“You never could,” was all he said and I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. We sat there in silence for a little longer, and I felt myself relaxing. This was why I’d come. Then he started talking again and I got more confused than I already was.
“So my dad used to drink…a lot. Like, the kind of guy who had a beer with breakfast and wouldn’t go anywhere without his vodka in a sprite bottle. And he was mean. Like, he was already kind of prone to anger, I think, and his unhealthy little habit just fueled his fire. I was pretty young, so for a while I didn’t quite catch on to what was happening, I just knew that sometimes my mom had headaches and wouldn’t come out of her room for a couple days.
This was a little after Ben was born, so by then I was used to this stuff, but I was also older, so I was starting to wise up. I connected my dad’s late night celebrating and my mom’s hiding out. He beat her, Cass. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. Not often, but even once would have been too often.” Harrison glanced at me and I felt the sadness that I saw on his face. “But she finally kicked him out, and I think he’s in jail now, and it’s hard, but it’s so much better…just thought I’d tell you that.” He stared off now, and I hoped that he wasn’t regretting exposing this to me.
“That’s terrible, Harrison.” Harrison actually laughed, but it wasn’t a happy laugh.
“You’re the first person who when they found out about my dad, didn’t say they were sorry.”
“Well, that’s an awful thing for you all to have experienced. But I’m not sorry…I’m sad for you, I feel badly for you that it happened, but I didn’t do it.” Maybe that was the wrong thing to say.
“See, it’s when you say stuff like that, that I like you even more,” he said, and it made me feel better. “Anyway, there’s always been something about you that reminded me of my mom…”
“Gee thanks, Harrison. Your compliments get better and better…”
“Just proving my ability to say dumb stuff…” He smiled at me before continuing. “I just mean, I saw something of her in you.” I was piecing these two seemingly unrelated confessions from Harrison together and I thought that I got it. Miranda and I had both been victims.
“I’m a survivor, Harrison, I’m not a victim.” I was surprised by the forcefulness of my voice, but I was also proud of it. Then I felt like I’d implied that his mom wasn’t also a survivor and felt awful. Luckily, Harrison didn’t seem to view my statement that way.
“That wasn’t what I meant. I meant, strength. You’re both really strong and I admire that.” Oh. And had I just told Harrison my most guarded truth? Not completely, but more than I’d ever planned to.
“So you still want to stick to the story that you fell in your room?” he asked, turning back to me and holding my eye. Oh. I got it now. He hadn’t read me like the book that I felt like I was.
“Yes, Harrison. I actually did fall. But I appreciate your trusting me with your story.” I hoped that he could see the sincerity that I was trying to convey, hoped that he could read that on my face.
“Ok. I trust you.” And somehow, I knew that he did. Which was mind boggling since I held so much of myself back. “So it was a coincidence that Charlie was sitting in his car watching you come into my house?”
“Wait, what?” I couldn’t have faked my surprise if I’d wanted to.
“Wait. He wasn’t like checking on you? Or…wait.”
“What do you mean, Harrison? Charlie was here? When?” The temperature of my blood was plummeting.
“When you got here, he was parked down the street, like he’d followed you here to make sure that you got here safely…except…then I got worried that if he had done that to your lip, maybe he was actually checking up on what you were doing here. Now I’m even more confused…”
“You and me both. Except, I’m a little more scared than confused…but they’re kind of neck and neck.”
“Understandable.”
“Funny. You’re the first person who when I said I was scared, didn’t say, ‘Don’t be.’”
“Yeah, that’s a dumb thing to say…even for me,” Harrison tried to smile but it seemed like it was too hard. “You kept saying that you and Charlie weren’t a ‘thing,’ so I just figured maybe you were keeping things casual. Or you were like so many girls who didn’t want “labels,”” he did air quotes and rolled his eyes. “But I also know that sometimes people have patterns, or they feel like they deserve a certain treatment, that they’ve been conditioned to expect less than they are worth…and you said that your arm was broken…Cass, you didn’t say that you broke your arm…” It was hard being friends with someone who was so perceptive, but acted like they weren’t. “I guess I was just hoping that Charlie wasn’t part of a pattern…” Harrison was looking less and less certain the more he talked, and I missed the old carefree Harrison.
“No, Harrison, Charlie and I aren’t anything. We’re not even friends anymore…at least I don’t want to be friends with him. He’s not quite getting it though…” And, Understatement.
“Cass, you’ll need to back up. I’ve been operating under a misconception, and I know that you don’t really like talking about yourself, so I try to respect that, but I think I need you to explain more.” Fair.
“Well, you’re right, I don’t.”
“Yeah, I thought it was part of your whole I’m Hot and Can’t Be Bothered thing, but now I’ve sort of figured you out enough to know that’s not you. But, that’s about all I’ve figured out.”
“Funny.” Harrison just stared at me like he wasn’t going to be satisfied with that answer, and I sighed, knowing that I wouldn’t like him as much if he were. “Look, there’s stuff I don’t talk about and that’s something you just have to understand. But the Charlie thing, it’s a whole different issue that I honestly don’t need, but he doesn’t seem to be going away. And with the note, and now him coming here…well, I’m actually getting worried.” And totally terrified.
“The note?” Oh crap, I hadn’t told him about that.
“It wasn’t a parking ticket, Harrison.” Harrison’s eyes narrowed, before widening with understanding.
“It was a note from Charlie?” he asked, and his confusion was completely understandable. When you said it like that, it seemed pretty harmless.
“He still wants to go out, I guess. But I’ve told him I wasn’t interested, since, back before the project was due. But he’s called…a few times, and then he left this,” I said as I reached into my purse and pulled out the letter, handing it to Harrison. I’d brought it with me to show Diane when I’d started out my day, expecting it to go in an entirely different direction. “And now he’s here…so I guess I’m starting to wonder if this is more than just a nuisance. But then…” I didn’t know how to finish my sentence. Doubt and I were not unfamiliar, but I just felt it in my gut that things were escalating.
I watched as Harrison unfolded and read the letter, snorting halfway through before his expression turned serious again.
“Jesus. Cass, my first thought is that I would be so embarrassed if someone read this and I’d written it. But I’d never write something like this. Which leads to my next thought, which is that he kind of sounds crazy. Which leads to this: Cass, I think you might have the right to be worried. In fact, I’d venture that you might just possibly be justified in being scared.” Harrison’s dark eyes were clouded with concern, his thick eyebrows bunched together. I was silent as I took all of this in.
“Yeah,” I finally said, before following it with, “See, I say dumb shit too,” and smiling a very wobbly smile at him.
“And here I kept wondering why you were hanging out with me when you could be spending more time with Charlie. I just figured that he was a super busy guy.” Harrison huffed a laugh through his nose and shook his head.
“I told you we weren’t anything. Harrison, I hang out with you because you’re the one person who I feel like I want to spend time with.” Because it was true. There was no obligation when it ca
me to Harrison, and there was also no pressure. It was always just easy.
“Ok, well I hope you don’t mind if we postpone shopping for our matching BFF friendship bracelets, because unfortunately I think you have an issue. And I need to do some thinking about it. I want you to feel safe, Cass, and I don’t want to have to worry about you. It sucks.”
“Well, we’re on the same page with that…especially the bracelet part,” I quipped, hoping that despite the seriousness of all of this, I could get us to feel a little less intensity. If I could just relax and laugh a little with Harrison, it would help me to not feel so stressed about Charlie. And I suspected that it went both ways.
Harrison just got up and went inside, reappearing with another bottle of water and silently handing it to me, taking the empty one and tossing it into a receptacle on the side of the stairs.
“Thanks,” I said quietly, feeling like this time we weren’t talking because we didn’t know what to say.
FIFTY
“So he followed you? After leaving a highly alarming ‘note’ for you on your car?” Diane was trying to understand all that had transpired since I’d seen her, and I appreciated her desire to gather all of the facts before formulating a response.
“Right. We thought it was a parking ticket,” I said, and Diane cut me a look.
“We?”
“Harrison. He’d been over for some pizza,” I clarified, and Diane’s eyes narrowed. “What?” I asked, knowing that I probably didn’t want to hear the answer to my question.
“I’m glad you’re getting close to someone, Cass, but I’m concerned that this newfound closeness is…closely related to the Charlie problem,” she said, smirking.
“What do you mean? How is Harrison related to the Charlie thing?” Diane rolled her eyes.
“Just because you and I both know that for now, you two are just friends, and I certainly hope that Harrison knows that as well for about a million different reasons, does not mean that Charlie understands that. Not only are you rejecting him, but in his eyes, you’ve actively chosen someone else to be with…someone whom he clearly sees as inferior. I fear that it makes you more desirable, like you’ve now become a challenge that he needs to win in order to maintain his pride.”
“Ok, Rachel,” I rolled my eyes, “but this sounds like a lot of speculation and also…you’re freaking me out.” And back up…for now? These people!
“Fine. Want me to say not to worry about it? Want me to tell you that you’re completely safe and nothing bad will happen to you?” Diane asked, a hard look in her chocolate brown eyes.
“I get it. Thanks. And seriously, really? You could be nicer.”
“Well, you’ve known me a long time, Cass. When would the adjective ‘nice’ be the first choice that you’d use to describe me?” Diane stared at me in challenge.
“Yeah yeah yeah. I still like you anyway,” I conceded. Because Diane was a lot of things: compassionate, caring, strong, loyal…but maybe nice was pretty low on the list.
“Well I’d like for you to stay safe, so I’m thinking that I talk to my friend about this.” Diane was back to flipping through her magazine, like we weren’t having a really serious conversation.
“Since when do you have friends?” I asked, kind of just to piss her off. She’d scared me and I was irrationally mad about that.
“Funny. It’s just this cop I work with…a lot. I think he’ll have some insight on how to handle this.”
“He?” I asked, giving her a taste of her own medicine.
“Yes, Cass. I talk to men on occasion…at work,” she said, before returning to the magazine. Then she looked back up at me. “But you need to promise to be aware. If he’s following you, or coming around unwanted, I need you to notice. I don’t want him approaching you if you’re alone, and I’m not trying to scare you, I just think it’s prudent to be on guard.”
“Never forget,” I whispered, and Diane nodded at me, before flipping to the next page.
✧✧✧
“So I don’t understand why you’re still friends with Jorge if he stole your girlfriend.” Harrison and I were hanging out at his place, Ben finally having gone to bed, and I was confused about the love triangle between Courtney, Harrison, and Jorge.
“First of all, Courtney wasn’t my girlfriend. Come on Cass, you know that I don’t have time for girlfriends…how would I have the ability to hang out with you all the time if I did?” Harrison sent me a goofy smile and I rolled my eyes. “Secondly, Jorge didn’t steal her, Courtney and I weren’t really together and I gave them my blessing…well actually, I said that I could give two shits if they got together, but you get the picture. And thirdly, don’t ever tell Jorge that I consider him a friend…I like to keep him constantly guessing, it’s a fun mind game.” Harrison sat back on the couch and turned to the TV, like that was that, clearly.
“So you’re really not still interested in Courtney?” I don’t know why I had to ask, but I wanted to know and I didn’t want to examine why I wanted to know.
“Cass, I was barely ever interested in her. There may be a certain girl who has always caught my interest, but that’s more of a fantasy than a reality.” Harrison said this without looking at me, and it struck me as strange.
“Who?” I couldn’t help it. Like I’d uncorked the bottle and given it a little tip, and the contents just started pouring out.
“Cassie Cass…” Harrison still didn’t look at me but I stayed silent, waiting for more. “Don’t make me say it. You like things how they are.” Cryptic, but I was scared to try to unravel that.
“Ok. But maybe you should go for her.” I didn’t know if there was actually another girl, but if Harrison was interested in her, he should pursue it. He shouldn’t have to hang with me all the time if there were other places that he’d rather be.
“Cass.” Harrison finally looked at me, and there was a hint of pleading on his face, like I was pushing him to do something that he didn’t want to, or that he was worried that I didn’t want him to do. I didn’t especially want him going for some random girl, he deserved better than that, but more so, I was selfish and liked having him to myself.
“If it’s me you’re worried about, I have plenty of drawers in my room that I can reorganize to stay busy.” I was trying to give him permission to not view me as a burden, to make him think that I wasn’t some project of his that he had to spend time on.
“Of course it’s you that I’m worried about.” What? “And you think that I say dumb stuff.” He smiled to let me know that he was teasing, but I had to admit that I still didn’t quite understand. “Just keep hanging with me, help me to convince myself that it is enough. Please,” Harrison added, and it was only more confusing.
“Is it?” I asked quietly, not knowing why I wouldn’t let the issue go, like Harrison so wanted me to.
“Never,” he said, having turned his attention back to the TV so that I couldn’t see his dark eyes.
✧✧✧
“So is this becoming a regular thing?” Kara asked as I was grabbing my keys.
“Is what becoming a regular thing.” I wasn’t in the mood for her Kara-isms.
“You going to Harrison’s.” How did she know that was where I was going?
“I don’t know what constitutes a ‘regular thing,’ and I’m going to ignore the insinuations in that phrase, but I am going to help him with something. He was supposed to get something done and he didn’t get around to it, so I’m gonna help.” Yeah, I’d agreed to help Harrison clean out his pantry, feeling partially responsible for his not getting to it, and feeling partially just bored. I’d told him I’d stop and get us coffee and donuts, since it was sort of my idea that he actually do what his mom had asked him to do.
And I knew that Harrison would do just about anything for a donut.
“Ok, well have fun doing your…thing,” Kara said, smiling fakely at me. Whatever. I guess it was a good sign that she felt free to be her old self around me.
“B
ye,” I called as I left, looking around before jogging to my car. Seemingly Charlie-free, I wondered if all of this would just go away. Some stuff resolved itself, right? Wishful thinking never fit me very well.
Pulling up in front of the donut shop, and triple checking that there weren’t any parking restriction signs, I dashed inside and got a dozen donuts. I knew that Harrison didn’t have a preference as to what kind, but I had no clue what Ben or his mom liked, so I figured an assortment was safe. After paying and getting my keys out, I left the store and was just pushing the unlock button on my fob when I heard him.
“Cassandra, wait.” Charlie had stepped around the corner, and had he been anyone else, I’d have thought it was a coincidence that we’d run into each other. As it was, I wasn’t so sure. Actually, I was fairly certain it wasn’t, but I was trying to downplay my discomfort. Trust your gut Diane whispered to me. Unlocking and opening the passenger door, I placed the donuts inside and slammed it shut. I needed two hands and one of them had to be holding my cell…emergency mode open at the ready. Sorry, but these were the tiny things that helped you cope with trauma.
Turning to Charlie, I contemplated just getting into my car and driving away, but if there was any chance that I could end this now, I wanted to take advantage of that. I also made a point of stepping closer to the donut shop, and making sure that I was visible through the windows from inside. Being in the public didn’t help me before, but this was now, I reminded myself. This was different; I was different.
“I’ve been trying to reach you, Cassandra. Too busy for your old friend Charlie?” he asked, and it sounded innocent enough. But how old of friends were we really? I’d only known him a couple of months, and we hadn’t spoken in almost as many. I didn’t have an answer, so Charlie continued. “Just thought we should get together…you know, somewhere inside,” he gestured at the coffeeshop, “I’ve missed you.” He was only saying nice things but they were having the opposite effect on me.
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