If I Fall

by Amber Thielman

  “So,” I said finally. I reached for my cup of cocoa and slurped at the whipped cream on top. “Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Frank stared at me for a moment as if debating something in his head. I felt tense under his gaze. It had been ages since I’d felt comfortable around my father.

  “No,” he said. “I just wanted to see you.” The server brought our food, and Jay looked relieved to have something else to focus on besides the intensely awkward conversation at hand.

  “You look good,” I said to Frank, picking at my soggy toast. “Sober.”

  “I was just thinking the same about you,” he said, and for some odd reason, I felt a flutter of pride. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d given a fuck what he thought about me. Now, for some reason, I did.

  “Khloe just went through detox,” Jay said after a moment. I looked over at him sharply, but he didn’t seem to mind spilling my personal information all over the dining table. “It was hard for her, but she did it. I’m really proud of her.”

  “Why did I bring you?” I hissed under my breath, but I was taken by surprise as Frank reacted to Jay’s statement.

  “I am, too,” he said. “I’m proud of you.” He reached out and rested his hand on top of mine. I started to pull away, but then stopped, feeling my whole body go rigid as our skin touched. After a moment, he pulled his hand back. When I looked up at him, I saw a tear forming in the corner of his eye.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. My dad lowered his fork and rubbed his face, trying to brush it off.

  “I just missed you. You’re my daughter. You mean so much to me.”

  “Just not as much as alcohol,” I said. Beside me, Jay tensed up, but he didn’t say anything. Frank and I stared at each other for a moment, silent, listening to the chatter of breakfast-goers around us. Finally, he spoke.

  “I made a lot of mistakes,” he said. “But getting in that accident made me realize how much of my life I’d taken for granted.” He leaned forward, reaching for my hand again. This time I pulled away. “I’m sober, Khloe. I don’t plan to go back to booze or drugs again. Your mother may be gone, but you’re still here. As your father, it’s my duty to take care of you.”

  “I’m an adult,” I said. “I can take care of myself.” I didn’t believe that was true, of course, as Jay and Ty had been two of the only reasons I hadn’t ended up in a ditch somewhere unconscious and half-naked, but Frank didn’t need to know that.

  “Give me a chance,” he said. “I beg of you. Let me show you I can be clean and sober for you.” Jay glanced sideways at me then, encouraging, and it took impressive self-control not to punch him in the face. Instead, I cleared my throat and took another sip of hot cocoa.

  “Show me,” I said. “That’s all you can do.” Frank looked relieved with my answer as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I wanted so badly to remind him that if he hadn’t chosen to become a junkie in the first place, he wouldn’t have to make it up to me, but I didn’t. After all, I was no better. I’d followed the same path, made my own shitty choices. This was on both of us.

  “What’s been going on in your life?” he asked after a few minutes. “Anything worth mentioning?”

  “Not really,” I said. “Just struggling to put my life back together.”

  “Did you ever get your GED? I know you wanted to start college.”

  “No,” I said quietly, a bit caught off guard. I was surprised at how much it pained me to admit to that. “I haven’t been to school at all.”

  “Oh.”

  “But I might sign up for classes.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah.” I set my fork down and pushed my plate aside. “Once I get my GED. There are things I’ve always wanted to do,” I said. “Like finish school. Travel the world. Join the Peace Corps.”

  “So why don’t you?” Jay asked before Frank could open his mouth.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I guess I didn’t think I could.”

  “You can do anything,” Jay said. “The only limits in life are the ones you set for yourself.”

  “You’re like a motivational poster,” I joked. “Can I take you home and hang you on the wall?” From across the table, my father grinned.

  “Sure,” Jay said. He smiled. “That costs extra, though.”

  “You guys aren’t a couple?” Frank confirmed. He was watching us now, his gaze flickering back and forth between Jay and me. “You’re just friends?”

  “Just friends,” I said. “I’m not his type.”

  “Type?” Frank asked. His eyebrows shot up, and Jay laughed.

  “Khloe has breasts,” he said bluntly. It was so funny I couldn’t even bring myself to smack him again. Frank, however, looked mortified to think that his only precious daughter grew boobs. “I’m attracted to men.”

  “Oh,” Frank said. “You’re a homo.”

  “Dad!” I hissed, but Jay only laughed some more.

  “Yes. I’m gay. Khloe and I met through a mutual friend.”

  “What friend?”

  “Carter,” I murmured, and the table fell silent. Frank looked at me then, recalling what had happened during his drunken blackouts.

  “Carter,” he repeated. “I remember Carter. He was your best friend, Khloe.”

  “He was,” I said. “And he was Jay’s partner.”

  “Oh. Wow.” Frank crossed his arms and stared at us. “A lot has happened since you and I talked last, kid.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “It has. Funny what can happen while one is blackout drunk.”

  Frank closed his eyes as if trying to regain some composure. I felt bad for snapping at him, and yet I didn’t. I envisioned the night he was at my door, stumbling drunk and shouting. He’d been no father to me.

  “Look,” Frank said. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “You need to give me this chance, Khloe. Give me this chance to redeem myself. You can’t hate me forever.”

  “I don’t hate you, Dad,” I said. “I just don’t trust you.”

  I didn’t know what to expect when we parted ways with Frank after breakfast. I had the overwhelming urge to cry and scream and pout, but the other side of me wanted nothing more than to trust him and at least try to be happy about it. The visit had gone pleasantly well, considering everything that had torn us apart since my mother’s death. But I couldn’t help but question how truly serious he was about getting sober and clean. Would I eventually have my father back, the man who raised me, cared for me, and who’d actually been a loving father and husband at one time? Could he pull it off? Better yet, could I pull it off?

  “Were you serious about getting back into school?” Jay asked as we headed back to his place. “Like, is it something you would consider doing?”

  I hesitated for a second, feeling the cool breeze against my face as I rolled down the window.

  “I wanted to be a doctor,” I told him finally. “Well, a trauma surgeon. I was going to get my bachelor’s in nursing and then go on to med school.”

  “How come you stopped?”

  “Lots of reasons. Lack of motivation. Booze. Drugs. Drama. I miss it, but I guess I was always afraid to fail again. I mean, failing once is shitty enough. But twice? I didn’t want to face the humiliation.”

  “You know, they say that the only time someone can fail is when they stop trying,” Jay said.

  “Did you read that in your book of inspirational quotes?” I asked with a laugh.

  “It’s a calendar, actually,” he said with a grin. “An inspirational calendar. It’s hanging on the kitchen wall.”

  “My bad.”

  “You know it’s true, though, right?” Jay shot a glance in my direction. “I know you’re driven, Khloe. I can see it in you. It’s just a matter of getting you back on track.”

  “It’s hard,” I admitted. “Sometimes, all I want to do is lie down and give up.”

  “We all do,” Jay said. “B
ut the true fighters are the ones who stand up, dust off, and keep on going.” I turned and watched the scenery outside the window, mesmerized by the beautiful blue ocean glistening under the sun.

  “I’m getting there,” I murmured. “Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.”

  I was a week sober and antsy as hell. I’d been under the naive impression that dropping booze and drugs would somehow magically transform my life and make me feel better, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Instead, I found myself craving a drink more intensely now, but I stayed away from the liquor store, unable to handle the thought of disappointing Jay or Ty. Another big part of it was Frank. If he was true to his word and was getting sober, I could do it too. Why I really cared what Frank did or didn’t do was beyond me, but a small part of me wondered if we could do this together. I knew things would never be the same between us, but maybe, if anything, our lives would start to come together again.

  I spent the weekends cleaning my house to stay busy, all the while making valid attempts to ignore Jesse’s hundreds of calls and texts. I hadn’t heard from Ava since she’d bailed on Ty and me, and I had to make a valiant effort to avoid calling her. Jay told me that once she was ready for our help, she would come to us. I wondered if she would ever be ready for our help, or if she’d be ready for it in time. It frightened me to think of the endless possibilities that could happen if Ava stayed with the booze and drugs. Ava only had me, and I couldn’t help her if I couldn’t find her. Multiple times, I found myself thinking of Carter, wondering if I’d nipped this thing in the bud, would he still be here? Imagining Ava slipping down the same black hole terrified me, but I knew nothing could be done about it. Not yet, anyway.

  On Monday, Ty got off work early, and he came straight to my house as I was in the middle of scrubbing the countertops. He poured himself a glass of juice and handed me a pamphlet.

  “What’s this?” I asked, tossing the dirty sponge into the sink.

  “Just read it,” he said. I opened the paper and read it silently, feeling both excited and wary all at the same time. “Do you want me to go with you?” he asked after a moment. I lowered the pamphlet and stared down at it, feeling nervous for some unknown reason.

  “Yes,” I said. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

  “I can help you get registered,” Ty said. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

  “I don’t think I’m ready,” I said and handed it back to him. Ty put the pamphlet on the tabletop and stared at me, his eyes glistening with determination. I hated that look because it was a look Carter had given me so many times before.

  “Sure, you are.” Ty nodded with an assurance I didn’t understand. “You can do this, Khloe. I know you can. Jay knows you can.”

  “I can do a lot of things,” I admitted. “But getting my GED? Besides, even if I did pass and was able to sign up for classes, college isn’t like high school, Ty. You actually have to pass.” I laughed humorlessly, but Ty didn’t. He stood up, tucking the paper into his pocket.

  “You have an appointment at noon,” he said. “You should put on some pants.”

  “Pants?” I repeated. “But why?”

  “Trust me.” He stepped forward, a grin sneaking up at the corners of his mouth. He took hold of my hands and pulled me into him, his rock-hard arms embracing my body. “If it were up to me, you’d never wear pants again.” He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me, running one hand through my hair. I groaned and sunk into him, feeling a moment of ecstasy creep up. Being with Ty, I had come to find, was like being on top of the world. I had resisted him so intensely at first, terrified of falling. But alas, he’d won me over with that charming grin and those sharp, blue eyes. He was a kind soul, the kind of man a mother could only dream of her daughter being with someday. Ty was patient with me, and he was compassionate and doting and cared so deeply for the people who were close to him. The best part? He was straight, and he wanted me. But we hadn’t been intimate yet, and that was my fault. I didn’t know what I feared so deeply as I’d never had a problem jumping into the sack with the first male my eyes landed on, but that was then, and this is now. I was sober, struggling to hold myself above water every day, and I was still frightened that I would lose him as I’d lost so many others. I was so used to people walking away from me that I had an invisible guard up with Ty. I’d allowed myself to fall for him, but only so deep. The future of this relationship was to be determined, and Ty was as patient as ever.

  “Where have you been all my life?” I murmured, resting my forehead against his chest. He smelled of fresh aftershave, a smell I had come to adore.

  “Waiting to find you,” he said, tickling my ear with his breath. I closed my eyes and stayed silent for a moment, listening to his heartbeat in my ear.

  “Are you really going to make me do this?” I asked. “You know, the whole school thing?”

  “No,” he said. “I won’t make you do anything, Khloe.” He kissed the top of my head, letting his lips linger. “But I think this is something that you want, and I’m here to back you up. Okay? I won’t let you do this alone.”

  “Fine,” I said with an exaggerated sigh. “I guess it’s time to put on some pants then.”

  I don’t know why I was so nervous, but my hands shook as Ty drove us toward campus despite the firm grip he had on them. He parked the car, and I followed him through the student union building and up three flights of stairs, resisting the urge to pull away from him and flee. There were college kids all around us with book bags flung over their shoulders and laptop cases clutched in their hands. I kept my head down as we passed the college lunchroom, a place so familiar to Ava and me as we had spent plenty of time there scoping out the college guys. Even now, I didn’t feel like I would fit in with them. They were the smart kids. The do-gooders. The straight-shooters. I was, well, me.

  “I can’t do this,” I said, feeling a buzz of panic zap through me. “I don’t belong here, Ty. I haven’t even studied for this test. I’m not going to pass. People will make fun of me.”

  “This isn’t middle school, Khloe,” Ty said. “Nobody is going to put peanut butter in your hair or whisper mean things in your ear.”

  “How do you know that?” I hissed. Ty chuckled as he held open a door for me.

  “Because in college, people are adults,” he said. “Just trust me.”

  I knew it would do no good to argue, so I followed him down the hallway toward the registration office where they were holding the test I needed to take to get back on the right path. It was quiet in there—quiet and intimidating. I could hear my heart beating in my chest as I stopped and looked around, mentally measuring the distance from where I stood to the exit.

  “There,” Ty said. He pointed at the front desk. “Go sign in, and she’ll get you set up. I’ll be right here.”

  “You’re going to wait here until I take the entire test? It could be hours.” Suddenly, dread welled in my chest. I don’t know what I was afraid of. There was nothing to fear, it was just school. I tightened my grip on his hand, wary of letting go.

  “You can do this,” Ty said. He grinned and handed me the pamphlet. “Go.”

  I turned and faced the desk, my face burning red. There weren’t many ways to screw something like this up, but with my luck, I would manage to do just that.

  “What can I help you with, dear?” the receptionist asked. She was a plump woman. Plump with frizzy brown hair and glasses, but she seemed nice. No one had shunned me yet. I handed her the paper. Behind me, Ty was leaning up against the wall. I didn’t have to look at him to know that he was still smiling that charming smile that was enough to bring me to my knees.

  “I think I’m registered to take my GED test,” I said. She took the paper from me and skimmed over it. For a moment, I considered yanking it from her hand and bolting, but I didn’t. I stayed where I was, fearful, waiting to be rejected or laughed at or kicked out.

  “Excellent,” she said final
ly. I let out a breath of air, relieved. “Have you spoken with a guidance counselor?”

  “Not yet.”

  “That’s fine, dear. I’ll get you in once you’re finished with your test.” The woman smiled again, and I had the overwhelming urge to lean over the counter and hug her.

  “Thank you,” I said. I turned and looked over at Ty, who was watching me, still smiling slightly. “Thank you.”

  Once everything was said and done, I followed Ty back to the car, practically skipping circles around him. I’d have the results back from my test in just a few days, and if all worked out okay, then I could start in the spring semester. Who in their right mind could be so excited to face three months of grueling and time-consuming college classes? Well, this girl was. As I slid into the passenger seat, I had a sudden sense of relief, and on top of that relief, was pride, hope, and accomplishment. For the first time in a long time, I felt proud of myself.

  “Thank you,” I said to Ty. “Thank you for bringing me here. I wouldn’t have done it alone.”

  “I know,” Ty said. He flipped on his blinker and pulled back onto the main road. “I believe you can do this, Khloe. You’re made for it.”

  “Carter always thought so, too,” I admitted. “He said I had the brains and just lacked the motivation.”

  “I think being sober will help with that.” Ty looked over at me, his eyes twinkling with a hint of satisfaction, maybe even pride. It was quite the struggle not to undo my seat belt and straddle him.

  “That will be the hardest part,” I said. “Staying sober. All it would take is one drink, one hit, and I’d be done.”

  “We won’t let that happen,” Ty said. “You’re stronger than any drug, Khloe. You know it, and I know it.”