Charlie’s attentiveness had morphed into more than just dogged romantic interest, it had changed into something else entirely, and regardless of whether this was actually the case, I now couldn’t alter how it had been processed.
“Um, Cass? That’s a little bit much…” Kara said, after the messages had been played and the computerized voice was prompting me to decide the destiny of the voicemails. Ending the connection, I just turned off my phone. I couldn’t deal with it, or the fact that it now represented a gateway to Charlie for me.
“Maybe he won’t call back. You haven’t returned his last message, you said?” James seemed to be looking for a way to keep things in perspective. I just nodded to confirm his statement. My mouth was dry and I looked around Kara’s room, hopeful that she had a bottle of water somewhere.
“Wait…you’ve been seeing Harrison?” This part had just hit Kara and she looked a little pissed off that I’d withheld this from her.
“No! We’re just friends…” I explained, again, rolling my eyes. That was the part that had stood out to her?! Maybe I was blowing this out of proportion.
“So then why does Charlie think you are?” She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly convinced that I was lying to her.
“I don’t know. I mean, you keep asking if we are, so why don’t you tell me?”
“Ugh. I’m your sister, of course I’m gonna assume stuff like that. But Charlie seems pretty sure of it, which is what I was wondering about. Like why is he so convinced that you and Harrison are a thing?”
“Charlie is sure about everything that he thinks and does.” I just shrugged. He was.
“James, it’s weird, right? I mean, the whole thing…” Kara asked, needing her rational half to validate the impression that Charlie’s messages had left on her. James seemed to be thinking before he answered.
“Well, Cass, I don’t think you should be engaging with him, but it seems like you’ve already come to that conclusion. I would say wait it out a little more, don’t think too much about him or any of this. Live your life, and see what happens. Maybe we won’t have to worry about it…”
That seemed to be a common consensus regarding Charlie. I wondered if that was how people who weren’t victimized handled problems in their lives; wait and see and hopefully you wouldn’t actually have to deal with it. It was the simplest course of action, and the least daunting. But that wasn’t how I had been reprogrammed. I had to prepare myself for bad things so that if and when they happened, I would never be as caught off guard as I had been that day by the fountain. I needed to use my acquired tool set to avoid questionable situations, eliminating as much of the unknown as possible. I couldn’t just sit back and wait…awful things happened when you were a sitting duck.
It came down to control. I needed as much control of my world as possible after losing it completely, and that was intrinsically tied to fear. I had lived through my greatest fear, not even knowing what that fear even was, until it had been realized. And because of this, my greatest fear became the loss of control.
“Ok. Well thanks guys. I can’t decide if I feel better or worse now,” I said truthfully, knowing that wasn’t what they wanted to hear and suspecting that it made me sound like an ungrateful bitch. But I wasn’t sure; I had gone from confused to concerned, and still had no real game plan or course of action.
“We’re here for you, Cass,” James said.
“Don’t tell Mom,” Kara said. Thanks. Like I would, and way to not make me feel better about this whole thing.
“I’ll talk to you guys later,” I said as I left Kara’s, heading straight downstairs to fill a giant glass of water and drink it down like I was on that deserted island that Harrison had joked about.
FORTY-SIX
With each passing day, school seemed both endlessly far away and terrifyingly close to coming back into session. I wanted the distraction and the comfort of the routine that school provided, but I was also dreading the ratcheting up of my stress levels that school and the crowds would bring. It was torture to have nowhere to go, but equally daunting to consider leaving the security of my house and room.
My mom had found me some nice new bedding, which picked up on the green and white of my fresh paint, and it actually felt symbolically right to have given an overall fresh face to my room. Because in spite of the Charlie issue, and the slight backslide that I’d experienced after school had gotten out, I had also made great steps toward readjusting, and I was proud of my personal growth. I was at a point which, while nowhere near where I dreamed to reach, was much more functional than I had realistically hoped to be.
Even my relationship with Kara and my mom was improving. We’d chat casually and I was ok with it, I’d hear about their days and it wouldn’t feel awkward that I had little to contribute. I understood that it was less that I was ‘improving,’ and more that they were beginning to relate better to who I had become, but that was also ok. We were working on it, and that was all that I could hope for. I still needed my space and alone time, but things were slowly becoming more comfortable for all of us. Kara’s dissertation was coming along, as was James’, so despite them seeming like they never had anything to do, I was pretty sure that looks were deceiving. Basically, we were all just getting better at living this new version of life, together.
I had declined an invitation to have a late afternoon coffee with my mom and sister, something that I knew they did often but rarely joined, instead choosing to head back to my room to hang out with myself. I know, scintillating. Deciding to start a new novel, I curled up on my bed and it was already early evening when I realized that so much time had passed, having been pulled from my reading when my phone rang. I immediately tensed, dreading who it might be, but just as quickly relaxed, when I saw that it was Harrison.
“Hello?”
“Cass, I didn’t want to call you,” he said, and I thought that perhaps my excitement to see his name had been premature.
“Nice to talk to you too, Harrison,” I said evenly, hoping that this was headed somewhere other than what it had sounded like.
“Sorry. It’s just that I meant, I’m kind of stuck here. My mom went out for the night so I’m on Monster duty…don’t laugh…but he refuses to come out of his room until I get you to come over and hang out.” I could practically see Harrison running his hand over his face and into his hair as he got this out.
“Wait. Ben is insisting that I come over?” I was confused.
“You don’t know how impossible ten year old boys can be to reason with. If I don’t get him to come out and eat his dinner, my mom is going to have my ass.” Harrison actually sounded a little desperate and I wanted to laugh.
“Ok, but at the risk of annoying you more, what do I have to do with this…dilemma?”
“Cass. I’m praying that you don’t have tickets to like a red carpet event or something tonight, and maybe could come over? I’ve tried everything. I’ve begged, I’ve promised him his favorite dinner, I’ve told him he could have ten extra minutes of screen time…which my mom will kill me for, but it won’t matter because if he doesn’t come out, she’ll have already killed me. But he keeps repeating the only thing that will work. As in, you. Please?” I finally had to laugh. “It’s not funny, Cass.” And yet, I could hear him smiling through the phone.
“Well, it’s kind of funny…” I pointed out, probably just to piss off Harrison a tiny bit. “But, sure, I can cancel my plans and come, I guess…” Could I? Not the plans part, because obviously I didn’t have any, but could I go to Harrison’s? He had said ‘please,’ a word that I didn’t even know existed in his vocabulary.
“I hope you like mac ‘n cheese. I’ll text you the address. Thank you,” Harrison quickly said, like he knew I was considering changing my mind. Before I could, he’d hung up and I was standing there staring at my disconnected phone.
Well shit.
I guessed it wasn’t that big of a deal. I knew I could hang with Harrison and his brother seemed like he
would have a minor impact on my mental state, but I didn’t really go anywhere…besides school and Diane’s and Rachel’s. Well, I guess that was changing…I’d barged on down to the hardware store high on my paint idea, and being around Harrison was always easy. But still…
Either way, it was kind of too late. Harrison was expecting me, and I kind of would look like a real bitch if I didn’t show. And there was now a little boy whose feelings would be involved. Before I could talk myself out of it, I pulled on some jeans and a long-sleeved purple v-neck top, hoping that the color would instill bravery, and slid my feet into some slide-on sneakers. I could do this.
Couldn’t I?
Walking slowly downstairs, I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and headed out the front door, locking it from the outside. Texting Kara that I was going out, in case they noticed that I wasn’t around, which I doubted, but still knew that they worried about me in general, I unlocked my car and slid into the driver’s seat. Locking the doors as soon as I was inside, I pulled down the visor and looked at myself in the mirror. Inhaling slowly through my nose and out of my mouth a few times as I stared at my reflection, I knew that I could do it. Pulling my hair into a ponytail and fastening my seatbelt, I drove off to the address that Harrison had texted.
Since our town wasn’t that big, I sort of knew where I was going, but as I reached his house, I knew that I’d never actually been to this part. His joking comment about being the boy from the wrong side of the tracks kind of made more sense. It was sort of the more rundown part of our area, and his house, although nicely tended to on the outside, was definitely on the smaller side, especially for three people. But, none of this mattered to me, other than the fact that I appreciated how well lit it was, both the outside flood lights and the fact that the house itself seemed to glow from the inside. It screamed ‘life,’ and it made me feel a little more secure. Getting out and hurrying up his walk, I took in the parcel sized front lawn and some old discarded toys which looked like they’d probably long since stopped being noticed by Harrison and his family, and certainly hadn’t been played with in an even longer time.
Not sure if I should ring the bell, I texted Harrison that I was outside, and hoped that he’d hurry to let me in. Thankfully, he almost immediately opened the door, and I practically plowed him over to get inside.
“Yeah, sorry, I know it looks shitty out there but it’s a pretty safe neighborhood, Cass,” Harrison said by way of a greeting. I felt bad because I didn’t want him to think that was what I’d thought, but there was no way to explain that regardless of where Harrison lived, I’d be uncomfortable.
“Your house is nice,” I said, hoping it would make up for probably offending him.
“It’s home. My mom works hard to keep us in here, but we’re happy, so hey, it works,” Harrison said, smiling but staring at me like he wasn’t really focused on what he’d been saying.
“What?” Harrison never stood still this long.
“I’m so mad at my brother right now, and I couldn’t believe that I catered to his insanity and called you…but I’m actually more surprised that you came,” Harrison said, still standing in his entryway, not having let me in any farther.
“You asked,” I said, not understanding the mystery. “Actually, you said please, which really pushed me over the edge. Harrison, I almost died from shock,” I teased, hoping that he’d stop being so weird and I wouldn’t be forced to question my decision to come.
“Wow. I must have really been out of my mind if I said that,” he smiled, before turning and heading into the next room that the entry fed into. Apparently their family room, it was informal with its slightly mismatched furniture, and a little messy from the fact that two boys lived here, but I got what he was saying. It was home. I could see the kitchen through a large doorway on the left, but didn’t have time to take in much more because Harrison started talking again. “The Monster is still in his room. I told him you were coming so he could just give up his crusade and come eat, but apparently I may not have been truthful with him once or twice in the past…” Harrison shrugged, like, what are you gonna do? “So he said he’s not believing it until you’re here. So come on, his room is over here,” he said, as he grabbed my hand and pulled me through the other doorway of the living room and into a small hallway, which had three doors. “She’s here, get out here, now,” Harrison yelled, after he’d let go of my hand to pound on the first door that we reached.
“Prove it,” a tiny but firm voice called back, through the still closed door.
“I can’t believe I’ve never removed the lock on his door,” Harrison muttered under his breath. Then looking at me, he gestured at the door, like I had some superpower and could spring the lock with my mind.
“What exactly am I supposed to do?” I asked Harrison, in a whisper.
“Well don’t whisper, that’s not exactly helpful,” he answered.
“Oh. Um, Ben? Wanna come out and have dinner with…Harrison and me?” I was glad that I was talking to a ten year old, and through a door, because the uncertainty in my voice was humiliating. I put my face in my hands, not quite believing what was happening.
“Oh, Hi Cass,” Ben’s voice answered, much louder and unmuffled than before. He’d apparently opened his door while I had been dying of mortification. Then he just pushed past me and Harrison, like this entire episode had never happened, and beelined through the living room and into the kitchen. By the time that Harrison and I had caught up, Ben was already eating the macaroni and cheese that had been set out for him on the table. Harrison groaned.
“Seriously? You couldn’t have just come out and eaten? You made poor Cass come all the way here?” Harrison looked both ecstatic and miserable.
Hoping to throw him a bone, I said, “Hey, there are only two bowls here. Where’s mine?” Looking mildly surprised but quickly getting over it, Harrison opened a cupboard next to the fridge and got another bowl, before snagging a spoon from the drying rack. Scooping some noodles into the bowl, he plunked it down in front of the seat that I was standing behind.
“Bon Appétit,” Harrison said to me, before stopping at the fridge and grabbing a pitcher of something. Ben had a glass of milk next to him that he’d already guzzled half of, alternating between it and shoveling macaroni into his mouth. “I figured you’d bring your water but in case you want something else, here’s iced tea.” Harrison placed two glasses on the table, one by me, before he poured himself some tea.
“You know, we have water here too, Cass,” Ben said, and I would have been embarrassed except that he said it with such seriousness, as if he thought perhaps I might not have known, I couldn’t feel anything but the desire to simply smile and nod my head in thanks to him.
“I’ll remember that for next time, Ben,” I said as I looked at Harrison who was trying not to laugh. “This looks delicious, Harrison. Is this your secret recipe?” Harrison answered by shoving a giant spoonful into his mouth before taking a huge sip of his drink. Whatever Harrison had wanted to say must have been pretty bad, if he, the guy never known to think before he talked, and never known to care what the person he was speaking to thought about what he’d said, had felt the need to muzzle it.
“So, Ben, why was it that you requested my presence?” I asked, smiling so that he knew I wasn’t mad, just curious.
“I wanted to see you again. You seem like a nice chick,” Ben said between mouthfuls. Harrison practically spit out the sip he’d just taken. “And I like messing with Harrison,” he added, lifting his palms up in a ‘can you blame me?’ gesture. I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
“I can’t believe you just called Cass a chick,” Harrison said. I wondered if this was the first time in history that Harrison was mildly uncomfortable. Luckily it appeared to be fleeting because he then said, “Put your dishes in the sink when you’re done.”
“Yes sir,” I quipped, hoping that I could make Harrison laugh. I did, with the double bonus of a little giggle from Ben. He had already
finished his meal by the time that I took my first bite, and he dutifully carried his dishes to the sink before scurrying out of the room. “Well I’m glad my visit was appreciated,” I said, as I watched the streak that was Ben disappear.
“Oh my god, Cass. I’m sorry. Honestly, I didn’t know what else to do. Mostly I’m just sorry that you feel like you have to pretend to eat that,” he said, pointing at my bowl with his spoon.
“It’s fine, seriously. I was just kidding. And I love macaroni and cheese.” I took a big bite to underscore my point, and wondered what it was about me that made Harrison assume that I subsisted on a handful of almonds and air. “Sorry about the water,” I said as an afterthought. Hopefully he didn’t assume that I thought I was too good for their water, or something.
“Why. You bring it everywhere. I’d probably be more concerned if you showed up without it,” Harrison said, and I was thankful that he didn’t say anything else. Most anyone would have asked me why, not just taken note of my habit. I only nodded as we continued to eat, sitting mostly in silence. For once, Harrison’s phone was nowhere to be seen, and it was bizarre to not have him constantly checking it.
Finished eating, Harrison looked at me and said, “Cass, I want to be embarrassed about this whole thing. I get that all of this,” he gestured around him and toward the living room where we could hear the sounds of a children’s TV show, “isn’t exactly a good look.” He shrugged, like he felt that this was an objective statement, but that he also had little control of it.
“Harrison, honestly, I wouldn’t like you as much if something like your brother being hilarious and serving me macaroni and cheese embarrassed you.” It was true. This was just Harrison, plain and simple, and I appreciated his lack of discomfort in that fact.
TWELVE MINUTES Page 24