I tried to brush him off telling him to “Leave it alone and lemme enjoy the show!” Still he was bothered, yelling over the music, “You tryna diss me?!”
Frustrated with the topic and his accusatory tone I yelled back sarcastically, “Yes, okay, yes I was trying to diss you. You happy now? Leave me alone!”
He stormed off. Now, I won’t discount that the loud music and setting added to the heightened energy, but it was his actions when he then came back on stage and thereafter that transgressed beyond the lines of acceptability. Five minutes later, in a rage, he approached me head on, nose-to-nose, his hand in the well-known “two fingered gun” formation pointing threateningly as he demanded, “YOU NEED TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY.”
Fed up, I raised my hand to forcefully remove his hand from my face, so to speak, when my significant other stepped in and plucked Wale from in front of me and ushered him off the stage joined by Wale’s bodyguard. Wale exclaimed, “She’d never get away with that in DC,” to which my man replied, “But we in Philly this evening, Wale.” That evening, Wale took to Twitter, calling me a #bumjoint and attempting to diminish my career saying, “You’re irrelevant . . . you’re broke . . . a charity case. You couldn’t buy relevancy.”
After hearing of the incident, several people told me things like “Don’t sweat it,” “It is what it is,” or “Just brush it off, it ain’t worth starting nothing.”
In the past I would have taken their advice, and another instance of out-of-pocket behavior by a man in hip-hop to a woman in hip-hop would have gone down without any accountability being taken. But this time I chose to speak about it. Not because, as some suggest, I “want press,”* or as others suggest, I “like drama,” but because I am NOT one of the guys. I’m a woman, a proud woman in and of hip-hop. I should be able to speak my mind freely without the threat of being, as one said on Twitter, “hoed down” by a peer.
I love this music and love this culture, but like any relationship, I feel that I deserve in return what I’m giving out. I’ll admit, in that instance I wasn’t afraid, not because I shouldn’t have been but because I’d become so desensitized to the rampant mistreatment that it didn’t even faze me that here was this grown man exuding hostility, in my face, in full view of an entire audience, while his security guard looked on. Had my boyfriend not stepped in, it would have gotten physical, and to consider that could have even been a possibility is no dice. I know plenty of women in hip-hop who have been in situations where they didn’t feel safe and chalked it up to simply being part of the game. Well, I have been out of hip-hop for a while now, so I hope it has changed. Because it is high time we as a culture take accountability for the environment of misogyny we’ve created and that we as women of the boom-bap demand our just due.
SIDE EFFECTS OF
Being a Black Woman
Brown girl,
look in the mirror.
See your face and smile.
Brown girl,
the picture
couldn’t be clearer.
Let your dreams
run wild.
SHADES OF SISTAHOOD
There are all kinds of black women. All of our stories are relevant to the unique experience of what it is to be a sista. Whether you are from the ’hood or the high horse, ebony or beige, bald or “rockin’ inches,” you are us. Yes, you are your own woman and thus possess the right to preserve your own well-being, success, and survival. However, although we are each on our own path, we are of a shared community, in that our existence alone is resistance. So when you’re moving and thriving and riding or dying, Respect that, Honor that, Consider that we are an US.
HAIR
Our hair is of a different ilk than what mainstream society puts so much money into presenting as beautiful. So much so, that it has its own culture and community. Not just because of its difference in texture, upkeep, and styles, but also because of its politicization. It is no secret that to this day black natural hair is still challenged in many workplace and school settings. At the same time, the cultural appropriation of black hair is rampant. From white people in locs (stop this) to major fashion mags using “Afro” to describe a woman of the white race with a big messy down-do, black hair in the mainstream space has been regarded as both alien and as a resource when convenient. That said, as I understand it, the original necessity to press and perm our hair straight was more about creating entrance and access into a white world. Sure, many may have bought into the concept that the European standard of beauty that was being sold to us was the premier standard, but I’m really over the notion that any black woman who doesn’t wear her hair in its natural form is buying into the concept of European beauty as the supreme. Hair, for black women worldwide, can represent so many things: magic, confidence, style, your mother’s strength, history, identity, and art.
ANGRY BLACK WOMAN, MAMMY, JEZEBEL
Sometimes I wonder if they’ve given us so many names out of envy that we are able to be so many things. The “Angry Black Woman” trope seeks to silence. The “Mammy” motif seeks to disarm. The “Jezebel” moniker seeks to shame. However, we are angry because we are aware. We are caregivers, but not a boundless resource. We are sexual because we are free. These stereotypes, though relics of a time before we breached the barriers of bondage, still permeate the social landscape very close to the surface. Daily we find ourselves facing them and having to step over, around, and sometimes right on through just to get to our point. Call us what you want, because we are all of the above and more; redefining the misconceptions assigned to us by people who know not of what they speak.
COLORISM
The realities of colorism:
• Its root is in white supremacy.
• It seeks to divide.
• It still exists.
HAIR PART 2
There is no such thing as good hair, only bad weaves.
TONE POLICING
Though there is a constant attempt by non-black folks to police our passion, we must acknowledge that it happens within our community as well. There are entire sects of folks who think if a black woman expresses distaste for problematic black male behavior, she hates black men. There are black women who, though wanting their own freedom of expression to air grievances, take offense to other black women doing the same when done in their direction. This is unproductive. In the pursuit of our best selves, we may not only be told hard truths but also told in harsh tones. Respect each other’s intentions and passions. Not everything is personal.
NUDE COLORED ANYTHING?
All this time, black women have been wearing the bras, panties, and nylons of white women. I know someone just read this and is confused. “Nude” has forever and a day solely been based on the skin tones of white women! From Band-Aids to ballet shoes to lipstick. “Nude” was never about the fact that there are all different types of skin tones. Finally that is changing. The spectrum is broadening to acknowledge the fact that black women may also want to wear undergarments that are flesh-toned! We may also want to wear dance shoes that elongate our lines by continuing our hue to the toe! We may also want to wear a Band-Aid that attempts to be inconspicuous! When you are not a black woman, it is so easy to overlook these simple everyday things because they have always been at the ready for you. I don’t even know how they cooked up twenty-five shades of no-melanin pantyhose! The time has come for a shift in that paradigm. Black women are out here. We’re fly. And we want our Spanx to match our skin tone just like everybody else!
WELLNESS
This world will beat you black and blue and tell you that it is your duty as a black woman to grit your teeth and take it. Fuck that. Take care of yourself.
• Take breaks
• Travel
• Meditate
• Masturbate
• Go to therapy
• Clap back
• Indulge in your hobby
• Treat yo’self
• Say NO.
• Say YES!
�
�� Cry
• Read
• Allow for excitement
Suffering and struggle are circumstantial and not to be accepted as a bottom line upon which to define your strength as a sista.
COMPLIMENTS
I love how black women extend compliments to each other. The format is “what you see is what you get.” So if you’re wearing a polka dot skirt what you’ll get is, “OK, POLKA DOTS!” If you have a fly hairstyle, it might just be, “COME THRU, HAIR!” Or it may not even be verbal—an eyebrow raise with puckered lips and a point says so much without saying a word. With this ease we have in acknowledging each other’s dopeness we should make it a point to do it as often as possible. It does not diminish you to big another sista up.
SIDEKICKS AND SAVIORS
I remember people saying, “Amanda it’s time for you to be in a movie.” As if this was some great revelation and up until that point I had been turning down roles in favor of staying home with my cat and making pro bono Instagram videos. The reality is that as a black, female comedian and actress in Hollywood, I find myself, on a regular basis, faced with roles that are simply dumb, lacking authenticity, or no roles at all. Making movies with black women leads is not “a thing.” No, we are reserved for the position of “sidekick” and “savior.” We are the “no-nonsense conscience” to the careless white girl. We are the “save the day in silence” to the hapless white girl. We are the “sassy truth teller” to the tyrannical white boss. We are a resource, not an equal. This is not always the case, and there are changes afoot, simply by hook or by crook. Black women have begun to lean in in ways that demand and declare our voices be heard and our talent be considered. We are writing our own stories (per usual) that give us dimension and individuality and creating spaces for them to be told. Our equality cannot be measured solely by inclusion but by the elevation of our own spaces as equal in merit, visibility, and value. Representation is key.
DEAR BROTHAS
We love you.
DEAR BROTHAS PART 2
Protect black girls. Protect black women.
DEAR BROTHAS PART 3
• We are not your enemy when we challenge you to be your own champion.
• We are not your enemy when we aspire to be our own champions.
• We are both the subject of centuries of trauma and division and must begin to see the value in each other as equal parts change agents, thought leaders, and movement makers.
“SO STRONG”
If you are not a black woman, please stop telling black women that they inspire you to be a “strong black woman.” The reality is we’ve become strong out of necessity, not by choice. Our resolve and resilience has been toughened not because of a desire to ascend but because of a demand to do so in spite of the constraints surrounding us. We have never been widely regarded, protected, or preserved. We have consistently been admonished, abused, and appropriated. We have had to design our own shields, form our own foundations, and be each other’s fortitude. So, yes, our strength is noble, and honorable, and commendable, however, it is far too often recognized but not received.
GEM DROPPIN’
Hostile vs. Passionate
TO BE A BLACK WOMAN is to be judged on tone before you even open your mouth. The way we hold our faces. The way our bodies are designed. The way we live in our skin. All of the above has been poked, prodded, and politicized for centuries by individuals who did so to oppress. Here we are now, in a world where although black women are no longer in the chains of slavery or relegated only to careers of service, we are still far too often diminished to monolithic stereotypes not based on who we are as individuals or even accurate cultural commonalities. These stereotypes often affect our effectiveness in the workplace and social sphere. In other words, folks try to say that we’re ratchet and angry in order to undermine the real shit we are often voicing. This deterrent is incredibly problematic. Though black men are often misconstrued as thugs and dangerous, black women are by no means excluded from the blanket assumptions. Simply by asserting one’s opinion, or even a fact, black women are often seen as confrontational and hostile, as opposed to being seen as intentional and passionate. In order to make the distinction, we gonna start at the real.
They didn’t want us to read. It was literally a criminal act to educate one’s self. To simply know how to write your name. So, I do not find it surprising that when a black woman speaks intelligently and with conviction she is often misnomered as hostile. She is in direct violation of the original American standard of thinking that considered her intellect to be a threat to democracy and peace! THEY DIDN’T WANT YOU TO READ! That concept was in place longer than black people have been out of the bonds of slavery and living under Jim Crow laws. It is in the DNA of this nation. Especially in the places where we were/are least visible. Hostile is a label reserved for individuals who seek to cause conflict and disrupt for antagonistic purposes. When you approach a conversation with an attitude of attack, it is hostile. The absence of compassion or fact replaced with indifference and assumption creates animosity that once inserted into any exchange creates an obstacle to finding a solution. You can’t have a dialogue with a hostile person. They are not interested in discussion. They are only interested in defeat. They are not approaching the conversation with any level of deference or understanding. Nor are they willing to agree to disagree. The key, however, is that their indignance is not supported by truth. The tactic of calling individuals hostile simply because their argument doesn’t align with yours is not only inaccurate, it’s corny. You’re the one on the court who keeps calling fouls because your shots can’t make it past a strong defense. Black women are constantly mislabeled as hostile for expressing their thoughts, no matter how cordial or fact-based, because the stereotype of the angry black woman is so pervasive that it often speaks for us whether we like it or not. It’s to the point where folks are often afraid of black women, and black women, themselves, are afraid to speak for fear of being misunderstood or dismissed based on the continued flawed application of hostility to our ability to communicate intellectually. We are constantly having to negotiate with ourselves on how to simply express our point without it being rendered pointless, by having hostility attached to it.
Passion comes from deep. It is supported. Like an opera singer’s voice on a full breath. Its foundation comes from confidence in your cause and arguments, which resonate not because of volume but because of content. In a climate where sensitivity is at an all-time high, passionate discourse can often be misnomered as hostile when it is not. Some conversations are simply not effective in dulcet tones. The fact is that some truths can feel like hostility when spoken because they are so inconvenient to the other person. Which is the reason the phrase “the truth hurts” exists. It is important to always consider that passion does not relay acrimony. The discomfort you may feel when someone is speaking passionately, volume and momentum pushing the words from their consciousness to yours, is less about a feeling of disrespect and more about your displeasure at receiving information that is more often than not unsupportive of you or your cause. Passion is self-powered. To someone seeking to diminish another’s voice or devalue their argument, passion can feel threatening. It shouldn’t. It is passion that so many are lacking. Whether due to misdirection, lack of direction, or simply being tired after constantly moving with direction, passion is the flame within us all that can only be lit by oneself. Sure, there are people and things and occurrences and experiences that can inspire it, but at the end of the day you have to have the desire within you to not only light the candle, but to keep it lit. Passion is what gives you the will to fight for and challenge obstacles that seek to impede your desires or your principles. When you find yourself in a dialogue that ignites your passion, your heart rate increases, your brain synapses become more rapid, and you feel like it is emotion overtaking you. It is simply your truth rising to the surface. The work is on how to be in control of its release and avoid allowing attempts at considering it hos
tile to derail your directive.
So often I have black women ask me, “How can I get my point across, and be myself, without being labeled ‘The Angry Black Woman’?” The problem is that the trend of misinterpreting a black woman’s passion as hostility is so ingrained in society it can sometimes be unavoidable, especially in corporate spaces where the culture is passive aggression over direct dialogue. Let me be clear: Black women are passionate, yes, but I am not suggesting that women from other cultures are less passionate. I am, however, acknowledging that black women are continuously subjected to the specific microaggression of having their passion weaponized against them! As black women continue to navigate and achieve in spaces where our independent thought and assertion were once forbidden to us, whether it be the classroom, the boardroom, or the bedroom, we will continue to face the uphill battle of attempted dismissal of our passion as hostility as a means of silencing us. My suggestion to those who ask me the above question is that you have two choices, either decide that certain spaces are only for giving as much of you as is necessary for you to get your check and go on to the spaces that do receive you in your full Nubian dopeness, or simply be you and deal with it as it comes, knowing that you are standing on the shoulders of so many sistas who came before you with just as much to say and even less room to say it. To be a black woman in America carries with it unique burdens that force us to hone skills of navigation that at one time utilized the guidance of the stars and still require the guidance of intuition in order to chart our own course to freedom. In other words, feel the room, then fill the room. Knowing the facts and delivering them in a clear and direct fashion without wavering is not a hindrance, but a gift. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Small Doses Page 3