“Oh, I thought that idiot on the news looked familiar.”
“Yep, that’s me. But everywhere I go there is a very angry mob of people following me so… you might need to come to mine, is that ok?”
“It is, Mr President, what time would you like me?”
“Eight is fine. Do you want me to order some food in?”
It would be so easy to say yes, however, I’ve had a takeaway three times this week. Having a fourth would be taking the piss. Besides, I had just found some leftover salt and pepper chicken in the fridge from last night. That doesn’t count as a fourth takeaway meal, right?
“No, don’t worry about food. I’ll eat before I get to you.”
“Brill, ok, see you soon.”
I quickly got a bath running and went downstairs to the fridge to nibble on left-over food. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to eat leftover Chinese food a day later. It was too nice to throw away. By seven forty-five, I was ready to go.
Dan had a bottle of wine open and ready to serve when I got there. He looked different to the last time I saw him. His dark hair was longer and almost reaching his eyes, and he had finally taken that earring out.
“Cheers.” We both clinked our glasses like we were toasting in the new year. Once we had exchanged pointless small talk and decided that white wine was the best wine, we made our way upstairs. One hour later, I was a very satisfied woman.
“Would you like some more wine?” he asked.
“No, thanks, I’m fine.”
He lifted his arm up and I moved in to snuggle in his nook. As much as I loved the sex-only part of our relationship, it was nice having someone to cuddle up to. Having his arms wrapped around me made me feel secure and being with him was so easy. It was never awkward between us. Now I could fall asleep perfectly happy and relaxed, and I did, quite quickly.
What was that popping sound? Was that me? No, surely not. I’ve not farted in my sleep for years. I did have a strange pain in my tummy though, that leftover Chinese was probably not a good idea. No, I didn’t. I think Dan is asleep as he is breathing quite heavily, so he can’t have heard anything. I must have dreamt it.
Pop.
Was that me again? I think it was. Why am I farting in my sleep? Why now? I don’t think Dan is asleep anymore, maybe it’s him? It must be. I’ll go back to sleep.
Pop.
Holy crap, it’s me. Not only am I farting in my sleep, I’m farting myself awake. That was unmistakeably coming from my arse. What the hell? I must try and stay awake so I can hold it in. Must stay awake. Must stay…
Pop.
For god’s sake, this is getting ridiculous now. Why am I so bloody bloated? And why tonight of all nights? He’ll never let me come over ever again! I can’t even check my phone to see what time it is as he’ll know that I’m awake because I keep farting myself awake. I just need to find a way to pass the time until morning and sneak my way out of the house before he notices. Now, what would pass the time? How can I make myself stay awake all night?
Pop.
I may die of embarrassment before morning.
12
Please tell me it was all a dream? That I did not spend all night trumping in Dan’s bed? Otherwise, please tell me it is really early so I can sneak out before he notices me gone? I opened my eyes and could see the light from outside, it was morning. Now just to check that Dan is asleep. When I turned my head towards him, however, he wasn’t there. Where’s he gone? Did I fart him out of bed? Oh, don’t joke. Maybe he’s just in the loo.
I quietly climbed out of bed and found my phone in my trouser pocket. It was just past nine o’clock. So much for getting up early and sneaking out. I quickly threw my clothes on and headed out to the landing. I could hear the TV on downstairs which meant Dan couldn’t stand staying in bed with me and my gas. It also meant that I couldn’t leave without facing him. Well, I can’t hide up here all day.
My heart suddenly began pounding as I started walking down the stairs, getting closer and closer to the bottom. I need to act like nothing happened.
“Morning.” I tried to sound nonchalant as I walked into the kitchen. I could smell toast and coffee which made my belly grumble.
“Ey up, sleepy head.” He smiled. “You were out like a light last night.” He took a big bite of his toast.
“Was I?” Please don’t tell me about the farting.
“Yea, so was I really but I think you dropped off first. Must have been the wine.”
“Yes, it must have been. Erm, I need to get off.”
“Don’t you want any breakfast? You usually eat me out of house and home when you’re here.” It’s true. He usually does the works for me; eggs, bacon, toast, beans, tomatoes, home-made hash browns, the lot. He knows my appetite very well. “I’ve got everything out ready to start, I just didn’t know what time your lazy arse was gonna come down.”
“No, I’m sure. I’ve got loads to do.” I headed to the table to pick up my bag and then walked to the door. “Last night was great though, just what I needed.”
He put down his toast and followed me to the door.
“It was great to see you, Jenny, as always. Oh, and Jenny?” he said as I just stepped outside.
“Yes?” I turned around to face him.
“I’ll smell you later.” He winked.
Bollocks. I gave him a quick smile but turned before he could see my face turning beetroot. I could still hear him laughing as I got to my car. I got away as quickly as I could. I can’t believe that happened. Why last night of all nights when I was with someone? It couldn’t have happened when I was on my own, which is every other bloody night of the year. He’ll never want to see me again.
As soon as I pulled up outside my home, I could hear my phone ringing from inside my bag. I didn’t even want to look in case it was Dan calling to take the piss. It wasn’t, it was worse than that. Much worse…
“Hello mother.”
“Well you don’t sound happy this morning. What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing, rough night, had a dodgy takeaway.” I pulled my key out of the ignition but decided to stay put so she wouldn’t know I was just getting home after spending a night out. A one-night stand won’t put a ring on it, Jenny. The last thing I needed this morning was an interrogation into my premarital antics.
“You have too many takeaways. You’re not twenty anymore Jennifer. Your metabolism isn’t what it used to be. Soon you won’t just be single, you’ll be fat too. Then you’ll never meet a man. Is that what you want?”
“What do you want mother?” I’m not in the mood for her lectures today. Any other day I can take it, but not after my embarrassing night. I just want to curl up in a ball and sulk.
“I’ve found you a man. He’s an artist.’ She said in a way that suggested this was impressive. ‘It’s Jean’s son, you know her, next door’s sister? You met her once when you were eight.”
“No, I don’t remember.”
“Yes, you do! It was 1996, you wore that blue dress to Viv and John’s wedding. You remember them, John played football with your dad.”
“No, I don’t remember.”
“Why can’t you remember?”
“Because it was twenty-two years ago!”
“Well anyway, Viv is friends with Margaret who lives next door, so Margaret and her sister Jean were at the wedding. That’s where you met her. Jean’s son is single, and I’m told he is a catch. It’s all been arranged. You’re meeting him next Saturday morning at eleven o’clock. The Costa Coffee in Halifax, he’ll be there waiting for you.”
How sad can one’s life become when even your own mother is setting you up with strangers…
“Hang on, how do you know I’m not seeing someone already?”
“Because I know you. By the time I was your age, I was married with two children. All you have is a demented cat.”
Now, it’s one thing for me to insult Bing, but I’m not having anyone else call him names.
“Do
n’t say that about Bing! He’s a unique character with specific needs.”
“He’s the devil incarnate. Aren’t you forgetting that he peed in my bag?”
Oh yes, I had forgotten. That was hilarious. I gave him a whole tin of tuna after he did that. It made my year.
“Anyway,” my mother continued, “next Saturday. Rob will meet you there. Dress nicely. Talk about interesting things. Don’t be late! And Jenny?”
“Yes, mother?”
“Have you heard from your brother? They’re having a boy!” I’ve never heard her sound so happy. “Finally, after two girls they’re having a boy. Isn’t that wonderful?”
“Amazeballs.”
“Amaze-what?”
“Never mind, I have to go. Bye.”
“Next Saturday!”
“I’ll be there! Goodbye!”
13
Thursday night. That was the night. The only night that Phil and I were both free, but not to go out to meet in person as he was at a hotel in Birmingham for a work thing. This would need to be a FaceTime date. The benefit of this is I don’t need to rush to have a shower to make sure that I smell as fresh as a daisy, that my armpits are shaved and that my breath doesn’t smell of the garlic chicken sandwich from lunch time. But, of course, I am a woman which means I want to look my absolute best.
I was so excited to finally speak to him and see his face. We have been speaking almost every day this week and I really like him. We have so much in common and every time my phone buzzed with a message from him my heart skipped a beat.
I rushed home from work, so I could wash, dry and straighten my hair. I made sure my makeup was perfect and practised holding my phone at different angles in different parts of the house to see which light worked better and was the most flattering. I had kicked Bing out of the house for the evening, so he couldn’t interrupt or cause me any kind of embarrassment.
And so, it was soon eight o’clock. I was ready. I was fabulous. I would not mess this up.
“Well hello!” I said as his face appeared on my screen. I gave him my best smile and was pleased when he smiled back. It was such a warm smile. He had great teeth too.
“Hey there,” his face was quite close to the camera, “you look incredible.”
“Thank you,” I blushed slightly, “it’s nice to finally see you, it’s a shame we couldn’t meet in person.”
“I know, it really sucks. But here we are.” He seemed to zoom the camera away and he was topless. I could see his bare shoulders, a tribal tattoo covered the top of one of his arms. He was quite muscly, which outweighed his tardiness at not bothering to put a t-shirt on. I could forgive that I suppose. He’s away from home in some hotel, he needs to be relaxed and comfy. “So, how was your day?”
“It was good, quite quiet really which is always a nice way to end the week. How was…erm,” the camera zoomed out a little bit more, revealing more of his flesh. “how was your day?”
“Oh, it was great, quite chilled so I hit the gym after work. I love working out, do you?”
“Erm, well, not really. I think if it’s a hobby then great but I’ve never been interested in the gym. Which one…do, erm, which gym… are you naked?”
The camera had zoomed further out and there was the unmistakeable hint of a cock staring down the camera lens. Complete with testicles.
“Yea, do you like what you see?” He gave me a wink and angled the camera down to show me more of his manhood. I had to tilt the phone away. I can’t look a penis in the eye.
“Well, I wasn’t expecting to see it, I mean you. Why the hell are you naked?”
“This is a date, I’m gutted that you’re fully clothed.” The camera went back to his face and was looking quite low at his screen, as though trying to look at my cleavage.
“So, if we’d made it to Ricci’s then you would have been stark bollock bloody naked then?”
“No, of course not, that would have come later.”
“Ok, Phil, goodbye.”
“Wait, wait, I can cover it up if you’re frigid.”
“Ciao!”
What the hell happened then? I don’t even know what happened. Was he seriously naked on the other end of his phone? He seemed so nice, what went wrong? That’s it. I’m deleting the app. I am never visiting another dating app or site ever again.
14
Usually, when walking into work on a Friday, I had a spring in my step knowing that it was almost the weekend. Today, however, I would happily fast forward straight to Monday and skip the entire weekend altogether. I was still cringing from my ‘date’ with Phil last night and my mother has called me every night to make sure I would not forget to meet up with this Rob tomorrow, making me repeat the time and location to her. I’ve not even met him yet and already I hate him, which is really unfair. He could be such a nice guy. Artists are usually quite… truth be told, I’ve never met an ‘artist’. I didn’t think that could be a job title these days. Van Gogh was an artist. David Hockney is an artist but he’s from the era where there were no computer graphics. Nowadays, people who enjoyed doing art in school usually became graphic designers or other sort of creatives. There hasn’t exactly been a mad rush for a new Bob Ross style TV show.
I was having a particularly frustrating morning. Every member of the public was being difficult, one moron after another. It was like they could sense my mood and so headed straight for me to discuss their problems. And once again, my cup of tea had gone cold before I’d had a chance to drink it. Could this day get any more annoying?
Things in the staff kitchen weren’t any better. The dishwasher hadn’t been unloaded, the kettle was left empty and the milk had been left out to go warm. I reached into the cupboard but there were no tea bags left.
“Oh, for fucks sake!” I don’t make a habit of swearing at work, but as I was alone…
“Everything ok?”
I spun around and there he was in all his glory. Black suit trousers, a crisp white shirt with the top button undone and his hair so perfectly messy. He must have been stood behind the door as I came in but I just totally missed him, which is so unlike me. I can usually sense him around.
“Zack, I didn’t know you were here today.”
I can’t believe he witnessed my tantrum, I’m mortified. Please don’t let me blush.
“I got here about half an hour ago, but you looked to be in deep conversation with a customer. Is everything ok?” he looked deeply concerned.
“Erm, yes, why?”
“Your expletive outburst.”
“Oh, right,” it seemed so petty, “I’m having a pretty crappy morning, and someone has had the last tea bag without going out to buy more. I really need a cuppa. No, scratch that, I need a pint of wine.”
“Oh dear, at least it’s Friday, weekends are never a bad thing.”
“Well, this one might be.” I sulkily closed the cupboard and left my empty cup in the sink. “I’m being forced into another blind date, this time by my mother. If this were medieval times, I would have been married off at thirteen to the first man who took an interest.” I don’t think I could have sounded any gloomier if I’d tried. He must think I am a proper miserable sod.
“Are you not even a little bit excited?” He walked across the kitchen and stood next to me. “You never know, he might be an alright guy.”
“Would you trust your mother to find you someone that you’d like?”
“Hmm, fair point. Look, it might not be as bad as the picture you’re painting in your head. And if it is… get a friend to call you with a problem so you have to leave.” He did some air quotes as he said ‘problem’.
“Yeah,” I smiled, “I never thought of that.” I had seen that done a few times in movies and on TV, I don’t know why Sarah and I never used that trick. It would have saved me from a lot of painfully dull, disastrous dates.
“I’m glad I could help.” His smile could make me feel better in any situation. “Anyway, I’ve just been called back to the main offic
e, so I need to go.” He put his jacket on and picked up his bag. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back out. Good luck for tomorrow. I hope it goes well.”
“Thank you. Have a good weekend.”
“You too.”
He opened the door and with one final beautiful smile, he was gone. Well, that was a miniature treat to boost the rest of my day. I’m still pissed that I can’t have a cuppa, but it’s lunch time in a couple of hours so I can go out and buy something then. If I can create a photo memory of Zack’s smile then that should help me get through the rest of my day. I could even try and stretch it out to last me all of tomorrow too.
I hung out in the kitchen for longer than I should have done. If I was going to be deprived of some caffeine then they can all be deprived of me doing any proper work for the rest of the morning. Honestly, I only dared to stay in there until five minutes after I should have been back. No one seemed to notice me as I walked back to my desk. Although when I got there, there was something odd by my keyboard. In front of it was a Costa takeaway cup, a small bag and a piece of paper. I picked up the paper and read the message;
I hope this cheers you up, try and have a good afternoon – Zack
I think my heart just exploded.
In the cup was a steaming hot tea and inside the bag was a little gingerbread man. Suddenly my face became adorned with a little giddy schoolgirl’s grin. It was the best present I had ever gotten.
I sat down before anyone noticed my ridiculous smile that would not be disappearing anytime soon. I logged back on to my computer and sent him an email.
Thank you for the tea, much appreciated! I owe you one
Delete. Too much excitement.
Hey, thanks so much for the tea and biscuit. You’ve no idea how…
Delete. Too much information.
Thank you :) X
That would do nicely. I took a sip of my tea and put the biscuit in my bag for later. I thought very seriously about framing it, but it looked too nice not to eat. I looked up from my computer to the hoard of miserable customers in front of me, huge smile across my face.
Blind Date Page 5