Kaitlin's Tale

by Christine Amsden

  “And Jay.”

  Can you, though? Kaitlin wondered. Do you have enough magic in you right now?

  Matthew winced, but he also considered the question carefully. He took a deep breath, found his quiet place, and analyzed his strength. Nothing had changed, though. He was slowly recuperating from a massive overload and he needed time. If he gave himself that time, he would be okay. If he used his magic in any way...

  Maybe he should make a deal with Xavier. Jason wanted him to do battle with the man, but how would that work?

  “I can tell what you’re thinking this time,” Kaitlin said. “I’m scared, Matthew.”

  “Me too.”

  “I want you to make love to me. Please.”

  Matthew’s hands clenched hers more tightly in response. He didn’t think he had ever wanted another woman more – or been so afraid of hurting her. Kaitlin wasn’t used to men taking care of her. Even in her thoughts, now, there was something not quite right in the way she wanted him, something...

  It was for him. That’s what it was. She wanted to do it for him, not for herself. Or at least, not exactly for herself. She didn’t seem to understand, which made it difficult for Matthew to interpret, but he decided to sit there for a few minutes, rubbing the backs of her hands with his thumbs, just listening.

  There was a flicker of interest. She liked what he was doing to her, but she felt restless. Expectant. She didn’t really like kissing; he had learned that from kissing her – an activity he wouldn’t mind repeating one day to see if he could change her mind. But what did she think of the rest of foreplay?

  She’d liked it when he’d sucked her finger into his mouth. She liked him rubbing the backs of her palms but she also wanted to get on with it. There was a definite tone of impatience.

  “Relax,” Matthew said gently. “Do you like what I’m doing to you?”

  “You know the answer.” Kaitlin’s cheeks pinkened slightly, but she did not look away.

  “Yes, but I don’t know what you usually like. I could try it all, a piece at a time, and that might be fun, but I’m curious.”

  Kaitlin’s mind went blank for a second, then she thought about penetration, about feeling a man climax inside of her, and then of falling asleep in a man’s arms.

  She’s had inept lovers, Matthew thought. He wondered if she’d ever climaxed, but suspected he knew the answer.

  “Maybe this was a bad idea.” Kaitlin wrenched her hands away and walked to the other side of the loft, just outside of his telepathic range. But he wasn’t going to let her get away with that, not now, not after the intimacy they’d just shared. He strode across the loft to stand beside her. He didn’t touch her, but he let her feel his presence.

  “I don’t know what I want,” she said with a slight hitch in her voice. “I don’t know what I like.” I just want to be loved.

  Matthew’s heart squeezed as he finally understood. Kaitlin had never taken anything from men. Never taken anything from sex. Never even enjoyed it. She had only ever given. And it had all probably started over a decade ago, with a bastard who sure as hell better be dead.

  “Please go away,” Kaitlin said, and this time her voice cracked. “You know all my secrets now. All of them. I’m broken. I don’t even like sex, I just want – I don’t even know.”

  Matthew hesitated. She wanted him to go, but she needed him to stay. He usually knew exactly what to do when faced with this dichotomy, but Kaitlin had him questioning things he had believed his entire life.

  You want to fix me?

  Yes, he did want to fix her. Did that make him such a bad person? Was that so wrong?

  She deserved peace and happiness.

  “Please,” Kaitlin repeated, except this time she wasn’t sure if she was begging him to go or to stay.

  Matthew decided for her. He took her hand in his and gently stepped around her until he was looking her straight in the eyes. Maybe he couldn’t fix her, but he could help her fix herself. He even had a cheat, something no other normal mortal had.

  Chapter 30

  KAITLIN’S LIP WAS QUIVERING. SHE HADN’T even known a lip could quiver. But there it was, a symptom of overwhelming emotions. The weight of them would surely crush her at any moment. There was fear – for her life, for her child, and for herself. There was the sense of feeling utterly naked, even though she was fully clothed. She’d been stripped bare of all pretenses. There was nothing left. Oh, Matthew might not know her favorite color – light purple – but he knew her soul in a way no one else had.

  Here came the rejection. The judgment. She could feel it pressing in on her, gripping her heart like a vise. She didn’t deserve a fairy tale, especially not with someone like Matthew – handsome, powerful, ruthless, and definitely possessed of a dark side, but he had saved her life.

  Matthew’s arms came around her, crushing her almost as tightly as the weight of those emotions. No, more tightly, He held her so tightly she feared her ribs would crack, but she didn’t want him to let go. If anything, she wanted him to squeeze harder. Physical pain would be easier to take than the emotional pain trying to eat her alive.

  The tears began to flow, soaking into his shirt, which had only just dried. She needed to pull herself away before she made a mess of the only change of clothes he had.

  “I don’t care,” Matthew whispered. “Let it out. Let it all out.”

  “I can’t. I’m going to split in two.”

  “I know. God I wish I could help, at least take the edge off. But all I can do is hold you. Just hold you and swear to you that you’re a strong, amazing woman. If I have to say it a thousand times to make you believe it, then that’s what I’ll do.”

  Kaitlin started gasping for breath. She couldn’t speak. The vise-like grip on her heart closed even tighter.

  “Deep breaths,” Matthew said. “Deep breaths. You need to cry, but don’t make yourself sick.”

  Why are you humoring me? Kaitlin thought. You know the truth.

  “That’s right. I know the truth. Me. The objective third party. You’re too close to it to see the truth.”

  I had sex with my stepfather, then I let my mom think he’d forced me. She killed him.

  “You were a child,” Matthew said in a harsh whisper. “A child!”

  “I was twelve.”

  “A child!”

  He pushed her away from himself and looked her straight in the eyes. “He hurt you. He took and took and never gave anything back except humiliation and pain. You were the victim, Kaitlin. You were a child. Now, it’s up to you to decide if you want to keep being the victim.”

  Kaitlin stopped crying and stared. Just stared. She knew this was a man who could lie with a straight face, but his face wasn’t straight now. It was full of rage – at her?

  “No, I’m not mad at you. At him. At Jason. At Xavier. At everyone who’s taken things from you and given nothing back.”

  She swallowed past a huge lump in her throat. He believed it. He really believed what he had said. What had it been? That she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself?

  “No, Kaitlin. Not that. You have the right to feel sorry for yourself, at least for a while. To understand that you were a victim. But only you can decide to stop being one now.”

  “I’m so confused,” Kaitlin said.

  “I know. That’s because you’ve lived with this alone for too long. You’re not going to get over it today.”

  “Today might be all I have.”

  Matthew wanted to argue; she could see it in his eyes, but he didn’t give her false promises this time. Instead, he nodded once.

  “Then will you make love to me?” Kaitlin asked. Please don’t say no, she pleaded with him mentally. I don’t think I can take the rejection right now.

  Matthew didn’t say another word. He lea
ned forward and brushed a gentle kiss across her closed lips – more a caress than a kiss. It was soft and gentle and it didn’t feel like he was trying to shove his tongue down her throat. She liked it, but she guessed he already knew that.

  He guided her across the loft to the bed of hay on the other side. She started to remove her shirt but he stopped her by laying a hand over hers until she released the fabric. Then, slowly and gently, he lifted her hand to his mouth and brushed another gentle kiss across her knuckles.

  An image popped into her head, a line from an old movie starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere – I really like this whole seduction routine you have going here, but I’m a sure thing.

  Matthew slipped one of her fingers into his mouth, as if in defiance of her earlier thought. And he sucked – hard. Kaitlin closed her eyes and felt an unwitting moan escape her mouth as a tingle of energy traveled from that finger straight to her core. She had no idea why she liked it so much, but she couldn’t deny the rush of sensation.

  “You think too much,” Matthew said. “Relax. Enjoy. Don’t analyze. Just let yourself be.”

  “I don’t know how,” Kaitlin said, once again feeling inadequate.

  “That’s the most honest thing you’ve said.” Matthew smiled. “All right then, let me see if I can make you relax.”

  With that, Matthew stripped off his own shirt. Kaitlin could only stare as he stood upright, half naked before her, while she remained fully clothed. He was beautiful to look at. Perfect. Not too muscular, but she’d had enough of that with Jason and didn’t need it again. He was lean and fit and well-sculpted and just... perfect.

  She stepped forward and pressed a hand against his chest, feeling the smooth skin over hard muscle. His breath hitched, and she continued the motion, stroking gently, until he grabbed her hands and pulled them away.

  “This is for you.”

  “What-?” But she didn’t get a chance to finish asking what he meant, and he didn’t tell her. Instead, he pulled off her shirt and jeans, then laid all their clothing atop the hay like a blanket before laying her down atop them, lowering his own body alongside hers.

  “Your pants are still on,” Kaitlin said.

  “I know.”

  “But-”

  “Hush. Please, Kaitlin. Just trust me. If I do anything you don’t like you can tell me – or just think it. But trust me.”

  Slowly, she nodded, wondering if she’d ever really trusted anyone before. But here she was now, with a man who could read her every thought and desire, who knew where and when and how to touch her, and she was still trying to mess it up.

  Relax, she told herself. And with that, she focused on her breathing.

  “Good,” Matthew said, running a finger through her hair then down along her shoulder and to her hand, where he squeezed gently. When she tried to lift her hand to touch him, however; he stopped her once again. “This is for you. Just for you.”

  Kaitlin felt dazed and uncertain, but he meant it. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to explore her body. He wanted to find out what she liked and bring her pleasure.

  She’d be a fool not to fall in love with this man.

  He brushed his fingers over her nipples, which were ultra-sensitive to his touch. He paused there, playing with her, letting her ride the rising swell of need and pleasure and emotions. And the moment it became too much – the moment she needed him to stop – he ran his hands down her stomach, along her thighs, then back up to the most private, most sensitive part of her.

  Please, she thought. But she had no idea what she wanted. He seemed to know. He knew even before she did. He lowered his mouth to one of her still-sensitive nipples at the exact moment that his thumb pressed against her most sensitive spot. She cried out and started twisting, not sure what to do with so much stimulation. It was nearly as intense as her earlier emotions, and it felt like it might split her in two. Too much... too much...

  “Don’t fight it,” Matthew whispered. “Relax. Breathe.”

  She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing again, wanting desperately to make him happy. Anything to make him happy.

  “You’re making me happy right now,” Matthew murmured. “There’s nothing you can do wrong. Nothing. You’re a gift to me.”

  “Oh!” Kaitlin gasped. Tears started streaming down her cheeks, but she wasn’t crying. Matthew returned his attention to her body, to increasing the pressure of his touches. It went on and on, relentlessly. She couldn’t take anymore. She was going to explode.

  “Breathe,” he reminded her. “You’re beautiful. You’re so beautiful. I love you like this.”

  And with that, something exploded inside her body, something amazing, unexpected, and heretofore unknown. It pulsed in waves, echoing back and forth like a stone dropped into a small pool.

  And as she cried, as she gasped for breath, she knew that something had changed inside her. Something that would never be the same again.

  Chapter 31

  MATTHEW SLID BESIDE KAITLIN ON THE crude bed of straw and clothes and cradled her in his arms. He smiled, feeling absurdly pleased with himself.

  Never. Never ever felt... not even by myself. Never could...

  “It’s okay,” Matthew whispered. “You’re okay.”

  “You’re not,” she said through her sobs. “You’re still... you never...”

  “I told you, this was for you.”

  “But–”

  “Are you on the pill?”

  “No.”

  “I didn’t pack any condoms. I’m not going to risk getting you pregnant when you’re not ready.” Although when you are ready... He shoved the thought aside. “And even if I was willing to risk it, I wouldn’t. Too many people have taken from you without giving anything back. This is for you.”

  “But...” I’m so confused. I want him so badly.

  “Later.” Matthew kissed her softly on the forehead, making it a promise. “When it’s right.”

  When will that be? Kaitlin wondered.

  “When you start to believe that you’re amazing and strong.”

  Oh.

  “I need to sleep,” Matthew said. “Let’s just lie here for a while.”

  “Of course.”

  Matthew smiled and closed his eyes. Within moments he had drifted off, feeling like a man who could do just about anything.

  But when he woke a few hours later, he was not in the loft. And Kaitlin no longer slept by his side.

  Matthew sat bolt upright, his eyes scanning the area as his mind searched for others within twenty feet. Nothing. No, wait, there was something, except it wasn’t quite... right. It felt cold, and the thoughts weren’t coming through clearly. Or no, wait, the emotions weren’t translating right.

  Matthew shook his head and tried to focus. He was in a bed. In a bedroom. His backpack lay on a desk a few feet away; his shoes sat on the floor nearby.

  He closed his eyes and reached for his quiet place. What he found there wasn’t encouraging. He was doing better than before, but not by much. Certainly not enough.

  “Damn it!” Matthew rose to his feet, thinking to check his backpack for his spell books. Maybe they would contain some words of wisdom for him

  The door opened so quickly that Matthew nearly fell backwards onto the bed. One second that strange, cold mind he’d sensed had been at the outside edges of his range, the next it was right there in the doorway, leering at him.

  “Xavier,” Matthew breathed.

  “You recognize me.” He smiled, but Matthew couldn’t tell if the smile was genuine or not. He was thinking... Good. According to plan.

  “Where’s Kaitlin?” Matthew asked.

  “Safe.”

  “I want to see her.”

  “Soon. You and I have a deal to strike first.” Xavier nodded to
his backpack. “I made sure all your belongings arrived safely. I haven’t touched any of it.”

  That was true, but not because Xavier thought it was the right thing to do. Rather, he was hoping to elicit trust from the foolish mortal.

  Matthew blinked. Xavier was trying to do something to him, something unlike any mind magic he had ever run across. It wasn’t subtle; it was illusory. That was it. Xavier was spinning an illusion of trust around himself.

  “I need Kaitlin,” Matthew said. He wanted to know what she saw when she looked at Xavier, but that wasn’t the only reason he wanted her by his side.

  “I understand that Hideyuki is going to work for you,” Xavier said, ignoring Matthew’s earlier statement. Unimportant. “He seems to understand that what the hunters have been doing for the past decade has been suicidal.”

  “Yes,” Mathew said.

  “At one time, hunters and ancient vampires worked together to keep the pests under control.” Too many. Destroy our race.

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “Have you ever met a vampire before?”

  “No,” Matthew said.

  Xavier smiled. “Then you were probably raised on tales of how evil we are and know nothing different.”

  “I’m ready to reserve judgment,” Matthew said cautiously, and somewhat truthfully. Hideyuki had already convinced him of the need for that.

  “I understand you recently made a pact with the werewolves,” Xavier said, suddenly switching tacks.

  “We’re still working out the details. There are lots of packs strewn across the country. But yes, we’ve gotten things started.”

  “What will your followers think of that?”

  “They’ll think more of it than of me allying myself with a vampire. A werewolf is human except at the full moon. The same can’t be said for you.”

  “True. I am not human. But I’m not evil, either. I don’t kill indiscriminatingly.”

  “Indiscriminate killing isn’t the only way to define evil.”

  “Of course not.” Xavier smiled, showing fangs. Matthew drew back, unconsciously, and Xavier’s smile widened. “But I have killed. I’ve personally killed almost a hundred hunters in the past ten years. Yet they keep sending them after me.”