by Lucy Dawson
‘What’s all set?’ Tan said quickly.
‘Nothing!’ Hamish grinned at me, leant back in his chair and happily patted his tummy. ‘I must get rid of this. It’s not attractive.’
He waited for me to disagree and tell him it wasn’t that bad, but I didn’t because it’s an inescapable truth. He’s much too fat. If you were marooned on a boat in the middle of an ocean with Hamish and were forced to kill and eat him to survive, you’d do very nicely indeed. I crossed the room and sat down at my desk. Julia would come, she’d do it for Alex, I was almost certain of it.
‘What’s all set?’ Tan asked again. He was worried. ‘Something involving Julia? What are you going to do to her?’
‘Nothing,’ I lied. ‘Nothing at all.’
Thirteen
Julia
I crossed the room to get my pjs from the drawer. ‘We’ve been invited to a camping and rugby weekend on Friday night.’
Ewan put his book down on the duvet and waited to hear more.
‘The blokes in my department are going with their families. They’ve all got sons similar ages to Al – but there are some girls that Cass might like to meet. I was telling them about Al struggling and needing to make some friends.’ I sat down on the bed. ‘We’d be staying in a caravan.’
‘I know Dom messing around has set Al back,’ Ewan reached for his water and took a sip, ‘but he’ll make some friends eventually. You can’t do it for him. Plus…’ Ewan gestured around at the large boxes still stacked in the room, ‘we could blitz a lot this weekend if we stay here.’
‘I’ve done the kids’ rooms and the essentials,’ I reminded him, taking my top off. ‘We could just throw everything else away.’ I was only half joking about that. I didn’t want to have to go through all of the crap from the old house. ‘I like having less clutter.’
‘Clutter is one thing – it looks clinical at the moment. I want to put some pictures up, make it look like we’re actually staying.’
I sighed. ‘I don’t want to go on a rugby weekend for me. I just thought—’
‘…if you want Al to do more exercise to let off some steam, I can sort that out.’ Ewan picked up his book. ‘Unless it’s important we spend some time with your new work lot, I vote we have the weekend at home.’
We swung open the caravan door and stepped in. At the far end was a Formica table with four stools, a built-in L-shape bench sofa topped with brown, rigid cushions and thin tartan curtains at the window. A large, flat-screen TV dominated the small space. ‘Well, it’s nice and warm!’ I said cheerfully, putting the bag down in the middle of the floor.
Cass wrinkled her nose. ‘Where am I sleeping?’
‘There’s a twin room for you and Alex to share.’
She stalked off to have a look. ‘Is this a joke?’ I heard her call, and breathing out deeply, I went to find her. She was staring at two short, very close together beds. One was covered in a blue nylon bedspread that looked like it was poised to give some cracking electric shocks the second it was touched, the other was smothered in a Disney duvet, complete with Belle, Snow White and Cinderella. She looked at me challengingly, eyebrows raised.
‘It’s for one night. That’s all.’
She snorted in disgust and pushed past me.
‘The bathroom is a cupboard,’ she announced as I followed. ‘I’ll be able to wee and wash my hands in the sink at the same time.’ She turned on the tap and an apologetic dribble coursed down the plug. She sniffed and shut it off quickly. ‘Urgh! Eggy. That’s disgusting.’
‘This is small.’ Alex appeared behind us.
‘Yeah, I know, so can we not all cram into the tiniest part of it?’ Cass snapped. ‘It stinks and I’m starting to feel claustrophobic.’
‘Ewan’s talking to Ben’s dad,’ Alex announced. ‘They’re outside. Do we want to go and have food at some pub called The Pilchard or something? Ewan says we’ve got hot dogs and to check with you first?’
‘I don’t want to go to a pub. I’d rather stay here,’ Cass said contrarily. ‘Please, Julia, tell them we’ll see them later. Ben just stares at me.’ She shuddered. ‘It’s gross. He’s gross.’
‘Can I go with them?’ Alex said suddenly.
I was taken aback. Alex had never asked to do something like this before – but wasn’t it exactly the reason we’d come, so he’d mix with people, start making friends? ‘You really don’t want to go, Cass?’
She shook her head and pulled her jumper sleeves down over her hands, before crossing her arms defensively.
‘OK, Al, if Ben’s dad doesn’t mind taking you.’ I smiled. Nathan would look after him. ‘Ask Ewan to give you some money for your meal.’
Alex brightened immediately and disappeared.
‘And take a coat?’ I called, but there was no response.
I went back into the main area of the caravan and sighed as I watched Alex through the window, walking off down the lit-up path between Ben and Nathan in just his hoodie. Nathan had his hand resting on my son’s back as they walked, and Alex was already chatting away animatedly while Ben trailed slightly behind them.
Ewan appeared and followed my gaze.
‘He’ll freeze,’ I said.
‘He’ll be all right – the pub’s not far away, well within walking distance. Nathan said to go and meet them at someone’s house when they get back at nine p.m. Hamish. He’s the other one you share your office with, isn’t he? Apparently, it’s right on the beach.’
I was confused. ‘They’re not in the caravan park too?’
‘I don’t think so?’ Ewan held up his phone. ‘I’ve been given the address. It’s very easy to find, apparently. A little white stone cottage, a hundred yards from the beach. Sounds lovely.’ He looked around dubiously. ‘As I’m sure this will be.’ He sniffed. ‘What’s that smell?’
‘The drains, I think. It’ll be fine. Let’s go and make the hot dogs, shall we?’
We could hear laughing and chatter as we approached the front door. Feeling shy, I knocked, but it pushed open – not properly on the latch – straight into the open-plan downstairs space, where everyone was congregated. Tan had his arm around a very pretty woman, and two more couples I didn’t recognise were sitting at a kitchen table chatting, while a dozen children were spilt over squashy sofas watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Ben looked up and flushed violently as Cass crossed the room and perched on the edge. Al didn’t notice us at all.
Tan kindly stood up in welcome, but Nathan bounded down the stairs holding a beer and reached us first.
‘You’ve made it! How were the hot dogs?’ He came across, offering Ewan his hand, before leaning in and briefly kissing me on either cheek. He smelt different today – a sharp, breezy lime mixed with a peppery warmth I couldn’t put my finger on – he must have a bewildering array of aftershaves. ‘I’ll introduce you to everyone. Julia, you need to meet Tan’s wife, Trishna – she’s lovely. What can I get you both to drink? We’ve got practically everything open, so tell me what you’d like.’
I scratched my arm. It was always a bit awkward seeing colleagues socially like this, kissing them hello when you’d never do that on Monday morning at work. ‘Just a white wine, please.’ I looked at the bottles on the side – there was a lot of booze for a kids’ rugby weekend. Unless it was just the front for what was actually a jolly for the parents. ‘Thanks so much for taking Al to the pub; that was kind of you. Was everything OK?’
‘He was no problem at all. We had a great old chat over burger and chips about drawing – and sloths. He knows a lot about them, doesn’t he?’
‘He knows a lot about most animals,’ said Ewan. ‘Art, animals, Star Wars, photography and Fortnite. Those are Alex’s big loves.’
Nathan nodded gravely. ‘Yes, we covered Fortnite in some considerable depth too, but it was a genuinely interesting chat. Normally, I’m lucky if I get a single word out of Ben. Now – beer, Ewan? Wine, Whisky?’
Ewan hesitated. ‘I’ll grab a whisky if it’
s open? Thank you. I feel bad we’ve turned up empty-handed.’
‘Don’t,’ said Nathan, dismissively. ‘There’s far too much here as it is. Hamish always goes rogue on weekends like this – he’s never quite stopped being the naughty kid who swipes the contents of his parent’s booze cupboard, shoves it in the back of the car and roars off to the party. This cottage is his big sister’s. Personally, I think she’s mad to let him anywhere near it.’
I looked around me. ‘It’s very nice.’ With its white walls, bleached beams, driftwood cupboard doors, butler’s sink and blue stripy curtains it had definitely received the cottage-by-the-sea brief and stuck to it faithfully. ‘She rents it out, I take it?’
Nathan nodded. ‘She’s one of those irritating people who started flipping properties and building a proper portfolio back in the early nineties. When we were all getting pissed at the Roundhouse, she was snapping up fisherman cottages in Salcombe for a song. We all laughed at her. Ha ha us.’ He took a swig of his beer. ‘She’s got something like about thirty places now, from little ones like this to actual hotels. Hamish’s parents own a pretty chunky amount of property too. Student houses, offices – in fact, my private practice is in a building owned by the Wilsons. Hamish just ponces around whichever holiday home or hotel room is vacant at the time.’
‘You and Hamish go back a long way then?’ Ewan said. ‘He’s in both of your department, right?’
‘Yes, we were at medical school together,’ Nathan confirmed as we moved slowly towards the table. ‘When he comes out of the loo, I’ll introduce you. His family are all around here, so he was always coming back to the South West. I followed him, hoping to be adopted into the fold and it worked. They had any number of spare rooms going begging and, as you know, my folks were – and are – in the States. The location of this one is stunning though, you’ll see in the morning when it’s light; sparkling sea for miles. There are some amazing runs along the shoreline, Ewan, if you’ve brought your trainers. I’m going first thing tomorrow morning – want to come along?’
‘Thanks, but it’s never done much for me, I’m afraid,’ Ewan said. ‘I’m more of a swimmer and a footballer. Julia is the runner in our relationship.’
Nathan turned to me and grinned. ‘Well, you’d be very welcome tomorrow too… if you think you can keep up?’
Nathan was right. It was glorious along the coast. The tide was right out and the damp sand – striated with silver slivers of water running down to the sea as they caught the light – was far more forgiving on my joints than pounding pavements. Reaching the path again, I stopped, exhausted, breathing heavily in the cold morning air, and dropped my hands to my knees as I stared out at the horizon line. Clouds were starting to blow in.
‘Morning!’ said a voice behind me and I turned to see the man himself; unlike me, fresh as a daisy in pristine gym gear.
‘What time do you call this?’ I teased. ‘I’m done already!’
Nathan looked impressed. ‘Wow – what time did you start?’
‘Only three quarters of an hour ago. I was out here for sunrise.’ I straightened up and wiped my brow. ‘Sorry, that sounds insufferably smug. But yes, I’m finished – so at least you won’t need to worry about me “keeping up”.’
He laughed. ‘I knew that would bug you and that you’d have to come down this morning – if just to prove me wrong.’
I flashed him a grin. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about – if I had wanted to make a point of showing you up, I’d have arranged a specific time to run with you, but I’m not that unkind.’
‘Thanks. Big of you to let me off the hook.’
‘You’re welcome. On a serious note, Alex had fun last night. Thank you for inviting us here.’ I picked up my left heel to stretch my quads, wobbled and instinctively put out a hand, which he caught.
‘Steady!’
‘Sorry.’ I let go of him. ‘I probably just need something to eat, that’s all.’ I put my foot down, pulled my sweaty hair from its band, shook it out and then picked up the other leg.
He glanced sideways at me. ‘Do you ever wear make-up?’
I laughed out loud and wobbled again. ‘Excuse me?’
‘I don’t mean that as a bad thing!’ he said quickly. ‘You just don’t seem to be into “artifice” for want of a better word. You’re very straightforward – happy in your own skin. That’s what I mean.’
‘Well, I’m not going to put on full slap and have it drip off my face into a patient during surgery, am I?’ I pointed out. ‘And I don’t tend to wear make-up when I go for a run either.’ I put my leg down and turned towards him. ‘Are you saying I need to wear make-up?’ I teased. ‘Thanks very much!’
He hesitated, looking at me – then to my surprise, he turned and started to walk away. Bewildered, I wondered what I’d said to offend him, but just as I was about to call after him to stop so I could apologise, he suddenly came back.
‘I’m saying I spend a lot of time with women trying to change the way they look and I think you’re beautiful. You’re perfect,’ he said simply, leant forward and kissed me. Instinctively, I closed my eyes, for less than a second I even kissed back – it was a physical response – but then my mind caught up. I placed my hands on his arms, pushing him back.
‘What are you doing?’ I gasped, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. ‘I’m married! We’re both married!’
He looked as stunned as I felt. He just stared at me in silence before blurting, ‘I’ve fallen in love with you!’
I instantly heard Eleni’s voice in my head. He has an agenda.
‘What are you talking about?’ I exclaimed. ‘I’ve been at the hospital for three weeks! That’s nothing!’
‘I know.’ He put his hands on his head. ‘I know! I’ve been telling myself the same thing! But now I’ve kissed you, I’m sure of how I feel. I think I’ve loved you pretty much from the moment you shook my hand outside the school in those ridiculous wellingtons on that baking hot afternoon.’ He laughed and stepped forward eagerly, taking my hand in his. I was so shocked by the words I was hearing, I just stood there like a fool.
‘The more I learn more about you, the more I realise you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You’re kind, you’re passionate, you simply say how you feel – there are no games. You’re everything.’ He reached out with his other hand and ran the back of his fingers down the side of my face in apparent wonder.
It made me shiver and I stumbled back away from him.
‘I’m married,’ I repeated.
‘I can’t help how I feel.’ He put his hands together in a praying position and rested them on his lips, as if he couldn’t believe the words falling from them. ‘Someone like you could save someone like me.’
‘No, don’t do this.’ I shook my head, finding my feet on the sand again. ‘Don’t feed me crap lines. We work together, Nathan. I’ve just started here after a really, really difficult time in my professional life – and you know my personal life is complicated at the moment too. I don’t want drama and I don’t want awkwardness. I’ve enjoyed being part of a team again, feeling like we were friends as well as colleagues. I thought you understood that?’
‘I do. Of course I do! But I want to make things better for you. I want to… protect you and Alex.’
‘Protect us?’ I was confused. ‘You mean when you dealt with Dom? That was kind of you, but I don’t need a—’
‘Come away with me,’ he said suddenly, before I could finish. ‘Just for a night somewhere. Somewhere where we can talk!’
‘What?’ I wrapped my arms around myself instinctively and stared at him for a moment. I simply couldn’t make any sense of what he was saying. ‘You want me to spend the night with you somewhere?’
‘Yes!’ he said eagerly. ‘Not like that – just some time together.’
I laughed in disbelief. ‘You’re joking, right? This is just you messing around?’
‘No.’ He shook his head emphatically. ‘
I’m serious. I didn’t think I was, but I am and – you’re incredible.’
I’m not saying he can’t be very attentive to those round him. Again, Eleni’s warning resounded in my head. So she was right. This was what he did, how he worked. What was it he really wanted from me?
The wind gusted suddenly. I turned my head away from the sharp sand lifting into the air, waited for it to pass and when I looked back at him, my voice was cold. ‘I really am too old for this routine, Nathan. Did you think I’d fall swooning into your arms, we’d go “somewhere for the night”, you’d have your wicked way with me, then by morning I’d have fallen desperately in love with you too?’
He frowned. ‘I didn’t think anything. I’ve only just realised this myself. All I know is I want to be with you.’
‘Do women you can’t have do it for you? Is that it? Or is this a needing to dominate women you work with thing?’ I asked. ‘I’m genuinely interested. Like Storm said: is it because you feel you’re the underachiever – so you’ve always got to be top dog?’
‘What? Of course not! I told you, I wasn’t looking for this! I’ve never felt this way about anyone.’
‘Not your first or your current wife?’ I shielded my face as another gust of wind attempted to blow more sand in my eyes. ‘I’m sure they’d be delighted to hear that. I’ll say it again. You don’t love me. True love develops quietly over time; it’s not showy gestures and overused words. I’m really insulted that you think I’m naïve enough to believe otherwise. I thought we were friends.’
‘Why are you so angry with me?’ He took another step closer. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Because you’ve broken it!’ I shouted. ‘I just told you – I felt like we were all getting on really well and now that’s gone! Now it’s going to be weird and uncomfortable at work – all thanks to you. Just… don’t talk to me about this ever again, OK? I want you to pretend you never said this to me. If you really “love” me’ – I met his gaze furiously – ‘that’s what you can do.’