by J. S. Cooper
“Mawmaw! I’m not going to see how Hunter’s doing. I don’t care how he’s doing. He can jump off the Bay Bridge for all I care.”
“Well, now, Birdie, that’s not a very nice thing to say, is it?”
“Well, he’s not a very nice person, and I don’t think that I have to be nice—”
“Birdie,” she cut me off. “Don’t get emotional. What have I always told you?”
“Let me think. Never wear red nail polish because I’ll look like a whore?”
“Well, yes, there’s that as well.”
“Never wear ankle bracelets for the same reason?”
“They’re so tacky, dear.”
“I don’t know. What else have you told me, Mawmaw?”
“I always told you never let them see you sweat. Remember, dear, never get angry. Never raise your voice. Never look annoyed. If they think they haven’t affected you, then you’re winning. Remember that dear. We’re winning if they don’t affect you.”
“Okay, Mawmaw. I love you. I’ll speak to you later, okay?”
“I love you too, Birdie. Come home and make an old woman happy?”
“I’ll try my best, Mawmaw. I promise.”
And as I hung up the phone, I knew I was going to have to go home. There was no way I wanted to disappoint the most important person in my life.
Chapter 12
Hunter
I didn’t know why I didn’t want to admit that I was at fault for what went down between Birdie and me. It wasn’t like I didn’t think about that day over and over again, though I’d be loath to tell anyone that it occupied so much of my thoughts. I could still remember the look on Birdie’s face as she’d confronted me in the locker room. I could still see the pain and the tears in her eyes, and I could still feel the way I felt at that moment: immobile, cold, and scared. All my football buddies had been standing there, and I hadn’t wanted to show my vulnerability. I hadn’t wanted them to see how much Birdie affected me. I knew if the guys had seen me run to Birdie, they would have lost respect for me. They would’ve thought I was weak. And the captain of the team can’t be weak. The captain of the team had to be made of steel.
Now, of course, I didn’t care. I was older and wiser. I realized that they were just boys. I had just been a boy. And now I was a man. I knew that if I was a real man, I’d own up to my mistakes. I should beg Birdie for a second chance, but that just wasn’t in my nature. Maybe I would have if she’d stayed in South Carolina, but she’d left. She’d left me after eight years of what I’d thought had been a great relationship. Not even a phone call to tell me she was going. She’d left as if I meant nothing. I’d been in shock when my mom had told me, “Birdie’s gone.” The mere fact that my mom knew before I did was like a punch in the gut. How had a simple argument spun out of control like that?
How could she just leave? We’d promised that we’d always love each other. We’d promised that what we had was forever.
And yeah, I fucked up, but she just left.
I walked out of the bathroom and saw my sister sitting on the bed, flicking through the television stations. She looked up at me and made a face. “Took your time, didn’t you, bro?”
“I was showering. Thank you very much, Nellie. Would you rather me stink?”
“I would rather you weren’t getting water all over the floor.” She yawned and switched off the TV. “So, what’s the plan for tonight?”
“Whadda you mean, what’s the plan for tonight?”
“What are we doing?”
“We’re not doing anything, sis. I need to get ready for my business meetings on Monday.”
“Oh my God, so boring,” she mumbled.
“You can go out and do whatever you want, Nellie.”
“I don’t want to go by myself. I’m young. I can’t go around a big city like this by myself.”
“Well, it sucks that Shelby’s flight got delayed. I guess you can just watch TV tonight.”
“I don’t want to watch TV. I’m in San Francisco. I know!” she said excitedly. “Let me help you write your letter.”
“Not right now. I have things to do.” My heart thudded painfully in my chest.
“Things that are more important than you getting back with Birdie?” She raised an eyebrow. “And you know I’m meeting her tomorrow for lunch, so if you don’t write the letter tonight, when are you going to write it? Tomorrow? You don’t want to write a rushed letter. You need to get it right.”
“Okay, fine.” I sighed and held my hand up. “I’ll give you thirty minutes. We can go over the letter. Then I really have to work. This deal is really important. I know you don’t work for the family business, but you’re certainly a beneficiary of all the money that we make. And if we’re not making money, then you’re not going to be able to live the lifestyle that you’ve become accustomed to.”
“Oh my God, really, Hunter?” She rolled her eyes. “You’re beginning to sound a lot like Dad, you know that? So frigging annoying.”
“Well, maybe Dad has a point. Maybe you—”
“Hunter!” she cut me off. “Enough. Stop changing the subject. Let’s write this letter for Birdie.” She sighed. “You know, I really do miss her. Even if you guys don’t get back together, at least don’t make her so pissed off that she hates all of us. I’d really like for her to be friends with me.”
“I know you want to be friends with her again, but she’s living her life now. She’s a big city girl. She doesn’t have time for us hicks from Bluffton.”
“You’re a hick, not me.”
“I’m not a hick.”
“Yeah, you are. You go fishing. You go camping. You go shootin’ and huntin’.” She pretended to shoot a gun and then blew onto her fingertips.
“So? That doesn’t make me a hick,” I said in my deepest Southern voice.
“Yeah, it kind of does, Hunter.”
“Anyway, what do you want me to say in this letter?”
“Why don’t you tell me what you want to say first, and then I’ll help you with that.”
“I thought you said you were going to tell me what to write. Why would I tell you what I’m going to write?” I was getting annoyed and wondering if I’d made a mistake bringing Nellie with me.
“Because it has to be genuine and it has to be heartfelt.” She looked at me as if I were stupid. “I’m not going to write the letter for you. That’s not sincere.”
“ Really? After all this, you’re not even writing the letter? I thought that was the whole point.”
“No, bro. The whole point was that I was going to help you to refine the letter to make sure it was something sweet, to make sure it’s something that Birdie would like, and to make sure that you didn’t put your foot in your mouth. Look,” she handed me a pen and a pad. “Write down what you’re thinking here, and then I’ll go through it with you and I’ll tell you what I like and what I don’t like.”
“I don’t really know about this.” I shook my head as I took the pen and paper from her. “I don’t really want to share my deepest, most intimate thoughts with you.” There was no way in hell I was going to write exactly what I was thinking. I could barely express my true emotions to myself.
“Well, were you really going to share your deepest, most intimate thoughts with Birdie?” Her voice was unusually gentle. “I mean, you seem to have a front on all the time with everyone. I feel like you’re not honest with anyone. Maybe not even yourself. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable.”
“You know I’m honest. Why would you say that?” Since when had my sister grown so smart?
“Yeah, you’re honest about stuff in real life that doesn’t matter, but are you honest about your feelings? Like, really and truly honest? Are you really and truly honest with yourself about what happened?”
“What are you, a psychiatrist now? I thought you were studying friggin’ communications in college. You didn’t tell me that you switched to psychiatry.” This was getting far too deep for me.
“So, are you planning on going to med school now? Mom and Dad will be very happy.”
“You know I have no plans of going to med school, but I could if I wanted. I have a 3.8 GPA. So there.”
“Wow. You have a 3.8 GPA. You are such a genius, Nellie.”
“You know what, Hunter? I’m not going to help you if you’re going to speak to me like this. And stop trying to change the subject. You’re only making it worse on yourself.”
“Fine, I’m sorry. Let me think about what to say.” I started chewing on the pen as I thought to myself. What did I really want to say to Birdie? I scribbled a few lines and then looked up at Nellie. “Okay. I think I’ve got it.”
“And that is?” She looked at me expectantly.
I cleared my throat. I felt surprisingly nervous. “Hey, Birdie. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. It would be really cool to catch up. You’re definitely missed back in South Carolina. Hope you’re loving San Francisco. Your ex, Hunter Beauregard.”
“Are you freakin’ joking me?” Nellie looked at me in astonishment as she shook her head. “That’s not the letter that you wrote. Really?”
“What’s wrong with it? I’m being honest, right?”
“That’s absolutely horrible. It has no feeling. If I were her, I would read that letter and rip it up and not even give it a second thought. That’s nothing, Hunter. That gives her no reason to actually give you another chance for anything.”
“Whadda you mean that’s nothing? I said she’s missed in South Carolina.”
“It didn’t even say that you missed her specifically.”
“Well, isn’t that implied by the simple fact that it’s in my letter?”
“You are absolutely ridiculous. You need to try again. “
“So what part of it is salvageable?”
“None of it, Hunter. Absolutely none of it. It’s all awful. Start again from the beginning.” She paused. “I have an idea.”
“Okay, what’s the idea?”
“Imagine Birdie was dying.”
“What? What do you mean, imagine Birdie was dying?” I gave her a dirty look. “Are you frickin’ joking? That’s absolutely horrible and morbid.”
“I know it’s morbid, but think about it. If she were on her deathbed and you had to say your final words to her, what would you say?”
“I have no idea. I don’t even like thinking about it.”
“Hunter, please. I’m just trying to help you. Okay?”
“Fine. Let me think.” I sat there staring at the pad, thinking about Birdie. She was such a funny, fun-loving girl. I remembered the first time we’d gone swimming in the lake and she’d seen some fish swimming beneath her. I can still remember the way she’d laughed and the way she shrieked as one of the fish brushed against her leg. She thought it was a jellyfish. I told her that there weren’t any jellyfish in that lake. And we both started laughing.
She was quirky. She was beautiful. And she was fun. And somehow I’d messed it all up. I’d taken her for granted. I thought I could have it all: the beautiful girlfriend always there for me and my status as the big man on campus. The quarterback, the star of the football team. Every single guy looked up to me. Every single guy wanted to be me. And yeah, there were plenty of girls that wanted me. I never told Birdie, but there were girls who had given me their panties, their bras, even naked pics via text message and email. But I hadn’t cared. I hadn’t wanted any of them.
It was always Birdie. It had always been Birdie. I grabbed a pen and started scribbling quickly. And then finally I looked up at my sister. “I have something new,” I said, my voice stoic.
“Okay. I hope it’s a little bit better, brother.”
“This is kind of heartfelt, so I don’t want you to laugh or act stupid.”
“Do I look like I’m going to laugh?” she said gently, “Just read it, okay, Hunter?”
“Fine.” I cleared my throat and then stared at the paper. I couldn’t read it out loud. I was too embarrassed to say it out loud in front of my sister. “I can’t do it. Do you want to read it?”
“No. Read it.”
“Fine.” I cleared my throat again. “Hey, Birdie. I never thought I’d be in a position to write a letter like this. I never thought we’d be so distant. It pains me that you don’t want to talk to me. And it pains me even more that you don’t want to see me. You’ve always been my other half. The yin to my yang. The cross in my T, the dot to my I. You’re the only one that’s ever laughed at all my jokes and seen me cry at movies that I would never normally watch. Birdie, it’s always been you, and I can’t fathom how we got to this place. How you hate me so much. How I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
“It’s been years now, and yet it feels like days, or hours. I don’t really know what to say, but I hope that you will give me a chance to tell you in person just how badly I want to make it up to you. Just how badly I’d like to talk to you again. I know I was a fool. I can still remember how much I loved you. And I can still remember how much you loved me. And I hope that perhaps one day we’ll be together again.”
I paused and looked over at my sister. Her eyes were glossy with tears. She suddenly put a hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.
“Oh my God, Nellie, what’s wrong?” I dropped the paper on the ground and walked over to her. “Are you okay?”
“Oh, Hunter. That was beautiful!” she sniffed. “You really do love her. Don’t you?”
“You know I love her. It’s always been her. I mean, isn’t that obvious?”
“I’ve been telling you that for years and you always—” She stopped. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter anymore. You admit it now. She’ll love that. She’ll absolutely love it. Give it to me.”
“No,” I said suddenly. “No.”
“Hunter, what are you talking about no? That’s perfect.”
“I sound like a frigging pansy. She left me, remember?”
“She left you because you were a jerk.”
“Yeah, I was a jerk, but she left me and she didn’t even say goodbye. I don’t want to look like a wimp. I don’t want to have to beg for her to come back.”
“Oh, my God. Why do you have to be so stubborn? Please, Hunter!”
“You don’t understand, Nellie.”
“What don’t I understand? You think I don’t understand love? Just because I’ve never been in a long-term relationship like you and Birdie have?”
“It’s not about love. It’s about—I don’t know. I’m just annoyed. I’m annoyed that she won’t talk to me. I’m annoyed that she won’t see me. I’m annoyed that she forgot that we promised each other.”
“You were young. You’re still young. You hurt her.”
“Yeah. I hurt her, but she left me.”
“You are the most stubborn, annoying man I’ve ever met in my life. You know that, right?”
“You know what? I don’t need you to take a letter to her for me anymore. Okay. It’s fine. Have lunch and do whatever you want to do. I’m fine.”
“But I thought you wanted to see her. I thought that was why we were here!”
“it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s the point? I’m just wasting my time.”
“But I’m sure if you gave her that letter you just wrote, she would want to see you.”
“Of course she would want to see me—so she could throw it in my face. No, I’m done. It’s over. She doesn’t want to see me. She doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s fine. Look, I’m going to go out. Okay? I’m going for a drink.”
“Really?
“Yeah, really.”
“I thought you said that you needed to work tonight.”
“Well, I guess I’ll work when I get back.”
“So, you can go out and have a drink, but you can’t hang out and do som
ething with me?”
“I just need to be alone right now, okay, Nellie? Like, order room service. Do whatever you want. I just need some time alone.”
“Okay, Hunter. I understand.” She looked at the pieces of paper on the ground.
“And don’t you dare pick that up and take it to her!” I glared at her. “I will never forgive you if you give that letter to Birdie.”
“But, Hunter, she’ll act—”
“No,” I caught her off. “No, no. You don’t give it to her. Okay? Promise me.”
“Fine,” she said softly. “But I think it’s a great letter. I think it really will give you an in.”
“That’s not the letter that I want to give her. That’s not how I want this to go.” I walked towards the door. “Anyway, I’ll speak to you later. I’ll be back in about an hour. I just need to walk around and get some fresh air.”
“Okay, Hunter. I’ll see you later.”
“I’ll see you later. Nellie. And I promise I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. We’ll have some fun. I’ll take you and Shelby out, okay?”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Bye, sis. I love you.”
“Bye.”
And with that, I walked out the door. As I closed it behind me, I rubbed my forehead and took a couple of deep breaths. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like this before, so completely out of control.
Birdie had ruined me in ways I hadn’t even realized until about twenty minutes ago. She had absolutely broken me. I wasn’t the strong, confident man that I’d always thought I was. I needed her. I wanted her so badly. I felt incomplete without her, and I needed to know that she felt the same way without me. Before anything could progress, before I could really tell her how I felt about what happened in the past, I needed to know that she wanted to give me another chance. I needed to know that she cared. And I couldn’t figure that out by appearing weak. She needed to see me as strong. She needed to fall in love with me again as me because I was a man who was going to make mistakes. And I didn’t want her to forgive me for this just because I was down on two knees begging. Because what happened if I fucked up again? Would she just leave again?