by E. C. Stever
"The Sorcerer must be interfering with them," Hubward explained.
He snapped his fingers. "Do you have any pumpkin?"
"Hmm let me check in my pocket," Gulchima said "Nope, turns out I don't have a giant orange vegetable that won’t grow for another month in my pocket. It's summer, what are you talking about?"
"Pumpkins help the undead to come back to life, temporarily," Hubward said quietly. "Everybody thinks they eat brains, but that's mostly not true."
Gulchima felt very cold. She turned to find one of the undead, breathing on the back of her neck. She poked it in the eye with a trembling finger, and it went squish. "Mostly?"
"Sometimes, the undead just get confused and think your head is a jack-o-lantern or something. So they might try to eat your brains a little." He patted Gulchima on the back, and shooed away his undead team. "But don't worry. They only enjoy eating pumpkin."
That actually made a bit of sense, Gulchima thought. She watched as Lady Keyhide, the Fizz-Meister and the other two figures approached. They were all dressed in red cloaks of varying shades, and each wore golden metal bracelets up and down their arms.
She heard a voice speak up. "Well, actually, Lady Keyhide, apparently, the problem cannot be reduced to such simple terms. Complications are complicated, naturally."
That many commas in one sentence? It had to be Jaroo.
"That's Jaroo!" Gulchima said. "So the Fizz-Meister, Lady Keyhide, Jaroo . . . who's the fourth person?"
Hubward peered at them. The last figure laughed gaily. "Very believable Jaroo."
"Ninestone," Hubward whispered. He frowned. "So one of those four is the Sorcerer."
Gulchima looked at the stumbling undead behind them. "Are you sure you can trust the information from your . . . team?"
"Yeah that just proves my point," Hubward replied. "Why, all of a sudden, are they confused? The Sorcerer caused it. Why did the dragon emit fire? The Sorcerer caused it. Why is the magic so strong at Bayadev? The Sorcerer caused it."
He slid down behind the garden wall as the four figures passed. Gulchima did the same.
"The Sorcerer works at the factory," Hubward whispered. "An old friend, Man-of-Arms, told me the same thing."
"Then it's the Fizz-Meister?" Gulchima asked. She felt a pinch on her leg as a fly bit her.
"I think so," Hubward said. But he seemed unsure.
"What about Ninestone?" Gulchima asked.
She'd seen Ninestone do magic to save Tormo, and Ninestone worked at the factory. But then again, she'd just seen Hubward use magic, or at least, a cool backflip with his magical team. And he wasn't the Sorcerer was he?
Hubward shook his head. "I scanned her, checked her out, with a Seer-Slip." Noticing Gulchima's confused stare, he added, "It's a cloth that lets you see magic. Jaroo's guards wear them all the time . . . Anyway, it's not her. My Seer-Slip would have detected something."
"Did you scan Jaroo?"
"Partially, but I never got the chance to finish. I never scanned the Fizz-Meister either. And come to think of it, Lady Keyhide never got scanned either. I thought I was charmed by her, and I forgot to do it, but I wonder . . . ."
"Then go get your Seer-Slip, and scan those three," Gulchima said impatiently.
"Can't. I lost it when I lost my eyebrows."
"Typical."
"Hey, there were a lot of people I did scan. You, for instance."
"Me?" Gulchima asked. She slapped at another fly bite.
"Yeah: A mysterious stranger shows up and a dragon dies. It could have been you or Rattbone, or anybody on your boat. It could have been your Not-Uncle Roog."
That was a good point too. Gulchima reached out and straightened one of Hubward's false eyebrows. "Then what are we going to do?"
"Gulch, we found it! The solution to both of our problems," Hubward said suddenly.
She noticed he still had a smudge of fairy poo behind his ears. Did he ever wash?
Hubward said, "If we defeat the Sorcerer, and we stay best friends, then the magic will disappear, your contract will be easy, and I'll avenge my team's deaths. That’s a Win-Win-Win-Win-Win-Win situation, Gulch!"
"That's one 'win' too many," Gulchima said. "And I don't remember agreeing on that nickname with you, Hub."
Hubward smiled. "Listen Gulch. All we have to do is find the Sorcerer's secret hideout. I already checked the fizz factory, so it's not there."
He fiddled with one of his fake eyebrows, moving it up and down. "Aha! Hertrude mentioned something about going inside the dragon. If the Sorcerer wants us to stay away from the dragon, then that's exactly where we should go. Maybe we'll find proof, or a secret weapon . . . ."
He was right about that too. Gulchima sighed. As usual, the solution to her problems lay in a dark, smelly, enclosed place, filled with magic and dread, or at best, some rotting carcasses.
"Yeah, but we can't cut into it. Unless there's a secret door," Gulchima said.
"Not secret. But yeah there's a door." Hubward tapped his mouth.
"Nope," Gulchima said. "No way."
Hubward smiled. "Once we swim down to the bottom of the river, and get by the deadly fire, and bypass the sharp teeth, the rest should be easy. All we have to do is crawl in through the dragon's mouth."
"That's all?" Gulchima said. Her heart thudded in her chest. Just that horrible impossible thing?
Gulchima bit her thumbnail, trying to think of a way out of this. There was no way she was going.
But then, four trangles jumped up and bit the rest of her fingers. She shook her hand trying to get them off.
"Well actually, no," Hubward said. "We forgot about the trangles." He pointed at her feet.
Gulchima's legs were covered with a swarm of trangles.
They were carrying sharp twigs and nails and pieces of tea cups. And they were mad.
As usual.
Chapter 28: Somebody is Planning Something
The Collected Lies of Gulchima Brixby (A FINAL Entry)
Everything is going to plan. Gulchima was drawn to Bayadev, and she holds the information we seek. She's isolated, alone, mopey: She's ready for our big finale. With Rattbone out of the way, we can't be stopped.
Our little ruse has tricked the boy and his seven spies too. Now Gulchima will come to us. Our power will return, and we can be born. Back into time, back into place.
Gulchima will enter the dragon gateway. And she will be ours.
—A Voice Out Of Time
Chapter 29: Gulchima Meets the Potions Master
They took care of the trangles first, rounding them up and then freezing them before placing the creatures in bottles. Hubward's team was no longer a help, since the run-in with the Sorcerer had taken away their ability to think clearly. He left them in the garden of the abandoned cottage, with clear instructions that they were to hide, and not dig for pumpkins.
It was a tiring evening. The sun had started to set as Gulchima and Hubward sealed the last frozen trangle piece into the last empty fizz bottle, and then tossed it into Lake Pepsid. The salty lake water would melt away the ice eventually, but it would also coat the bottles, trapping the trangles so they could neither escape nor bond back together.
Gulchima's lower back was stiff from rowing around the lake. But now that the trangles were defeated, she realized what was next.
Next on the list, was, oh, let's see. Yes. There it was.
Next was the dragon.
✽✽✽
They walked down to find Jaroo there, alone, concentrating on the dragon and muttering in some strange language. In one hand, he held up a small amber ball, which he waved in front of him in a repeating figure-eight pattern. In the other hand, he held a small velvet-covered book.
Jaroo was oblivious to their presence. Gulchima thought he looked tired, especially around the eyes, where he had applied black kohl markings, like makeup. He wore a ridiculous sausage-shaped headpiece, bright red with gold piping. It looked like it would blow off if a butterfly sneezed.
Jaroo was startled. He stepped into a mud puddle, soaking his open toed sandals. She noticed he had painted his toenails red and gold, and that he wore several gold bracelets on each wrist. Jaroo quickly hid the amber ball underneath his robe.
"Ah the savior!" Jaroo said with a smirk. "And look, she's brought a pet orphan." He scowled at them both.
"What were you doing just then?" Hubward asked. "What was that amber ball?"
Jaroo's scowl deepened. He touched his black eye makeup. "That's fizz factory business," he said. "And that's all I'll say." He turned to Gulchima. "Shouldn't you be working? Or have you come to tell me you're giving up?"
"I'm here to measure the dragon," Gulchima lied. "We're going to get rid of it next week, using some of Roog's explosives. Then I'm going to save the family business. Then, after that, I'm going to tell Lady Keyhide to fire you, and hire Hubward instead. Now get out of the way. I'm doing this for my family."
She pushed past him.
"Oh you're 'doing it for your family'," Jaroo said. He stuck out his lower lip. "Well, whoopidy-doo-da for you. You're doing it 'for your family', aren't you so noble, and so deserving of a second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chance to get it right?" He smiled down at her. "But eventually, you'll run out of chances. And then, I'll take your other houseboat and be rid of you pests."
"What is your problem?" Hubward yelled. "Don't you want that dragon gone? Seems like you want us to fail."
"Oh and here's the inspiring orphan, who just wants to find a family to love him," Jaroo wiped away a fake tear. He looked around, pretending to be shocked. "Oh. Wait. Looks like there's no one interested. I suppose you're all alone Hubward. Again."
Gulchima stalked over to Jaroo, and pointed her fist right in his face. "Why don't you quit? Uncle Rattbone said you were a bad plumber. But you're a worse leader."
"Rattbeard said that?" Jaroo chuckled. "Yes. A shame he had to run off isn't it. I suppose he ran away 'for his family' too. And your parents . . . are they in jail 'for your family', Gulch? Oh don't worry. Soon you will join them. You can have a nice family reunion. In prison."
"I guess we'll see you there," Gulchima replied coolly. "You should hope we don't tell Lady Keyhide about the fizz-water you've been stealing."
This was just a rumor. But judging from Jaroo's face, it was true.
Jaroo flapped his arms. His face grew red, and he adjusted the golden bracelets he wore. "You're just lucky Lady Keyhide is enamored with you—" A horn sounded, echoing down the canyon from the fizz factory.
Jaroo straightened up. "Already?" He blew out a puff of bad breath, then spun, and stalked away. "Good luck on your impossible quest, you whiffle-waffles."
Gulchima watched him walk away. "Was he doing . . . magic?"
"I'm not sure," Hubward said. "Is he really stealing—"
Then, a small voice interrupted them.
"Emm. 'Scuse me Gulch . . . Is the bad-man gone?"
The words came from the dragon.
✽✽✽
A figure slid off of the dragon. It was Novvy, her four-year-old brother. What was he doing here?
"Emm. I want to help with the dragon removal stuff," Novvy said.
"Novvy, it's too dangerous for you," Gulchima said. Why him of all people?
"Emmm, but I get a vote right?"
"What?"
"Isolde said, I was part owner," Novvy said. He squinted his eyes, as if trying to remember how to spell a difficult word. "Because I'm a new kid, and Rattbone is gone. So I get a vote. She had me sign the papers. Now I can say butt."
"Sign what papers?" Gulchima asked.
"The papers . . . emmm, to get rid of the contract," Novvy said. "The papers to sell one of our houseboats to Jaroo, and put this stinky butt place behind us. She said those words, so I'm allowed to say butt. Oh, and I was to get some candy, if I signed it. Butt-butt-bottom-butt."
"You signed it," Gulchima said. It was not a question.
"She said with the two of us signing, you would be our-elephant," Novvy said.
"Irrelevant?" Gulchima asked.
Novvy whispered to her: "It means you don't matter."
"I know what it means!" Gulchima snapped at him.
So that's why Isolde was avoiding her. She was going to cancel the contract by selling one of the houseboats. And since she had Novvy's signature, she probably could do it. Now Jaroo's comment about getting the houseboat made sense. That seemed like a terrible deal.
"So can I help? To get rid of the dragon. Pull-lease? I'll tear up the paper Isolde had me sign. I know where she hides that, next to her kissy letters from Tiktok."
Hubward said, "Dragon? No we said we're going to get rid of the wagon."
Novvy smiled. "Nope. I haven't been alive long enough to forget things. You're going to move the dragon."
"What were you doing out here anyway?" Gulchima asked.
"Potions," Novvy said. "I make potions then dump them on the dragon to see what happens." He pointed at a puddle of soap suds. "This one made the dragon wet."
"You can't come," Gulchima said. She crossed her arms.
"I am," Novvy insisted. "Tormo got burned, and everybody gives him candy. Now he can grow a beard, and the beard glows in the dark, and he has a cool scar. I want that too. I want candy."
"It's too dangerous. We're going inside the dragon," Hubward said. "Past the terrible fire, into the depths, over the sharp teeth . . . ."
"Hubward, that's not going to work," Gulchima exclaimed. "He doesn’t get scared."
"Inside!" Novvy jumped for joy. "I've always wanted to get eaten!"
"Isn't that scary?" Hubward asked.
"Nope."
"Whaaat, iff I taaaalk, like thisss?" Hubward asked.
"Nope."
Gulchima thought this bad plan was suddenly getting worse. But if Novvy came with them, he would tear up the paper he signed. And she couldn't let Isolde give away their houseboats. The Outfit would be ruined. What choice did she have?
"Okay Novvy you can come, but under one condition: You're not allowed to get hurt."
Novvy shook his head.
"Not hurt Gulch, never hurt," Novvy said. "I just want to get eaten by the dragon."
Chapter 30: Gulchima Enters the Dragon
Getting rid of the dragon had seemed like a good idea to Gulchima. But that had been weeks ago, in the full sunlight, with her uncle standing next to her, and the apple blossoms falling gently around them.
Now, adrift on the dark steaming river, it seemed like certain death.
They were just above the dead dragon. And it was still breathing fire.
Flames erupted, spraying boiling water and steam up over the side of their skin boat. It was dark and moonless, and except for the occasional green dragon fire flame, Gulchima could not see Hubward or Novvy in the boat next to her. The boat fought to stay in place in the scalding waters above the dragon's head.
"Did you say certain depth?" Hubward joked. He struggled with the oars, attempting to keep the boat in place. But the river pushed them toward the pocket of boiling water.
"No, certain death," Gulchima said. "That's what this plan is. Certain death. Why are we doing this again?"
"One felled swoop!" Hubward yelled. "If we can surprise and capture the Sorcerer, our problems will be over. Your magic problem will disappear, and I'll force the Sorcerer to restore my team back to life."
"Okay!" Gulchima said, yelling to be heard above the hiss. She pulled Novvy away from the side of the boat just as a plume of steam shot up like a geyser. "But how exactly are you going to trap the Sorcerer? Do you have some magical assassin's weapon?"
"Yeah sort of," Hubward said. In the flash of flame she could see him patting his rucksack. "Except it's not magical, and it's made of soft, yellow, cake."
Well that certainly made no sense whatsoever. Just like this plan.
"How do we get
down?" Novvy asked. "Without getting boiled like an egg."
"We'll just use the ice spray," Hubward said, pointing at his spray bag. They had refilled it before getting in the boat. "That will weigh us down."
"Hubward! Ice floats, it doesn't sink."
Gulchima grabbed the anchor. She looked at Novvy, his face painted green by the sickly dragon fire. "We'll all go down together. I'll hold the anchor, then Novvy, then Hubward. We'll swim down, and scout out the situation. Then we'll meet back on the boat and come up with a plan. If you get in trouble, find the rope, and pull yourself back up to the boat. Okay?"
They all agreed.
Back into the dark, Gulchima thought. At least she had dragon fire from a dead dragon this time. That was comforting. Still, it would be better than what had really happened those five years she'd been missing. At least she wouldn't be alone.
They locked arms and stood, almost flipping their small boat over. Gulchima counted to three, then jumped off the boat, with Novvy and Hubward. In mid-air, Gulchima tossed the anchor toward the back of the dragon's head, so they wouldn't hit the dragon fire. She'd timed it just right, and the anchor pulled them down, into the depths.
✽✽✽
The dead dragon emitted an almost continuous plume of fire, in colors ranging from bluish black, to a pale red. The fire warmed the water, and quite a few animals had taken up residence nearby to enjoy it. It was like swimming in a large bath. Apparently only the very strong green bursts of flame came to the surface. It was as if fire was slowly draining from the creature.
The anchor landed in the silt on the side of the dragon's mouth, just below its jawline. She could see the mouth lolled open, the tongue unfurled, the giant head bobbing slightly in the river's current. She stared, expecting the slit of yellow eyes to open, but the dragon really was dead. And luckily, fire emitted from a dragon's nostrils, not its mouth.