by Stella Rhys
It took a while longer to muster up the rest of the story. To tell AJ that my mom’s ex had come back sometime after I rejected the offer. That I could’ve been there to protect her, but wasn’t. Instead, the job fell again to Cole, and it cemented his hatred for me.
Shortly after getting their first apartment, they had to relocate again for safety. Mom moved into a three-bedroom with another single mom from church who had a daughter Cole’s age. Since it was already four of them packed into a small, three-bedroom home, I couldn’t change my mind about going back.
I’d officially missed my window to rejoin my family.
And while it stung like a bitch, it lit a fire under my ass.
It cemented my decision to forego basketball in college. It wasn’t a guaranteed career, and what I needed more than anything was to provide. To have an Ivy League education that would guarantee me a good job, so that when I graduated, I could take care of Mom and Cole. In whatever way they needed.
I was already in law school by the time I found out that all that Little League growing up paid off. Cole was going to LSU for baseball. He ranked high in the country among third basemen, and considering my best friend Iain was already on the path to becoming a sports agent, I decided to take the same one.
“In my head, I was going to save him one day,” I said, and for some reason, the idea still gave me that burst of energy from ten years ago, when I first thought of it. “I was going to be the agent, he was going to be the star. We were going to find our ways back to each other and take care of Mom together, like we used to.”
AJ was looking up at me now, trying to read my expression, and I knew why.
“What’s his last name again?” she asked of Cole.
“Ridnour,” I said, and she went quiet, because she didn’t recognize the name. I knew she was praying to. I could practically feel the surge of hope in her chest as she lay against me, trying to remember every Cole in the league.
The big leagues at least.
“Is he still in the minors?” she asked, her voice small, still hopeful, because the minor leagues at least meant he was still trying.
I nodded.
“He actually did well enough in Triple-A that he got called up a few times. He posted pretty good numbers for this one five-week stretch, but then he got the shoulder injury, and it’s just set him back repeatedly,” I explained, my jaw tight at the thought of all the shitty medical advice Cole had taken in the past several years. All the times he was forced to play despite being far from full health.
I thought about the fact that he was injured again now, and still refusing all forms of my contact, let alone my offer—the one I’d written him in a letter—to simply set him up with the best doctors. He didn’t have to talk to me. Let me come to a game. I just wanted him to have a shot.
But he wanted nothing from me.
“There was a bad stretch where he was going to quit,” I said as I played absently with the drawstring on AJ’s hoody. “He wasn’t making any money. Had to take second, third jobs to keep the dream live. He was back to living that life where he couldn’t find a steady place to live, and he had too much pride to ask for help. But then someone found out about how he was living.”
“Who?”
“A teammate. From his time in the big leagues.”
AJ was quiet for a moment. Then her eyes went wide as she looked up at me. “Knox?”
“Yeah.”
I knew from Mom that Knox came through for Cole. It was only for a five-week period, but they were teammates on that Colorado team, and when Cole was sent down to the minors, he played for their affiliate in North Carolina, where Knox was from.
Since he had a home in Asheville, right where Cole played, he let Cole live there during the season. He sent Cole his weekly per diem, which was more than enough for groceries, and allowed him to drop his other jobs and simply focus on baseball.
Even in the off-season, he let Cole crash and train with him. His house was plenty of space for Cole, him and his girlfriend.
“Knox doesn’t have social media, but his girlfriend does, so admittedly…” I trailed off, laughing to myself at how ridiculous it sounded. “I’ve combed through all her social media to find bits of him, even if he’s just in the background or mentioned in the caption. Her page was private for a long time, so when it was public again, I…”
“Stalked your balls off,” AJ giggled.
“Yeah.”
We were back inside, making coffee by the time she asked what I knew was coming. Whether or not I was still trying.
“To get in contact with him?” I said. When she nodded, I shook my head, and when that made her frown, I could only give a sad smile. “At some point, it just becomes harassment. He wants to live his life. Try to be happy. Besides, he already has a brother figure in Knox. And as much as I wish it were me, I’m just grateful for that.”
“But… didn’t you want to sign Knox to get to Cole or something?” AJ asked. I shook my head.
“Cole’s going to find out soon that Knox signed with me, and it’s not going to change his mind about getting in contact with me. It might actually piss him off, honestly.”
“Then why do it?” AJ cocked her head, our legs mingling as we sat facing each other at the kitchen counter. I shrugged.
“Just to say thank you. Make his life easier. Get him paid like he deserves to be,” I said. “Maybe by some extension, I’m making Cole’s life easier, since at least he lets Knox take care of him.”
There was a little frown between AJ’s eyebrows, and I knew this wasn’t the happy ending she wanted, so with a smile, I took her hand.
“It’s fine, AJ. I’m good. Just because I’m not whole doesn’t mean I’m not complete.”
She blinked up at me and squinted. “How can you be complete without being whole?”
My eyebrows pulled together as I tried to remember my mom’s phrasing of it.
“Some people aren’t meant to be whole,” I said carefully. “But they can be complete, because when you’re complete, you’re saying this is what I have, and it’s still good. You accept the parts of you that are going to stay empty. Nothing’s ever going to fill up that hole. No one’s ever going to be my little brother besides Cole, but that’s fine. Because everything else I have in my life makes me complete.” I watched her process my words with a reluctance that made me laugh. “I have you. And because of you, I have Holland.”
“And Iain.”
I laughed. “And Iain.”
“And your mom?” AJ asked curiously. I nodded.
“Yeah, I have her, too,” I said, and as I smiled at her, a funny little look wiggled onto her lips.
“Am I ever going to meet her?”
I laughed. I was going to tell her soon, but not now. “Don’t worry about that,” I said, just to mess with her.
The pissy look she shot me was well worth it and with a grin, I memorized it, tucking it safely away with all my other favorite memories of her.
34
AJ
“I knew something was up!” Georgia yelled triumphantly, making me hold the phone briefly away from my ear.
Admittedly, I’d completely ignored all her calls since finding the tabs on Adam’s laptop yesterday evening. And since the night had continued to go completely off-course, I’d taken awhile to recover from the roller coaster and finally call her back.
But I was making it up to her now, giving her the full story of what happened between the last time we spoke yesterday to about an hour ago, when Holland and Iain came over.
“Wait, so how did they react to the news?” Georgia asked excitedly.
I snorted. “They made the sound I just made. And then hugged us and said ‘took long enough.’”
“Oh. That’s less exciting than I expected.”
“It’s okay, I’ve had my fill of excitement in the past twenty-four hours. In the past month, really.”
“I’ll say. You got to fuck your hot boss and now he’s in lov
e with you.”
I laughed at her phrasing. “That’s… actually perfectly accurate.”
I still had a sliver of instinct to deny things, but now I realized I didn’t have to. I could say all the crazy things I’d fantasized about in the past month out loud now.
I loved Adam. More than my heart could really take. And miraculously—incredibly—he felt the same way about me.
“So. Am I gonna be the maid of honor?”
“Georgia.”
“What?” she laughed. “It’s not that weird a question. You guys have been together for five years, technically. You’ve lived a life together. Plus, he knows you in ways that other one could never even begin to,” she said, cracking me up, because she was apparently past the point of addressing my ex by name. “So why the heck can’t wedding bells happen soon?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Georgia. Probably because I don’t even want anyone at work knowing yet. I’ve already decided I want to be an agent for at least a year before I come out as his girlfriend.”
“Fair enough. But after that, am I maid of honor or is it Emily?”
“Can’t it be both of you?”
“Yes. But I’m the one that plans the bachelorette. She can do all the other serious planning.”
“Honestly, we both know she’d prefer that,” I snorted just as Holland yelled “where’s AJ” from the deck, and loud enough that Georgia gasped like she was in trouble and rushed to get off the phone.
The next few hours were spent just lounging, eating sushi that we ordered and drinking wine that Iain brought over. It felt particularly indulgent since we were supposed to be in Arizona to watch some clients’ games. But we’d postponed it by a day just to spend more time with Holland and Iain, who were still hilariously nonplussed about Adam and I being together.
“Honestly, the only shock comes from the fact that I thought Adam was too stupid to ever realize it,” Holland said, making me burst out laughing as Adam made an offended sound behind me.
We were lounging on the far side of the pool with Holland and Iain cozied together on the couch across from us, two couples separated by a table littered with empty wine bottles and plates. It was the perfect double date I never knew I wanted.
“Damn. And here I thought this whole announcement was going to be a feel-good moment,” Adam said, making Holland laugh with me.
“What? Don’t get me wrong, I’m freakin’ ecstatic. But Iain got most of that out yesterday when he told me you guys left together. I literally blew out his eardrums. I squealed and shrieked like such a crazy person that I tired myself out and I don’t have the energy to replicate that reaction for you now,” she said, and now Iain was laughing his ass off. “But know that I couldn’t be happier for you guys. And for the record, neither of you had a big reaction when Iain and I came out as a couple.”
“True,” Adam and I said at once, since I’d basically been telling him for months that something was going on with Holland and Iain, and while he staunchly didn’t believe me, he still didn’t give much of a reaction when Holland finally told him. Priority had gone to cursing the fact that he’d lost a bet to me.
“This is definitely my favorite day ever though,” Holland said, her eyes sparkling. “I literally don’t think I could be happier right now.”
“Same,” Adam and I said. But then Holland wrinkled her nose.
“Oh no. Are you guys one of those couples that speaks in unison?” she teased. “Even Iain and I don’t do that.”
“Well, get used to it. We’re going to start wearing matching outfits too,” Adam said. “I already ordered us matching onesies.”
I looked up at him. “You didn’t really, did you?”
He laughed. “No, but I might. And I’m going to make you wear it with me around the house. Just as payback,” he said, referring to the joke about footie pajamas I’d made to Kenzie Engelman what felt like forever ago.
We stayed out there till the sun started to set, and though we laughed the whole way, I couldn’t help feeling pangs of guilt for knowing things that Holland didn’t know yet—namely that Adam was her half-brother. That somehow, her dad had agreed it was best not to tell her.
But in some ways, I got it. It was clear that Brad felt he owed his wife something. He’d thrown a curveball into the life she’d planned for them by bringing Adam into it, and he was constantly trying to make it up to her while just keeping the peace with everyone else.
It broke my heart. It was clear Brad needed to leave Jeannie. It would help him be close to his kids again. But if it hadn’t happened yet, I wasn’t sure that it would. All I could hope was that what Adam said this morning applied to his dad. Hopefully, even if Brad didn’t feel whole, he felt complete. And if he didn’t, maybe someday, that could still happen for him.
“I just realized this was why you cheered for all Cali teams growing up,” I gasped out of nowhere hours later.
Holland and Iain had just left, and we were in the middle of cleaning up. Adam turned on the Lakers game and boom. It all made sense.
He laughed as he carried the plates in beside me. “Yeah. That actually wasn’t an act of rebellion against my family. It was just me being born and raised in Los Angeles. For the first nine years at least.”
My mouth hung wide open, and delight coursed through me as I was hit with several realizations. One, that all those good childhood memories of Adam’s had come from his mother and Cole, and two, that he and I had actually grown up thirty minutes apart.
“I mean I was three by the time you left, but still. We were at one point Cali kids together,” I said so brightly he just snorted and pecked me on the lips.
“Yeah. We were practically neighbors,” he said, and though he was teasing me, I was still thrilled.
“And the French toast! That didn’t start out as a Maxwell family tradition at all. It was all Ridnour.”
“Actually, it was the church we went to,” Adam smiled as I passed him the plates to load the dishwasher. “They had this community breakfast, which I obviously didn’t know at the time was for people in need. I just knew I loved that shit. Both Cole and me. When I moved to Jersey, my mom told my dad if he ever needed to bribe me into behaving, to make me blueberry French toast. It was basically a taste of home.”
I smiled and nodded as Adam spoke, casually loading the dishwasher, completely unaware of the way I was watching him. Staring in awe of him. I couldn’t believe all the pain and burden he’d lived with all these years. I would’ve never imagined it given the way he smiled every day. The way he just went about living and doing his best to be a good brother to Holland and Cole, and a good son to Brad and his mom.
“Will I ever meet her?” I asked again, completely unapologetic, because after all the stories he’d just told me about their beach picnics, the time she got another job just to buy them Dodgers gear for Christmas, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I needed to know more about this woman. “Why do you keep laughing when I ask that?” I demanded in a huff that I honestly wasn’t even faking.
Adam grinned as he closed the dishwasher and looked at me. “You’ve known her for years, AJ.”
I stared at him.
And suddenly I knew.
“Heidi,” I breathed.
There was a twinkle in his eye as he nodded.
“Adam!”
I have no idea why I shoved him. I just felt like I had to. It didn’t move him anyway. All he did was catch my wrists, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss me as he said things that made me feel like my feet were no longer touching the ground.
“I needed you to know her,” he murmured. “I liked knowing you did. It just felt good. And right.”
I wish I didn’t cry, because it only made him laugh again, but I couldn’t help it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that Adam had to lift me up and carry me to the couch, where he held me as I tried to process the fact that he’d let me all the way into his life so much earlier than I’d ever known.
“Would now be a bad t
ime to tell you the ninja was named Gizzy?” he asked.
“Yes?” I said, wiping away my tears and remembering the prized ninja toy that Adam had given Cole before he left. I imagined that Cole had treasured it. That Heidi had named her café after it because it was the one thing her boys shared even after they were separated.
I had a feeling that hunch was right when I learned later that night, with a sharp twist in my chest, that Cole and Heidi still spoke, but thanks to her relationship with Adam, there was a strain. Apparently, it happened when Cole found out that she hadn’t opened Gizzy’s on a loan, but from money gifted by Adam.
And as much as I knew I would be in Adam’s corner for the rest of my life, I could understand every bit of the hurt. Cole had been rescuing his mom since he was a little boy. He’d probably gone into baseball thinking he’d make it big and set her up for life. But his career didn’t pan out as he thought, and it had to sting to see his brother swoop in after all those years apart and save the day.
“Don’t be sad,” Adam laughed, thumbing a tear from my cheek. “She still flies to see his games every month. They still talk all the time. They just don’t talk about me.”
“That leaves such a big gap in the conversation though,” I said. “She spends every single morning with you.”
“Exactly,” Adam smiled. “We’re in each other’s lives now. We might not be a family anymore, but at least she has both her sons back. That’s all that matters.”
I nodded even though I didn’t feel totally settled on that. Of course, I knew I was being partly irrational. Defensive of Adam. I loved this man so much I just wanted him to have everything. To be happy and have the fullest life he could. But as much as it bugged me, I didn’t let it bother me for long.
Because at least I knew I was here for him now. Maybe his life wasn’t whole.
But I had now till forever to try and get it as close to that as possible.
35
AJ
Though we obviously kept it professional at meetings and games, Adam and I had a few days to act like a couple during our business trip to Arizona.