by J. S. Cooper
To My Immature Ex Boyfriend
J. S. Cooper
Copyright © 2021 by J. S. Cooper
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Created with Vellum
Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
21. Chapter 24
22. Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Epilogue
Read an Excerpt from Friends with Complicated Benefits
Prologue
To My Immature Ex-Boyfriend,
There are so many things that I want to say to you, but because I’m a lady, I will keep my ’big mouth’ closed. I received your email the other day and you’ve got to be joking if you think I have any interest in meeting up with you during your visit to San Francisco. I would rather take a long walk off a short pier into an ocean of sharks. Also, the fact that you wouldn’t mind seeing my bedroom for ’old time’s sake’ makes me laugh. I don’t want to be rude but those memories aren’t ones I wish to repeat. I have better uses for five minutes of my time. You can keep the poems I wrote you, my cheerleader’s outfit, and the promise ring that you gave me. The only promise I want from you is the one that says I will never hear from your obnoxious, arrogant, weirdly-shaped head again.
Sincerely,
Birdie
P.S. No, we’re never going to repeat the night you won the homecoming football game. I have a secret to tell you. I didn’t care about football then and I still don’t.
To My Mouthy Ex-Girlfriend,
Birdie, I’m guessing that you still have repressed feelings for my big head. I don’t blame you. If I’d gotten to be with a hunk like me, I wouldn’t have gotten over it, either. I’ll be in San Francisco for a week. I bet you can fit me in for three hours and twenty minutes. That was our record, remember? Please don’t go into the ocean with any sharks. I’d hate to have to rescue you in the water again … Oh, wait … that was just an excuse to show off in a wet t-shirt, wasn’t it? I’m looking forward to seeing you. Maybe I’ll treat you to a Forty-Niners game. You know I can get VIP tickets to any game.
We both know you’ll be there. I’d hate to have to let your momma in on some of your secrets.
Your sexy ex,
Hunter Augustus Beauregard III
P.S. There are many things I’d love to repeat. I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you the first one. :)
Chapter 1
Birdie
“Birdie, darling, I’m so happy to hear your voice. Mawmaw wants to know if you’ll be home for her anniversary.” My mother’s deceptively sweet voice told me everything I needed to know. If I weren’t back home in Bluffton, South Carolina, by March 23rd, I would be disowned.
“You can tell Mawmaw that it depends on my boss. If he’ll let—”
“Birdie, I don’t need to tell you that family always comes first for a Vanderbilt.”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady.”
“I’m not rolling my eyes,” I lied. How could she see my facial expressions even over the phone? My mom was a psychic witch. Not that I’d ever tell her that, even as a joke. She’d have my head off. She was already pissed that I’d moved to California after college. She and the rest of my family considered California to be the devil’s state, where nothing good could ever happen. She was waiting for it to break off from the continent and sink into the ocean. “It just depends on work.” And how well I think I can deal with my entire family for an extended period of time. “You know how much my job means to me, Mom.”
“Well, bless your heart, Birdie. I expect you’ll figure something out.”
“Yes, Mom.” I sighed. Every good Southern girl knows what it means when your momma says, ’bless your heart’. “I have to get going now, though. I’m actually getting ready for work right now.”
“Before you go, Birdie, I have a favor to ask you.”
“What favor?”
“I spoke to Abilene two days ago and—”
“Nope, Mom. Whatever it is, nope.”
“Birdie Vanderbilt.” There it was again. That disapproving tone. The phone was silent for a few moments before she continued in her sugary-sweet tone. “I spoke to Abilene Beauregard, and she said that Hunter Augustus is going to be flying to San Francisco next week.”
“Okay, and?” I didn’t care how cold my voice sounded. I wanted nothing to do with the Beauregards ever again. Especially Hunter. I could still picture his smug face, and I still wanted to smack the dopey grin on it into the next galaxy.
“Well, she was hoping that you could show Hunter—”
“Never going to happen, Mother, not in a million years.”
“Well, Birdie Virginia Vanderbilt, that is not how we raised you!”
“I guess California’s rubbed off on me. I don’t call the stuff that comes out of horses manure anymore,” I retorted, and she gasped. I was going to pay for (not) saying to shit to my mother. My father would be calling to tell me off within twenty-four hours.
“Birdie, can you not show him the sights? You know Abilene is one of my best friends.”
“Mom, Hunter is my ex-boyfriend. I do not want to see him. He broke my heart. He’s an asshole. I don’t care if it’s what you or Abilene want, it’s not going to happen. I have to go now. Love you, Momma, and we’ll talk later.”
I hung up quickly before she could respond. This was just the perfect start to an absolutely perfect day. I’d already woken up feeling bad about myself, and my talk with my mother had made me feel worse.
It’s official. I am a loser. Every single one of my friends now has a boyfriend. And who do I have? I have no one, absolutely no one. I, Birdie Vanderbilt, am going to be single for the rest of my life. I just know it. At 23 years old, I am done for. It was just like my ex-boyfriend, Hunter Augustus Beauregard, said when we broke up: “You’re trouble, Birdie. You’re trouble and you’re drama, and you’re never going to have anyone.”
I hated thinking about Hunter Augustus Beauregard. He was my sworn enemy, and if I ever saw him again, I’d slash his tires, or maybe even key his car. On second thought, I’d slash his tires, key his car, and bust out all of his windows. And that was exactly the reason why I shouldn’t go back to South Carolina, anytime soon. If I got anywhere near Hunter’s pretentious little Audi, I’d end up in jail. Oh, and of course Hunter would stand outside the cell, pointing and laughing at me. Because he was the most immature asshole I knew.
But I wasn’t going to think about him, not anymore. That’s why I’d moved to San Francisco and started a new life. I was a new person. I was going to take on the world. I was going to change the world. I was going to do something really cool and show everyone back in South Carolina that I was more than just a ditzy cheerleader who had fallen for th
e high school quarterback. I was more than the girl who had followed him to college and had my heart broken after almost eight years of dating. I was well and truly over Hunter. I just didn’t want him anymore.
I needed to stop thinking about the past. The past was the past, and it was done and over with. Just like our relationship. I needed to focus on the here and now. Just because my best friends, Magnolia, Jane, Millie, and Olivia all had boyfriends now didn’t mean that I was alone. They were my friends. They were my coworkers. And I knew that if I needed them, they would be there for me.
I also knew that they would help me find a man if I wanted them to. This time, though, I wasn’t going to settle for anything less than the best man in the world. Well, maybe not in the world. The best man in San Francisco, at least. That’s all I needed. I’d even settle for second-best man … or the third-best.
He just needed to be better than Hunter Augustus Beauregard, and that was a pretty low bar to hurdle.
I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror to see if there was something dreadfully wrong with me. I stared at myself for a moment then smiled. I wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world, but I was pretty, with long blonde hair and big blue eyes. I was the all-American girl. At least that’s what my parents always told me. Yeah, I could’ve stood to lose 25 pounds—if I wanted to be a catwalk model—but I was curvy in all the right places. That’s what I put in all my dating ads. I sometimes wished I were one of those petite waifs with flat stomachs and perfect breasts, but I wasn’t. I was a curvy girl, and men—real men—liked girls with curves. Right?
I looked at my stomach. There was more to love there than I would’ve liked, but I loved to eat and I hated to work out, so those extra pounds weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. But that was okay. I was proud of my body. At least I was now. I was so proud of my curves and overall sexiness that if I were to see Hunter Augustus Beauregard right now, I’d do a little striptease to show him exactly what he was missing. Not that I ever wanted to see him again. If I could go the rest of my life without seeing, hearing, or thinking about him, I’d die a very happy woman. I’d wasted enough of my life on him and I wasn’t going to waste a minute more.
Chapter 2
Hunter
“You’re an idiot, Hunter,” my youngest sister, Nellie, said as she walked into my kitchen.
“I know you’re not calling me an idiot as you start to raid my fridge.” I continued eating my Cheerios. “Do you or do you not want to stay with me while you figure out what you want to do with your life?”
“You’d never kick me out.” She laughed as she pulled some eggs and cheese out of the fridge. “I have too much dirt on you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You have no dirt on me.”
“I know why Birdie dumped your ass.” She smirked at me as she placed a pan on the stovetop.
“That was a mutual breakup,” I lied.
“Yeah, right.” She shook her head. “Liar.”
“What are you making? Scrambled eggs or an omelet?”
“Why?”
“Because I want some.”
“I’m not your maid, Hunter.”
“You can say that again. My entire house is a mess.”
“Your entire house is a mess because you have your football buddies over every night drinking.” She rolled her eyes as she walked back to the fridge and grabbed more eggs. “You’re not in college anymore. You need to get a life. Your glory days are over.”
“I’m twenty-three, and my glory days are not done.” I glared at her. “Make some toast as well. I’m suddenly very hungry.” I laughed as she sighed and stomped her feet back over to the fridge. “Also, I noticed you flirting with half of my football buddies last night, so you’re really not one to talk.”
“I wouldn’t date them, though. Flirting is just that, flirting. Notice none of them were in my bed at the end of the night.” She grabbed the bread and put two slices in the toaster. “Anyway, you’re still an idiot.”
“You mean in my bed … I own all the beds in this house, and if I ever caught one of my buddies in your bedroom, you’d be back with Mom and Dad so fast it would make your head spin.” I gave her my most handsome grin. “So, why am I an idiot, Nellie?”
In return, she gave me her pointed, superior look. Nellie was like a younger, more annoying version of my mother, only she had no filter and no etiquette. She said whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
“Because you’re living the life Mom and Dad want you to live, instead of actually going out there and living your dreams.”
“How am I living the life Mom and Dad want?” I growled, a little defensively.
“You’re working for Dad at the bank, which we both know you never wanted to do.”
“It’s called Beauregard Bank. Our family has run it for years. It was always expected that I’d work there. You know that Nellie.”
“I know you wanted more, even if you don’t.” She shrugged. “Oh well, at least Birdie got out.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped.
“She got out of Clifton. She got out of South Carolina.” Nellie shrugged. “She’s living my dream.”
“Birdie broke her parents’ heart by leaving town. You don’t want to do that to Mom and Dad.”
“Well, she wouldn’t have broken their hearts if you hadn’t broken hers.”
“She dumped me, remember?”
“Yeah, but we both know why, big bro.” She shook her head. “I was a freshman, remember? Everyone was talking about it for months.”
“Stop exaggerating, Nellie.” I got up and walked to the French doors at the back of the kitchen and looked out to the backyard. “No one was talking about anything.”
I tried to ignore the heavy feeling in my chest as I stared at the rose bush to the right of the tree. Birdie had loved roses.
But then again, Birdie had been a girlie girl and much more drama than she was worth.
Chapter 3
Birdie
“Birdie, is everything okay?” My coworker and friend Olivia looked at me keenly over the lunch table in our office break room. I prayed she couldn’t read my mind.
“Yeah. Why?” I asked her.
“You’re being awfully quiet.” Olivia looked over at Magnolia, Jane, and Millie, who all nodded in agreement. I loved the women I worked with and they were some of my closest friends, but sometimes I hated that they were so perceptive. It was definitely a plus when your friends could tell something was wrong just from your expression, but sometimes, you just want to be left alone.
“Yeah, girl. What’s going on?” Magnolia’s eyes and voice both expressed concern.
“Well, guys, what do you think is going on?” I said with a dramatic sigh.
“Uh oh.” Magnolia smirked. “I’m not sure, but I think you’re going to tell us.”
“It’s not funny, Magnolia. I’m literally in despair right now.”
“What happened?” Jane asked. I could tell from the expression on her face that she was genuinely concerned—unlike Magnolia, who thought I was a drama queen.
“Y’all, my mom called me this morning,” I admitted.
“Okay. And?” Olivia prodded.
“I have to go home for my grandparents’ anniversary, which is fine, I haven’t seen my parents in a while, anyway. But she also told me that Abilene Beauregard had a message for me.”
“Hold up.” Olivia laughed. “Who is Abilene Beauregard? Why do I feel like I’ve got a bit role in Gone with The Wind?”
“I forgot I haven’t told you guys. Abilene Beauregard belongs to an organization my mom’s a part of. You guys might know it. Daughters of the Confederacy?”
“Never heard of it before in my life,” Jane said with a laugh.
“Okay, well, it doesn’t matter. It’s a Southern thing. I bet if you asked Tate, he would know.” Tate was Jane’s boyfriend, who was also from the South. “It’s an organization for women who are—”
“Let me guess,�
�� Jane grinned. “Daughters of the Confederacy?”
“Yeah. Well, anyway, Abilene Beauregard is also my ex’s mom.”
“Oh wow, why didn’t you lead with that?” Millie’s jaw dropped, “And she’s still good friends with your mom?”
“Yeah, they’re still good friends. And apparently, my ex is coming to town and—”
“Oh, my gosh. Do not tell me that your mom wants you to meet up with him?” Magnolia looked at me sympathetically. She gently patted my hand. “Okay, I understand why you’re upset now.”
“Yeah. As if I was going to show him around town! Who does Hunter Augustus Beauregard think he is?”
“That is not his name!” Jane laughed. “Hunter Augustus Beauregard?”
“Oh, and I forgot the third. He’s officially Hunter Augustus Beauregard III. How pretentious is that?”
“Um, wow. And I thought Tate’s family was hardcore. Your family and your ex’s family sound even more hardcore.” Jane shook her head.
“Yeah, I guess that’s how we do it in South Carolina.” I laughed, “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I loved growing up there, and I loved my life, but I need more. I’m no longer the ditzy cheerleader who dated the quarterback in high school and college. I’ve moved on, and he should move on, too.”
“No way. Why does that not surprise me that you were a cheerleader?” Olivia grinned. “And you dated the quarterback? How cliché is that?”