by HMD
"Thank you Tyler, that was really sweet of you to come out here and check on me."
"You'd do the same for me." He answers nonchalantly.
I smile and nod in agreement. I muster up the little bit of strength I have and push us both from off the ground. I keep him in my arms and we both hug each other tightly. I put him down and we walk back hand in hand into the hospital.
We make it back to the waiting room and take my seat back next to Mrs. Daniels. Tyler climbs into my lap and rests his head on my shoulder. I fall into this peace when I realize I have so much of Emma around me. Her little brother and her parents are pieces of her. They don't make up for who she is to me but for right now they'll do until I get her back.
I feel a gentle hand on my thigh and my eyes slowly open. I must've fallen asleep, drained from the myriad of emotions from this day. Mrs. Daniels is looking at me and she turns her head. The doctor is coming. His white coat, green scrubs, and blank look on his face sends me back to that night.
--
"Who is here for James Cassidy?" My parents and my head snap up in unison.
The doctor is finally here to say something. After hours of not knowing anything, I debate if it's better to be ignorant. He has a blank look on his face and in that moment I despise the ability a doctor has to build suspense. Smile, frown, do something instead of looking like you have no ability to muster up an emotion.
I swallow as we all get up and make our way over to the doctor with an amazing poker face. I shake my head again, wishing this moment away. I don't have to hear the words he says. When the scream leaves my mother’s lips I know... I know that my brother is gone.
Twenty-four years old and he's gone. I wanna cry. I wanna fall to the floor and break down but I know that I have to be strong for my parents because they've just lost one child, they shouldn't have to bury their emotions to comfort another. So I do the comforting as the doctor explains what happened.
A drunk driver ran a red light and smashed into his car, the doctors did everything they could but his injuries were too severe.
My face contorts in pain as I realize that I'll never see my big brother again. He just went for tacos. He was hungry and wanted some stupid tacos. I fight the tears that threaten to fall as I wrap my arms around my broken parents.
No ... in this moment I can't be anything but strong for them.
--
Tyler fell back asleep in my lap and I wonder if he woke up just to be my emotional savior. My father takes him gently and easily cradles him. I imagine how I must've looked when he carried me out of the house earlier. I stand up and Catherine is holding her hand out for me. I take it and all three of us walk closer to the doctor.
"What's the verdict doc?" Mr. Daniels starts and I swear I hold my breath. I may pass out if he takes any longer to answer.
"Well..."
Chapter 19- Saying Goodbye
I take a sharp breath gathering as much as I can into my lungs. My eyes slowly open and I see the sun peeking through the trees. How’d I get here? I slowly sit up, confirming my surroundings. The last thing I remember was getting into my car and going after Grace. I carefully push myself off the ground, its clear something happened. I am not supposed to be waking up in my spot. I’m clearly out of it.
I take in my surroundings; how warm the sun that's peeking through the trees feel, the sound of the water running through the creek, the green grass.
“You need to leave,” I snap my head in the direction of her voice.
“I don’t even know how I got here.”
“Doesn’t matter how you got here, as long as you don’t stay,” she’s walking closer to me.
It feels different this time though. It’s not like all the other times where I’ve imagined McKenzie in front of me it’s, like she’s actually here— right in front of me. She’s only inches away, her arms crossed over her chest, her hazel eyes burning a hole into my face. I inhale deeply and I can actually smell her. I’m tripping out right now. I slowly lift my arm to touch her and she smacks it away. I felt it!
“What the hell is happening right now?!” I scamper back because McKenzie can’t be touching me. She’s dead!
In my attempt to get away from the girl that I wanted nothing more than to be close to again, I fall backwards but I don’t land on the ground. I’m caught in burly arms I used to know so well. He laughs and my heart is racing. I’m truly terrified. This is the type of stuff that gets people into strait jackets and lifting their tongues to show nurses they took their pills.
This is a dream.
Isn't it?
“You’re not dreaming,” George tells me. Get out of my head George. He mumbles a sorry and my eyes widen in horror.
“Someone tell me what the hell is going on!” I shout as I jump out of his arms. “You guys are dead! I went to your graves, I carried guilt, I…I…”
“I told you she’d freak out,” I hear a voice that isn’t familiar to me. He appears on the other side of the creek. He waves at me and I don’t know why but I wave back. He smiles and it looks so much like Grace’s.
“I’m assuming I don’t have to introduce myself,” He says as he hops from one boulder to another to join me and my apparently not dead best friends. I just shake my head. I can’t speak. Apparently I don’t need to because they can read my thoughts.
“James,” I answer knowingly.
“In the flesh!” He presents himself and spreads his arms out bowing a little. He pops back up and smirks. “Well I mean not really in the flesh but you get what I mean.”
“No… no I don’t actually.”
“Can we stop pussyfooting around? She needs to leave before it’s too late,” McKenzie orders as she sits on a rock and leans back against her hands.
“Kenz calm down, we have time. Stop being such a brat,” George orders then looks at me. “We have to clear stuff up for her.”
“Yes please do.” I’m not calm, I may sound calm, but the rate at which my heart is beating is astronomical.
“Well…” James starts then clears his throat. “You’re in limbo and we’re just here to ya know, send you on back,” his voice is so friendly and warm. The way he talks shows off this nonchalant persona. His humor is audible.
“Yeah Em people need you. You need them,” George adds. He smiles at me and I forgot just how much it warms me up.
“You’re stronger than this, you can’t let a tree be the end of you. If you stay here and miss your chance I’m gonna kill you,” I smirk at her words. She was always so hostile. Her feistiness was always so appealing.
“I’m sorry that…” I try to apologize for my friends to James, he shakes his head and places his hand on my shoulder.
“George apologized enough for all three of you…I think he’ll go eternity doing so. Just take care of my sister. She really loves you.”
“I love her too,” I say honestly, I steal a quick glance at McKenzie and her eyes are nowhere in my direction.
“I know, I kind of got that the other day when you were at our spot,” he laughs softly and removes his hand.
“I miss you guys,” I tell them. McKenzie gives George and James a look and I know what she's telling them. She's telling them that I need to leave. But I can't go yet, I just got here. I'm here and I see them and I can touch them and... I just can't go yet. I have so much to say to them. So much I need to get out.
I open my mouth to start... to say something... anything, but nothing comes out.
“You’ve said everything you need to say,” McKenzie explains. “You don’t need to apologize, feel guilt, regret, or anything. We’re with you all the time. You can feel us because you’re fighting for your life right now. You’re too close to being what we are and I need you not to be,” She moves closer to me, finally allowing her eyes to fall on mine. God, how I've missed those eyes. “You need to go back right now. Say you’re goodbyes, your ‘I love yous’ and get your hugs until your time comes again. It’s not right now though. I didn’t
fall in love with a weak person, you’re a fighter and I need you to fight. I wasn’t as strong as you and maybe that’s how it was meant to be. Don’t feel bad, you’re happy so we’re happy.” She finishes off with her natural smirk and my heart clenches.
I pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her tightly. I close my eyes, relishing this moment. She feels amazing. It feels amazing to hold her again. The girl I loved for so long... I didn't think I'd get to do this. However, as amazing as she feels I know in my heart that Grace is the girl I was always meant to love.
I let her go and she gives me a soft kiss on the lips. It’s gone before I even realize that it happened. I touch my lips and give a sad smile. This is goodbye.
I turn to George and he pulls me into a giant bear hug. He lets go after I pat his back and laughs softly. He apologizes and I honestly wouldn’t mind if he hadn’t. It felt nice.
I turn to James and hug a man I never got to meet.
His arms aren’t as burly as George’s but his embrace is just as inviting. I take in his scent. He smells a bit like the salt air from the beach mixed with coconut, a scent that was in his wax for his surfboard. His hug gets a bit tighter towards the end then he lets go.
“Thanks for being there for her,” he tells me and I just nod.
“Now seriously, it’s time for you to leave,” I look at the girl who never got to be mine, but I know she’s only rushing me to get to the one I want to be with.
“And how exactly do I leave?” I ask looking around.
“Walk away from us,” George says simply.
“But you can't look back,” McKenzie adds, giving me a sad smile. She's telling me that I have to let them go. Not that I can't ever think of them or miss them just that I have to move forward with my life in order to live.
I take one final look at all of them before I turn to walk the path that I’d walk if this were reality. I walk forward, off the beaten path back to what I’ve fought so hard to get. I got it once and I’ll get it again. I won’t give up.
Chapter 20- Victim of Love
Grace's POV
“Well...” The doctor pauses.
I hold my breath as I await his answer. I hate when doctors do this. Just tell me, don't prolong my agony. I look around the room at the group of people who care for Emma the most. It seems like we're all holding our breath waiting for the news. I shut my eyes tightly when I see the doctor opening his mouth again. I need this to be good news, I can't take anything else.
–
Another late night visit to see my brother. I've been doing this a lot lately. As the anniversary of his death gets closer I can't help but want to be closer to him. I'd normally feel closest to him at our spot but earlier today I just didn't feel it. So I'm here, next to his grave asking him to come back to me.
I've been here for over two hours when I glance over to my left and see a stunning brunette bending down in front of a grave. She's crying, much like everyone does when they're in a graveyard. I glance down at the pack of tissues in my hand, lifting myself off the ground I make my way over to her.
“Um, excuse me...” I say and it's clear I startle the girl because she stumbles backward into a tombstone. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...”I bite my lip to hide my embarrassment.
I didn't mean to scare her. I can't help but notice how gorgeous she is with her hazel eyes and brunette hair that cascades down her shoulders. I try to compose myself so my words don't come out high pitched.
“Here,” I hold out the pack of tissues for her to wipe her face but she opts to use her shirt. “Or that works.” I force a smile, looking at her then down at the grave she's sitting in front of. I don't know what comes over me but I sit down across from her.
“I used to come here every day when my brother first died four years ago, thinking it'd make it easier, like if I came to see him every day it'd be like he wasn't gone at all. But I was fooling myself. It didn't make it easier at all. If anything it only reminded me of all the things I missed about him. His laugh, his smile, his inability to spell even the simplest of words correctly.” I smile at the memory of my brother. “It never really gets easier if I'm being honest, but I know I'll see him again one day so it makes it just a little bit less painful.”
“I'm sorry about your brother,” she says wiping her face. I didn't tell her any of that to get her sympathy, I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting to be honest.
“And I'm sorry about...” I trail off, waiting for her to fill in the blank.
“My best friends,” She says. Plural?
“Friends?”
She nods and points to the two grave stones in front of her. “George and McKenzie.”
I briefly glance at the grave stones. I don't know what to say, she's lost two people and anything I say right now won't bring them back.
“Well you'll see them both again one day.” She half smiles before standing and helping me to my feet. “I'm Grace.”
“I'm Emma.”
“Nice to meet you Emma.” I give her a soft smile as we turn and head out of the graveyard.
“You too Grace.” She returns the smile but I know she's forcing it. I can tell.
“So, I guess I'll see you around then.” I grab my keys from my pocket with the intention of just turning and heading home but something comes over me and I ask her a crazy question.
“Unless you want to give me your number.” When her eyes go wide I feel my heart rate pick up.
I know I've screwed up. I shouldn't have been so forward. I must seem like a creeper right now.
“I mean...no...” I shake my head and try to explain myself, tripping over my words.
I cannot believe this is happening. I'm not usually like this. I roll my eyes at myself and say, “God that was awful, almost as bad as the pick-up line 'come here often?' I'm gonna just go.” I thumb towards her car. “It was really nice meeting you Emma.”
“Here, let me have this,” she says, grabbing my phone from hand. “Call me when you've calmed down. Nice meeting you too, Grace.” She says, turning and getting into her car.
I stare down at the screen wondering who this girl is that's so quickly bringing a smile to my face, speeding up my heart rate, and making me trip over my words. I smile and get into my car. I don't know who she is but I definitely plan on finding out.
–
“Your daughter made it through surgery.” He finally says and I hear everyone release a sigh of relief. I still don't open my eyes though, I know there's more. “We're not out of the woods yet though. When she crashed into the tree she hit her head pretty hard. She's concussed and still unconscious. She also has four broken ribs and a broken leg.”
I contort my face in pain at the news. She's hurt... she's hurt because I walked away and she feared losing me.
“Can we see her?” Her mother asks.
I don't hear anything so I open my eyes just as the doctor finishes nodding.
“But only two at a time.” He adds. “Right this way.”
He escorts Emma's parents to see her. I close my eyes again, swallowing the lemon in my throat. I don't want to think right now. I don’t know what to feel or how to act. I back away from the crowd and drop into an empty seat. I watch as each couple comforts each other and for the first time since Emma, I feel alone again. I stare off into space and try to feel her again, I know she’ll be okay. I have hope but a part of me is fighting to believe otherwise. I have more faith in my girlfriend than that so I fight off the negative thoughts and think about her.
--
I look around the small coffee shop in search of the brunette who is quickly growing on me. I see her towards the back and I notice her hand in the air. I walk over and try my best not to skip. I’m excited she asked me out for coffee. I’m glad that she’s taking a step forward because I didn’t want to become overwhelming. I know when my brother first passed people were forcing me to get out and do things. I grew to resent them because I just wanted to be left alone. The only person that
really got it was Tamara. She just spent time with me, didn’t talk unless I talked to her. She didn’t do that annoying idle conversation that people do to fill the awkward silence and then there was Chloe. Who just led me down this dark hole because it made her feel better about herself.
Emma though, she’s good at not allowing her emotions be a burden and because she does that, I know that she needs to confront them. If she wants me to be that person she can open up to, I will be because everyone deserves to heal. Everyone deserves to live, we only get one life and there’s something about her that’s making me want to live mine. Not that I wasn’t before but I was just going through the motions of life and the moment I saw her in the cemetery something happened when she took my phone. I was looking forward to the next day instead of just knowing it was coming and getting through it.
I sit down and she smiles, she doesn’t think I see it behind her coffee. I find her absolutely adorable. I greet her with a ‘good morning’ and she responds quickly. That thing I hate so much, awkward silence, makes its way over and I slightly panic because everything I couldn’t stand about people who forced their company on me is now happening. I quickly calm myself down and act the way she makes me feel. Comfortable.
I joke with her, tease her, learn about her, and without hesitation I talk to her about the things that I haven’t reminisced with anyone else. I tell her stories about James. I haven’t even really done this with Tamara, or my parents. They’ll talk about him but I wouldn’t share my memories. It hurt too much to do so. With her, she makes it the most natural thing in the world. In this moment I feel myself grow more than I have over the past four years.
“So you just take a chance on everything?”
“Only on the things that are worth it.”
--
She’s worth it. She’s worth letting go of anger, letting go of resentment. She’s worth so much and I need her to be okay. I don’t know what I’m going to find once I go inside and finally see her. I look up as Ryan comes back into the waiting room with Tyler in his arms. The little guy fell asleep again. He walks over to me and readjusts his son his arms.