by Anna Edwards
I stare at his profile as his whole body changes. He doesn’t move his head from the glass and physically he doesn’t move at all, but I see his muscles tense, his eyes gloss over before he closes them and his breath hitches. I watch his throat as he swallows and pauses before continuing to speak, never opening his eyes. “Do you know how many tests you have to go through when getting your fertility checked?” He doesn’t open his eyes when he poses the question.
“No,” I murmur quietly. I have no clue, but however small or big I can see his pain and it hurts to watch.
He turns his head, so his temple leans against the window now and stares at me. “I had to give my sperm three times for them to check. That doesn’t seem too bad, right?”
I don’t answer him, what can I say?
“I mean, women go through so much more and here am I complaining about giving my sperm.” He barks out a humorless laugh. “Blood tests seemed almost constant, testing for HIV and other diseases, then they checked my hormone levels, my genetics. The physical exam wasn’t the most comfortable.” He shrugs. “I was so sick of the hospital, of needles and exams.”
His words make sense as I remember how he was in the hospital the first time I saw him. I look toward his hand, glad that I was the one to remove his stitches a few weeks ago and didn’t allow another nurse to attend to him.
I hold my hand out to him. “Come here,” I whisper. I don’t know why I do it, but something tells me he needs the added strength right now. Noah stands at over six foot tall and has broad shoulders, but that doesn’t mean he should hold the whole world on them. The most sacred part of being with someone is sharing the heavy that weighs them down. If I can do that for him, irrespective of the fact that we don’t have anything more than a friendship, then I’ll happily share his pain.
Slowly he makes his way back to the sofa and seats himself. He grabs my hand like I’m his lifeline and I swallow down my own emotion. This is about him, I refuse to make it about me. I don’t say anything, allowing him to go at his own pace.
After a few quiet minutes, he squeezes my hand. “I like you, Gracie, I always have.”
I bite down on my inner cheek. “I like you, too, Noah. You know that,” I reply.
He runs a finger down my cheek. “When we were younger I was jealous of Charlie.” His revelation causes me to jerk in surprise. He nods. “Yeah, I was a shit best friend.” Noah chuckles. “Truth is, when he started acting out I hoped you’d leave him. That makes me an asshole.”
I shake my head. “No, I should have left him although, I’m glad I didn’t.” My eyes glancing to a photo of Pipper.
Noah follows my eye line. “Yeah, she’s kind of amazing,” he says reverently.
“She is,” I murmur.
“I can’t have kids.” His words are shot out so fast I feel like I’ve gotten whiplash. I narrow my eyes and open and close my mouth. I don’t know what Noah takes from my silence, but it’s enough that he pulls his hand away from me.
“Yeah,” he states bitterly. “I’m missing the main tube for my sperm to ejaculate. Do you know what that means?”
I shake my head.
“It means that for all my life my semen has never contained sperm.” He smiles darkly.
I blink and realize what he’s saying.
“Not only could I not have children, but I wouldn’t have been able to get Claire pregnant in the first place.”
“Shit,” I breathe out.
“Yeah.” He chuckles. “That’s one way to put it.” I grab his hand again, and he looks at our joined fingers. A small twitch at the corner of his lips allows me to relax some. “It gets worse.”
I frown, almost disbelieving him. “I had surgery to try and fix the problem.” He begins the next part of his seemingly tragic story. “The surgery worked, but they found I had no sperm. I’m well and truly firing blanks.” His dark smile is back again and I cup his cheek with my free hand.
“I’m sorry you went through all of that,” I tell him softly.
His eyes roam my face and he must see the conviction in my words because he swallows and nods. Then my palm drops from his cheek as he lowers his head, staring at our hands again.
“I’ll never have children,” he whispers and I feel a wet splash drop on my hand.
“I’m sorry,” I offer again, it’s the only thing I can give him.
His gaze meets mine as he raises his head. The remaining unshed tears linger on his lower lashes but he doesn’t brush them away. “We’ve known each other for almost seventeen years, Gracie. I lost you for ten, but I can honestly say the last six weeks have been the best. I like you,” he tells me once again. “I mean… I really like you, but I refuse to take this further because I’ll be denying you something precious.”
I jolt against him. “Pardon?” I whisper.
“Children. Having them is a blessing I don’t want to keep from you.”
Chapter Eleven
NOAH
Gracie pulls her hand away leaving me instantly cold. “Excuse me, but I’m pretty sure I already have a blessing,” she answers slightly annoyed and as cute as fuck.
I smile thinking about Pip. “You do, and she is amazing.” My smile drops. “I wouldn’t want to keep you from having more like her,” I admit honestly.
Gracie rolls her eyes and it makes me want to kiss her again. “So, when you start dating someone, at some point, I’m guessing you feel you have to tell them this about you, right?”
I nod, not sure where this is going.
“So, why am I any different? I mean… apart from the actual dating thing,” she replies, her cheeks pinking slightly.
“You think I don’t want to date you?” I answer, surprised she could even think that.
“I-I don’t know.” Her answer is quiet, she’s embarrassed when she has absolutely no reason to be.
I sigh and fall back against the sofa, closing my eyes. “Shit, I used to be good at this stuff. Dating, flirting, fucking.” I open my eyes and see hers are wide. “I’m still good at fucking.” I return with a wink.
Her whole face changes as she belts out a laugh. “Oh my God,” she mutters through her laughter. The feeling in the room lifts, it becomes easier and I let a little of the stress fall from my shoulders.
“Seriously, Noah.” The laughter dies away and she takes a long moment to look at me. “You’ve been honest with me and if you do want to date me…” she holds her hand palm up to stop me from talking when I open my mouth, “… then shouldn’t it be my decision whether to move forward with you?”
I watch her, I can see she’s being completely honest, but it’s not that simple. “I don’t want to start something with you knowing how easily I could fall in love.” I admit. She repeatedly blinks like she’s trying to process the words. She has no clue that if I start with her I’ll never stop. I know my hat will hang wherever she is for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to be ripped apart if this backfires someday. “I couldn’t bear the idea of you resenting me… in the future.”
“You think I’d do that?” she asks, crestfallen.
I tread carefully, needing to be honest but not wanting to hurt her unnecessarily. “I think you like me, and maybe if we start dating, you’ll like me more. You introduced me to Pipper because we’re old friends, and I’m guessing at that point you thought that’s all we’d ever be?”
She nods.
“Before I found out the truth, before I realized that Claire had cheated and even though I didn’t really love her in the way I should have, when she looked at me with sheer disappointment I felt like a complete failure.” I take a breath, in and out. “I still do.” I whisper. Admitting the dark truth is hard, it’s something I’ve only ever told Donnie, I never even let Claire know. Still, I’m about to air the truth which binds me in so many ways. “I feel like I’m not a real man. I’m broken, Gracie,” I choke out the words.
“Noah…” she rasps my name out but I shake my head.
“The honesty in
Claire’s eyes hurt, but if I ever saw that sadness reflected in yours, knowing I was the reason for it…” I shake my head again, “… I think it would destroy me.” I pull in my flailing emotions so I can continue, “I don’t think you’ll ever knowingly choose to resent me, but I’m scared that could happen. We’ve been seeing each other for six weeks… six weeks, Gracie, and we’re not even dating. Yet, I already know what you could become to me.” I let those words hang, wondering what her reply will be.
Chapter Twelve
GRACIE
Leaning forward slowly, I keep eye contact with Noah, and don’t stop until he can’t see me anymore because we’re too close. Tenderly I lay my lips on his, giving him a choice whether to take me. I don’t wait long until he presses into me harder, bruising our mouths together before he licks his tongue along the seam of my lips. I open for him and our kiss becomes more, it turns into a message. We’re accepting each other, exactly as we are.
We break apart, both panting and preparing for each other’s response to the kiss.
“You are not broken Noah and you absolutely are a real man.” I kiss him softly again.
“However, it’s obvious that you’ve never really dealt with this. I think you should talk to someone.” I tell him.
“What? You mean like a therapist?” He asks, his voice tight. “I don’t know if I can face it… it’s embarrassing.” His words seem to fracture something in him. I see the little boy I once knew and it breaks my heart.
Running my hands from his shoulders down to his forearms, I lean toward him. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, personally I’m proud that you felt you could tell me. I feel privileged to be that person for you.” I whisper. “And if I’m being completely honest, I really want to continue to be that person for you.” I tell him honestly, throwing myself out there for him, like he has for me.
Noah slips his hand around the back of my neck and pulls my head toward him, our foreheads bump gently, and we rest, quietly, against one another.
“I really want to see where this goes,” he tells me.
“I do, too,” I admit breathlessly.
His hand pulses on my neck. “What happens if you want kids in the future?”
“Noah, I know I’ll want kids in the future,” I tell him.
Immediately he pulls back, and I sigh. “Is there some reason we couldn’t adopt in the future? Do you have a criminal record or something?” I ask seriously.
He shakes his head. “No, I just… I guess… I assumed you’d want to have more of your own.”
“Why would you assume that?” I return. “I mean I have Pipper and she’s perfect, but the pregnancy and birth wasn’t great.” I shrug. “I could have more kids, I guess,” I tell him. “But, I’m not in any rush to go through that again. I nearly died when I had her, they had to give me a blood transfusion,” I explain.
His eyes widen and then he frowns. “Fuck.” he mutters.
“Yeah,” I answer softly. “How about we take it one day at a time?” I request.
He leans forward again and kisses me tenderly. “Sounds pretty perfect actually.”
THREE YEARS LATER
NOAH
I climb out the car heading toward the flower shop. I’m staring down at my cell, checking a text from Donnie when a voice I haven’t heard for years sees me stopping in the street.
“Noah?”
The blonde curls are gone. Instead, Claire Turner’s sporting what I believe is called a pixie cut.
“Hey, Claire,” I greet her, offering a small smile. Truth be told I don’t really have time for this, but I also don’t want to be impolite.
“How are you?” she asks, her eyes roam over me and I suddenly see the desire in them.
Crap.
“I’m good, how are you?”
She smiles coyly, biting her bottom lip. To think this kind of manufactured innocence once had me by the balls. I snort out a laugh, about to answer when I hear another much more beautiful tinkling sound.
“Daddy!” Pip’s voice carries down the street as she barrels toward me.
I lift her up onto my back. Even at eleven, I can still throw her around.
Claire’s eyes widen and then narrow in confusion.
“Daddy, who’s this?” Pip asks.
“This is Claire, she’s an old friend,” I tell her.
Claire’s jaw pulses. She wants to ask a million questions, I can tell. I would have given her the answers she hasn’t even asked if Pip weren’t here. Claire doesn’t deserve to know anything about my life now, but at the same time she’s inconsequential, so I don’t have a problem with telling her. The past is exactly that, and I have no feelings for the woman standing in front of me. She’s merely a distant memory.
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I got the flowers for Amy, did you get anything for Donnie? I mean, it’s his engagement dinner, too,” Gracie asks, walking toward me, pushing the stroller while holding a massive bunch of flowers in front of her face.
“Babe, did you buy the whole shop?” I ask, taking them off her and kissing her softly on the mouth before bending down to kiss Austin on the forehead. He squeaks before sticking his thumb into his mouth.
“Oh, hello,” Gracie murmurs, facing a stunned-looking Claire. I almost laugh.
“H-Hi...” Claire replies.
“Gracie, this is Claire,” I tell her.
She looks at me, and I can see the cogs turning before her eyes widen and I have to hide my smirk.
“Claire, this is my wife Gracie, and my kids Pipper and Austin.”
Claire just stares at us all before rasping out a half-assed excuse and running off.
“She seemed… friendly,” Gracie says biting on her lip, trying to hide a grin.
I kiss my wife again. “Hmmm… let’s get to Donnie and Amy’s,” I answer.
“In a rush?” Gracie asks with a smirk as Pip jumps off my back and grabs the flowers from her mom. Gracie puts Austin in the car seat and I fold up the stroller placing it in the trunk.
The second Gracie closes Austin’s door, I pin her against it kissing her hard. “The sooner we get to their house, the sooner we can leave and drop Pip and Austin off with Carmela.” I capture her lips again running my hand up inside her sweater so no one else can see when I cup her breast. “I love our kids fiercely, but I miss nights with my wife. Austin is six months old and babe, since we claimed him as ours in the hospital room we’ve not had any time alone. Tonight, I’m planning to fuck you, then love you, then fuck you again. Over and over until you can’t move anymore.”
Gracie’s eyes widen and her breaths come out short and fast. Her eyes dilate and her cheeks pink. I squeeze her tit and lick my tongue across her lips.
“Let’s get going,” she croaks out the words.
I look from my sexy wife to my kids. Pip’s reading and Austin’s playing with a toy stuck to the car window.
I feel calm.
My life is centered, balanced, and I no longer feel inadequate. I allowed someone else to show me my worth, and from that moment I learned to love myself, all of me.
I saw my inability to conceive as a weakness, when in fact, it’s allowed me to adopt two children, both of whom had no father.
I’ve learned a very important lesson—it takes more than biology to be a daddy.
THE END
About Maria Macdonald
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Dedication
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an Amen up in here?” RuPaul Charles
&
nbsp; Chapter One
December
December 26th
So, I need to start somewhere with getting control of my life and since my mum bought me a diary for Christmas, I thought now would be the best time and place.
Only I need to decide what I want to do and what I want to say. It’s harder than it looks! I have so much shiz going off (this is the PG version of saying poop, if you get what I mean?) in my brain but putting pen to paper isn’t easy. I’m sure I will get the hang of it though. If not, it will just be loads of words. Can I put pics in here too? Ooh imagine the possibilities this little book could bring me. Maybe I’ll become the next best seller.
So, diary, since we are going to be so close and you will get to know all my secrets and fears let me tell you a little bit about me. My name is Zac, I am 15 years old and around 5 foot 9 inches (hopefully I stop growing soon). My mum says I have blonde hair but I would say it was more of a mucky brown colour with a hint of ginger. It has no style. Well it has my style. When I am older and much more fabulous, I will look back on this diary and hopefully realise I have lived a fulfilling life.
December 29th
I am SOOO glad Christmas is over with. Bloody families and all these traditions are just too much. I hate socialising. All the small talk about what you got for Christmas and fake smiling at people so you don’t seem rude. Relatives trying to outdo one another. As normal, some people must think that I stink because I have an abundance of Lynx boxes (other branded items are available) and other smellies. Is this what I have to look forward to in life as I get older? Next thing you know it will be socks, pants and carpet slippers. Oh, the joys of getting old.