Dragon Removal Service

by E. C. Stever

  Gulchima said nothing. She was too tired to do anything tricky. She didn't have the energy to confront her sister about the houseboat sale. She didn't want to show her Novvy's note.

  "Did you kill that ash thing that attacked Novvy?" Isolde asked.

  "No, but we took its eye," Gulchima said. "We'll find a way to draw it out. We'll kill it in this world." Gulchima yawned. "Ice water should work. Or maybe we'll just blow it away with a big gust of air."

  Isolde smiled. "I'd like to help with that." She sighed again. "But there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Maybe it will help explain some things. About me, and about Uncle Rattbone."

  "Of course," Gulchima said, absently.

  "Mom and Dad are not in prison for debt." Isolde closed her eyes. "Mom and Dad are in prison for using magic."

  Gulchima took a step back. If Isolde hadn't grabbed her arm, Gulchima may have fallen into the water. Mom and Dad, using magic!

  "But they hate magic!"

  Isolde nodded. "But you were gone—disappeared—and after a while they started to . . . they started to go a little crazy. Dad, always out looking for you. Mom, always reading books, and following up on leads. It was hard, and then a year after Novvy was born . . . they were locked up."

  "But—"

  "Uncle Rattbone kept it quiet of course," Isolde said. "He spent most of our savings making sure nobody talked. You can't tell anyone Gulch."

  "I won't," Gulchima replied. She steadied herself. She was good at keeping secrets.

  "Do you know the last thing I said to Mom, just before I disappeared?" Gulchima asked.

  Isolde shook her head.

  "We had a big fight about a dress I didn't want to wear," Gulchima whispered. "I told her that I hated her and I never wanted to see her again."

  Isolde looked at her, eyes filled with tears. "And then?"

  "And then, my wish came true."

  They both cried then, sobs for everyone and everything that had gone wrong. They cried together in the moonlight, and at the end of it, they were closer.

  A rift had healed.

  "Promise me, no matter what, you won't use magic," Isolde said

  "Of course."

  "Promise me!"

  "I promise I won't use magic," Gulchima said. "I swear on us. I swear on the family. I won't use magic no matter how tough things get. Not even magical objects."

  "Not even potions?" Isolde reminded her.

  "Not even potions." Gulchima laughed. "But you might want to check your soap supplies because Novvy has other ideas."

  Isolde laughed too. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I tore up the contract with Jaroo. We're not selling the houseboats."

  Isolde grabbed her sister's hand. "We're going to get out of this mess together."

  In the distance, they heard someone yelling. It grew louder. So did the sound of slapping footsteps.

  Someone was running toward them.

  Hubward came into view. He bent over, trying to suck in a breath.

  "Sorry! I must have . . . started . . . yelling . . . too . . . early," Hubward said.

  "What's happening?" both girls asked.

  "Brunhild's here! That tax-collector you told me about . . . Brunhild's attacking Bayadev! She's burning your houseboats! She brought bandits with her."

  "What bandits?" both girls asked.

  "She said you owe her, and tonight you're going to pay," Hubward told them. "Then she started laughing and had an asthma attack. So I thought I had time to warn you."

  "But we're under contract, she can't just do that," Isolde said.

  "I think Brunhild's gone crazy," Hubward said, his face solemn. "She brought an army of magical allies with her: river-hags, lunkers, fairies, and some worm thing that just floats there."

  "Where's Novvy?" Isolde asked.

  "He's safe. I left him with my family," Hubward said. "We're undercover assassins. They'll protect him at all costs."

  Isolde raised her eyebrows. "You're an undercover assassin?"

  "Just show her," Gulchima said.

  Hubward jumped into the air, did a backflip, then as he landed, he threw a dagger, sticking it into the boards between Isolde's feet.

  "Undercover assassins," Hubward said. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, and one of his eyebrows fell off.

  Isolde nodded. "Your story checks out. But you're so chubby, I didn't think—"

  A powerful arm reached out from underneath the dock. It gripped Hubward's foot.

  "Hubward, look out!" Gulchima warned him.

  But it was too late.

  Hubward was lifted into the air, then tossed into the lake, thirty feet from the dock. The back of his head slapped into the surface of the water, and he did not come back up.

  Two figures jumped out of the water, and onto the dock. It was Frenja and Menja, Jaroo's two giant guards. They no longer wore their Seer-Slips, and now their eyes glowed a bright orange.

  "Their eyes!" Isolde said, terrified.

  "I think they're possessed by Ash," Gulchima said. "That creature we fought inside the dragon. His eyes looked just like that."

  The two giant women grabbed Isolde and Gulchima and picked them up by their hair.

  "Which one is the girl?" asked Menja. Her voice was high-pitched and girlish. But her muscles rippled in the moonlight. "Voices said 'bring the girl'."

  "Brunhild said 'bring the girl' too," Frenja replied. She sniffed at Gulchima. "This one smells like rabbit poo. What yours smell like?"

  Menja sniffed. "This one smells like soap and kissing."

  "You have girl, I have forest creature," Frenja said. She picked an insect out of Gulchima's hair. It buzzed angrily. "Forest creature needs bath."

  Frenja tossed Gulchima into the cold water of the lake.

  She landed in an awkward dive, and when she came back up to the surface she saw Hubward bobbing in the water, looking dazed.

  Menja picked up Isolde and threw her over her shoulder. Then Menja did an impossible thing. Menja walked out across the surface of the water.

  Without sinking.

  The other guard, Frenja, followed her.

  Frenja pulled out a small teapot shaped object. She threw it into the water.

  The smell of salt filled the air. The lake bubbled.

  "That's the salt quern!" Hubward said. "That's where it got to."

  "So?" Gulchima asked. She started to swim toward her sister. "We can just cross that off the list too."

  The surface of the lake started to fizz and roil.

  "Oh no!" Hubward groaned. "The caverns!"

  There was a sound like a thunderclap. The water rushed past her and suddenly, Gulchima was no longer in water. The water had disappeared. A giant sinkhole had appeared in the center of the lake!

  Gulchima was lying in the muddy lake bottom. Thousands of fish flapped around her. The moonlight glinted off of the bottles she and Hubward had sunk earlier, the bottles filled with trangles.

  "The salt ate away the lake bottom!" Hubward yelled. "The lake is above the caverns that house the fizz factory. Well, it used to be. Now the lake is flooding through the fizz factory caverns."

  "My sister is down there," Gulchima said quietly. She stood up. "I'm going to go after her."

  "Yeah, but what about Brunhild's attack? And what about . . . ."

  Hubward pointed at the lake bed. The small fish were flapping about, but that wasn't the worst of it.

  A few of the bottles that held the trangles had smashed open. The clay creatures were pulling themselves out, and smashing all the bottles they could find, freeing the others. They rolled themselves into one ball of clay.

  "Oh no," Gulchima said. "Why did we put all the trangles in one place?"

  Each time a group of trangles got together, they rolled themselves into a larger ball, then smashed more bottles, then rolled around the lake bottom, picking up more and more power, until one massive, fish-filled, muddy mountain was formed.

  Then, the mountain of broken
trangles started to grow arms, and legs, and horrible mean red eyes.

  A giant trangle stood above them, blocking the entrance to the caverns. It was at least a hundred feet tall. And it was angry.

  The giant trangle bellowed, shaking the leaves off the trees.

  Behind it, closer to the sinkhole, an odd green creature leapt onto the muddy lake bottom. It had eight arms, no head, and one very large nose.

  In one of its hands, the green creature held a sword. The other seven arms did not move.

  "That's Man-of-Arms," Hubward said. "The best swordsman in Baltica." He swallowed. "I think we're in serious rabbit poo here Gulch."

  "I never said you could use that nickname," Gulchima replied. A shadow crossed her face. "But yeah Hub, this is some serious rabbit poo right now."

  A tree hurtled toward her, and she jumped out of the way.

  END OF PART III

  Chapter 36: Brunhild Attacks

  Brunhild did not knock. She stood in front of the gate to Bayadev and hummed.

  She could see the inhabitants of Bayadev atop the wall, could see their torchlight behind the main gate at the riverside entrance. Brunhild smelled unsheathed metal, heard the hasty clunks of wood being chopped. She knew what to expect. They were ready to fight.

  This was rather fortunate, Brunhild surmised. Her army was ready to fight too, and she wouldn't have wanted to deprive them. She glanced behind her at the waiting River-Hags, the fairies, the bandits and lunkers. They were girded for battle as well.

  It wouldn't be terribly difficult.

  She'd sent her fairies in first, and they'd dropped firebombs around the burgh, little packets of flame to keep the inhabitants busy. Perhaps half of the defenders were now putting out fires.

  Certainly, Rattbone's Outfit had done a stellar job rebuilding the fortifications around Bayadev. She'd found no weaknesses. Thus the firebomb distraction, and the showdown at the main riverside gate. It was better that one kept things simple, given the communication problems between magical creatures.

  The houseboats were already overrun by her army, though she had found them abandoned. It was a shame she had to burn everything. She liked the houseboats immensely. But her sister River-Hags would not abide them. They simply would not.

  A few arrows pattered harmlessly against Brunhild's gleaming scale armor. Arrows? How ridiculous these Bayadev people were. A potato dropped on her head. Brunhild picked it up, and threw it back over the wall.

  "As I suspected," Brunhild said to Kondo, former leader of the band of bad bandits. "They've been told about the potatoes." She held up a small birdcage, as if showing it the front gate.

  Kondo grinned, evilly. "Too bad they won't work no more on you." A spear whistled toward Kondo's head, but he seemed not to notice. A blue-white bolt of magic shot out from his sword handle, evaporating the spear half-a-second before it impacted him. The ash fell harmlessly to the ground.

  "I presume you've sent some of your bandits to secure the fizz factory?" Brunhild asked. She swung her birdcage slowly back and forth.

  "Oh yeah," Kondo replied. "Sent my best fighters. This is a big score for us, Brun-bun. We're gonna take over the fizz factory and get ourselves some real commerce. Even more than the you-give-us-your-money-or-we'll-burn-it-all-down variety. I mean a real business. Selling fizz-water will be a steady income, especially if we make all the workers become slaves. "

  Brun-bun? Hmmm. She did not remember agreeing to that nickname. She would have a word with Kondo. Perhaps two words. The second word would be now.

  "One must not put the cart before the oxen," she reminded him.

  Her voices agreed.

  "First we must get into the burgh," Brunhild recited, "then defeat the burghers, then kidnap Rattbone's nieces and then burn it all. Then heap it all up, and burn it again."

  "Except the fizz factory," Kondo reminded her.

  "Yes, excepting the fizz factory which is yours," Brunhild said.

  A pot of boiling oil was tossed on her and Kondo. Brunhild noticed it in the way a person in a raincoat notices a light drizzle. The oil cooled instantly on her scale armor, then fell to the ground. "There's no need for such frippery," she called to her attackers.

  Something inside of her birdcage rattled. Brunhild held it up.

  "About time those furry layabouts did something," Kondo muttered.

  A single furry hand darted out of the birdcage. Its fingers were as long as her hand. Brunhild had not realized how shy the lunkers were. Still, she'd accommodated them, and they had come through.

  The hand paused as if considering, then pulled on a single nail in the center of the fortified gate. The gate collapsed inward with a crash.

  She waved her sword in a circular motion. Her army of magical creatures charged into Bayadev.

  The bandits would loot. The fairies would firebomb. The River-Hags would destroy. Brunhild hoped the lunkers would scurry inside eventually and cause mayhem. Right now they waited at the back and hid in the trees.

  Brunhild looked behind her. The lone wonder worm was just sitting there on the dock where she'd placed it. No, wait. She saw motion.

  This was it!

  The wonder worm swelled up, then extruded a small puff of noxious gas. A nearby leaf turned brown and wilted. Then the wonder worm light went out.

  That was it?

  "Must be stronger in large numbers," Brunhild said to Kondo.

  But he was busy smashing down the wall to the bakery, and didn't seem to hear her.

  Chapter 37: Hubward Gets a Pep Talk

  "I need to get to that sinkhole," Gulchima barked. "Hubward, you need to get me past the giant clay trangle, then past the green creature. And you can't use magic."

  "Oh is that all?" Hubward asked. He eyed the giant trangle. It was tearing out more trees along the lake shore.

  "No actually," Gulchima said. "After I rescue my sister from the caverns, you'll need to save Bayadev and defeat Brunhild and all the magical monsters too. Plus take care of the giant trangle here."

  "Oh, and nothing else after that, right?" Hubward asked, nervously.

  "Wrong. Then I'll need you to meet me at the dragon, and we'll defeat that Ash creature once and for all," Gulchima said. "So that's the plan. In the short term. For tonight." Gulchima smiled. "There's lots more to do after that of course. But I don't want to overwhelm you."

  "Ummm, thanks." Hubward swallowed. "At least things can't possibly get worse."

  He was right. Things got impossibly worse.

  The fish had stopped jumping into the air. As each fish gasped its last breath, the mud of the lake engulfed its body, bubbled up, and then . . . came back to life.

  Each dead fish formed into another trangle. Except these were almost four feet tall, had the head of a fish, the body of a man, and swirling blue eyes. They were made of hardened mud, except for their teeth, which were barbed fishing hooks and sharp yellow bone.

  These fish-trangles wandered around the mucky lake bottom like zombies. They bit anything that moved, which meant they spent a lot of time biting each other. There were thousands of them.

  Gulchima put her hand on Hubward's shoulder. "Can you please stop saying that."

  "Let me see if I can do magic." Hubward stepped back, pointed his pinky finger at the four closest fish-trangles. A sudden gust of wind hit them, and they exploded apart with a screeching Rawrp. One of the fish-trangle heads wriggled on the ground near his feet.

  "Better than nothing. I'm at about one-third of my normal magical power," Hubward said. "The sauna in the dragon and all the running must have made me lose some weight." He snapped his fingers. "I know, I'll just make you invisible."

  Hubward pointed his pinky at Gulchima.

  Gulchima cringed away, slipping over a large white bone buried in the lake bottom. "You can't use magic on me! I promised my sister." She started to scrape the mud off of her lower legs.

  "Ok. Hold on one minute." Hubward walked over to the closest fish-trangle head, and picked it u
p. He held it wriggling, under one arm.

  "Can you walk like a trangle?" Hubward asked.

  He explained what he wanted her to do. Gulchima covered herself with mud. When at last she was properly coated, Hubward put the fish-trangle head on top of her own head, like a helmet. She was a bit taller than the others, but could pass for one of them. He watched her walk.

  "No, choppier steps," he said.

  Gulchima did what he said. "Rawrp, I'm a clay monster that hates everything. Rawrp, rawrp, rawrp. I have the clay head of a fish but the clay body of a man for no explainable reason. Rawrp."

  "That's pretty good," Hubward said. "Okay, so this is our stupid-awesome non-magical plan. I'll create a distraction, you lay here in the mud, then stand up and trangle-trot until you get to the sinkhole."

  "And the green thing?" Gulchima asked.

  "You should smell like a trangle to him. So it should work out."

  "Back into the dark, alone," Gulchima said. "That's always where the monsters go. Do you have any advice for me in there?"

  "Yeah, don't eat the yellow cake," Hubward said.

  Gulchima stared at him. Her eyes were visible just below the swirling blue eyes of the fish-trangle. "I'm jumping into a sinkhole to fight who knows what, and you have dessert advice?"

  "It's the most dangerous thing down there," Hubward said. "If you see any loose yellow cake, don't touch it. Especially if you're around magic."

  "Anything else?" Gulchima asked. "Anything that will actually help me to survive."

  "Yeah, tell the truth. It's the best chance you have. A lot of the people you're fighting are enchanted or bamboozled or hypnotized. So just don't forget to tell the truth. Help them to see what's really going on."

  Hubward looked at the monsters, the giant trangle, and Man-of-Arms. That was only the first part? He took a few steps back. "This is crazy. It won't work."

  "Hubward, I don't have time for a pep talk," Gulchima said. "You have to do this."

  Hubward nodded. "I will . . . but I need my family. I never was much of a fighter. I'll just run back and get them."

  "There's no time for that," Gulchima yelled. "You have to defeat these thousand monsters by yourself. I'm going to save my sister. That's the plan."