“What am I missing?” I ask her.
“Well, I definitely won’t be showering after my workout.” She raises her eyebrows.
“You could just tell him you aren’t interested in him,” I tell her.
She shakes her head while she chews. “Been there, done that. It was more of a challenge for him.”
“I can see that,” I admit. “Work hard kind of thing.”
She tosses her pizza crust down. “I have no idea, but I owe him one, and I pay my debts.” She gets up now, and I watch her every single move. “With that said, I’m going to take off.” I’m about to get up, but she shakes her head.
“Don’t get up. I know the way out.” She walks over to her pile of stuff and slips her feet into the strappy heels, and just like that, her outfit goes from comfy to hot. I shake my head. I can’t think of her like that. I won’t think of her like that. I have bigger things to tackle before I can even go there with her and admit I want her. The last thing you do while in recovery is get involved with anyone.
“Text me all the information, and don’t worry about a thing. I’ll be here.” She smiles, and I just nod at her. She opens the door and walks out of the apartment, leaving me by myself. I get up and clean up the mess and do a walk-through, seeing that it’s much bigger without anything in here. I think back to all the furniture I put in storage and hope it matches.
I put the pizza and leftovers in the empty fridge and store the fruit. The only thing I’m not bringing from LA is a bed, but that will be delivered tomorrow morning. I turn off whatever lights are on and take the key out of my pocket to lock the door and then I finally see the key chain. It’s gold and a circle; it looks like a coin. On one side is a picture of the sun and then the earth with engraving on the bottom.
One day at a time.
I smile, flipping it over, and my heart stops, or pulses, or skips—fuck if I know—but I stop for a second and read the words.
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Viktor 2019
I rub my fingers over the words and take out my chip from my pocket. It’s going too good; shit is too calm. I pull out my phone and make a phone call.
“Well, well, look who finally called,” Jeffrey says, his voice booming in the phone.
“Hey,” I say, running my hand through my hair and then squeezing my neck. “I got a new place.”
“Did you?” he asks in a lower voice than his greeting.
“I did, and then someone gave me a gift,” I tell him, my hands starting to shake on the key chain. It’s the most meaningful gift I’ve ever gotten. “Things are too calm.”
“Where are you now?” he asks me, and I look around.
“In my empty apartment,” I tell him. “Would you like to come visit?”
“I would love to,” he says. “How about you send me the address, and I’ll come right over.”
“You don’t have to come right over,” I say, going to the window and looking down at the street.
“Beats the shit out of watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune,” he says, laughing. I try to laugh, but it doesn’t come out. “Send me the address.”
“Will do,” I say, disconnecting, and then I send him the address. I sit with my back against the white wall as the apartment darkens as the sun sets. The buzz getting me up and then I hear a soft knock on the door and yell for him to come in.
The door opens, and he stands there looking around. “Is this a surprise party?” he says, looking around and then turning on the light. “Jesus, it looks like prom.” He closes the door. “If you asked me here to take my virginity”—he gives me a pointed look—“you’re a couple of centuries too late.”
That makes me smile, and I look down at the key still in my hand. “Zoe did it,” I tell him. “She had this whole thing as a surprise and welcome home.”
“Zoe?” he asks, coming over and sitting next to me with his back against the wall.
“My realtor and my GM’s sister,” I tell him. He sits there quietly, waiting for me to play it out in my head. “She’s nice, and she’s gorgeous,” I admit. “But she’s untouchable.”
“To who?” he asks, trying to get me in the right frame of mind.
“To me,” I tell him. “I’m a broken man.” I close my eyes and lean my head back. “I take it back; I was a broken man. Now I’m trying to piece all the pieces together, and I don’t have time for this.”
“Does she want to date you?” Jeffrey asks me, and I look at him.
“No.” I smirk. “According to her, the fact that I play hockey is a big strike, and she doesn’t date anyone who does. But I don’t want to lead her on.”
“Have you told her?” The question I don’t know where to go with.
“I told her I’m in recovery.” I take a deep breath. “And that I’m a recovering addict.”
“And …?” he asks me.
“And nothing. She didn’t seem fazed by it,” I tell him. “It’s all going too smoothly. I’m back on the ice, and even that is so much better than I remembered it was,” I say, which is the main reason I called him. “It’s all going too good. I’m in a good place. I’m healthy, and I’m semi happy. I’m sleeping five hours straight at night. My hands shake at most only twice a night once I wake up.” I look down, my heart beating a touch faster. “The pull to get high isn’t as great as it was last week. I have friends who actually care about my well-being, but that means nothing.”
“Well,” Jeffrey says, “I do believe you’ve just completed step four.”
I look at him, confused. Searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
He smiles. “You just taken an inventory about yourself, and it wasn’t all negative.” I let his words sink in. “You’ve been here a month—one month—and it’s been hard. But no one said it would be easy.” I nod. “But you are starting to see the moments when the walls start closing in. The moment your heart speeds up just a touch. The moment your hands start to twitch right before they start shaking.” Jeffrey takes a deep breath and then lets it out. “One day at a time.”
I hand him the key chain. “Zoe got the keys to my place today, and she got me that key chain,” I tell him, and he looks at it and flips it over.
“Looks like you made a good friend,” he says, handing me back the key. “Want another piece of advice?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “Talk to her. Make sure all the cards are on the table. Things aren’t always black and white. Sometimes, a little gray slips in.”
We spend the rest of the time sitting next to each other without saying much. He knows I’m letting everything we just said play over in my mind. When I feel more like myself, I get up and so does Jeffrey. He helps me lock up my place, and then we walk down the street. He gets on the subway, and I continue back to the loft. My mind is finally clearer, but I know I have to talk to Zoe. I have to nip this thing in the bud.
Chapter Twelve
Zoe
“Hello?” I answer my phone while I wait for the light to change from red to green so I can walk across the street.
“Hey there.” Viktor’s voice fills my ear. “Am I interrupting the coffee date?”
I groan. “It wasn’t a date.” I take a sip of the refresher that I left with. “It was a twenty-minute sit-down of me trying to catch my breath from my workout.” I leave out that the only thing I kept thinking about was him.
“Listen, I was wondering if you could come by and pick up the key for Monday?” he says. “If you have time either today or tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I can head there now,” I tell him. “I was just going to go home, but I can swing by your place before I head back home.” My heart starts to pick up just a touch, knowing I’m about to see him.
“Perfect,” he says and disconnects. I make my way over to his house, trying to keep my mind off the nerves starting in my stomach or
the fact that my heart beats faster than it should. I also make a mental note to get my head out of the clouds and stop overthinking Viktor. I use the buzzer and then walk to the elevator. Seeing my reflection in the mirror, I can’t believe I left the gym like this. I should have changed from my black yoga capris and gray long-sleeved hooded sweater. It goes long in the front but is cut in the back. I threw on the sweater on top of my sports bra after the workout. My braided hair hangs over my shoulder. I get in the elevator, and I look up, seeing the numbers move from floor to floor. I try to calm down just a bit, my stomach feeling weird almost like flutters.
I don’t have to knock because Viktor is at the door waiting for me. My smile appears automatically when I see him, and I want to kick myself, so I look down, then up to bring the poker face back. “You weren’t kidding about being in workout clothes.”
I roll my eyes. “I was not kidding.” I smile at him and walk into the house. The balloons are still all over the place. “I like what you did to the place,” I joke with him and put my bag on the stool.
“I just finished in my bedroom,” he says. “Want to see?”
“Is this a trick?” I ask. This is good, I think to myself. I’m going to joke with him like I would any other guy who I wasn’t interested in. “Are you going to ask me to lie on it naked to see if it’s comfortable?” I fold my arms over my chest. “Because I have to say I’ve heard that one before.”
He throws his head back, and he laughs, the sound making me smile even more. “Well, this makes the second part of why I asked you to come over a little easier.” I look at him and see that his eyes are a lighter shade of blue today, and the circles under his eyes have slowly started to disappear.
“Wait, you asked me to come over to get the key and get naked?” I joke with him, not wanting that smile to disappear from his face.
“Jesus, you are a nut,” he says. “I just … I didn’t want …” His mouth snaps shut, and he shoves a hand through his hair.
“I think you need to relax,” I tell him, reaching out and grabbing his arm. “Just relax.”
“We can’t date each other,” he says. I don’t know why it bothers me, but my hand falls from his arm. “I mean, you’re hot and all that, but I can’t date you.”
“Um …” I start, ignoring the echoing of my heart in my ears. Ignoring that crushing feeling in my chest. I pull out the Zoe that just lets things not bother her, the fake Zoe, the Zoe everyone has met. “One, thank you, I guess, for thinking I’m hot.” He smiles, and now I put on my fake smile, but he doesn’t seem to notice. “And two, when did we say we would date each other?”
“I …” he starts. “Never really but I wanted to make sure you knew it was never a possibility.” I nod at him because I can’t say anything. The lump in my throat just gets thicker. “You can’t fall in love with me.”
I laugh and look down at my feet, giving myself an internal pep talk. Put the poker face on, Zoe. I channel it as much as I can. “I am a touch confused with this conversation, but just so we are perfectly clear”—I hold up my hands—“I don’t want to date you. You are good looking, but you aren’t anything that I …” I try to find the words.
“I play hockey,” he says, and I start to make a list of why I don’t like him.
“Yes,” I say louder than normal because I’m nervous and that is also number one on my list. “You play hockey, and I don’t really get hockey.” I use my hands. “It’s just something that I don’t ever …” Then I stop and look at him. “Did I say anything that made you think I wanted to date you?”
“No,” he says, shaking his head, and I at least breathe a sigh of relief that I wasn’t that transparent. “I mean, you got me dinner, and you gave me a key chain.”
“Um, yeah, because we were celebrating a big step,” I tell him. “I mean, the key chain was something that I saw and figured it would be a nice thing to do.” I shake my head. “You know, for a friend.”
“I’m a recovering addict, and I have to focus on me. I don’t have time for a relationship,” he says and then looks down at his bare feet. “God, this is the most awkward conversation I think I’ve ever had.”
“I mean, if it makes you feel better, I had an even more awkward conversation about an hour ago.” I smile at him, and he smiles back.
“Okay, well, now that we got that out of the way,” he says, and I put my hand up.
“Viktor, I think you are a great person.” It feels like a breakup, but we weren’t even together. “I don’t know what happened with everything that went down in LA, and I think them tossing you aside and looking for a trade was a crappy thing to happen. I think you got dealt a shitty hand and then you decided that shitty was what you deserved. That key chain was just a little reminder to let you know I don’t agree. I think you deserve more.”
“You sound like my therapist,” he tells me. “And my sponsor.”
“Well, I don’t know how to be a therapist,” I answer, “but I know how to be a listener, and I know how to be a friend. A friend.”
“Okay, I get it,” he finally says. “Now, come see my room.” He turns to walk down the hallway, and I follow him. I stop at the doorway, not stepping inside. “Come in.”
“And just to be clear, I will see your room with all my clothes on.” I wink at him, and he groans and puts his hands over his face, and I laugh. “Okay, that was the last time. It was just too good to pass up.”
Walking in the room, I see the huge king-size bed in the middle of the room with a dark brown leather headboard, cream-colored covers, and matching light brown throw pillows. The nightstands are also a dark brown almost chocolate color with side lamps. Above his bed hangs a sun with a mirror in the middle.
“I saw it in the showroom and just bought everything,” he says, and I laugh. “The sun was just like tomorrow is another day kind of thing.”
“That is exactly what I was thinking,” I tell him, smiling at him. “It’s perfect.”
“I hope so because I moved out of the loft,” he says, and I look over at him shocked.
“But you have no furniture,” I tell him.
“I have a bed,” he tells me. “A fridge, a stove, and a television in the movie room. What else do I need?”
“You have a point there,” I tell him and then look at him. “I should get going.”
“Is being in this room with me too much for you?” he jokes with me, and I like it. “I know how tempting I can be.”
“Yeah, that must be it,” I tell him, walking to my bag. “But truth be told, I have a date tonight.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Really,” I repeat after him. He really doesn’t need to know that’s a lie. I am going out for dinner, but it’s with Zara and Evan.
“If only you said that first, then we wouldn’t have had that awkward conversation.” He laughs and then walks to the counter and hands me a key to the apartment. I try to keep my poker face intact and my emotions hidden.
“But then how else would I know that you found me hot?” I joke with him to keep my disappointment buried. I just want to hurry and get the hell out of here. “I promise not to defile your home while you’re gone.”
“Please try to refrain from smelling my shirts,” he jokes, and I walk to the door.
“I will try my hardest,” I tell him, forcing a smile on my face and then walking out the door. I close it behind me so he doesn’t make it even more fucking awkward by coming out and watching me. I almost run to the elevator, and when it finally closes, I let out a huge sigh as the disappointment shows on my face. I keep my head down the whole way home, not even sure why I’m so disappointed by what he said. He was being honest and I wasn’t even that interested in him. Lies. Fine I was interested in him, and I liked him and.. And nothing, I tell myself, it was time for me to get Viktor out of my head once and for all.
I’m putting on my shoes when I hear the front door open. Standing, I look at myself in the mirror. Okay, it’s a bit risqué
but whatever. The one-piece black dress has a plunging neckline, spaghetti straps, and no back, and then the dress part turns to leather, stopping mid-thigh on one side and then long on the other. I paired it with a simple black shoe with a strap around my toes and another around my ankle. I ignore the fact that I chose this dress as a huge up yours to Viktor. Even though he won’t see me in it, I’ll know.
“Are you almost ready?” Zara yells.
“Yes,” I say. Grabbing my shawl to cover myself, I walk out of the bedroom and then down the stairs.
“I’m ready,” I say once I get to the last step and turn to look at them in the living room, except it’s not just the two of them.
“Oh my God,” Evan says, but my eyes are on the man I’m trying not to think about; the man I literally can’t get involved with. “She needs to go change,” Evan says, looking at Zara.
I change my face and then look at Evan. “It’s a night out,” I tell him. “Besides, this is Zara’s.” Looking back at Viktor, I feel my mouth go suddenly dry, my heart beating so fast I look down to make sure it isn’t coming out of my chest. “What are you doing here?” I try not to stare too much at him standing in the middle of my living room a couple of hours after telling me that nothing would happen between us. A couple of hours after I told him I was going on a date. This can’t be happening.
Chapter Thirteen
Viktor
Standing in the middle of her living room, I have to put my hands in my pockets to keep from going over to her and covering her with my body and burying my hands in her hair because she looks hot as fuck. I look down at my feet and give myself an internal talk. You can’t date her, I repeat three times just in case. The minute she closed the door to the apartment after our talk, I sat on the couch. Or better yet, my legs were shaking, and I slumped onto the couch. I knew I had to talk to her and put all the cards on the table. I knew this, yet it stung harder than I anticipated.
This Is Wild Page 9