by Mark Twain
INFORMATION WANTED
"WASHINGTON, December 10, 1867.
"Could you give me any information respecting such islands, if any, asthe government is going to purchase?"
It is an uncle of mine that wants to know. He is an industrious man andwell disposed, and wants to make a living in an honest, humble way, butmore especially he wants to be quiet. He wishes to settle down, and bequiet and unostentatious. He has been to the new island St. Thomas, buthe says he thinks things are unsettled there. He went there early withan attache of the State Department, who was sent down with money to payfor the island. My uncle had his money in the same box, and so when theywent ashore, getting a receipt, the sailors broke open the box and tookall the money, not making any distinction between government money, whichwas legitimate money to be stolen, and my uncle's, which was his ownprivate property, and should have been respected. But he came home andgot some more and went back. And then he took the fever. There areseven kinds of fever down there, you know; and, as his blood was out oforder by reason of loss of sleep and general wear and tear of mind, hefailed to cure the first fever, and then somehow he got the other six.He is not a kind of man that enjoys fevers, though he is well meaning andalways does what he thinks is right, and so he was a good deal annoyedwhen it appeared he was going to die.
But he worried through, and got well and started a farm. He fenced itin, and the next day that great storm came on and washed the most of itover to Gibraltar, or around there somewhere. He only said, in hispatient way, that it was gone, and he wouldn't bother about trying tofind out where it went to, though it was his opinion it went toGibraltar.
Then he invested in a mountain, and started a farm up there, so as to beout of the way when the sea came ashore again. It was a good mountain,and a good farm, but it wasn't any use; an earthquake came the next nightand shook it all down. It was all fragments, you know, and so mixed upwith another man's property that he could not tell which were hisfragments without going to law; and he would not do that, because hismain object in going to St. Thomas was to be quiet. All that he wantedwas to settle down and be quiet.
He thought it all over, and finally he concluded to try the low groundagain, especially as he wanted to start a brickyard this time. He boughta flat, and put out a hundred thousand bricks to dry preparatory tobaking them. But luck appeared to be against him. A volcano shoveditself through there that night, and elevated his brickyard about twothousand feet in the air. It irritated him a good deal. He has been upthere, and he says the bricks are all baked right enough, but he can'tget them down. At first, he thought maybe the government would get thebricks down for him, because since government bought the island, it oughtto protect the property where a man has invested in good faith; but allhe wants is quiet, and so he is not going to apply for the subsidy he wasthinking about.
He went back there last week in a couple of ships of war, to prospectaround the coast for a safe place for a farm where he could be quiet;but a great "tidal wave" came, and hoisted both of the ships out into oneof the interior counties, and he came near losing his life. So he hasgiven up prospecting in a ship, and is discouraged.
Well, now he don't know what to do. He has tried Alaska; but the bearskept after him so much, and kept him so much on the jump, as it were,that he had to leave the country. He could not be quiet there with thosebears prancing after him all the time. That is how he came to go to thenew island we have bought--St. Thomas. But he is getting to think St.Thomas is not quiet enough for a man of his turn of mind, and that is whyhe wishes me to find out if government is likely to buy some more islandsshortly. He has heard that government is thinking about buying PortoRico. If that is true, he wishes to try Porto Rico, if it is a quietplace. How is Porto Rico for his style of man? Do you think thegovernment will buy it?