by Lucian Bane
“About what?”
“Why you want pain with pleasure. That’s fucked up.”
“Okay,” she said, sounding resigned to some punishment. “Can I ask you a question?”
His heart sped up as he paced next to the bench. “Sure.”
She took in a breath then let it out. “When was the last time you had a girlfriend?”
The question made him pause in confusion. Why would she ask that? Why would that matter to her? “When I was twelve, why?”
She shot out a laugh. “I’m being serious.”
“I am too.”
“Daniel, seriously. Did you have one while you were in prison? Before prison?”
“No, and no.”
“You can’t possibly expect me to believe that a gorgeous man like you doesn’t have or never had a girlfriend since he was twelve. I’m insulted that you expect me to believe that shit.”
It was his turn to laugh. “Why do I have to have or had a girlfriend?”
“You’re telling me you’re a virgin? Or did you have sex when you were twelve?”
“No and no.”
“No and no? No you’re not virgin and no you did not have sex when you were twelve, so… when did you?”
“Same night I got drunk. And just like with drinking, I never did it again. But not by choice on that one,” he chuckled. “Just never happened. Sue me.”
“Why would I sue you for that?”
“I don’t know, you seem pretty intent on me having a lot of notches in my belt. I’m glad I don’t, I think being with a woman should be a one-time thing anyway.”
“Why only be with a woman once?” she cried. “That’s so sad to think!”
“Not be with her once, I mean having only one woman. A man should only be with one woman.”
“Say whaaaaat?” she cried, laughing now.
“Oh that’s funny, to you.”
“No man only has one woman, that’s fairytale shit, Daniel!”
“Maybe it is, but that’s the right way.”
“Wow,” she finally said, sounding happy. “You’re so amazing, do you know that? I really, really like you. I mean I wish I had met you before all this crap before I got ruined.
Her bitter pain hit him in the chest. “You’re not ruined,” he said.
“Oh, I am soooo ruined.”
Fuck she was full out crying.
“I’m all used up, Daniel. A dirty dish rag,” she said, her voice breaking. “You can’t clean this, you can’t put this right. And you know what, that’s okay, I’m okay with that. My bed, I made it.”
“Nineveh,” he said. “Listen to me. Are you listening?”
“What,” she muttered, sounding so sad and pissed all in one.
“All things-- all things, work for the good of those who love God. There is nothing the devil can do that God cannot use for your good. Are you hearing me?”
“Yeah,” she said, sniffing. “I’m hearing. But I mean… why would I ever bother God with my shit? What place does he have in my shit? He’s too big and good for this dumb life of mine.”
Daniel suddenly wanted to be there so he could grab hold of her and shake the truth into her head. “Listen, Nineveh,” Daniel said, his chest heated. “I have read that Bible, cover to cover many times and I’m here to tell you that, though your sins be as scarlet, God will make them white as snow!” he whispered passionately. “He left Heaven and came to Earth, became a man, was tortured, crucified, died and was buried! All for you, for me, and for every dirty person with a life of shit, that would receive that gift.”
“Oh my God, Daniel,” she choked out. “Are you serious? He really did that? For everybody?”
“He did, Nineveh. He did it for you. He loves you. I can feel it. He makes me feel his love for you and it burns hotter than you can ever comprehend.”
She gushed a sob into the phone and Daniel closed his eyes, wishing he was there to hug her. He could hardly breathe from the pain he felt inside her. The shame. “I’m pretty messed up inside, Daniel,” she barely whispered. “I’m pretty messed up. I’m bad news. You really shouldn’t have met me. You really shouldn’t have.”
The phone disconnected and he looked at the screen, dialing the number back. He hurried inside the diner and waved at the waitress, finally hanging up the phone when she didn’t pick up. Meeting his co-worker at the register, he whispered, “I have a quick emergency. I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Oh honey,” she patted his arm. “You’re fine, it’s a slow day. I can cover for you no problem. You just be here in the morning, we’ll have a blustery day.”
“Yes ma’am, thank you so much,” he said, hurrying out the door. He got in the car, dialing his apartment again while he sped through the four blocks to his Grammas.
The phone was still ringing when he got to the driveway and he hung it up. Throwing the car in park, he ran to the door, a sick feeling in him. Her tone. It had been hopeless. Then he felt a demonic presence of death just before the disconnect.
He ran upstairs and unlocked his apartment door with a key. Not finding her in the kitchen or living, he called out, “Nineveh,” as he hurried to his room. He opened the door and scanned the space then turned for the bathroom, knocking on the door. “Nineveh,” he yelled.
He tried the handle, finding it locked. He stepped back and aimed his shoulder at the weakest part of the door, just as it swung open. “Daniel? What’s wrong, why are you here?”
He stared at her, releasing a huge breath, his back hitting the wall behind him. “Don’t you fucking do that again,” he gasped to her.
“Do what?” she wondered, worried. “You hung up on me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
She crossed her arms over her midsection, looking nervous. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I thought you hung up.”
Daniel leaned forward, hands on his knees, still winded. “I called you right back and you didn’t answer.”
“That’s because I went to the bathroom to cry like a dumb baby,” she admitted. “You were worried?”
“Yes, I was fucking worried,” he whispered, straightening.
She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight. “Thank you, Preacher. For caring. Nobody cared like this since I left home. Not for real.”
Their phone conversation came back to him and his arms went around her, holding her close. He closed his eyes, releasing another shaky breath as he pressed a hand to her head.
“I’m so tired, Daniel,” she murmured against him.
He gently stepped out of the embrace and led her to his room. “Get in bed. Rest. I don’t have to go back to work till in the morning.”
She lay down and grabbed hold of his hand. “Can you lay with me? You can put pillows between us if you want. I just… don’t want to be alone.”
Daniel remembered he’d left the door open. “Let me lock up.”
He waited for her to release his hand before heading back in the living room. He stood at the door and turned the deadbolt, feeling like he’d just avoided a collision. But as he returned to his room, he felt like he was about to enter a fiery lion’s den. But he was met instead with a fragile woman in a fetal curl on the bed. His urge to protect returned to him, along with his courage.
He removed his shoes quietly and crawled onto the bed next to her. He decided to lay on his back and put his hands behind his head. She immediately turned toward him and pressed her face into the side of his chest, keeping her body away from him. He prayed for several seconds what to do, feeling like he was really playing with fire and it was foolish. She was at such a fragile stage in every aspect of her journey. The very last thing she needed was to think sexual urges trumped what was right before God. What was right was treating her like somebody who had spent almost two years in an abusive situation. Somebody who was used to, expected even, men to revert to something sexual with her. He’d never do that. He needed to be so very cautious to teach her something new. That not all men were anima
ls and subject to their dicks.
And right now, he knew that everything in her screamed to be comforted the way she never had been. Daniel lowered his arm and lightly embraced her.
She made murmuring noises, taking in a deep breath. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Night.”
Chapter Seven
Several hours later, Daniel’s faith in his ability to be the man she needed was back at full capacity. He’d spent the entire time praying for her. While he was expelling a long list of demons, she began to stir next to him, making distressed sounds. He carefully stroked over her back, soothing her but she was beginning to whimper and strain, grabbing his shirt.
She suddenly flew up in bed, screaming, “Noooooooo, no, no!”
Daniel fought to grab her thrashing body. “I’m here, Nineveh, wake up, you’re dreaming, Nineveh!” he yelled, shaking her.
She gasped over and over, blinking with tears streaking her face. She stared at him, then looked around, her breaths shaking. “I’m… I was dreaming, I was… I was stuck.” She looked at him, pulling her knees in to her chest and holding them, fear and worry crimping her face. “Did I hurt you? I’m sorry,” she barely whispered, her chin quivering as she fought to catch her breath.
“Can I hold you? I just want to hug you, okay?” he whispered.
She looked away a little, her breaths slowing. “You don’t have to,” she said, like she was a burden he didn’t deserve.
“I need to,” he begged softly.
She faced him, seeming confused by that before finally nodding. “Okay.”
Daniel sat at the edge of the bed and opened his arms for her. She scooted closer, appearing uncertain. “Put your arms around my neck,” he gently said.
She wrapped them around his neck and Daniel pulled her into his lap until she was cradled in his arms. “You’re safe. I have you.”
“Daniel?” she strained, her body still shaking.
“What is it? Ask me. Anything you need.”
“Can you… pray for me?”
“Yes, of course I can. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last two hours.”
“Really?” she squeaked, laying her head on his chest. “Maybe it doesn’t work on people like me.”
“It does,” he assured. “You may have symptoms like this when I pray. Some demons require a lot of prayer and fasting.”
“What’s… fasting?” she murmured as he gently rocked her.
“It’s when you deny your body something it normally is accustomed to having. Like food. Some people fast other things, it can be anything that would be a sacrifice to give up. And you pray while you fast.”
“Like… coffee?”
He smiled and nodded. “Yes. That works.”
“That would be a huge sacrifice for me. But… I don’t really know how to pray.”
“There’s nothing to it.”
She snuggled her face in his chest and it made him wanted to never let her go. “I heard you pray, you’re very good at it.”
“Nah,” he said, loving her sincerity. “God and I are tight, but I always try to speak to him in a respectful way. And… I also pray a certain way when I pray publicly.”
“How do you pray privately? If you can say.”
“I just talk to him, really.”
“Like how?”
“Like I’m talking to you now.”
“And… he’s okay with that?” she wondered, sounding intrigued.
“I haven’t been struck down yet, so, I think so,” he chuckled.
“He’d never strike you down,” she said softly. “You’re so good.”
“Only because of God and his love. He healed me, he transformed me.”
“What did he have to heal you from?”
“Well… I lost my whole family when I was sixteen,” he said. “I stayed behind with Gramma G one year. We always went to Paradise for a small vacation in the summer. And that year I threw a fit, I didn’t want to go. So, they let me stay with Gramma. They got in a fatal accident halfway there and all died. Mom, dad, my sister, my baby brother. All in one day.”
She suddenly straightened in his lap, tears falling down her face. She lunged on him, hugging his neck tight. “I’m sorry Daniel. I’m so sorry,” she cried bitterly.
Daniel couldn’t keep himself from returning the hug, letting her comfort him, letting himself receive it. Then came the sudden turn in the storm. Her hot breath seared his neck, followed by the press of her lips along his skin, soft kisses over and over. He struggled to determine what sort they were even as his body interpreted they were the kind to light him on fire. But what if she were just comforting him? He didn’t want to dare ruin that beautiful gift.
He didn’t have to endure the torment long before he got his answer when her kisses began to move along his cheek. Daniel pulled back, out of her reach. “Hey,” he whispered. “You don’t need to do this.”
She paused and pulled back too, looking at him with that tormented gaze. “But… I need to.”
Fuck. Not the answer he was expecting. “You think you need to,” Daniel said. “Because it’s all you’ve ever known to do or had.”
She held his gaze for a few seconds then lowered it, nodding. “You’re right. It is.” She slowly made her way out of his lap and stood. “I need to wash my face,” she said, not looking at him.
He grabbed hold of her wrist, stopping her. He knew she was hurt by the way she didn’t look at him. “I just need to teach you, Nineveh. How precious you are. I need you to learn your worth. And the way I teach you that, is by being the kind of man you deserve when you’re broken.” He stroked his thumb over her skin. “Other men would use this and take advantage. That’s wrong. I want you to know how a man should be. So I’m being that man for you. That way, when you’re healed from all of this, and another man enters your life, then you’ll know what to look for.”
She swiped at her averted face, telling him she was crying again. “I know Daniel. I have no doubt I’ll survive my choices.”
She pulled out of his hold and hurried out, and Daniel watched her, wondering over the rest of her statement. She’d no doubt survive her choices. But there was something lingering, unsaid. And the feeling in his stomach said it had to do with him.
****
Daniel sat there, listening. She’d washed her face and now was up in the kitchen, it sounded like. He glanced at the clock behind him. Lunch time. He needed something to distract her. Being there with her for the next however many hours after that little episode wasn’t happening. And he wasn’t ready to make her put on a face with Gramma, she needed more time.
He went into the kitchen and sat on the bar stool. “How about I take you to eat a few towns over. You can pick up some clothes at one of the malls while we’re out.”
She plopped the loaf of bread on the counter and turned to the fridge. “You have any mayo? I mean sure, whatever you want to do, I’m just hungry now.”
Her tone was way too casual for somebody having just been in tears thirty seconds ago. He’d play it by ear, let God lead. He eyed her current attire. “You’re free to look in my stuff for something else to wear till we get there.”
She slathered mayo on her bread. “Nah, this is good.” She squirted mustard next then, ketchup, drowning the slice of turkey, before smashing the sandwich with her hand until it was flat as a pancake. She opened the drawer and pulled out a butter knife and cut it up into about nine tiny squares.
“That’s different,” he mused.
“I like keeping it fun.” But her tone was empty as she closed up the bread and remaining condiments. She put away all the fixings then took her plate around the snack bar and sat on the recliner where she began counting her squares. Her finger stopped on a random one and she lifted it out of the grid and ate it, then counted them again and did the same with the next random square. He watched her, dying to ask about it, as she repeated the cycle till they were all gone.
She eyed him, chewing her last square, nodding at h
im. “It wasn’t chance. It was a formula. It you hadn’t seen me counting, it would look like I was just randomly picking, but I wasn’t.” She angled her head a little and squinted.
Daniel realized she did that when she was having a big thought about something and he held his breath, eager to hear.
“I think maybe this is how God works. People see everything, it looks so chaotic. But it’s not, it’s scientific. Top scientific shit, I mean. Can you imagine God’s science to ours? You know, I hear these mathematicians talk about how everything is random and chaotic. She slid her tongue along her lips as she shook her head and looked at him. “I’m no mathematician,” she said. “Some math, just looking at the process makes my head hurt. And I bet you anything, these brilliant math folks are just like me when it comes to God’s math. The only difference is? I know I’m stupid,” she pointed at herself. “So tell me how they can’t know that when they look at what seems like “chaos” that they’re seeing genius beyond their little minds? I mean they are looking at math in progress! And they even know they are!” She squinted at him again, wagging her finger, like she was figuring this out as she went. “I bet you anything if they just asked God, He’d be happy to show them his math tricks, too. Because He’s a good God and that means He’s nice too. But maybe not to assholes,” she said with raised brows, adding another puzzle piece to her little mix.
She shot out of her chair and headed to the sink with her plate and proceeded to start washing the dishes while going on about math theory. Meanwhile, Daniel was still mind-blown by the staggering simplicity of her understanding about God. Like a child. Just like God said we had to become in order to inherit the Kingdom.
Daniel knew that God put her in his path to help her out of that life. And now, he was seeing more. He was seeing that she had a purpose for something. He could feel it inside every time she spoke about God. She had such brilliant vision. Whatever God had planned for her, she was going to be great. At whatever she did, wherever she went, whoever she went with, she would become something beautifully brilliant.
I’m listening God. My mind is open and my heart is yours. Lead me with Nineveh. Help me help her.