by HMD
“I can’t even fathom the emotional overload I would have if I ever did that. I can practice here maybe,” She chuckles at her corny joke and I smile softly at her. I don’t remember smiling this much in a long time, at least not smiling without forcing it. “So how did you find out about this place?”
I look down for a second and turn in my seat a little to point to a corner booth. “George, McKenzie and I used to come here every morning before going to school once George got his license. We felt so grown up grabbing coffee before class. George couldn’t stand the taste of coffee though and always ended up getting hot chocolate.”
I see the three of us collapsing into seats that are already occupied by customers that are physically here but the memory is too real to recognize their existence. I only see the three of us as I reminisce and retell Grace the memories of my friends that I haven’t had the strength to retell myself.
“McKenzie would always make fun of him for that. He’d get so mad though. She always ordered the most obnoxious drink and get mad if the barista messed it up. It got to the point where she had a designated barista because everyone else was too scared of her,” I laugh and I can see Grace smiling in the corner of my eye. “She’d order a large mocha coffee with no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skim, half full milk. No I don't want 2% milk, just a mixture of the both. And raspberry syrup, mix with the milk, then the coffee.”
I recite the order the way McKenzie would and I picture the way she moans after taking her first sip. Grace’s moans don’t sound like McKenzie’s but the feeling I get when I hear them feel familiar but different at the same time. That makes no sense.
I sigh as I force myself to swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I turn back to fully face Grace and she’s looking at me in the same way she’s always looking at me. Like someone that wants to get to know me and not just about how I’m doing for the time being. I wipe away a small tear that tries to become something more.
“Thanks for sharing that with me,” She says sweetly.
“It’s not a big deal,” I answer and before I can even contradict myself she does it for me.
“Yeah…it is.”
We sit silently for a minute and despite the emotional mood shift I feel comfortable. I look at the time and notice the crowd dying down a bit.
“Don’t you have class or something?” I try my best to ask the question in least abrasive way because I am enjoying her company. I’m just curious as to how she’s able to do nothing with me.
“I graduated school a semester early, and I’m just taking some time to write.”
“Plus you wouldn’t be able to stalk me with a full course load.”
She lifts her hand up as if she just remembered the most important detail. “Exactly,” she smiles, “now you get it.”
“How are you not sleeping in all the time though? I try and Ty always manages to wake me up.”
We share a quick chuckle at the antics of my younger sibling and finish my drink as she answers.
“I’m always up early, I go and sit at my spot every morning at dawn and watch the sunrise. James and I used to always catch the best waves in the morning. We’d wake up before our parents and head to the beach, wetsuits half on, flip flops smacking against our feet as we ran to beat the sun so we can surf into the orange that hits the blue. So yeah I was already up.”
I’m not entirely sure if she only shared that with me because I shared my coffee shop story but I’m happy that she’s giving and not just pushing to know everything at one time. I think that’s why I’m so comfortable. She’s not forcing me to be or do anything when she wants it. I’m appreciative of that.
“So have you found your spot yet?” She asks in the most carefree way, like she just asked for the time. I don’t hyperventilate at the question though like I expect I would. I just shake my head no.
“I really haven’t thought about it. I do want to look though.”
“Well I can reschedule my stalking for today and help if you want me to.”
I think for a moment and realize I have nothing to do all day anyway. Just pick Ty up from school later on in the afternoon.
I also don’t know if I can go home yet. I’m not sure I can face my mother after learning what I learned this morning. I want to be strong for her and let her know I’m okay but I don’t want to pretend that I am. She needs me not to pretend anymore. So I make the choice to go find my spot with Grace in hopes that it will create some form of closure, for me and for my family.
“Yeah, let’s do it!” I answer a lot more enthusiastically than I thought I would. It catches both me and Grace off guard.
She smiles brightly at me and eats the last of her brownie. “Let’s go.”
I easily follow her out of the coffee shop and head into the day with a perspective that I haven’t had in a long time. Before I fully exit the shop though I look back at our booth and smile softly. I’m feeling something I can’t fully explain. I’m not happy or sad but it’s something I haven’t felt in a long time. I think I’m… content, content with being here and everything being so simple when it comes to Grace.
Chapter 7 – A Place to Call Home
"So where do we start?" Grace asks me once she hops into the front seat of my car.
We decided to take mine instead of hers because it'd be easier for me to drive through old streets than give directions on where McKenzie, George and I used to hang out. I go to start up the car and my hand hangs onto the keys as I realize that I have not one clue on where to start this hunt.
"I don't know,” I say in defeat.
The brand new perspective I left the coffee shop with only moments before has now left me. It came quick and left even faster.
I fall back against my seat and feel sadness start to make its decent from my head down to my heart and before it can go any further I notice Grace's hand as it rests on my leg, showing me full support and I feel myself freeze under her touch. Um...what is this? I look at her and her eyes are bright and hopeful and the internal panic that I am clearly undergoing has no effect on her whatsoever.
"Em, it's okay. It took me a while to find my spot with James even if we did go there pretty much every single day. I had to follow a routine he and I would do every morning just to realize something I always knew. So how about we do that?"
I feel weak. Like a small child, helpless, on their first day of school. I look at her bashfully and mumble out an 'okay'.
Who is this person?! I was being shy and pathetic and really sad. Not in that 'I feel sorry for this person' kind of way, but like a 'grow a pair' kind of way. I do not like it one bit but when it comes to this part of my life I feel like I need to be led by the hand to do anything. Grace is holding out hers for me to grab, dare I take it?
I sigh, scratching my forehead and I taking my lip between my teeth, nodding in response because right now I can't speak. I'm feeling...I don't know.
There I go again, not knowing a damn thing. All I know is that I want my best friends to make sense of this for me, because nothing makes sense. I want them back and I'm going on a search to find a piece of them, a piece of me that left when they did. I exhale like I'm about to take a giant leap into something I'm not ready for. Maybe I am, maybe I need to. McKenzie would tell me to go for it. George would tell me that annoying acronym 'yolo'.
"Yolo Em, yolo,” He'd say it exactly like that. His voice rings in my head. I hated when he said that because he should still be here. He didn't realize how true that statement was...is. As exasperating as it is.
I'm not entirely sure how much time has passed since I got in the car and I don't think Grace is keeping track. Her hand is still on my leg and she's still looking at me supportively. I'm growing to really appreciate the way she looks at me. She's the only one that doesn't look at me the way that I feel…like I'm broken. She looks at me like there's still hope, like there is still life in me.
I turn my car on and Grace pulls her hand away and sits back into the ch
air. I look at her briefly and put the car in drive.
"Where's our first stop?"
"School,” I say, choosing to follow the routine I started without realizing. I started a regular school day with my friends, first at the coffee shop and then we went to school.
"Cool,” Is all Grace says as she lets her arm dangle out of the window that she just rolled down. "Onward,” I snort out a laugh and she joins in freely.
It only takes about twenty minutes before I'm in front of my high school. I park the car in front and sit back in my seat.
"Do you want to go inside?"
I look at the building hoping that would help with my decision. I haven't stepped foot in those halls since before the accident. I didn't even go to graduation. I didn't see the point. If I couldn't reach a milestone with the people I grew up with then it wasn't worth it. Two months left in school but I couldn't take it, so I left school early, got my GED in the mail and off to the army I went.
I exhale deeply and shake my head no.
"Alright that's fine. This day doesn't have to be overwhelming,” She tells me and I drop my shoulders in relief. She gets it... of course she does. She's gone through this herself and I forget that a lot of the time.
"Thank you,” I tell her with much appreciation and she just nods knowingly.
"So you go to the coffee house, and then head to school, then..."
I just shrug and run my hand through my hair. I'm growing frustrated really quickly and I don't want to do this anymore. I think Grace can sense that as well because she places her hand on my shoulder this time.
"We can just call it quits. We don't have to do this today. It'll help but only when you're ready." I'm ready I just don't want to have to go through all the heartache of remembering everything in order to get there.
I've spent all this time running from it and now I've got to go through it all to find an inkling of peace. I don't know when I got so lazy. I'm used to my ass being whooped into shape in some way. It's always been physical I guess now it's time for an emotional ass whooping. I'm not doing any favors to McKenzie or George by forgetting who they were; forgetting who I was with them. I try my best to shake the coward off of me and start thinking of all the places I ever went with them on a regular basis.
"We were normal teenagers I suppose. We did the normal things, mall, hanging at the beach, hanging at each other’s houses. Randomly ended up places we never planned on ending up."
I look at Grace and she's wearing her smile that I'm growing quite fond of. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth to fight off the effects of her contagious smile. I just shrug as I wrack my brain for a spot that means more than I ever thought it would.
"What's one place you guys found and it felt like yours even if it may have been visited by other people. A place that you guys went just because it made you feel like you were the only people on the earth."
The more she describes the place the clearer it becomes for me. I smile and start the car back up. She doesn't ask where we're going. She can see the determination in my eyes as I drive through the traffic. A little excited to go to a place I haven't been to in so long. I pull into a spot in the parking lot of Skofield Park and Grace looks around the area with curiosity.
"I know it doesn't look--” She cuts me off with a look that's telling me to stop talking nonsense.
"I'm just happy you're allowing me to go on this journey with you."
"I'm happy you're doing this with me,” I reveal and her breath hitches a bit. I'm just as surprised as she is with how straightforward I've been.
We share the moment for a few more seconds until I remember why I'm here. We break eye contact and get out of the car.
I inhale with enthusiasm and take a familiar step forward. Even though I haven't been here in years walking to our spot feels as if I only left it yesterday. Grace is kind enough to stay several feet behind, allowing her presence to be comforting opposed to overwhelming. I can't help but marvel at this person that collided into my life. I imagine a group of twelve year olds ahead of me.
A lanky boy with curly brown hair on the left, a shorter brunette in the middle with a straight ponytail, and a sassy girl to the right of her with wild light brown hair, I breathe out a laugh as I watch them race the trail ahead of me.
The little Latina pushes the lanky boy and he whines petulantly while the small brunette laughs along with her friend.
The boy threatens to give the girls noogies and chases after them. I turn down off the beaten path and duck under low branches.
The group grows in front of my eyes as all three of them are more filled out. Whether it is muscles, chests, or backsides, it's clear that they are older. They're sixteen this time and the teenage boy is talking about a party as the sounds of water become more distinct.
I reach our spot and the group disappears. Everyone except for one, I see a younger me turn to look at now me and smile genuinely.
I look around and close my eyes. The light filters in through the leaves from the trees above. The creek flows smoothly as waves of water cascades down from one boulder to another. I take a spot on my usual boulder. I take off my shoes and let my legs hang off my rock as the water glides under my feet. I lean back against my palms and lift my face towards the sky. I hear them, their laughs, their taunting.
I remember old conversations. Conversations that consisted confessions of sexual experiences, our fears, our dreams, our plans, where we would go from here. Things that they'll never get to experience and tears start to roll down from my eyes. I don't try to stop them because this is our place. We never held anything back from each other here and I'm not going to start now.
I pull my legs from the water, towards my chest as I cry into my knees. My cries turn into sobs and I know I'm loud, but I can't care because here I need to cry. Here I know they know how sorry I am. Here I take the first step I need to make in order to let go of all the bad and remember good. Here I say a proper goodbye and turn it into a see you later.
"I miss you guys so much. I'm sorry you aren't here. If there was anything I could do to bring you back I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize where I could find you. Nothing is the same without you. I'm not the same without you,” I drop my forehead against my knees. The rest of my tears are accompanied with some sniffles. I keep my eyes closed, felling the pain of a slight headache from all the crying. I inhale deeply before I slowly rock myself back and forth.
I lose myself in my memories that the creek brings back to me. I feel warm and the guilt I always feel is nonexistent in our spot.
It's like I can hear McKenzie telling me to suck it up and feel George supportively rub my back.
The imagined feeling turns real as I feel a smaller hand on my shoulders. I look up and Grace's smiling down at me. I return the smile and she's looking a little shy. I'm remembering the Grace the first day we met. It feels so long ago since she came into my life and she's easily-quickly-became someone I can't imagine it without.
"I'm sorry to bother you, I just grabbed you water. I figured you'd be dehydrated from all the," She clears her throat leaving the assumption in the air. I'm not catching on and she clarifies, "crying."
"I do have a headache.” I confess and grab the water bottle from her. I look at it, curious where she got it from.
"The snack bar near the parking lot," She answers before I can even ask and she giggles knowing that my confusion turns into horror because she can read my mind. She rolls her eyes, clearly knowing the internal monologue that is going on right now. "When I figured out my spot I was there for six hours straight crying, I even fell asleep a few times. When I finally got home I ate and drank as if I'd never had food and water before."
"Wow six hours?"
She just nods and sighs. I know she's thinking about James, so I sit in silence with her showing respect to him as well. I didn't know him, but knowing his sister I consider myself lucky and imagine how great he must've been.
"Yeah it
's easy to lose track. You've been here for a little over two."
My eyes shoot open in surprise and she giggles. I push myself up and lose my balance.
She catches me and helps me up. She's very close and I breathe her in by accident. I shut my eyes and let her consume my senses.
"I guess I'm more tired than I realized."
"Yeah,” She breathes out as her eyes scan my face. We take a step away from each, blushing slightly. "I'm not rushing you or anything I'm fine writing. I found my way back to the car I can just..."
"No, its fine, you've done so much for me I don't want you just waiting around too."
"I'd wait any amount of time for you,” She answers smoothly and my stomach flips. She's looking at me with a charming smile and I just nibble on my bottom lip.
"I'll try my best to not make you wait much longer,” I answer that with a subtext that I wasn't aware I was trying to make. She just winks at me and points back in the direction she came from. I watch as she leaves and I turn to face the creek again. "She's the reason I'm here,” I tell my friends as I drop my feet back into the water. "I wouldn't have this... have you again if it weren't for her,” I smile as I think of the blonde haired girl whose enthusiasm and amazing view on life has brought me such a wonderful gift. As I sit and listen to the water splash against the rocks, reminiscing on old times with my friends I hear the breaking of sticks behind me and it pulls me from my memories.
"Emma,” Grace's soft voice echoes in my ear. I smile, standing up from the creek to turn and look at her. "I'm not sure if you've got something to do or not. I'm okay staying here all day I just didn't know if you had any-"
"Oh my God!" I gasp as I look down at my watch.
"I'm guessing you had-"
"Tyler!" I interrupt her again. "I was supposed to pick him up from school,” I slide back into my shoes in a hurried fashion as both Grace and I make our way through the woods to the parking lot. "Ugh! I can't believe I forgot about him."
"How late are you?" Grace questions as we reach the parking lot.