by Erin Rylie
“Well, duh. Sex is awesome. But Rafe and Sophie’s entire relationship started with a good hate fuck. They got all of those negative emotions out and ended up getting together. Look at them now, all married and shit.”
Reese knew there was more to that story, but he hadn’t been in Houston to witness it firsthand. “I’m pretty sure Sophie getting pregnant is what brought them together, not the hate sex.”
“Ummm, how do you think babies are made, homie?”
Reese put the barbell back on the rack with Carlos’s help and then stood to smack his partner on the back of the head.
“We’ve had this discussion, it’s been voted on. You are not allowed to use the word homie.”
“I need new friends.”
Reese walked to the part of the gym covered in mats to get his squats and sit-ups out of the way, Carlos trailing behind looking like someone kicked his puppy.
“Good luck trying to find someone else to put up with your ass. I still can’t believe Kelsey does.”
“We’ve established this: she’s the only person in the world who truly appreciates my brand of genius. Back to you though. I really think you should consider getting sweaty with Becky. All of life’s problems can be solved between the sheets.”
Reese rolled his eyes for the hundredth time since they’d gotten to the gym and ignored Carlos. The last thing he and Becky needed was to add a physical relationship to their complicated situation. No, he needed to find a way for them to get together alone and talk things out in a healthy way.
Chapter Seven
“Who is the person coming to dinner tonight?”
Becky fought the urge to smooth back the messy hair slipping over Ryker’s forehead, knowing that he disliked soft touches. She had learned that when he was upset it helped him to be firmly held, but light touches tended to make him uncomfortable. She was slowly learning all of Ryker’s little foibles, and she loved him more each day.
“He’s just an old friend. I knew him when I was in high school, and he lives here now, so he wanted to meet you.”
Ryker shot her a confused glance, his gaze meeting hers for a brief instant before flitting away. “Why would he want to meet me?”
“Well, you’re my favorite person in the whole world, and he wants to get to know you.”
“How can you know that I’m your favorite person in the whole world if you haven’t met everyone yet?” He reached out to fiddle with the button on her cuff, slipping the small button through the corresponding hole to unfasten it, and then re-buttoning quickly. He was almost always in motion and liked to keep his hands busy at all times.
Becky bit back a smile. Ryker used to avoid touching her, even to mess with the buttons on her clothes, so this small gesture meant the world to her. “I just do.”
“I really think you should meet everyone before you decide for sure. You’re my favorite person of all of the people I’ve met in the world, but I don’t know if you’re my favorite person in the world.”
“Ah, so I should do my research then?”
He nodded sagely, releasing the cuff of her sleeve and tucking his hands into the pockets of his zip-up sweatshirt. “You should always do your research.”
“Okay, how about this: I’ll continue to update my opinion as I meet new people. So right now, you are my favorite person in the world. Every time I meet a new person, I’ll re-evaluate and let you know.”
A small smile graced Ryker’s lips and Becky felt like she’d won some kind of fucking award. Anytime she made him smile, it made her day that much better.
“Okay.”
“Perfect! All right, let’s get some burgers.”
When they pulled into the restaurant parking lot, and Becky threw her car in park, she realized that her hands were shaking. Seeing Reese had always made her anxious, but her relationship with him had grown so twisted and tangled that she wasn’t sure what to feel around him. She was packed full of conflicting emotions when he was near, and it was sometimes hard to breathe.
She and Ryker unbuckled and got out of the car, and as she approached the restaurant, she could see Reese waiting by the hostess stand inside. She didn’t know if he’d intentionally waited, knowing that Jesse was particular when eating out so Ryker might be too, but she was happy to see that he hadn’t just gotten a table. Ryker liked a certain table and a certain waitress every week. He was, after all, a little dude with a routine.
He’d been looking at the menu, leaning casually against the wall, but when he heard the door open he straightened immediately and met her gaze. Staring into his beautiful green eyes, she felt stripped bare. Their conversation last night had been hard for her, and she’d spent the majority of her night crying. He looked at her like he could see all of that written plainly on her face, and it made Becky want to hide. Reese looked at her for a few more moments before dropping his focus to Ryker, an enormous smile taking over his features.
“Ryker, this is Reese, the friend I was telling you about.”
Ryker slowly took in Reese, starting at his feet and making his way up, his eyes settling somewhere around the vicinity of Reese’s ear. “My mom said you went to high school with her.”
Becky’s heart soared, as it always did when he called her mom. She still couldn’t believe that she’d gotten him back, that he was with her. When she thought about all the time they’d lost because of her piece-of-shit parents, she wanted to punch something.
“Yeah, we were really close in high school,” Reese murmured, eyeing Becky.
She flushed, wondering if he meant that the way it sounded. Silence settled over their small group. Ryker was a pretty quiet kid, so that wasn’t surprising, but the quiet between Becky and Reese was decidedly awkward.
“So, let’s get our table. You hungry, Ryker?”
“Very,” he replied quietly. He never said he was starving like a lot of other people did. The last time she’d mentioned that she was starving, he had corrected her. “If you were starving, you’d be dying from lack of food. You’re not dying so you should just say you’re really hungry.”
She felt her lips curl into a small smile remembering that conversation between them, one of the first they’d had once they’d been reunited. It had been such a Jesse thing to say that her heart had given a little tug thinking of how similar Ryker and his uncle were in some ways.
The hostess smiled and greeted them when they approached and let Ryker lead the way to his preferred table. It was in a quieter, more secluded part of the restaurant, a small table for four tucked into the corner. They sat down—once again things were uncomfortably quiet—and when she looked up from her menu she saw that Reese was staring at Ryker. He looked like he was in awe of their son, and she had to admit that it was hard not to be. He was such a perfect mix of the two of them with Reese’s green eyes and Becky’s thick red hair. When it grew out it even had a small wave in it, reminiscent of her wild curls.
Before she could break the awkward silence at the table, a young man walked up to them and introduced himself as their server for the evening, setting down three glasses of water.
“You’re not Denise,” Ryker blurted, his little face tightening in panic. “We always have Denise.”
The server pasted on a smile and informed them that Denise had called in sick for the day and would be unable to take care of them this evening.
Ryker had gone silent again, staring at the table, his hands fluttering. She knew that he needed routine, and every week when they’d come here they’d had Denise wait on them. Becky wasn’t entirely sure how to tackle the situation as it became apparent Ryker wasn’t going to handle this well.
Their server was asking them again if they were ready to order and Reese saved her from having to answer by asking him for a few more minutes to decide.
“Ryker, are you okay?” she asked, her voice soft. She again had to check the urge to reach out and touch him. She was a physically affectionate person and found herself wanting to touch his cheek or hold hi
s hand often.
“I want Denise. We always have Denise,” he mumbled, his hands moving more rapidly in front of him.
Shit. I don’t know what to do.
Ryker had had the occasional meltdown at their house or at school, but she was always prepared in those situations. At home they had weighted blankets and stuffed animals that had a calming effect on Ryker. At school, he had a small pack of toys she’d found online called a fidget kit. It was full of things to keep his hands busy and his senses occupied. She had been so stressed about her son meeting Reese that she hadn’t thought to pack any of the items she would normally use to soothe him.
She looked at Reese in a panic and was surprised to find that he looked completely calm and was fishing something out of his pocket.
“I was going to wait until later to give this to you, Ryker, but I brought you a present. Do you want to see it?”
Their son nodded, hands still in motion, eyes on the table in front of him. Reese pulled a small ball out of his pocket. It was a toy she was familiar with, and actually one that she remembered Jesse fidgeting with on occasion. It was a ball made up of multicolored rubber strings. She had read about and recognized it on an autism resources website and almost bought it, but settled on other toys instead. The thin rubber strands had a unique texture, something that she had a feeling Ryker would enjoy. He was a very sensory child, and his favorite toys were ones with unique textures and bright colors in some sort of pattern. The ball was colored in quadrants, the quarters of it colored in blocks of red, blue, green, and yellow.
“My brother has something like this, and he uses it when he wants to calm down. Do you want to hold it?”
Ryker nodded again and reached out tentatively, plucking the ball from Reese’s hand without making skin-to-skin contact. He placed it on the table in front of him and ran his hand over the rubber strands, feeling the different textures and occasionally tugging on a piece of rubber before releasing it and running his hand along the surface of the ball.
She noticed that his shoulders were slowly losing some of their tension as he repetitively moved his hand back and forth, and let loose a sigh of relief when she saw that his hands were no longer fluttering but playing with the ball calmly.
“Ryker, do you want to say something to Reese?”
“Thank you,” he said shyly, his eyes never leaving the toy in front of him.
Becky looked up to meet Reese’s gaze, mouthing a quick thank you as well. She had done endless research and spoken to Dr. Cumberland to prepare for the realities of raising a child on the spectrum, but Reese had lived with an autistic brother for the majority of his childhood. His expertise would certainly be helpful as she felt like she was constantly learning both how to be a mother, and how to be a good mother to Ryker specifically.
For the first time since they’d seen each other on Sunday, she was grateful for Reese’s presence in Houston.
Chapter Eight
The rest of their dinner passed quickly and without much fanfare. After the incident with their sever, Ryker had been pretty quiet, but when their son had gone to the bathroom, Becky had thanked Reese for his help and assured him that Ryker was always a pretty quiet little guy. Things with Becky were, well, awkward. Reese figured that was to be expected, though, after everything they’d been through. How did one handle reuniting with your first love? The one who got away? The person who’d ruined you for all future relationships?
Dealing with their past would be hard enough without all of the added stuff. Their son, their twisted breakup, all of the hurt and pain and turmoil. He just didn’t know what to say to her, how to act. It was exhausting to be in her presence, but it also felt a little like coming home.
She still ate her food the way she always had, slowly and delicately. Reese assumed that her immaculate table manners were a product of her upbringing. How the fuck did someone look so graceful eating a fucking burger?
Becky still sat in her chair completely straight-backed, all of her mother’s lectures about posture doing their job. He wondered if she even realized that she still held on to these small pieces of her past. So much about her seemed different now, but the girl he’d fallen in love with was still in there, he was sure of it.
Although these thoughts took up space in his mind while they ate, he did his best to push them to the side and focus on Ryker. He didn’t know that it was possible to love someone so much upon first meeting them. He loved his son more than he’d ever loved anyone. Reese found himself fascinated by Ryker’s every move.
His chest ached at the thought of all of the years they’d missed, and the long road ahead of them, but when he saw the ease with which Ryker interacted with Becky, it gave him hope. Their relationship was still new, Ryker only just finding out that he had a mother who loved him, but they already seemed relatively comfortable around each other.
When a piece of hair fell into Ryker’s eyes, he saw Becky’s hand twitch as though she wanted to smooth it away for him but fought the urge. Becky might not have noticed it, but Ryker looked to her frequently, never trying to meet her eyes, but looking at her as though he was assuring himself that she was there.
After they’d finished eating and were waiting for the check, Ryker reached over and lightly tugged on the sleeve of Becky’s shirt. Without hesitation, Becky placed her arm on the table and Ryker played with the button at the cuff of her sleeve, slipping it in and out of the buttonhole while Becky asked him about his day at school.
Throughout all of this, Reese had stayed relatively quiet. He was so overwhelmed by the pure joy he felt at simply being near his son. After he’d paid the check and they’d gotten up to leave, he’d fought the urge to beg for just five more minutes with them. The night had passed by so quickly and he felt like he hadn’t gotten to spend nearly enough time with Ryker. He wanted to spend all of his time with his son. Fuck work, fuck responsibility. He’d missed enough years, enough precious moments. He tried not to focus on the fact that he’d missed his son’s first words, his first steps, and his first day of school, and thought instead of all of the firsts they had ahead of them.
Reese was more determined than he’d ever been in his life. He would be at Ryker’s high school graduation, his first day at college, his wedding. He wanted his son to call him when he left his first day at his first-ever job. Reese felt greedy as hell—he wanted it all.
Instead of begging for more time, he walked Ryker and Becky to their car and said goodbye. He knew that his brother had always been uncomfortable with light touches, so he waved at Ryker instead of hugging him like he wanted to.
Saying goodbye to Becky felt even more awkward after their near erotic hug goodbye the previous day. Not wanting to traumatize the poor woman, he gave her a quick side hug and stepped away.
“Thank you for tonight,” he said quietly, for her ears only. “Spending time with him was incredible.”
“He’s pretty great, huh? It’s kind of nice to know that even though things with us ended so badly, we managed to create this amazing human being.”
Reese laughed. “Yeah, I already love him more than I ever thought possible.”
Becky offered him a small smile, just the slightest quirk of her lips. “I felt the same way. I’ve never loved someone so completely. It’s a startling realization.”
“It is. When can I see him again?”
Becky fiddled with the keys in her hand, glancing over her shoulder at Ryker who was buckled into the back seat and playing with the toy Reese had given him.
“I’m not sure, let me figure it out and call you. Maybe next week?”
“Next week? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“We need to ease into this, Reese! I explained all of this to you—your relationship with him needs to grow slowly. He’s been through so much already.”
“Becky, I understand that, but now that he’s a part of my life I need to see him more than once a week. If anyone can understand, I would think it would be you. You and I miss
ed out on nine years of his life, I don’t want to lose any more time.”
His hands tugged at his hair, his frustration building again. He knew that he needed to calm down, and the last thing he wanted to do was fight with Becky in front of Ryker, but this was bullshit. He was already playing by her rules, waiting to tell Ryker that Reese was his father, meeting at times and places of Becky’s choosing. He wasn’t going to budge on this. Seeing Ryker multiple times a week was non-negotiable. How the fuck else was he supposed to develop a relationship?
“Look,” Becky hissed, glancing again to Ryker. “We can’t talk about this here in front of him. I’ll ask Kelsey to come over and watch Ryker for a few hours tomorrow night and I’ll come to your pace so we can talk privately, okay?”
Reese huffed, but gave a short nod. “I’ll text you my address. I get off at six tomorrow night.”
“Thank you.”
Instead of saying something he’d regret, Reese walked away and got into his car, glancing one last time over his shoulder at his son. When Becky opened the car door and got in, Ryker’s head lifted and he smiled. Reese promised himself then and there that he would fight as hard as he had to for that kind of relationship with Ryker.
Reese felt jittery and unsure of himself all day at work. He was anxious about his impending talk with Becky and it was impacting his work in frustrating ways. He had missed the turn he and Carlos had needed to take to get to a call for a wellness check, and his partner had given him shit over that one missed turn for hours.
He suspected that Carlos was being annoying on purpose to try to help Reese get out of his own head, but it wasn’t working. Though it was a nice gesture, Reese just found himself annoyed, and by the end of the day he wanted to punch Carlos.
“Dude, I still can’t believe you missed that turn like a total fucking amateur. Was it your first day on the job, Officer?” Carlos cackled for what had to have been the tenth time that day. All of the stress Reese had been feeling all day bubbled up and over him, and he exploded.