by J. Daniels
“Mom!” Oliver panted his breaths and pushed his glasses up his nose when they started sliding down. “Did you ask Nate yet?”
“No, not yet,” I answered, bringing my leg over the bench seat so I was sitting sideways, making it easier to see everyone better. I tugged on the hem of my shorts.
“Ask me what?” Nathan picked Marley up when she ran over.
She stood on his thighs and giggled at Oliver as he leaned out of her grasp.
“We want to play Putt-Putt,” Oliver announced, bobbing and weaving Marley’s hands. “Mom said she wasn’t sure what your plans were after ice cream.”
“It’s also Nathan’s day with Marley, so if he wants to do something with just her, like Putt-Putt, we’re going to go.”
Olivia stood in front of Nathan and pouted as if she’d just heard the worst news of her life. Her braids looked messy now from playing.
“Can’t this be our day, all five of us?” she asked, peering up at him.
“Olivia,” I warned. Wow. Way to lay on the guilt trip.
“Please, Nate!” Oliver begged. “You want to spend time with us too, right?”
“Oliver, you shouldn’t ask someone a question like that. You’re putting them on the spot.” I stood then, slipping my hand through the strap of my wristlet.
“Smart kid,” Nathan said, getting to his feet as well. He shifted Marley to his left arm. Then he ruffled Oliver’s hair and looked between him and his sister, asking, “So, what’s the plan? Are we playing teams or what?”
Olivia’s face lit up. “Yes! I want to be on your team!” she shrieked.
“Me too!” Oliver punched the air. He tugged on his sister’s hand. “Come on, Livvy, let’s go pick our colors.”
They took off in a sprint, crossing the gravel lot after looking both ways for cars. The Putt-Putt course shared parking with the Arctic Circle, so I didn’t mind them running ahead. I could see them even when they reached the small, hutlike building where you paid for your game and received your ball and putter.
Marley reached out for me as the three of us moved away from the table and followed behind the twins. I situated her on my hip.
“Are you sure this is okay?” I asked Nathan. We stepped off the curb together. The gravel popped beneath our feet. “I feel like we’re invading your time with her. I’d hate to do that, Nathan.”
He smirked as he stared ahead. “Jenna, if I didn’t want to hang out with you and your kids, I wouldn’t have called you. Or texted you, which was just my lead-in to call.”
My stomach clenched. I suddenly became hyperaware of every pulsing beat of my heart.
“And if it wasn’t obvious already, we never had plans to come here today. I was lying.” He looked at me then, adding with sincerity in his voice, “I’m sure this is okay.”
I pressed my lips to baby-soft hair, hiding the smile I couldn’t help. Then I playfully narrowed my eyes at him.
“What?”
“Is this really your favorite spot to get ice cream?” I asked.
He looked ahead, mouth twitching.
I never got a response.
Chapter Eight
NATHAN
One Week Later
Wake up, Nathan.”
I opened my eyes and blinked into the darkness of my bedroom. Labored breaths left me, and my heart was pounding. I knew it was early, yet I was already wide awake and restless. I always was when I woke from a dream. From that dream…
Turning my head on the pillow, I reached for my glasses and slipped them on. I stared at the alarm clock on the nightstand until the fluorescent numbers came into focus: 4:27 a.m.
I still had another hour until I’d be forced to get up. I was opening at the restaurant today. I supposed I could go downstairs and work out now instead of waiting, but I found myself stretching for my phone instead. The screen glowed above me as I studied Jenna’s number. My thumb hovered over the icon to call.
I wanted to talk to her. Exercise cleared my head, but my conversations with Jenna stilled that gnawing ache inside me, among other things. I liked talking to her. Even if I didn’t tell her about my last memory of Sadie and the guilt I had over it, I knew I’d feel better simply listening to her voice. I could imagine our dialogue.
She’d ask about Marley, because she always did. She’d wonder if my daughter was awake yet and how her night had gone. Did she go to bed for me okay and It’s easy, isn’t it? Once you’re comfortable with her, she’s comfortable with you. She’d have excitement in her voice. My bond with Marley affected Jenna profoundly. It was pure and selfless and went beyond contentment for us. I wanted to know what exactly it meant to her, but before I could ask, she would wonder about me.
Maybe she would think something was wrong since I was calling her so early. I was sure she’d be able to tell without me saying a word, because she had this uncanny ability to read my discomfort. She did it that first day in my office. She’d do it now.
The call would connect, and Jenna would ask if I was okay. She’d wonder if it was Sadie, and if I told her Yes…how did you know? She would say something I needed to hear.
But I didn’t want to wake her. Jenna would try to hide her sleep-heavy voice from me. She wouldn’t want me to feel bad for reaching out, but I would. I didn’t want to talk to her about this anyway. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I closed out of her contact info and pulled up my texts, reading the message I’d ignored yesterday out of habit.
July 4th 4:00. Hope to see you and Marley.
I dialed the number instead of responding. The call connected on the third ring.
“This can’t be Nathan Bell calling me right now. I must still be asleep. I should still be asleep, you rude motherfucker. Do you have any idea what time it is?”
I chuckled and sat up, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. “Hey, man. I…” My tongue froze inside my mouth. I scrambled for words. They sounded foreign to me.
What the hell was I supposed to say to my best friend after shutting him out for nearly two years?
I ran a hand through my hair, clearing my throat. “Hey, man,” I repeated. It seemed like a good place to start.
“It’s good to hear from you. Even if it is early as shit.”
I chuckled.
“You all right?”
“Yeah…sorry. I know I should’ve called sooner.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
He was giving me a pass. One I didn’t deserve.
“No, I know it’s been too long…I’ve been meaning to reach out.”
“Seriously, man. I could go ten years without speaking to you, and it wouldn’t change a damn thing.”
My mouth twitched. “You’re wrong, Davis.”
“How am I wrong?”
“Ten years? You’d be bawling your fucking eyes out right now if I put that much time between calls. Admit it.”
He was silent for a moment, and then he broke into quiet laughter. “Bastard.”
I stood from the bed and swiped the switch on the wall, illuminating the room in soft light. Then I slouched into a nearby chair. The leather was cool against my back.
“All kidding aside, it’d be messed up if I pushed it any longer.”
His response was immediate. “I’d understand it.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“Look, man, we’re cool. I get it. We all get it.”
He was referring to the rest of my old teammates. A handful of us remained close after graduation though Davis was the only one who was persistent in trying to stay in touch with me. The rest of them had given up after a year.
“None of us knows what you went through, obviously,” he continued. “But we all loved Sadie.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“How are you? What’s going on? I get updates from your dad. I know the restaurant is doing well.”
That revelation shook my head. “He never told me he spoke to you.”
“It wasn’t like I called all the tim
e. Just every few months or so. I think it helped him, talking about you to someone. He was worried.”
“Yeah.” I picked at the leather seam on the armrest. “I need to get over there and see him and my mom. I’m doing better. I just…I wouldn’t deal with it before. I am now. Slowly, I’m getting through it.”
“That’s awesome, man. I’m glad to hear that. How’s Marley?”
I smiled. “Good. Getting big. I’m biased, but she’s really fucking cute. You should see her.”
“What about on the Fourth? Are you coming or what?”
I immediately thought about Jenna and the twins. I knew what to expect at Davis’s party. I used to go to them every year. He went all out on the Fourth. Oliver and Olivia would have a blast. I could picture their faces watching the fireworks. Marley’s too. I’d never taken her to see them before. I wanted to. I wanted this memory for us.
“I keep it kid friendly,” Davis shared, misreading my hesitation. “Everyone brings their families now. Marley would have fun, trust me.”
“No, I’m sure she would,” I agreed. “I was thinking about inviting this woman who’s been watching Marley for me. She has two kids. Marley’s really gotten close with them. I know she’d like it if they came. Do you mind if they tag along?”
“Hell no. Bring them. More the merrier and shit.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“Don’t thank me, Nate. I’m just glad to hear you’re coming.”
Head rolling to the side, I peered out the window at the ocean. Sunlight burned across the horizon, painting the water in streaks of light.
“It’s going to be weird being there without Sadie,” I said.
“I understand that.”
“Or maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll be fine…Is that fucked up? I’m not sure which is worse.”
“You know what? Let’s just play it out. If you’re not feeling it and you need to go, no one is gonna say shit. Do what’s best for you and Marley. Or if you’re fine, which is how I think Sadie would want you to be, no one is gonna say shit about that either.”
“I don’t give a fuck about what anyone would say. That’s not it.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I sighed and sat forward, hunching over in the chair. I rubbed at my face. “Nothing…I don’t know. It’s early.”
“No fucking shit, you bastard. You’re the one who woke me up.” We laughed together.
“Maybe it’ll just be what it is, man,” Davis offered, no trace of humor in his voice anymore. “Not wrong or fine without her. Just new, you know? Different…”
I considered this. Different wasn’t bad—I was living it. This new normal…life without Sadie. I didn’t hate it. I didn’t want it either, and if I’d had a choice I’d never have asked for this, but it didn’t feel wrong anymore. It just simply was.
Maybe Davis was right.
“Damn.” He sounded impressed.
“What?”
“I just got real profound before five a.m. That does not typically happen.”
I smirked. “Is this your way of saying you’d like a wake-up call every day? I could arrange that.”
“If you call me again this early, I’ll drive the two hours instead of answering and beat the shit out of you.”
I chuckled. I was already feeling better. “It’s good to talk to you, man,” I said, meaning it. I missed this.
“I know. I’m a fucking delight.”
I shook my head and stood, crossing the room to my dresser. I pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. “All right. I’ll let you get back to your beauty sleep.”
“See you on the Fourth?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Good. Later, man.” The call disconnected.
As I sat on the edge of the bed, tying my sneakers, a text came through.
Call anytime. I’ll answer.
* * *
I got home that night just after seven, but instead of the laughter and animated voices I was used to hearing when I stepped up onto the porch, I heard yelling. Someone was clearly upset.
It was Oliver. That much was clear. I couldn’t make out what he was saying though. Jenna’s voice was raised too, just not as loud as Oliver’s.
I pushed the door open and stepped inside the house.
“It’s not fair!” Oliver screamed. “You don’t get it, Mom! You just don’t!” Tears ran down his reddened face. He was standing in front of the couch in his Boy Scout uniform, facing off with Jenna, who was cradling Marley against her chest a few feet away. My daughter was whining and burying her face in Jenna’s shirt. Olivia was on the love seat, slouched over and covering her ears.
“Oliver, please calm down,” Jenna said, glancing over at me and mouthing, I’m sorry, as I stepped farther into the room after securing the door. She turned back to Oliver. “We can talk about this later when you’re not so upset.”
“No!” He stomped his foot. “No, Mom! I don’t want to talk about this later…Nothing’s going to change! I’m not going!”
“Okay, fine, you don’t have to go…Nobody is making you go, baby.”
“What’s going on?” I asked, rounding the couch and stepping up beside Jenna. I took Marley from her, holding my daughter against my chest, then looked to Oliver just as more tears rolled down his cheeks.
I’d never seen him upset before. He was always happy.
“You okay, bud?” I asked him.
Oliver looked at me. His lip started quivering a second before he slapped his hands over his face and sobbed so hard, he nearly folded in on himself. His little shoulders jerked in distress.
Jenna moved closer, reaching out for him. “Oh, baby…I’m sorry.”
“I want to go,” he whimpered. “I want to go so bad, Mom. This isn’t fair…” He sniffled, lifting his head to peer up at her. Before Jenna could touch him, he jerked back and twisted out of reach, shouting, “Stop! Just leave me alone!”
Jenna straightened up and drew her hand against her chest.
Oliver scrambled onto the love seat with his sister, lying sideways with his back to us and curling himself into a ball. He cried into the armrest while Olivia patted his hip. She was crying now too.
“I’m so sorry,” Jenna whispered, turning away from them to face me. She had tears in her eyes now.
I rubbed Marley’s back and gestured for Jenna to follow me into the kitchen. “Come on. Let’s talk.”
She glanced back at her kids. “Can we go outside?” she asked, halting me at the slider.
“Yeah, of course.” I pulled the door open and followed her onto the deck. The evening sun dipped toward the horizon.
Jenna stepped up to the railing and looked below us. Her hands curled around the wood. “I just didn’t want them hearing,” she explained when I got beside her. She offered me a sad smile.
“What happened?”
“I’m sorry he was yelling like that in your house.”
“Jenna, I don’t care. He can yell wherever he wants.” I stepped closer. “What happened? Why is he so upset?”
Marley had settled down now and was rubbing her face against my shirt. She’d be asleep soon. I could tell she was tired. I pressed my lips to her hair and patted her back, watching Jenna gaze out at the ocean.
“Oliver’s Boy Scout troop has this father/son campout every year,” she began, her voice sad and small. “It’s really cool. They do all these special bonding activities—fishing, canoeing, build your own campfire, stuff like that. For the past two years, my brother has gone with him…I didn’t want Oliver missing out. Brian offered to go again this year, but Oliver doesn’t want him to go. Apparently, the other kids have been making fun of him. They know Brian isn’t his dad.” She shook her head. “I had no idea they were doing that. I can only imagine what they said.”
“Kids can be assholes,” I offered, jaw clenching through my speech. I began to wonder what all was said to him myself. I didn’t like knowing they’d upset him.
I waited, just kept watching her…I wanted to ask. I wanted to know—honestly, I had been curious about this for a while.
“Jenna.” She peered over at me. “Where is their dad?”
“Denver,” she answered. “Unless he’s moved. I wouldn’t know. We haven’t spoken in seven years.”
“He doesn’t talk to them?”
“No.” She turned her head toward the slider. “He never has.”
I stood taller. Anger pulsed through me, straining the muscles in my shoulders and neck. Her response caught me off guard. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting…a father who only checked in occasionally due to obligations or one who had passed away? Those excuses I could wrap my head around. Not this. I couldn’t understand this. Even if you weren’t on good terms with your kids’ mother…This dick never spoke to Oliver and Olivia? Not even once? Why the fuck not?
“Um, okay, long story short,” she began, looking down and away.
“Give me all of it,” I said. Our eyes locked. “For me to understand this, I’m going to need to hear all of it…if you don’t mind.”
I added that last bit on a rush when it dawned on me how personal this conversation was about to become and how invading this might feel to Jenna. I was practically ordering her to share this with me. I sounded desperate to hear it.
Truth be told, what I was feeling wasn’t far off. This information felt strangely vital.
Jenna nodded lightly. “We, uh, met in college. Freshman year…he was in my psych class. I had a huge crush on him.” She rolled her eyes at herself.
“Is that embarrassing to admit?”
“Well, the feelings weren’t exactly mutual.”
“Was this an online course?”
“No. We met three times a week.” Two lines formed between her brows. “Why?”
Because that would be the only explanation I’d understand. This jerk-off would have to be blind not to feel something for you.