“You can have whatever you want,” I added, because I didn’t care, and if she could wear it, all the better. Most of the things were going-out clothes that I assumed I wouldn’t have a use for, for like the next thirty years. Plus, since I’d stopped running, my body type had changed a bit; I wasn’t as muscular and I’d developed a more delicate stature, so some of the clothes didn’t even fit correctly anymore.
“Thanks. But I would have taken it anyway,” she said, with a smile. Then her smile kind of disappeared and made me worried about the real reason that she was here. Not wanting to rush bad news, I just sat on my knees and stared at her. “Yeah, so anyway, I wanted to talk to you.” Not a good sign. “So remember how I’d thought that Charlie’s name sounded familiar?” I’d kind of forgotten, so I just shrugged. That whole experience had been so out of the ordinary for us and my mom, there had been a lot going on for me. “Well, it’s been kind of in the back of my mind…and I think I remember now. It’s just…” Kara kind of sat there looking at me, like she didn’t know how to proceed…actually, like she didn’t want to proceed, and I felt a dread begin to wash over me. The kind of feeling that was an evolutionary holdout, where your body knew something before your mind did, and it wasn’t good. Since I wasn’t great at conversation already, and I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to hear what Kara had to say, I didn’t prompt her.
“Cass? It’s just, I remembered…well, I had this girlfriend in college, really pretty, her name was….is, I guess…Carla, and she had this trouble senior year. She’d met this guy, and she really liked him, but then it didn’t work out. He was like so cute and polite and smart…anyway, it started out really good but I guess it didn’t work out…” Kara trailed off after repeating herself. I wasn’t exactly sure what this had to do with me. “So Carla kind of had a hard time getting the message across. Like, this guy didn’t want her to end things, I guess. Which isn’t uncommon, I know. That stuff happens all the time. But then it got kind of…weird. The guy wouldn’t leave her alone, he kept trying to get back together with her.”
“Are you guys still friends?” I asked, hoping it might redirect Kara and help get to what this had to do with me.
“Not really, we kinda lost touch. But the point of this, Cass…well, so Carla had a really hard time getting him to understand that she wasn’t interested. And like, the more she spelled it out for him, the less he seemed to hear her. It was like she became a challenge or something, I don’t know, we weren’t that good of friends so this was all sort of going on but I didn’t know that many details. So, he sort of became like a clinger, I think. At least that’s how it seemed, and a couple of times he just ‘happened’ to be where we’d be studying or hanging out. Carla didn’t seem to think that it was a coincidence, but it also seemed like it just as easily could have been….” Kara trailed off again and if she’d gotten to the point, I’d missed it.
“That’s…interesting,” I supplied, vacillating between annoyance and patience.
“Sorry. This just is weird and probably irrelevant, but James made me promise to tell you. He said that you needed to know, and you and I both know that James doesn’t really make a big deal of stuff unless it’s important, so I try to listen when he does. Well, Cass, the guy that Carla was dealing with was a guy named Charlie…Hudson.” Kara looked immensely relieved to have gotten this out.
I, on the other hand, was immensely…confused.
“Maybe he just had the same name?” I asked, still unsure of what this information actually signified.
“Maybe. Which is why I wasn’t sure if I was even going to tell you. And I’m not like 100% even sure that was his name, but it was so familiar when I saw it, it made me think. Anyway, it’s probably nothing.” Her blues eyes widened when she made this final proclamation, as if in hopes that this would be my greatest takeaway.
“James didn’t seem to think it was nothing,” I pointed out. We all respected James’ opinion, he was usually pretty well-reasoned with his thoughts. Everyone forgot about how smart and grounded James was, because with Kara, he just took the backseat. By choice, that was how they worked, but Kara was the star of the show and James was like her entire behind-the-scenes team. But James was kind of a dark horse, he flew under the radar most of the time, except for the fact that he was so nice and handsome, but he had this quietude that belied his inner drive.
“Right. Which is why I told you. But, like I said, it’s probably nothing and you said you weren’t seeing your Charlie anyway. So it’s more of like an anecdote than anything, not like a forewarning…I think.” Kara was freaking me out, the more that she downplayed this story. And it was all so contradictory. Here is a tale to panic and terrify you and make you second guess a whole lot of your preconceived notions, but I wouldn’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.
Fuck.
And then Kara, just as helpfully as she’d dropped her little bomb, hopped off of my bed and bolted from the room.
I figured it was better that way. I preferred to do my downward spirals in private, anyway. Quickly changing into some comfier pajamas, I cast the abandoned giveaway pile a look of scorn, grabbed the water from my side table and gulped it down before crawling into bed. Pulling the comforter up until it was practically covering my face, inhaling the soothing lavender scent of the fabric softener that my mom used, I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.
Sleep was not my goal. I just needed to immerse myself in some tactile comfort while my mind whirled out of control. What did any of this mean?
Instead of doing what I felt compelled to do, I counted and steadied my breathing. I visualized a soft green glow settling over each area of my body before it seeped into me, relaxing each area that absorbed it. Then I thought of Rachel. A key component of recovery which Rachel had emphasized since day one was that of not allowing fear of the unknown to control me. She’d acknowledged that a large part of this technique required the release of control, which seemed counterintuitive, but was integral to the goal.
Essentially, we could never predict or anticipate everything. So to live in perpetual fear accomplished nothing. Some things could not be prevented, some things would occur regardless of preparation. To this end, I consequently needed to be as vigilant and informed as possible, be cognizant of possibilities, but I needed to release the desire to constantly control my environment. It was the only way to exist in the world without self-destruction. I couldn’t be convinced that every little thing pointed to the worse case scenario; I needed to analyze and use informed problem solving techniques, thus minimizing threat, but ultimately understand that it was all that I could do.
Applying this, I thought about what Kara had said. It was possible that the guy her friend had an issue with was the same guy as Charlie. It was also possible that it wasn’t. I had made it clear that I wasn’t interested, and although he’d seemed intent on expressing his continued interest, he hadn’t done or said anything overtly unreasonable. Thus, I needed to remain reasonable in my processing of this information. I wouldn’t be going out with him again, but that had already been determined, so I didn’t feel quite so uncertain as to how to move forward. Which was a relief, since I wasn’t sure how I would approach things had Charlie and I been together, or had I truly desired to be with him.
As my breathing calmed and took on a controlled rhythm, I felt more in command of my reality than I had minutes before. I would proceed with caution, keeping this new acquired possible information in perspective, but there was no impetus for immediate action on my part. Hopefully, this was a non-issue; however, I wasn’t just going to ignore Kara and what she’d told me, because that wouldn’t be staying vigilant, that would be trying to hide from the fact that I knew that bad things happened in the world around me.
I knew all too well that bad people existed, that good people existed, and that sometimes by a terrible roll of the dice, the two converged.
FORTY-ONE
Several weeks passed following Kara’s story abou
t her friend Carla. I’d discussed it with Rachel who, amazingly, agreed with how I’d examined things and felt like I’d come to a reasonable conclusion. Which felt good. Not only had I been able to talk myself down, I’d done so with the tools that she’d provided and it had been a success. I think we were both proud of me.
I had been spending so much time back in room lately, though, that I decided that it needed a new look. Not much had changed in the décor of my room since I was much younger, and it felt like as I was evolving, so too should my sanctuary. Deciding first to start with the wall color, I made a general plan of what I wanted to change and in which direction, and made a rare solo trip to the Hardware Store close to my house.
Planning to get a nice calming sage green to paint my room, I figured that I could most likely rope James into helping me with the actual painting, or at least the taping and prep work. What good was a guy that practically lived with you, if not for free labor? Heading to the back of the store where they kept the paint supplies and swatches, I began thumbing through the fandecks. Narrowing it down to three different greens, which truthfully pretty much all looked the same to me, I was about to just pick one when I heard my name.
Not enjoying being approached in public in general, I then recognized the voice and started to relax a little. Turning, I smiled as an apron wearing Harrison came sauntering over to me, a wide grin on his face.
“What’s up?” he asked, still smiling at me before looking at what I was holding in my hand.
“Harrison! I didn’t know you worked here,” I blurted out, surprised to see him.
“Yeah, this is my gig. Added hours after school let out, so now this place is practically my home away from home. Doing some painting?” he asked, and I just nodded.
“Yeah, a little redecorating. Which of these do you like better?” I figured that since I couldn’t tell much difference, maybe someone else’s opinion would help.
“I like that ‘Clary Green,’ but they pretty much look the same to me,” Harrison shrugged. “But what do I know?”
“Harrison! You work here!” Now I was the one who was laughing. It was so good to see him, to see his white tee and jeans peaking out from under his apron, his open expression and his trademark harried demeanor. As I was noticing that his hair had gotten a little longer, he’d already lost interest in my paint samples, examining the rollers and bucket I had picked out.
“Well if you know which one you like, I’ll have them mix you a sample can. Or, if you don’t want to try it out first, I can have them mix you more.” Harrison looked over his shoulder and, seeming reassured that no one was around, turned back to me. “Honestly, I just try to look busy around here. I mean, I can help you out with stuff, I’m not totally clueless, but there isn’t a whole lot to do here most of the time.” He shrugged and then pulled his phone from his pocket, read his text and rolled his eyes. “Courtney,” he offered, like I’d know exactly what was going on. Seeing as I did not, he laughed quietly and put his phone back in his pocket.
“Still fighting that noble battle?” I asked, not sure what else to say.
“Right. Noble indeed. That girl is insane. First she wanted to be with me, then she broke up with me, which I thought was hilarious because I hadn’t even been aware that we were in a relationship…and she ‘broke up with me’ because of you. Which was even funnier. So I let her go, trust me, not hard to do, and then she was all up in my grill again.” He just shook his head like none of this made any sense, and he was right. It made no sense to me, that was for sure.
“Wait, why did she break up with you because of me?” Let’s go back to that part.
“We weren’t even together to break up!” He answered exasperatedly. Then he realized what I’d meant and said, “And, exactly! She got it into her head that I was into you or something,” he smiled like that was the most ridiculous thing anyone could ever think, and I tried not to be offended…and clearly didn’t play it off well because, then he said, “I know. I told her you were out of my league, that I tried to go for girls that weren’t tens…well that didn’t work out so well. Apparently I offended her or something.” He was trying not to laugh but finally gave up, and I couldn’t help but join him. The way that Harrison was able to make light of just about everything, or at least not let it affect him deeply when he’d deemed it unimportant, was so foreign to me but I envied it.
“Yeah, it could never work out...you probably don’t even have a passport,” I quipped, playing along, and then Harrison really busted up.
“See? You get it.” I guess maybe, but more like I knew our schtick. Which was getting it, I realized. “Anyway, now she’s hounding me to hook her up with Jorge so I’m kinda messing with her, acting like he wouldn’t be interested even though he’d jump at that. Mean, probably, but she was asking for it.” He shrugged, like, all was fair in war and war.
“Well, maybe you should make it happen just so she’ll leave you alone.”
“Yeah, I’m realizing that. Anyway, when I said ‘they’ would mix your paint, I actually meant me, so are you into it? Clary? I think it would go well with the Dove Harbor White as an accent…it’s cool toned and will compliment the green.”
“Harrison…why do you always pretend like you don’t take things seriously? Clearly you know your job,” I teased. He gave me a funny look, and I wondered if maybe I no longer ‘got it.’ “I’d like those two colors, please,” I rushed on, hoping to move beyond whatever inappropriate social blunder I’d just made.
“No problem, how many rooms are you painting?” he asked, moving on like I so appreciated about him
“Um, actually it’s just my room.” I felt a little silly, but I was doing my own personal project and it was kind of exciting.
“Ok, one can of each should be enough. You can always get more if you run out. Oh, and Cass?” I nodded, seriously, wondering what he was going to say. “Um, all those supplies you picked out are totally wrong. I’ll get the right stuff for you,” he said, laughing again. The best part was that it was funny, and I knew that he wasn’t laughing at me.
“See! I told you that you knew what you were talking about…”
“Just don’t let anyone else in on it…I have a reputation to uphold, you know,” Harrison said, smiling before leading me off to the section where he handed me the right kind of brushes and rollers, before heading off to mix my paint. “I’ll meet you up front, Cass,” he said before jetting to the back.
Heading toward the cash register, I was looking at some little pen sets as my phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, I saw that it was Charlie. I didn’t know what to say to him, so I just let it go to voicemail. That way, at least I could hear what he had to say and then decide if I wanted to call him back. Putting my phone back in my purse, Harrison reappeared with the cans of paint. After getting my supplies into a bag, he rang me up and handed me the receipt.
“I can help you carry these to the car, if you want, Cass.” I could probably manage, but it might take two trips.
“Actually, that would be make things easier, Harrison. Thanks.” Harrison nodded and picked up a radio next to him, where he called into the back that he was helping a customer with carry-out and needed coverage up front. An older guy finally appeared from behind the door and headed toward us, slowly and without enthusiasm, as Harrison grabbed the two paint cans and I collected the bag of supplies and my purse. Leading him out of the store to my car, I unlocked the doors remotely and popped the trunk.
Harrison automatically placed the cans in the trunk, turning back to me to say, “I’d put that bag in the car just in case the cans roll. They’re sealed tight so they won’t spill, but if they tipped and happen to roll, they’d crush your new supplies and that would suck. And has happened to way too many of our customers, by the way.” Harrison smirked.
“Thanks so much, Harrison. Your ninja home improvement knowledge surprised me, but came in quite handy,” I said as I tossed the bag into the back seat and slammed the door.
> “I’m sure that Bill would have helped you just fine, but at least I feel better about your having avoided his tuna breath,” Harrison replied, clearly referring to the older dude who’d grumpily come up front while we were taking my stuff out. And gross.
“I owe you for that one,” I said, making a disgusted face and causing Harrison to laugh. “It was cool running into you,” I added, and I meant it. He was the first and still only friend I’d made on my own, outside of my recovery bubble, so I valued that.
“Are you painting your room by yourself?” he asked, instead of acknowledging my statement. I just nodded, because who liked to admit that they didn’t have a whole lot of backup, in general, in their life? “Cass, painting a room is a big job.” I just nodded again, wanting to play it off like I hadn’t just come up with this idea and decided to run with it, without a lot of forethought. “Tomorrow is my day off, if you want, I can come help you. Although, I’m sure if you asked, Charlie would come running over in a pair of overalls that still had the tags on them…”
“Yeah, that’s not like a thing. I haven’t seen him since class…” I knew that Harrison was joking, but I still felt the need to clarify. I didn’t know why, or if what Kara had told me had anything to do with it, or the fact that Charlie had actually called me while Harrison was in the back, but I still wanted to clear that up.
“I was kidding, although I’m sure he is still spending his nights trying to wrap his mind around the first girl who has ever not been interested in him…” Harrison stifled his laugh. “But seriously, I can help you. It would go a lot faster with two people and I have a funny feeling like maybe you could use the guidance?” I pressed my lips together trying not to smile at how obvious it was that I was totally out of my element with this.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 20