As Jay and Ava watched, I opened the journal, flipping through the pages, not really reading, just seeing. Then, my hand stilled in mid-turn, fingers freezing on the thin paper.
“What is it?” Jay asked. “What’s wrong?” With one hand still on the faded journal, I looked over at him.
“It’s the last entry,” I said. “It’s the last entry Carter wrote. And it’s dated the night he died. I’ve read everything else.” There was silence around me. Ava looked over, quiet, her eyes meeting mine. After a moment, Jay reached for the journal and took it from me, setting it down on the coffee table. It was then I noticed that my hands were shaking.
“I can’t do it,” I said. “I can’t read that entry.”
“You have to,” Ava said. “It may have an answer for you.”
“I can’t.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “That’s all there is left of him, Ava. If I read it, that’s the end. That’s it. It’s over.” I didn’t realize my tone had taken on that of a high-pitched freak-out until Jay reached for my hands and held them steady.
“Calm down,” he said. “We don’t have to do it tonight.”
“I can’t.” Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at Jay. My heart was racing, chest tight like I was on the verge of a heart attack. “I can’t do it. I can’t read the last thing of Carter I have.” Jay pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. I could feel his heart beating against my cheek, but it didn’t soothe me.
“I think this is just what you need,” Jay murmured in my ear. “And we’ll be here to hold you up.”
October, my favorite month. It had been seven months today. Seven months since Carter’s death. Seven months of pain and turmoil, strength, and friends and family. The cemetery was empty but beautiful. Peaceful. The leaves were crisp and colorful paving our way to the headstones. Ty waited back at the car, leaned back against the door, his arms folded as he watched us walk. He smiled, encouraging. I loved his smile.
“It only seems right to do it here.” I lowered myself to the ground, ignoring the feel of the wet grass and crisp leaves against my Levi’s. Ava sat down next to me, and Jay did the same on the other side. In front of us was the marble headstone, Carter’s name engraved in the rock along with a sketch of an angel, looking up toward the heavens. I opened the journal, flipping it to the very last page, and then reached out and rested my hand on the cold stone. My hands trembled, and a lump rose in my throat.
“Let’s read it one by one, in silence,” suggested Jay. “I’ll go first.” I nodded and handed the book over to him, my eyes trained on the grave in front of us. I was trying not to cry, but I wasn’t sure I would be successful. Beside me, Jay was reading to himself, his expression perfectly masked with no display of emotion. I pushed back the tears fighting to escape and took a deep breath. The silence was soothing, peaceful. Somewhere overhead, an owl hooted. I leaned into Ava, and she put one arm around me. A moment later, Jay handed me the journal. It felt oddly heavy in my hands, a reminder of everything that was no more. I closed my eyes to compose myself, took a calming breath, and looked down the read the last page, a page that was dated the night of his death.
March 31, 2018
I’m not doing this to hurt anybody. I’m not doing this to be bitter or angry or deceitful. I’m doing this because I want to. No, I need to. I’m doing this because if I didn’t, I don’t feel like I would ever truly belong in this world. Who knows, maybe I’ll see Logan again. Maybe somewhere up there in Heaven, where the ocean meets the stars, we can fish and laugh and be brothers again.
While I was on this earth, I experienced passion, friendship, and true love. Love for Jay, and love for myself. I pray from the sky above that Jay can make peace with who he is. I pray he can embrace the man he is meant to be instead of hiding from it. I believe in him. I hope he knows that.
Khloe, if you’re reading this, I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I know you’re hurting. I don’t doubt it. But please know that this is what I wanted.
Now, you have a decision to make. I’d like you to release this journal to the school. Make copies, print pages, do whatever you have to do put my words out there so other kids know they’re not alone. The gay ones, the confused, the sad, the dark-skinned, and the bullied… they’re not alone. No one is ever as alone as they feel.
And please, for the love of God, take care of yourself. Make me proud, Ladybug. I will never stop being your BFF & Ever, even in Heaven.
Jusqu’ a la procaine fois.
Take care of yourself, ami.
If you liked this book then check out:
Capture Me – A Lakewood Romance
BLURB
Engaged, abducted, and falling for a man accused of murder.
From the outside, Kass has it all. She’s on the fast track to medical school and newly engaged to the perfect guy, at least when he's sober. Beaten down by his abuse, Kass turns to cutting, her success hanging on a razor's edge.
She impulsively offers a handsome hitchhiker a ride to the next town. Logan seems kind, charming and sexy as hell until he pulls a weapon, forcing her to drive him across the country.
Logan has no intention of hurting anyone. Falsely accused of his sister's murder, he's on the run and in a race to find the true culprit.
As law enforcement closes in, Kass and Logan forge a deep connection, and Kass must choose between a past she's not even sure she wants anymore or a future that may not outlast the hour.
On a more serious note:
This book is a work of fiction but some situations discussed are of a sensitive nature.
If you or anyone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, has been a victim of assault or has a drug problem, please seek help or assist them to obtain help. Reporting the crime could possibly prevent another incident.
Crisis hotlines exist everywhere, so please don’t hesitate.
If you live in:
USA call RAINN - 1-800-656-HOPE
Canada call 1.888.407.4747 for help
UK call The Samaritans 116 123
Australia call Lifeline Australia 13 11 14
Dusk Till Dawn – Zayne ft. Sia
Let You Down – NF
It Ain’t Me – Kygo and Selena Gomez
Chandelier – Sia
Walk Me Home – P!nk
Sucker for Pain - Imagine Dragons, Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, Ty Dolla $ign, Logic
What About Us – P!nk
Numb – Linkin Park
Second Chance – Shinedown
Heavy – Linkin Park ft. Kiiara
Behind Blue Eyes- Limp Bizkit
Paper Dolls – Rob Thomas
One Less Day (Dying Young) – Rob Thomas
Click on the links below to check out my books
Lakewood Romance Series
Capture Me (A Lakewood Romance Book 1)
Covering the Quarterback (A Lakewood Romance Book 2)
Hearts on Fire (A Lakewood Romance Book 3)
Just a Love Song (A Lakewood Romance Book 4)
Young Adult
If I Fall
Cowgirls Don’t Cry
Contemporary Romance Novellas
Almost Paradise: A BBW Romance Novella
Billionaire’s Savior: A Billionaire Romance Novella
Midnight Pleasure: An Alpha Male Romance Novella
A Touch in the Dark: Sugar and Spice
Dear Friends,
If I Fall is a book so different from the rest, and I hope you have or will enjoy it. I started as a teenager writing dark young adult but then as I grew and burrowed my way into the business, I was told that romance is the way to go. I love romance, and it’s why I’ve written it for so long. But romance was nothing close to what I really enjoyed writing, and that is dark, angsty, real-life stories for those people out there who face these daily struggles. I was an angst-ridden teenager, and it’s during those times I wrote this book and then shelved it and never looked b
ack, until now.
Special thanks to my editors and formatters at Swish Design & Editing for making this book beautiful and working diligently to perfect it.
Thank you to Anna Bloom, my good friend and cover designer. My appreciation for you is over the moon. I sent the manuscript to you expecting the worst and got nothing but support and love for this book. Without you, I probably wouldn’t have put it out. Thank you.
Thanks to my PA, Samantha Blundell. Hiring you was one of the best decisions I’ve made regarding my author career. There are things I had no idea how to approach until you came along. You rock so hard.
To my husband, John, for always supporting me and knowing that one day I’ll be living the dream. Your love and support are outstanding. I love you.
To my son, Aidyn, for being so damn cute I can’t even stand it, and to my mom for always being my first and biggest supporter. I love you guys.
To my family and friends for asking, buying, and pretending to be interested in my work. It all started with your support.
And finally, to my readers, reviewers, fans, and supporters. If it wasn’t for you, these books I write wouldn’t be where they are. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. Welcome to my little world.
xo, A.
Check these links for more books from Author Amber Thielman.
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Amber Thielman is an avid reader and writer of edgy, mature books for Young Adults. Amber’s books push the boundaries of taboo subjects, so don’t go into them expecting heart emojis and rainbows, but real-life hardships instead.
Despite her love for all realistic stories, Amber reads too much Stephen King and grew up devouring every Fear Street novel R. L. Stine ever wrote. When she’s not writing, Amber enjoys traveling, practicing the art of staying on her horse, binge-watching Netflix, and spending time with her husband and their adorable tiny human, Aidyn, in Southeast Idaho. She also has an undying love for pumpkin-flavored anything, autumn, and boozy concoctions.
You can find Amber wasting her time on social media when she should be writing the pretty words. Join her, won’t you?
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