“Thanks, Diane. I feel like that too, but it is nice to hear you say it. Especially since you suck at lying, so I’d know if you were.” Diane laughed as she nodded her head in agreement.
“Well, let me know how it goes. Now, come watch this episode that I DVR’d. Apparently Suzanne is finally going to find out if she was actually switched at birth…” Diane had moved on and I had to laugh. Her love of soap operas was one that I couldn’t relate to, but I didn’t mind a good hour of Diane time where we just got to sit around and make fun of stuff together.
By the time that I left, I wondered if I could actually do this whole party thing. Of course, right before she shut the door, Diane said, “Rachel would think this was a terrible idea.” Then she laughed and closed it in my face. I stuck my tongue out at the undeserving door and went home.
✧✧✧
By some miracle, Kara was free tonight. She’d been a little weird at first, like she didn’t know if she was breaking some kind of healing “rule” by agreeing to go, but I finally convinced her that it was fine.
“Wait, so you want to hang out with me…outside of the house? And go to a party?” She was acting like I was tricking her or something, to the point that I was waiting for her to ask me if Rachel had given me permission for this.
“It’s not really a party…I don’t think. Actually, I have no idea what it is. My friend invited me, and I thought maybe I would stop by. It just felt better to have some back up, and who better to ask than you?” I was appealing to her ego, I knew, and I was definitely not going to mention that it had been Diane’s idea. Kara had weird feelings about Diane; like, she was appreciative that Diane had played a roll in my recovery that Kara hadn’t been able to, but she was also jealous that Diane had played a role in my recovery that Kara hadn’t been able to. More than once I had reassured Kara that Diane was just a support and a friend, and that no one could replace my sister when it came to important people in my life. I was pretty sure that she still harbored conflicted feelings about it, but she stopped mentioning it once Mom had voiced similar concerns. The last thing that Kara wanted, was to sound like our mom.
“Ok, I can do that. What should we wear?” Apparently, Kara was in. And I couldn’t believe that she had just asked me that. How should I know?
“Um, I don’t know. He called it a ‘thing’ that his friends were throwing…”
“He?” I guess I hadn’t mentioned Harrison in my whole attempt to convince her to come with me.
“My friend Harrison, from school. He’s pretty chill so I’m guessing that so are his friends?” Kara looked disappointed, and I suspected that the reason behind her disappointment was that tonight wasn’t involving someone named Charlie.
“Ok…how come I didn’t know about this guy?” Kara was suspicious and possibly secretly hurt, but she and I weren’t the same sister-friends that we used to be. I was working on it, and I hoped that one day we’d be closer in resemblance to how we were, but I had a lot of stuff that I was working on, so things took time.
“Well, he’s not a guy, he’s a friend, and I just met him this semester. And, I don’t know, he’s not like that important in my life…” Because Harrison wasn’t. But his representation of my ability to form new relationships was, which was the whole impetus behind this whole deciding to go thing. I knew that it wasn’t that important to Harrison if I came, but it was important to me that he’d considered even inviting me, even if it had been spur of the moment, so I was going for me, not really for him.
I was pretty sure that Harrison wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t come. But that wasn’t what this was all about. This was about my journey to wellness, and understanding that I’d never heal if I didn’t make an effort in all avenues of my life.
“Fine. I’m gonna go get ready, then,” was all Kara said, which totally translated into ‘I’m mad at you for not telling me about this “friend,” but I’m going to pretend like I’m not because I am easy going.’ Which Kara was so not. Just ask James. I pretended like I wasn’t still versed in ‘Kara,’ and didn’t respond, simply watching her walk out of the room before starting to get ready as well. Here we go...
My dark hair wasn’t too crazy, so I pinned it up on the sides. Then upon surveying my reflection, I decided that it was too much face, so I took out the pins. Then I said screw it to myself and pinned it back up. And then there was no going back because twice pinned hair would never lay flat and behave again, so I was stuck. I swept a little sparkly shadow across my lids and added a layer of mascara, before slicking on some gloss that I hoped made it look like I wasn’t trying too hard.
Having settled on jeans and a black tank, I figured that with a black leather jacket and some black ankle boots, I looked pretty good. Casual enough, without being too casual, and the jacket covered my scarred arm. Maybe if it was hot and darker inside, I’d take off the jacket, but we’d see. Deciding that I passed my own inspection, I went out and knocked on Kara’s door.
James let me in, and for a second I wondered if he was going to be joining us. Which would have been fine. Maybe I’d look like I had two friends, I joked to myself. This whole pretending that I had friends thing was getting a little pathetic.
“I hear that the Warren Sisters are hitting the town,” he said, with a little smile on his face. I knew that James was thrilled with this situation; I wondered sometimes if he was sadder about the loss of closeness that Kara and I had suffered more than Kara was herself. James was a gentler soul than my sister, he felt things deeply, which was a main reason why he and I had suffered a similar estrangement. I loved James for what he provided my sister, I envied their commitment, but it was also for these same reasons that I’d had to erect something of a wall between us.
“I guess we are. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say town…more like hitting a house party?” I wasn’t even sure what we were hitting, and I was actually hoping that it would be more like a gentle tap, but I appreciated James’ excitement for us, so I was willing to play along.
“You look cute, Cass,” Kara commented, taking in my look and approving. She’d chosen a similar idea, except no jacket with her white halter, which was picked up on by her white ankle boots. Stepping up beside her in the full length mirror, I knew that from the outside we looked like we went together. We didn’t resemble each other except in piecemeal, but we looked like two girls who belonged in each other’s company. I suspected that Harrison was going to have a field day with this.
Smiling at Kara in the mirror, I felt happy that she’d decided to accompany me. We didn’t have the same relationship that we used to, but we both had the memories of our old life together in our hearts. I was tired of reflecting on what I’d lost from my old life, it was time to start building fresh memories from my new one.
“We look good, don’t we, James?” Kara fished, but we both knew the answer to her question. We did look good, and since James only had eyes for Kara, his small smile that was battling sadness made me understand how poignant this moment was for him.
“Always,” he answered.
“You have the address?” Kara asked me, and I nodded before leaving to meet her downstairs. I let the couple say their goodbyes, knowing that James would probably be here when we got back, both to welcome Kara and be able to rest assured that we’d gotten home safely. James didn’t live with us, technically, but he probably should have. He’d save a lot on rent for an apartment that he rarely saw.
Since my mom was mysteriously absent, I suspected that Kara had tipped her off and asked (read: demanded) that she make herself scarce. The two were always secretly plotting ways to keep me from being upset, and although it pissed me off to be treated like a child, it actually worked out in my favor more often than I cared to admit. Plus, the whole thing was pretty rich since Kara pretended like she was nothing remotely similar to my mom, and would never be in cahoots with her, and yet they were actually scarily alike. I kept this observation to myself, naturally.
✧✧✧
<
br /> We’d pulled up to the house that Harrison had texted me the address to, and Kara had already unbuckled her seatbelt and grabbed the door handle before she realized that I was sitting there frozen.
“Cass?” Kara’s tone exposed her concern, clearly reconsidering her decision to join me for this excursion. I knew that Kara was assuming that I was having an episode, or at the very least, had changed my mind. Which I had, like ten different times on the drive over, one we’d made in almost silence. Kara had finally just turned up the music, after multiple failed attempts at conversation. I felt bad about it, but I couldn’t use my energy on small talk with my sister when it was taking all that I had to convince myself that I could do this.
I’d already game planned ways to avoid accidentally bumping into people (keep my back to a wall), ways to make a quick exit (don’t venture too far into the house), and excuses to leave (I had to feed my cat…or walk my dog…I hadn’t decided which I would go with). I’d also figured out that if I kept my phone in my back pocket, it would be more easily accessible than if it were in my purse. And, I’d brought my own bottle of water, knowing that I could trust its origin and trust its ability to soothe me. Finally deciding that I had as many contingency plans as possible, I took a minute to just breathe, closing my eyes and focusing on the rhythm. Opening my eyes, I flipped the visor down and re-applied my lip-gloss before turning to Kara, who was now just staring at me.
“Ok. I think I’m ready.” I nodded at her, noticing how Kara seemed to visibly relax, and making myself acknowledge that I was lucky to have her, lucky that she was invested in my well-being. Kara came around the car to my side, presumably planning to follow my lead, seeing as this was my friend’s (friends’) party. I had kind of hoped she’d just barrel her way on in and I could slink in behind her, but I knew that this was ridiculous and the opposite of the goal that I was trying to achieve.
Cass had a friend who had invited her out. Cass had someone who marginally cared that she might want to have a good time, and Cass had to take the lead here. I could do this. Walking up to the house, which was brightly lit and had music coming from it, loud enough to be heard outside but not so booming as to make a neighbor call the cops, I knew at least that we were in the right place. I was comforted that the door was closed, because at least that meant that there weren’t so many people expected as to require an open-door welcoming.
Looking at Kara when we got to the door, I whispered, “What do I do?” Kara bit back her laugh and then reached out and tried the door. It was unlocked, so she gave it a push, and then gave me a gentle nudge so that I was forced to enter as the door opened. What a bitch!
Somehow not stumbling, and instead by some miracle managing to step fairly nonchalantly into the house, I wondered if it would all be downhill from that. Only I would use up my allotment of luck in the first 30 seconds. Realizing that Kara’s near silent hiss meant keep moving so that she didn’t crash into me from behind, I took another somewhat slow step inward, assessing my surroundings as I did.
Huh. So this was what the fuss was about. I felt myself relax a teeny tiny bit, as I absorbed the atmosphere. There were more people than I expected, but not as many as I’d feared, so I viewed that as a win. Most were standing in small clusters holding drinks and talking, some were swaying to the hiphop music that was bumping, and a few were sort of just lounging on the couches and chairs in the living area. It wasn’t an especially well ordered area in terms of furniture, and being open concept, what I assumed was the living room and dining room flowed together pretty seamlessly, but that could have been purposefully achieved for the party. Or, these people just didn’t have a lot of furniture. Either way, I hadn’t come to brush up on my interior design skills, so I forced myself to redirect my attention away from the inanimate objects and toward the humans in the room(s).
Glancing around, I tried to make it look like I was just checking out the scene, instead of frantically cataloguing places where I could stand that would be separate from people, but not awkwardly solitary. I wanted to blend without actually interacting too much, at first. I needed to ease my way into this, or I’d be pulling a Diane and bouncing in ten. Five, if my heart had its way, based on its frantic beating in my chest. Huh, I guess I did still have a heart, I joked with myself and then practically groaned aloud for doing so. Who comes to a party and cracks a joke to themselves? Especially a very unfunny and somewhat painfully delivered one?
Kara was doing as I was, except for the fact that she actually was just easing herself into a party scene. I hoped that I looked as practiced as she did, but I was pretty certain that I stood out like I’d shown up wearing a name tag that said, ‘Awkward.’ Trying to get my bearings, I only heard my name belatedly, being cued in by Kara’s abrupt turning of her head as she cut me a look.
“Cass? Crazy.” Harrison had materialized, shockingly wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. And black motorcycle boots. I pressed my lips together to hold in a laugh. Something about his never changing wardrobe put me more at ease.
“Hey, Harrison,” I said, hoping that I didn’t sound as uncomfortable as I was feeling, highly aware that a whole room of people were now staring at us. Maybe they were just staring at Kara.
“Harrison? Who are these ladies?” A guy asked loudly, not like he was bothered by our arrival, but like he was very pleased with it. Yes, definitely staring at me…or us, at least. I reminded myself of how Kara and I had looked as we’d stood together in her mirror, and understood on some level that we were a striking pair.
“Shut up, Jorge.” Harrison didn’t even look behind him as he said this, still looking at me, then Kara, then back to me. He didn’t give much away as to what he was thinking, but that was pretty standard for Harrison. Usually, it was because he wasn’t thinking a whole lot that was sticking around to dwell on.
“Well, glad you made it Cass. Didn’t think you would…” Harrison just shook his head and then turned his attention to Kara.
“My private charter fell through,” I said and Kara looked at me like I was crazy. Luckily, Harrison just laughed. “This is Kara,” I tacked on, realizing that Kara was definitely expecting an introduction. “Kara, this is Harrison.” Harrison stuck his hand out to my sister who lightly grasped it in a lady-like shake, acting like this was all totally normal. Maybe it was, what did I know?
“Harrison?” Jorge had piped up again.
“Guys, this is my friend Cass, and…Kara.” Harrison looked like he’d momentarily forgotten my sister’s name, which was hilarious to me since I knew that it had probably pissed her off. Whatever. I was much more focused on Harrison referring to me as his friend. Ha! Take that, Rachel! Returning his attention to us, Harrison said, “Well, come on in. There are drinks in the kitchen,” he added, although I saw him glance at the water bottle in my hand before continuing, “and everyone is just chilling so make yourselves at home.” He shrugged like he felt weird doing a whole routine when I knew that most people just came in and knew all of this, turning to go sit on a couch next to some guys.
Thankfully Kara came to my aid, lightly grabbing my arm and walking us into the kitchen. Kara knew that I didn’t drink alcohol; I couldn’t, it was contraindicated with my medications, and I didn’t, because it was contraindicated with my mental state. I could never allow myself to not be fully cognizant of my surroundings and environment. I needed as much control as I could conjure, in this world of chaos that we lived. But Kara drank, and I also suspected that she just knew that we were expected to hit the kitchen upon entering the ‘party.’
I also suspected that she understood that it would give us a little break from our audience, and for me to have a moment to get collected. I was really glad that she’d come with me. Had I been here alone, things would have been a lot more stressful. I sent a silent thanks to Diane for her brilliant suggestion.
“Ok, so I’m going to have a beer. You can drive us home, right?” Kara asked, knowing the answer to her question and not waiting for a response,
as she grabbed a bottle from the fridge and an opener off of the table. Popping the top and taking a moderately deep swig, she then looked at me. Oh great. So much for her being a guiding force.
I wasn’t even sure whose house this was, but it was clearly one inhabited by young people. I thought of my earlier observation in the living room and settled on: just didn’t have a lot of furniture. Which was fine, and made the kitchen seem to make more sense. It was messy but not dirty, but there was definitely a haphazardness that characterized the place. The kitchen had a simple table with four chairs, two of which had been pushed against a wall to allow access to the bottles of alcohol and mixers that were laid out, and what was probably once a bucket of ice but now looked like a bucket of water. Plastic cups and plastic shot glasses were stacked next to the beverages, and there was even a little bowl of sliced limes and a salt shaker. I guess the hosts were dedicated to their craft.
The outside of the scuffed fridge was crowded with magnets, pizza coupons, and what looked like a parking ticket. The sink was clean and empty, but the drying rack next to it still retained the last round of dishes that had been washed. The linoleum floor was dingy but looked clean, and I felt myself appreciating the sheer normality of this no frills kitchen.
“So that’s Harrison, huh?” Kara asked, obviously giving up on waiting for more to base her assessment on.
“Yeah, he’s in my group at school.”
“With Charlie.”
“Right.” Never must we forget about Charlie…as if I could.
“And…?” Kara looked at me expectantly, and I wasn’t sure what she was expecting me to say.
“And…? I dunno, Kar, he asked if I wanted to come, since we’d finished our project, so it was like a relief or whatever, and I just thought it might be a good idea…for me.” Was I rambling? Not my style, unless it was internal rambling. I guess I was still trying to find solid footing.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 16