by Lucy Dawson
‘I’ve got to go,’ I announced.
‘I heard.’ He looked tired. ‘You don’t have to pull the 911; I’ll take Storm home when she stops crying. Sorry you had no choice but to overhear.’
‘I didn’t 911. I really do have to go. Dominic has just turned up at our house.’
‘Oh Christ. They’re all at it. Is there a full moon tonight?’ He sighed before leaning on the wall for a second. ‘Ex-husbands and wives, eh?’ He moved his foot to straighten up again and there was an unpleasant scratching sound. We both looked down and noticed a large arc on the pale oak floor.
‘Shit!’ He looked alarmed. ‘Did I do that?’ He lifted the bottom of his shoe. Embedded in the sole was a small and sharp piece of grit. He tried to pull it out with his fingers, but it was too tiny for him to get a purchase, so reaching into his pocket, he pulled out an antique folding knife with an elaborately jewelled handle. Opening out the blade, he picked at the piece of grit, wobbling on the spot. I held out a hand to steady him but he shook his head.
‘You go, I’ve got this. Thank you though. Hope it goes OK when you get home.’
‘You too. That’s a very flashy penknife. Are those real rubies?’
He nodded. ‘A gift from my parents for my eighteenth birthday. You’re meant to tape a penny to the blade if you give a knife as a present or it severs your relationship. The receiver then has to return the penny to the giver straight away as “payment”. We didn’t do any of that – as Storm so kindly pointed out tonight. I apologise that she decided to wash my dirty linen in public. I hope—’
‘I’ve already forgotten everything she said,’ I assured him. ‘But I really ought to go now. I won’t say anything about the floor either.’
He snorted. ‘Thanks. See you on Monday.’
I turned and fled back to the dining room, where Stefanie was carefully dividing a giant swiss roll. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I announced, ‘but we’ve got a situation at home we really need to get back for. The babysitter just called.’
Ewan looked alarmed, but Stefanie nodded, faintly, the knife paused mid-air. ‘I quite understand. I expect one of the children is ill? There’s a lot about at the moment. It always happens at this time of year with the temperature change. Don’t worry at all. I’ll get your coats.’
‘Please don’t get up.’ I held out a hand to everyone else as they began to scrape the chairs under the table, poor Clemmie puffing as she attempted to rock herself to standing, Geoff wobbling uncertainly on his feet. ‘It was very nice to meet you all. Have a lovely rest of the evening.’
Storm, who had appeared in the doorway, openly gave a snort of derision at that, but I didn’t care as I slipped past her. I just wanted to get home.
Ewan ushered me down the path to the car in silence. Only once the car door was shut and I was pulling away sharply did he collapse his head back onto the head-rest and groan aloud. ‘OH MY GOD. That was horrendous. Ball sacks, bathtubs and bastard brothers! What have we done? They’re all mental! Thank God for you. If you hadn’t pulled the SOS call, I was going to! Did I look suitably concerned?’
‘I didn’t make it up. It really was Molly calling. Dom is at the house—’
Ewan sat up straight immediately. ‘What?’
‘He just turned up. They’re all watching TV, apparently.’
‘She let him in?’ He put his hands on his head. ‘Is he pissed? Do we need to call the police?’
I pictured the new neighbours twitching their curtains; flashing blue lights outside the house on a Friday night… and Molly recounting the whole story to the other gap-year students at the school on Monday, if not before. ‘She said he’s calm. I don’t want to antagonise anything.’
‘We’re going to have to get an injunction. He rocks up unannounced at half nine on a Friday night, when he lives two hundred miles away? That’s not normal.’
‘I know!’ I shouted suddenly, and Ewan turned to me in surprise. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said immediately. ‘I’m just frightened, that’s all. I want to be there now.’
We continued in silence, only punctuated by Ewan placing a gentle hand over mine. ‘Slow down, we can’t do anything if we don’t get there in one piece.’
I gritted my teeth and said nothing more until we pulled up outside the house with a jerk. ‘Let me handle it, OK?’ I jumped out and slammed the door.
Leaving him to pay Molly in the hallway, I went to find the others.
All three of them were sitting on the sofa, Dominic in the middle, watching Top Gun, of all things, like it was totally normal.
‘Hey guys!’ I said quietly, closing the door behind me, but they didn’t hear me.
‘Dad, I don’t understand why that man has sunglasses on in the dark?’ Al put his hand on Dom’s arm and left it there. I winced at the sign of affection.
‘Because it’s cool.’
‘No, it’s because he’s a silly show off,’ I said, louder this time, and they all turned around.
‘Oh hi, you’re back!’ Dom got to his feet.
‘Sure am!’ I looked at him pointedly, taking in a neat haircut, clean trousers and a shirt.
‘Sit back down, Dad, you’re missing it.’ Al patted the sofa next to him.
‘No, Dad’s just going to come and have a quick chat with me in the kitchen.’ I beckoned to Dom, smiling, but Al’s face fell and he sighed heavily.
‘Cass? You all right?’ I looked at her and she nodded silently, totally absorbed in the film.
‘I wonder if they’ll make a Top Gun 2?’ Dom sounded nervous as he followed me out into the hallway and through into the kitchen. ‘I’m not sure how I’d feel about that. You shouldn’t mess with perfection.’
‘I can’t watch it anymore, all that “best of the best” competitive crap. Swap planes for scalpels and there’s my working life for the last fifteen years.’ I closed the door behind us. ‘Dominic, what are you doing? It’s—’
‘I’m sober! I’m totally sober. Look!’ He took a step closer to me, but I stood my ground. ‘I’ve been concentrating on going to meetings – that’s why I haven’t been in touch. I crossed the line, I know that, but—’
‘Haven’t been in touch? What are you talking about? It’s Friday. You were here on Monday. That’s just five days ago. You know that, right?’
‘Of course I do! The point is, I don’t have any alcohol in my system. I’m in recovery! Why would you say I’m not, when I am? I don’t understand?’ He gave a brief shake of his head, like he was tipping toxic fairy dust from his hair that he’d not noticed me sprinkle on him – and stepped away.
‘While I’m obviously delighted that you’re as much as four days sober, it’s still Friday night, nearly ten p.m. and you’re in my house with Al and Cassia without my permission, so you—’
‘I need your permission to see Al?’ He pulled such an exaggerated expression it was almost a caricature of confusion. He was becoming angry. ‘Since when?’
‘You need permission to be in my and my husband’s house, yes.’
‘But I phoned Al earlier! I didn’t just turn up! Didn’t he tell you any of this?’
‘It’s not Al’s responsibility to tell me anything. You should have called me, not him. And you’re not supposed to ring when you’re on your way or have actually arrived. We’ve been through this!’
There was a pause, and just like that, he crumpled in on himself, leaning on the side and covering his face with his hands. ‘You’re right, of course, you’re right – I’m sorry. I was just so excited to see him.’
‘It unsettles Alex hugely when you just appear out of nowhere, then inevitably go again without warning.’
‘I can see that. I’ll leave. I’ll leave now.’ He stared up at the ceiling, bewildered. ‘I need to start getting this right, I know I do.’
‘Come on, I’ll drive you back into town. Where are you staying?’
‘I haven’t sorted anything yet.’
I swore internally. ‘There’s a Premier Inn right oppos
ite the station. I’ll make sure it’s got availability while you say goodbye to Alex. I’ll pay.’
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ he said suddenly, ‘and you’re right, but I AM sorting myself out. I’m going to get a job, be in his life properly and responsibly. He’s such a good kid – the best.’ His voice broke and his eyes filled with tears. ‘He deserves my best too.’
I waited patiently for him to gather himself. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe he meant what he said. I’d spent years wanting him to change, willing him to, helping him to. Maybe this would be the time that was different… I really hoped so, but I’d heard it before and I wasn’t going to hold my breath.
‘I mean it, Jules,’ he said, ‘I’m going to show you I can change.’ He looked at me pleadingly.
I hesitated. ‘Perhaps as you’re going to be around tomorrow morning, I could bring Alex into town and you could have breakfast with him? How about that?’
‘That would be great! Except… I haven’t really got the money for that either.’
I didn’t let my expression betray my thoughts. ‘There’s a cashpoint at the station. I’ll get you some when I drop you off.’
‘Thanks so much. I’ll pay you back, of course.’
I ignored that, as I didn’t see how he could, so it seemed churlish to comment.
‘I’ll grab my stuff from your music room.’ He patted his pockets. ‘I put it out of the way so no one tripped over it. It’s a nice space. Do you still play the piano, by the way? It looks good in there.’
I shook my head. ‘Not as much as I’d like. No time, really. Why? Do you want it back?’
‘No!’ He coloured. ‘It was a present to you.’
I straightened up, suddenly having had enough of the ghosts gathering in the room around us and walked to the door. I found Ewan on the other side, sitting on the love seat in the hall, head in hands, waiting. He had a black rucksack and two large, empty canvas holdalls on the floor next to him.
‘Ah – you’ve got my things,’ said Dom. ‘Thanks, mate. Sorry to drop in like this.’ He walked past me and bent to pick them up from my husband’s feet.
‘No worries,’ Ewan said with difficulty, but to his eternal credit, didn’t say anything else.
I frowned as Dom shook out the enormous canvas bags, carefully folded them and shoved them in the rucksack. ‘What are they for?’
He flushed. ‘I bought Al and Cass a present each.’
‘What did you get them, a couple of giraffes?’
He scratched his head awkwardly. ‘That’s not far off, actually. They’ve taken them upstairs. I’m sure they’ll show you. Sorry – they’re a bit over the top, but I know how much Al likes animals and I didn’t want Cass to feel left out. Can I go and say goodbye to him?’
I nodded, and Dom disappeared into the sitting room.
‘What the hell?’ Ewan mouthed immediately, and I put my finger to my lips. He closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. I couldn’t blame him. How would I feel in his position? He waited in silence, saying nothing while I checked online to make sure there was room at the Inn.
Dom reappeared with Al trailing behind him, chattering away. ‘But you can just stay here! Mum and Ewan won’t mind!’
‘That’s really kind of you, pal, but I’m going to get a hotel. I snore really, really badly and I’ll keep you all awake if I stay here.’ Dom shrugged. ‘Whatcha gonna do?’
Al grinned. ‘To be fair, Cass wouldn’t like that. She needs her sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow then?’
‘Yes!’ Dom widened his eyes and pointed right at him. ‘For breakfast. Waffles, pancakes, anything you like. In fact, all of them!’
I made a mental note to get at least fifty quid out.
Alex smiled and clapped his hands excitedly, a baby bird in a stork’s awkward body. ‘Yay! You’re the best, Dad!’
I saw Ewan look away as my boy threw his arms around his father and hugged him tightly, resting his head on Dom’s shoulder and closing his eyes, his glasses slipping slightly. His smile was totally blissed out. His capacity for such simple and complete trust frightened me for him.
‘Love you, mate.’ Dom’s voice was choking up as he patted Al’s back then let him go. ‘Cheers, Ewan.’ He offered him his hand. ‘Cass is on good form. Nice to see everything working out for her. She’s looking so much like Lise all of a sudden, hey?’
Ewan took a deep breath. ‘Yes – she is. Take care, Dom. Travel safely.’
‘Will do.’ Dom swung his bag on his shoulder.
‘I’ll wave from the window.’ Alex ran excitedly into the sitting room, and Dom opened the front door. I walked out into the dark, pulling my coat more tightly around me and gasping as a gust of wind so cold it must have come straight from the sea blew through my very bones, taking my breath away. Seconds later it began to rain. I shivered and unlocked the car, pausing only to wave at our son, framed in the window, watching us leave.
Ten
Nathan
‘You lost control in front of them all.’ I drove the knife in mercilessly as I concentrated on the dark road ahead, the windscreen wipers whipping back and forth while Storm cried next to me on the passenger seat. ‘Why do you think we’ve all ended up leaving early?’
‘We can’t go on like this anymore,’ she whispered.
I rolled my eyes. ‘You’re drunk. You’ll feel better in the morning. This is the booze talking, not you.’
She twisted her head and looked at me, aghast. ‘That’s what you think this is?’
‘I think you made an embarrassment of yourself this evening, yes. It was very obvious to everyone that you were angry about the en-suite.’
‘It’s not about the fucking en-suite!’ She shrieked so loudly that I almost swerved.
Stef had managed to behave impeccably. No one would have spotted any intimacy between us at all, yet Storm was incandescent about a bath. The contrast was damning.
‘Oh God.’ She covered her face with her hands and started to sob. ‘What have I done? How have I let us get to here?’
I sighed tightly. I found Storm’s navel-gazing and complete-emotional-collapse episodes particularly tedious. Her usual flinty disapproval was vastly preferable. She was a heartbeat away from declaring that I didn’t love her anymore and probably never had, pushing for me to tell her in return that she was being ridiculous. It was absolutely the booze talking, whether she liked to admit it or not.
‘Is there something going on with you and Julia?’
I glanced at her, shivering and staring out of the window at the raindrops blowing down the glass, arms wrapped around her body in abject misery. ‘What the hell are you on about now?’
‘There was an atmosphere tonight,’ she continued. ‘It didn’t feel right from the moment we arrived, and I saw the effect it had on you, being sat next to Julia at dinner.’ Her voice became calmer and more resigned as she spoke. ‘You went all fidgety, like it was uncomfortable for you to be that close but not touch her. Are you in love with her?’
There was a moment of silence before I laughed. ‘Even for you that’s quite something! I met the woman four days ago!’
‘Deny it then! Swear on our son’s life that you don’t have feelings for her.’
‘That’s a hideous thing to say,’ I replied. ‘You’ve seen for yourself how fragile life is – before you decided to start plumping cushions to occupy your mind. I won’t do anything of the sort and don’t ever ask me to again.’
‘So you’re not denying it.’ She was triumphant.
I swerved into a lay-by and twisted to face her. ‘If you think my working with Julia is going to be a problem for you, if she’s going to become the next woman you start to obsess over and develop some strange girl-crush on, it would be helpful for me to know.’
‘I don’t develop “girl-crushes”. I just know what you’re like, that you’re capable of having your head turned,’ her voice was trembling, ‘because I turned it once. But I think it’s more than th
at this time. I think you’ve actually fallen for her.’
I stared at my wife. ‘She’s a senior colleague that I’ve barely known a week. How could I be in love with someone I’ve known for that little time?’
‘I saw the look on your face at dinner when you were talking about Ben having a crush on their daughter. You were staring right at Julia. You were subconsciously telling her you have feelings for her. You think I don’t know you! That I don’t see!’ She started to weep.
‘You know nothing.’ I was suddenly so angry I could barely get the words out. ‘You’re just pissed. Has something else happened that you’re not telling me? Is that why you’re behaving like this? Have you had another row with your mother?’
‘No! Of course not! Because it’s never you, is it, Nathan? Nothing could ever be your fault? You—’
‘I think we should just get home, go to bed and in the morning I’ll go and pick up Ben and take him to hockey.’ I cut across her. ‘You can sleep in and have the whole day to yourself if you like. I’ll even see if I can book you a massage. How about that?’ I pulled back onto the road and put my foot down.
‘A massage… lucky me. You still haven’t said you don’t love her.’
‘I don’t fucking love her!’ I roared.
Storm winced and closed her eyes.
‘The kind of fairy tale shit you’re talking about – love at first sight, eyes across a crowded room – it doesn’t exist! That’s attraction, not love and it doesn’t last!’
‘Well, maybe that’s for the best,’ her voice trembled. ‘Because I can tell you she doesn’t feel the same way about you! She loves her husband. Any fool could tell you that.’
I concentrated very hard on the white lines and cat’s eyes running up the centre of the road. I would not dignify that with a response.
‘Do you love me, Nate?’
I shook my head. ‘Not right now, if I’m honest.’ Friday nights used to mean the pub, laughter, catching someone’s eye, uncomplicated sex in some pretty girl’s flat. I hadn’t known I was born.
Storm sniffed and turned away from me.