and ended with large slices of apple pie from Gertie’s.
Surrounded by smiling faces and goodwill, Lucy promised to come back in the spring. Henri’s delighted expression was her reward. Beneath the table, Matt squeezed her hand.
The evening wound down at last, and countless hugs were exchanged near the front door. Jake and crew stayed behind to clean up but they shooed Matt and Lucy home, along with Rafe and Kate.
Filled with gratitude, Lucy struggled to find the words to express it. Eventually she settled for more wordless hugs, and they seemed to work just fine.
Matt dropped Kate at the small cottage she shared with Millie and took Rafe back to the bunkhouse. When he pulled up in front of Lucy’s cabin, he turned to her. “This is it.”
She gulped. “Sure is.”
“I want to work out a plan before we go in there. I’d like to behave like a civilized human being for a change.”
She struggled to get a grip. “You’ve been pretty civilized. You never once dragged me to the bed by my hair.”
He smiled. “You know what I mean. I want to go slower, pay more attention. I haven’t pulled that off yet and if not now, when?”
“Guess so.” Our last night. “I think frustration makes us rush. We go in wearing all this stuff—coats, hats, boots. Especially boots. Let’s get rid of those fast. Then we’ll slow down.”
“You’re right. I wish we’d figured this out days ago.” He sighed. “But then I wish a lot of things.”
“We still have tonight.”
“Yes, we do.” He took a shaky breath. “And I have something to say before we go in. I might forget myself and say it while we’re having sex. And I don’t want you to think that’s why.”
Her chest tightened. “Okay.”
“I’m in love with you.”
She began to quiver. “Matt, I—”
“Let me finish. I’ve been in love with you since I was seventeen. Over the years it’s only gone deeper. After this week, I can’t imagine loving another woman the way I love you.”
She struggled to breathe. “Oh, Matt. You will find someone who—”
“I don’t believe that. But I hope you’re right, because I’ve accepted the reality that we’ll never be together. I wasn’t going to tell you how much I love you.” He dragged in another breath. “But that seems wrong. I didn’t say it six years ago. I’m saying it now.”
She forced the words through her aching throat. “I love you, too. So much it hurts.”
“I know. That’s what makes this so hellacious. You were supposed to get married a week ago and put an end to the misery. Instead…”
“This happened.”
“I refuse to be sorry, or apologize.”
“Me, too.”
He turned away and put a hand on the door handle. “Let’s go in.” He paused. “I’m serious about taking it slow. I want to cherish this last night.”
“We will, Matt. I promise.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Undressing Lucy. Matt would never have this privilege again. When she came back, the rules would change. They had to. Neither of them could keep this up.
They’d ditched their hats, coats and boots. Taking her hand, he walked with her toward the bed. Her breath came fast, little puffs of air that signaled heat and passion. The sound always ramped him up. Making love to her in a rush kept him in his body, didn’t let him get into his head.
This time he’d be in his head and his body. He’d give her everything he had.
She wore one of the blouses she’d modeled for him during their clothes-shopping spree, a blue silky number that matched her eyes. When she’d come out of the changing room, she’d dazzled him with her beauty, but he’d kept his comments bland.
He undid the pearl buttons at her wrists and worked his way down the row in the front. “When you tried this on, I said you looked nice.” He slipped the last button free and glanced up. “I was holding back.” He slid the blouse over her shoulders and met her gaze. “You took my breath away. I ached. All I could think of was holding you, loving you.”
Her eyes glowed. “And I desperately wanted to be held.”
“I don’t want this special blouse to end up on the floor.” He carried it to the straight-backed chair that flanked one side of the table by the window and draped it over his jacket.
When he turned around, she held out her hand. “My turn.”
God, she was beautiful. Pain sliced through his chest. Our last night. He closed the distance between them and stood as still as possible considering he was shaking.
She undid his cuffs. “I love how you look in these shirts.” She lifted her gaze and began unfastening the row of snaps, moving as slowly as he had. “Every time I see a Western shirt, I think of you, how you fill out the shoulders, how it molds to your pecs.” She pushed it off his shoulders. “I don’t want this on the floor, either.”
When she walked away, he fought the urge to grab her arm and tell her to drop the shirt. Instead he waited until she stood before him again. “My turn.” His voice was hoarse with impatience and he took another breath. “This is tougher than I thought.”
“Want to forget the plan?”
“No.” He reached for the metal button of her jeans. “I want to remember every moment. When we rush, it all blurs together.” He pulled down the zipper and crouched in front of her so he could slide the jeans over her hips. “I want to remember that when I take these off, you always catch your breath. And that your scent drives me wild.”
She stepped out of the jeans. “Don’t worry about these.”
“Okay.” He rose to his feet, breathing hard, wanting her with a fierce ache that grew stronger by the second.
She kicked her jeans aside. “My turn.” Tugging his T-shirt from the waistband of his jeans, she shoved it up over his pecs. Then she paused.
“Lucy?”
“Just looking at you.” She swallowed. “Matt, you’re… so…” She let go, backed away and ducked her head. “You’ll need to lean over so I can take it off.” Her voice sounded funny.
“Are you crying?”
“No.”
Reaching out, he tilted her face to his. Tears ran down her cheeks. “Oh, Luce.” He pulled her close.
She lay her wet cheek against his bare chest and sniffed. “It’s just that I love you.”
He held her and stroked her back. “Maybe it’s time to climb in bed.” When she nodded, her cheek rubbed against his chest hair and his jeans began to pinch. “We made a good effort.”
“Uh-huh.” She lifted her face and blinked back the tears. “I’ll finish my stuff if you’ll finish yours.”
“Deal.” He let her go and pulled off his T-shirt while she unfastened her bra. “Just because I’m not doing that doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention.”
She gave him a watery smile as she tossed away the bra. “Same here.” She slipped out of her panties, threw back the covers and climbed into bed. “Besides, I love watching you strip off your jeans and briefs all at once.”
“Then here you go.” He unhooked his belt, unfastened his jeans and unzipped. In seconds, he was naked.
“So dramatic.”
“Just for you.” He stepped toward the bed.
“Oh.” She sat up and reached for the handle on the drawer. “You’ll need a—”
“Let me get it. I want to choose.”
She settled back onto the pillow.
Sorting through the packets of gold foil, he found the one he wanted, tore it open and rolled on the condom.
She made room for him and he slipped in beside her. Moving over her, he leaned down for a long, salty kiss. He poured all the love in his heart into that kiss. And he drank deeply of the love flowing from hers.
Slowly, gently, he probed her entrance and slid inside. The ultimate connection. Lifting his head, he met her gaze and found all that he’d ever longed for reflected there.
>
She wrapped him in a warm embrace. “What did you choose?”
“Forever Yours.” And he began to move, sealing that pledge with every stroke.
Her eyes glistened with more tears as she rose to meet him. As her climax neared, she opened to him more fully, more eagerly than ever before.
He gasped at the wonder of it. “Lucy, you’re—”
“Giving you all I have. Everything I am.” Her expression grew radiant and her eyes glowed with blue fire. “Forever yours, Matt. Forever…” Moaning softly, she arched against him. “Yours.”
As her undulations rolled over his throbbing cock, he surged forward, connecting with her as he never had before. His climax enveloped him in a tidal wave of sensation. The boundaries between them disappeared. Lucy.
* * *
Matt woke early and dressed in the dark. They’d only made love once.
When he’d come back from the bathroom after their epic experience, Lucy had cupped his face and murmured we’ll never top that. He’d said then let’s not try. After setting his alarm, he’d gathered her close and they’d slept.
Although he was dressed, he couldn’t go anywhere. She was depending on his alarm to get her up in time to be ready for Henri. He walked over to the chairs by the fireplace. Good place to wait.
“I’m awake.”
He returned to the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. “Good morning.”
She reached for his hand. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“I’m changing my plan.”
He sucked in a breath.
“Oh, Matt, not that plan.” She tightened her grip. “I’ve changed my mind about going to the barn this morning.”
“But you’re still leaving.”
“Yes.”
His gut twisted. “I guess I thought maybe, after…”
“What happened last night was… I’ve never felt so…”
“Loved?”
She nodded. “Loved and loving.”
“I know.”
“It makes leaving much harder.” She swallowed. “I’m not sure I can handle going through the normal chores at the barn.”
“Okay.” That searing blast of hope followed by despair had left its mark. But it was only a preview of what lay ahead. Better to get used to the pain. “Then I’ll pick you up here at ten-thirty.”
Sweet-Talking Cowboy (The Buckskin Brotherhood Book 1) Page 17