by Mark Twain
A CURIOUS PLEASURE EXCURSION
--[Published at the time of the "Comet Scare" in the summer of 1874]
[We have received the following advertisement, but, inasmuch as itconcerns a matter of deep and general interest, we feel fully justifiedin inserting it in our reading-columns. We are confident that ourconduct in this regard needs only explanation, not apology.--Ed., N. Y.Herald.]
ADVERTISEMENT
This is to inform the public that in connection with Mr. Barnum I haveleased the comet for a term of years; and I desire also to solicit thepublic patronage in favor of a beneficial enterprise which we have inview.
We propose to fit up comfortable, and even luxurious, accommodations inthe comet for as many persons as will honor us with their patronage, andmake an extended excursion among the heavenly bodies. We shall prepare1,000,000 state-rooms in the tail of the comet (with hot and cold water,gas, looking-glass, parachute, umbrella, etc., in each), and shallconstruct more if we meet with a sufficiently generous encouragement.We shall have billiard-rooms, card-rooms, music-rooms, bowling-alleys andmany spacious theaters and free libraries; and on the main deck wepropose to have a driving park, with upward of 100,000 miles of roadwayin it. We shall publish daily newspapers also.
DEPARTURE OF THE COMET
The comet will leave New York at 10 P.M. on the 20th inst., andtherefore it will be desirable that the passengers be on board by eightat the latest, to avoid confusion in getting under way. It is not knownwhether passports will be necessary or not, but it is deemed best thatpassengers provide them, and so guard against all contingencies. No dogswill be allowed on board. This rule has been made in deference to theexisting state of feeling regarding these animals, and will be strictlyadhered to. The safety of the passengers will in all ways be jealouslylooked to. A substantial iron railing will be put up all around thecomet, and no one will be allowed to go to the edge and look over unlessaccompanied by either my partner or myself.
THE POSTAL SERVICE
will be of the completest character. Of course the telegraph, and thetelegraph only, will be employed; consequently friends occupyingstate-rooms 20,000,000 and even 30,000,000 miles apart will be able tosend a message and receive a reply inside of eleven days. Night messageswill be half-rate. The whole of this vast postal system will be underthe personal superintendence of Mr. Hale of Maine. Meals served at allhours. Meals served in staterooms charged extra.
Hostility is not apprehended from any great planet, but we have thoughtit best to err on the safe side, and therefore have provided a propernumber of mortars, siege-guns, and boarding-pikes. History shows thatsmall, isolated communities, such as the people of remote islands, areprone to be hostile to strangers, and so the same may be the case with
THE INHABITANTS OF STARS
of the tenth or twentieth magnitude. We shall in no case wantonly offendthe people of any star, but shall treat all alike with urbanity andkindliness, never conducting ourselves toward an asteroid after a fashionwhich we could not venture to assume toward Jupiter or Saturn. I repeatthat we shall not wantonly offend any star; but at the same time we shallpromptly resent any injury that may be done us, or any insolence offeredus, by parties or governments residing in any star in the firmament.Although averse to the shedding of blood, we shall still hold this courserigidly and fearlessly, not only toward single stars, but towardconstellations. We shall hope to leave a good impression of Americabehind us in every nation we visit, from Venus to Uranus. And, at allevents, if we cannot inspire love we shall at least compel respect forour country wherever we go. We shall take with us, free of charge,
A GREAT FORCE OF MISSIONARIES,
and shed the true light upon all the celestial orbs which, physicallyaglow, are yet morally in darkness. Sunday-schools will be establishedwherever practicable. Compulsory education will also be introduced.
The comet will visit Mars first, and proceed to Mercury, Jupiter, Venus,and Saturn. Parties connected with the government of the District ofColumbia and with the former city government of New York, who may desireto inspect the rings, will be allowed time and every facility. Everystar of prominent magnitude will be visited, and time allowed forexcursions to points of interest inland.
THE DOG STAR
has been stricken from the program. Much time will be spent in the GreatBear, and, indeed, in every constellation of importance. So, also, withthe Sun and Moon and the Milky Way, otherwise the Gulf Stream of theSkies. Clothing suitable for wear in the sun should be provided. Ourprogram has been so arranged that we shall seldom go more than100,000,000 of miles at a time without stopping at some star. This willnecessarily make the stoppages frequent and preserve the interest of thetourist. Baggage checked through to any point on the route. Partiesdesiring to make only a part of the proposed tour, and thus save expense,may stop over at any star they choose and wait for the return voyage.
After visiting all the most celebrated stars and constellations in oursystem and personally inspecting the remotest sparks that even the mostpowerful telescope can now detect in the firmament, we shall proceed withgood heart upon
A STUPENDOUS VOYAGE
of discovery among the countless whirling worlds that make turmoil in themighty wastes of space that stretch their solemn solitudes, theirunimaginable vastness billions upon billions of miles away beyond thefarthest verge of telescopic vision, till by comparison the littlesparkling vault we used to gaze at on Earth shall seem like a rememberedphosphorescent flash of spangles which some tropical voyager's prowstirred into life for a single instant, and which ten thousand miles ofphosphorescent seas and tedious lapse of time had since diminished to anincident utterly trivial in his recollection. Children occupying seatsat the first table will be charged full fare.
FIRST-CLASS FARE
from the Earth to Uranus, including visits to the Sun and Moon and allthe principal planets on the route, will be charged at the low rate of$2 for every 50,000,000 miles of actual travel. A great reduction willbe made where parties wish to make the round trip. This comet is new andin thorough repair and is now on her first voyage. She is confessedlythe fastest on the line. She makes 20,000,000 miles a day, with herpresent facilities; but, with a picked American crew and good weather,we are confident we can get 40,000,000 out of her. Still, we shall neverpush her to a dangerous speed, and we shall rigidly prohibit racing withother comets. Passengers desiring to diverge at any point or return willbe transferred to other comets. We make close connections at allprincipal points with all reliable lines. Safety can be depended upon.It is not to be denied that the heavens are infested with
OLD RAMSHACKLE COMETS
that have not been inspected or overhauled in 10,000 years, and whichought long ago to have been destroyed or turned into hail-barges, butwith these we have no connection whatever. Steerage passengers notallowed abaft the main hatch.
Complimentary round-trip tickets have been tendered to General Butler,Mr. Shepherd, Mr. Richardson, and other eminent gentlemen, whose publicservices have entitled them to the rest and relaxation of a voyage ofthis kind. Parties desiring to make the round trip will have extraaccommodation. The entire voyage will be completed, and the passengerslanded in New York again, on the 14th of December, 1991. This is, atleast, forty years quicker than any other comet can do it in. Nearly allthe back-pay members contemplate making the round trip with us in casetheir constituents will allow them a holiday. Every harmless amusementwill be allowed on board, but no pools permitted on the run of the comet--no gambling of any kind. All fixed stars will be respected by us, butsuch stars as seem to need fixing we shall fix. If it makes trouble, weshall be sorry, but firm.
Mr. Coggia having leased his comet to us, she will no longer be called byhis name, but by my partner's. N. B.--Passengers by
paying double farewill be entitled to a share in all the new stars, suns, moons, comets,meteors, and magazines of thunder and lightning we may discover.Patent-medicine people will take notice that
WE CARRY BULLETIN-BOARDS
and a paint-brush along for use in the constellations, and are open toterms. Cremationists are reminded that we are going straight to--somehot places--and are open to terms. To other parties our enterprise is apleasure excursion, but individually we mean business. We shall fly ourcomet for all it is worth.
FOR FURTHER PARTICULARS,
or for freight or passage, apply on board, or to my partner, but not tome, since I do not take charge of the comet until she is under way.It is necessary, at a time like this, that my mind should not be burdenedwith small business details.
MARK TWAIN.