by HMD
“Ah!” I scream as my mother stares at me. She’s standing in front of the door giving me this creepy look. “When did you… how did you even…where did you come from?!” I settle on.
“Were you trying to sneak out without talking to me about your lunch date with Grace?” She asks, quirking a brow.
I choke out a laugh, shaking my head. “No,” I fiddle with my keys, avoiding her gaze. “But could you be any creepier right now?” I mirror her face.
“Don’t try to change the subject,” She gives me a stern face.
“I wasn’t aware that we’d started a conversation about anything in particular,” I shake my head and shrug, pursing my lips.
“Is something serious happening between the two of you Emma, is there something I—”
“No mom,” I cut her off, side stepping her to get to the door. “I’ll see you later,” I kiss her on the cheek before heading out the door.
--
I pull up to Grace’s house where she’s waiting outside for me. “Hey,” She smiles as she climbs into my car.
“Hey,” I return a smile. I don’t know what it is about this girl but every time I see her I feel… freer; lighter. Like everything that has weighed me down in the past isn’t really doing that anymore.
There’s no guilt or feelings of regret. With her I’m just… me.
“So where are we going?” She asks, buckling her seat belt.
“Another one of my favorite spots,” I say as I put the car in drive.
--
“This place is cool,” Grace smiles as she looks around the restaurant Eureka! Burger. It’s one of my favorite places to eat.
“McKenzie, George and I used to come here all the time,” I smile as I watch a group of teenagers occupy the booth in the back that we used to sit in. We came here most of the time during lunch break and pretty much every day after school, just for the milkshakes.
The mention of McKenzie reminds me why I asked Grace here. I watch as the blonde across from takes in her surroundings, she’s cute.
“Thanks for introducing me to all these great places.”
I shrug nonchalantly. Truthfully if it were anyone else I might steer clear from any place that would give me the slightest remembrance of my friends. With her though I don’t mind, and sharing the experience is even better than I always imagined it to be. She smiles and takes a sip of her drink. I’ve quickly gotten used to her enjoyment of food and have practiced to be as appreciative of it as she is.
“So what did you want to talk about?” She asks once she’s done, setting her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her clasped hands. Straight to business with this one I see. I scratch my eyebrow as I think about how to start this conversation.
“Well remember the other day when you found me hiding behind the Lara Croft cut out,” She breathes out a little laugh and fights her smile. I know she’s trying to be serious for me but the situation was pretty ridiculous now that I think about it. “Yeah so I was hiding from McKenzie’s mom,” Grace nods once as she takes in the bit of information. I take her silence as an opportunity to explain further. “So she didn’t know I was in town. I’ve been meaning to go see her but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’ve just been avoiding this and now it’s caught up with me.”
“How do you mean?”
She leans back in her chair and rests her arms on either armrest. The way her hair is falling over her shoulders adds to her beauty. As I take her in, I have to will myself not to stare for too long. I see her cheeks rise slightly as she smiles at obvious interest. I shake myself out of it and come back to the conversation.
“Well my mom didn’t know I hadn’t gone to see either of my friend’s parents and she bumped into McKenzie’s mom…”
She cuts me off with a long ‘oh’ as she pieces the rest together. I lick my lips subconsciously as she leans forward again and the neck of her shirt drops a little. Emma focus!
“Well I mean it sucks that she had to find out that way but you lost someone too. You have to face certain things on your own time.”
“Yeah I get that, but given the situation I shouldn’t stay away much longer.”
“Right,” She agrees. “So when do you plan on seeing her?”
“Today.”
Her eyes shoot open in shock at my response. I really don’t think staying away longer will be helpful. It’s a rip off the Band-Aid situation this week. It just sucks all the Band-Aids are on the same giant wound.
“Wow, okay. Do you…you know, want me to come with you?”
“You don’t have…”
She places a gentle hand on the one that I have lying lazily on the table. I look down and feel the warmth that is Grace in the soft touch. I flip my hand over and we connect hands. I look her in the eyes.
“Do you want me to?” She stresses 'want' and I didn’t even expect the desire of her presence to be there but once she offered it was definitely something that I wanted.
“Please.”
She nods once and squeezes my hand. “Okay,” she says and I know that she won’t be an overwhelming presence.
She always seems to know what to do without really thinking about it.
Her attentiveness is second nature and she’s always tending to me I question what it is I do for her.
“So do you know what you’re going to say?”
“Haven’t the slightest. What do you say to a parent that loses their child?”
I see her glance away for a second and I think I made her think of her own parents. I hope that I didn’t make her feel some type of way just now. That’s the last thing I want to do is associate anything negative when it comes to our relationship…relationship?
“Well my parents…it’s hard. I honestly don’t even know. Each parent handles it differently. My mom cried for what felt like months. I’m not entirely sure I was in a state myself where I could recognize time. We each went to counseling as a family and separately, but once we slowly came to terms with it we started communicating again. The key is stop trying to act normal when the old normal is gone. You have to transform with the new and know that it’s okay to talk about the person you lost. It’s even better to listen when the other person wants to talk about them.”
I look at her as she explains and she blushes a little. “You’re amazing.”
She bites her bottom lip and mumbles out a thank you.
We are interrupted by the arrival of our food and once our plates are placed in front of us we get back to each other. Having heard the advice that she’s given me I’m ready to move forward and enjoy my time with her.
After lunch we took a small walk around the shopping center it’s located in. To Grace it was a casual walk but I was really trying to prod her interest as we passed stores so I could see what a good gift for her would be. It helped a little as I narrowed down my decisions on what to buy her.
Now we are sitting a block away from McKenzie’s house in my car and I’m gripping my steering wheel trying to slow my heart rate down.
I have to calm down because I know McKenzie is with me and so is Grace.
“You can do this Em. I’ll be in the car the whole time if you need me.”
“That’s like human torture or something you can’t sit in the car in this heat you’ll catch heat stroke or something,” I rush out the words in one long sentence not really making sense but she understands because she’s giggling.
“Okay I’ll sit on the hood of the car or something. Or you can just crack the window open for me so I can get some air.”
I snort and realize that her teasing is helping me calm down. I look at her and she smiles cheekily. I just nod and pull away from the curb that I parked by, driving the last block and stopping in front of a house I haven’t been to in years. We both exit the car and Grace just leans against the closed door.
“You sure you’re going to be okay out here? I could always take you home,” I offer and she shakes her head no, pulling a pen and pocket s
ized notebook from her back pocket.
“I’ve got my writing to keep my company. Now go,” She points at the house with the objects in her hand and I slowly make my way up the walkway to the front door.
My hands are shaking as I raise them to knock on the door. I’m not even sure if anyone is home. If no one answers after ten seconds of knocking I’m leaving. I knock softly and count to ten. Nothing. I turn and grab my chest.
“Ah!” What is it with people and doors and scaring me today! She raises her eyebrows and I sigh. I notice her hand reach up and ring the doorbell.
“Nice try,” She says as she makes her way back to the car.
I watch her leave and I'm brought back to the sounds of the door unlocking. I take a deep breath and see an older version of McKenzie, only a few difference in features, open the door.
“Hi.”
Chapter 10- What Hurts the Most
“Hi.” I breathe out, my voice weak but I know she hears me.
I just stand in the doorway staring at the Mrs. Diaz. Her bottom lip is quivering as I scan her face to try and read the situation. The sound of my breath the only thing that echoes through my ears and before I know it I’m pulled into a tight hug.
“Emma! My beautiful girl, it’s so good to have you home.” I smile into her shoulder as I wrap my arms around Maria. We stand there for a long time as she just squeezes tightly. I let her get it out as I try to match the strength of her embrace.
She pats my back and I know she’s done with the first hug. She steps back, letting me go.
“Are you hungry? I can fix you something real, quick. Your favorite?” She asks as we walk further into the house. I look around at the same pictures of McKenzie that I passed by every day when I came to see her and hang out. Her face is everywhere and my heart aches a little. How Maria passes these every day and manages to smile amazes me.
“No thank you,” I reply softly. “I just ate.”
She turns towards me and scans my body. I sigh and grin. I know she’s not going to let up that easily.
“You’re wasting away. They can’t be feeding you well. You’re a growing girl. I’ll fry you up some platanos at least for you to munch on while we talk.”
I press my very full belly and whimper a bit. I mumble out an okay and follow her into the kitchen. She points to a seat at the kitchen table and I silently oblige. I take what used to be my usual seat and scoot it under the table. I look at the empty one next to me and place my hand on the cushion. I run my hand smoothly over the fabric and sigh. It’s McKenzie’s seat. I’m not sure who the last person was to sit in it but to me it will always be hers.
I look at Maria as she digs into the fridge. She’s been in there a long time for someone that’s only making platanos.
“Maria por favor, you don’t have to honestly,” I tell her sweetly and get up from my seat. I swiftly rush to her side and guide her out from the fridge. I place my hand on her lower back and she backs out with a ton of things in her hands. “That’s not only platanos,” I tease and she comes out with all the ingredients necessary to make my favorite dish… pastelon.
I shake my head and look at her. She turns to place everything on the counter. I make sure to move out of the way, she’s on a mission but I wish she weren’t I just want to sit with her and as bad as it sounds get this over with.
“Escuchame,” I say with a light laugh. “I’m not hungry. I came to see you. Now will you come and sit with me and stop fiddling with all this food. I’ll come back another time for dinner.”
I think I said what she needed to hear. I think the food is to keep me here longer in case I don’t come back. I think that if I can get through this, this one time, the next time won’t be so hard. She grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek. I lightly pat her shoulder and escort her towards the table. She sits in the seat that I know to be hers and I take mine. I grab her hands and look her in the eyes.
“I’m sorry I took so long to see you…”
She shakes her head. “Don’t apologize. I know this has been as hard on you as it has on me.”
“I should have come sooner though.”
She shushes me, waving me off. “I’m just glad you came at all,” A small smile appears at her lips. “I’ve really missed you around here. It’s been so quiet without the three of you running up and down the stairs to grab food, or George chasing McKenzie around for something she called him.” We both chuckle at the memory and sigh out of our laughter soon after.
“So how are you?” I ask after a moment. I don’t have to clarify any further than that; she knows exactly what I’m asking.
“I’ve been hanging in there. It’s always hard around this time. Janice, Roy and your mom and dad always stop in and we have dinner or something. Eddy and I probably wouldn’t make it without them.”
Why has my mom never told me about hanging out with the Williams and Diaz's on the anniversary?
“I’m sorry that I—“
“Bastante,” She cuts me off. “No more apologizing. I know that if you could be here you would.”
“I just feel like I should have been around more. I should have made more of an effort to see you and Mr. Diaz.”
“You listen to me, feeling sorry does nothing for any one, because you came to see me you’re already doing so much.”
I don’t mean to but I do. I let my head down and I cry because for one, this isn’t supposed to happen. I’m not supposed to be crying especially not in front of her. I try to pull my hands away from hers, but she grips tighter. She pulls me into a hug and I cry harder. This is the worst. I’m not supposed to be crying in front of a parent who lost their kid. I’m not supposed to be the one needing consoling when I haven’t lost as much as she has.
“I’m so sorry M…” I choke out through the tears. She shushes me.
“I miss her every day but I grieved for my daughter so I can miss her properly instead of blaming everything there could be to blame. That’s not honoring her memory at all. When have you given yourself a chance to grieve?”
She lets me go to look into my tear filled eyes. I don’t know what to say to that.
But the look she is giving me tells me that she knows the answer already.
I’ve been running this whole time so I haven’t given myself a chance to think about it properly, let alone grieve.
I lean back in my seat and she gets up to grab me something to clean up my face. I sniffle and wipe my nose. I shake my head at the situation. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I gather myself together and try to talk without bursting into a fit of tears. She comes back with a damp washcloth and I hold it against my eyes and attempt to control my breathing.
I don’t talk right away. Mostly because I don’t know what to say and even if I did, how exactly do I say it?
There’s just so much I don’t know how to do and I feel like I’m the only one putting pressure on myself to do it. Everyone else is just waiting for me to be and I feel like everything I do is inadequate. I come home but I’m distancing myself. I’m only here for a short while, I come to visit the parent of my friend for it to be some sort of resolve for someone and I end up being the one to break down.
I start something with a person and I don’t even know what it is. It’s not even fair to her especially since she’s been nothing but supportive even though she’s gone through so much herself. I don’t even ever ask her how she’s doing. I’m so wrapped up in how I feel or don’t feel that I completely disregard what everyone else is feeling.
I face McKenzie’s mother and try to not to break under the gaze. I'm not sure what she expected when she saw me but I’m sure this isn’t it. I shift in my seat and she’s just smiling at me. I just breathe out a laugh at how this all turned out.
“It’s good to see you mija.”
I blush lightly at the fact that she just called me her daughter. She has done so before but it’s been a while since I’ve heard her say it. I’ll never replace McKenzie and I know she d
oesn’t expect me to, but I can do the next best thing which is being here.
“You too,” I reply softly and she pats my shoulder.
“So tell me how you’ve been, how’s everything going?”
She’s asking me like Grace asks me and I’m momentarily brought back to the blonde sitting on the hood of my car. I always seem to space when she floats into my mind. I’m usually very well focused but she’s like my defibrillator. Jolting back emotions that I haven’t felt since the person that sat in the seat next to mine was here.
I fall into conversation with her. Talk about all the traveling I've done and how long I’ve been home. I don’t mean to but I end up mentioning Grace. Like I said she’s been on my mind and I can’t really help it.
“So this girl, where is she now?” She asks in a sassy tone but not in a mean way, in a way McKenzie would ask.
I whimper because I don’t even talk to my mom about this stuff, even though it’s a heck of a lot easier to talk to someone other than my mother. I look everywhere that’s not her and I know that she’s waiting. The silence is killing me.
“She outside, waiting,” I say softly. Maria smiles and narrows her eyes at me.
“You like this young lady?” She questions, moving her head, forcing me to meet her gaze.
“I’m not sure,” I shrug. “I think I might,” I sigh, finally getting that off my chest feels good. Although I have only known Grace a few weeks it still feels like something could happen, like something should happen. Things are so easy around Grace. I feel… I feel like I can tell her anything and I know she would get what I’m feeling. She doesn’t poke or prod me for information. She lets me come to things in my own time and she’s been super amazing at just being there when I need her.
“It seems like you may know a little more than you’re allowing yourself to think,” Maria smiles, standing up from the table.
“I’m not gonna be here long,” I shrug as she motions for me to join her in the living room. As we take a seat on the couch I flashback to the many times George, McKenzie and I got in trouble for crawling and jumping on and over it. Maria would yell at us to sit down but we never listened. She’d smile, playfully threatening us before continuing her prior task.