Deeper

by Robin York

Page 25

  Author: Robin York

  “Can I do this?”

  What I’m really asking is, How greedy can I be? How much will you give me?

  He smiles, a little huff of breath that isn’t a laugh or a judgment, just a pleased noise. “Yeah. ”

  He draws a line across my chest, above the swell of my breasts. “Above here. ”

  I inhale and feel the line rise. The wake of his touch.

  He strokes down my arm to my wrist. “And here. ” He rubs his thumb over my wristbone.

  “There?”

  “That’s where I’ll touch you. ”

  “That’s it?”

  He looks hard and long at my body. Every part of me that was sleeping comes awake and puts out its arms and says, Come in, come in, come in.

  He taps my knee. “From here down. ”

  I hide my eyes against his shoulder, wanting to grumble. He’s going to skip all the best parts. “Is there a weird, kinky reason for this that I’m not understanding?”

  He puts his hand in my hair and lifts my face so I have to look at him. “It’s just … what I want. ”

  His eyes are cautious, saying this. As if telling me what he wants is the scariest thing he’s done since he opened the door. It makes me certain that he hasn’t always been able to draw lines, hasn’t always set the terms.

  It makes me wonder who he’s been with before, and how.

  “Do you want me to do the same thing?” I drag my finger across his chest. “Above here. ” Down his arm to his wrist, catching on his bracelet. “All along here. ” A lingering tap north of his knee. “From here down?”

  “You could. ” His thigh shifts under my fingers, which have given up tapping in favor of fanning out over the muscle they’ve found. I want to stroke upward, filling the full width of my palm with soft denim and firm warmth until I reach the crease of his hip and have to decide where to go. Map him with my hands. “Or you could just go with the flow and trust me. ”

  I try to think of something smart to say, or something funny. But those words—trust me—crumple up my confidence and toss it away.

  I think, all in a rush, of the reasons I can’t trust. Bad breath and body smells, stuck zippers, biting. The words on the birth-control chart that hangs on the inside door of the bathroom stalls that I’ve meant to look up but never gotten around to. Frottage. Rimming. I don’t know what they mean. I don’t know how many girls West has had sex with, and it seems vitally necessary that I find out so I can compare myself to them unfavorably.

  There are condoms in my desk drawer, but they could be the wrong size.

  Trust me, he says, and I can’t shut off my brain. Last time we kissed, I was stoned, so it was different. This time I have no defense, no way to hide from how close his eyes are, how much he sees.

  It was like this with Nate. Over time I got better about it, but mental flailing was pretty much my constant make-out companion until I figured out that it worked better if I had a few drinks first. Then I tried to plan as many of our sexual encounters as possible for parties.

  I’m not sure I’ve ever been kissed at ten in the morning, in the daylight.

  I don’t trust it. I don’t trust myself.

  “We should have some music,” I blurt.

  West sighs.

  Then he shoves me.

  I’m on my back with West above me, those eyes like smoke, that smart-ass mouth so sure of itself. “Trust me,” he says again, and kisses me.

  Then it’s okay.

  Way better than okay.

  Kissing West is nothing like kissing Nate. His mouth is warm and sure of itself, and it says, Shut up, Caro. Close your eyes. Stop thinking.

  Feel.

  I do. I can’t not. With West’s mouth on mine, feeling is the only thing I’m capable of.

  We kiss. Time passes, and we kiss.

  I wish I had words, if only so I could press them into memory. This hot, wet slide of tongue against tongue, soft lips and angled mouths, fitting and refitting. This beautiful pulse, this damp haze, this foggy, hot, yearning ache.

  There are more ways to kiss than anyone ever told me, and I want them all.

  I get them. I get West, his mouth, his weight, his smell.

  We kiss.

  The lines we’ve drawn on our bodies aren’t important. They’re just pencil marks we need to put around this thing that’s so big, it could get scary if we let it.

  Kissing West is my hands in his hair, on his neck, spanning his shoulders. It’s clutching his back when he plunges his tongue into my mouth, finding his waist, sneaking my hands under his shirt to steal the heat and smoothness of his skin.

  It’s his body above me, his chest on me, a heavy crush I can’t get enough of because he’s always been so far away and now he’s here. His palm cradling my head, his fingers curled around my shirt at the shoulder, fisted in a tight grip because they want to wander and he won’t let them.

  It’s his pale eyes, a rim of bluish color around huge dark pupils, his eyelashes long and his eyelids sleepy.

  It’s the sighing weight of his forehead on mine when he has to breathe.

  Lazy heat. Connection. Safety and quiet in a place where I’ve been alone and afraid and the voices in my head have been loud for weeks now. Months. He casts a spell on me, throws me into a gorgeous daze where I could kiss him forever and be perfectly content.

  We have fifty minutes.

  The thought is fingers snapping in my consciousness. Fifty minutes. How many are left? My lips feel full, bruised, tender and slick. I can’t remember ever kissing this much. Surely I must have, with Nate, in the early months we were dating? But when I think that far back, I mostly remember arguments. We would kiss, and then he would want more and I’d stop him, and he would get distant, huffy, pained.

  You don’t know what it’s like, Caroline.

  West is carrying his weight on one elbow, his legs and hips off to the side. I don’t know if he’s hard. I haven’t cared, haven’t thought. I’ve been too busy kissing, and I don’t know what it’s like.

  Cocktease, the Internet Asshats say, but this time they’re right. I just forgot. I forgot about him.

  I break the kiss so I can crane my head around and look at the time on the phone. Ten minutes left. We’ve been kissing for thirty-five, forty minutes, and I haven’t thought. But ten minutes should be long enough, if we need to do something different. Finish West off.

  The thought is spiky, uncomfortable.

  I ask him, “Are you … ?”

  “Mmm. ”

  He’s mouthing my neck. Paying zero attention to my attempt to question him.

  I curl my fingers around the thick leather of his belt. Bring them to the buckle, heavy and threatening.

  I pull the leather from the loop.

  West’s hand covers mine. “What are you doing?”

  “If you’re … you have class, so …”

  West rolls away and sits up. He has to duck his head because of the bunked beds. “I have class?”

  “I don’t want you to …” I can’t say it. “Forget it. ”

  He grabs my chin and turns my head and makes me look at him. He won’t let me look away. It’s freaking annoying, and I hate it.

  “Trust me,” he says. “I need this to be—need us to do this right. With you talking to me, telling me what you like, nobody trying to just guess or do stuff they don’t necessarily want to. I need it. ”

  I can’t say no to that. To anything he needs. As much as I hate to, I have to tell him.

  “I thought you were maybe uncomfortable. From so much … from kissing me, maybe that was making you … hard, and if we only had a few minutes left before class, I’d better … finish it. ”

  He sits there, watching me with his eyebrows drawn in. I can’t tell what he’s thinking—if he’s angry or frustrated, confused, or maybe wishing he were somewhere else
. With some girl who isn’t such a mixed-up freak.

  Then he leans toward me, catches me by the waist, and pulls me into his lap.

  He kisses my hair, right by my ear. “He really did a number on you, huh?”

  I think about saying, Who? or No, but I’m trembling, and my mouth tastes like battery acid, so, yeah.

  Yeah. I guess he did.

  “I have to go in a minute,” West says quietly. “I don’t want to. But I have to. ”

  “I know. ”

  “I like kissing you, Caro. ” He puts his lips to my neck. His arm is wrapped around my back, his hand heavy at my hip. The weight of it—perfect. “You like kissing me?”

  “Yes. ”

  “Good. ”

  His mouth moves down to my shoulder, to the sliver of exposed skin at the neckline of my shirt. To the hollow behind my ear, where his breath makes me shiver. He finds my mouth, and then our lips meet again, hot and wet and perfect, perfect.

  “You like that?” His voice is a growl, a low thrum, explicit as fingers between my legs.

  “Yes. ”

  “That’s it, then. You like it. I like it. Beginning, middle, end. There’s no finish. This is the whole thing, right now. ”

  He’s kissing me again, so I can’t think about whether or not what he said is true. I just wrap my arms around his neck, rake through his hair, outline his ear with my fingertip, and kiss him back. Under the Christmas lights, in our cave. Kisses chasing kisses, hands and mouths.

  Everything. Everything.

  And then we run out of time. It takes me a second to figure out that the beeping I hear is his phone.

  “You set an alarm?”

  “Knew I’d never stop otherwise. ”

  Reluctantly, he pushes me off his lap and reaches for the phone, silencing it. Then he’s standing, adjusting his belt, lacing up his boots.

  When he lifts his head, his eyes are sleepy and sexy, his lips stained, color high in his cheeks. Looking at him does something crazy to me, a wet hot clench between my legs, heat spreading outward, upward. I wish I’d gotten his shirt unbuttoned while I had the chance. Seen more of him. Pressed up against his bare skin.

  Next time.

  God, I hope there’s a next time.

  “You coming to the bakery tonight?” he asks.

  “Yeah. ”

  “Cool. I’ll be back Tuesday. If you want me back. ”

  “Yeah. I do. ”

  He retrieves his jacket from the couch and puts it on. When his hand is on the doorknob, he says, “For the record, Caro?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Hard as a fucking rock. ”

  He slips out the door, and I’m still smiling at it like an idiot when Bridget comes back from class.

  Tuesday.

  Fifty minutes.

  Outside, the sky is dark. It’s snowing, blowing icy slush sideways, gray and miserable. I’ve put on Bing Crosby just to make West shake his head and pretend to lament my terrible taste in music.

  His hair is cold and damp, his nose freezing when he presses it against mine, but his lips are warm. His smile is warmer. We have this dim room, this bed surrounded by color, our feet intertwined, his body pushing down on me.

  We have slow, deep kisses that keep getting deeper.

  I ruck up his shirt and follow the gully of his spine up. The muscles of his shoulders flex under my hands. I scoot down. My shirt hikes up. We kiss and kiss, and I find a way to wiggle until my bare stomach is touching his.

  Do you feel this? Your skin and mine?

  Because I feel it everywhere.

  I want it. I want you.

  I skate my palms up his sides. Over his shoulders, into the inner sleeves of his shirt until I run out of room over his hard biceps. His hips move into my thigh, belt buckle nipping into the top of my leg, and I press my fingernails into his skin and scoot down another fraction, seeking better alignment.

  Seeking pressure between my legs.

  I want the knowledge of what I do to him, the heat of what we do to each other.

  When I get there, he grunts and bites my lip. His eyes are slits, his nostrils flared as he breathes in deep, fast. “Caroline. ”