by Anna Edwards
Here are some names I have been thinking of:
1. Ivana Balls
2. Evan. (the full stop is very crucial in the name)
3. Regina Brothinstankle
I think I need to put more thought into this. I need chocolate. Oooh, chocolate maybe I can use that in my name.
Chapter Six
May
May 1st
Hi Bob, the training for my big night is coming along. My tics are playing nicely at the moment but not sure how long this will last. I need to think of how I can incorporate it into my routine just in case. I am sure my acting lessons from school should help.
I have seen Callum a few times since I spoke to you about our last meeting. I told him what I was doing and he is so excited to come and see me. He says he wants to support me in what I do. I honestly don’t mind that. Having him there might ground me a little.
Mum and dad are also coming. It will be the first time dad has seen me in drag. I wonder if he will recognise me. They will also be meeting Callum. We have taken it really slow. To be honest I don’t think he knows what is happening between us. But it is good to have him here, in my life.
I am still thinking of a name, and I think. I am going to do a lip sync but I need to decide what song will be my crowning glory. The one that will make people sit and watch. I have decided that I am going to use props. Well, try too. I want to use a fan and try to thwoorp. It will probably be one of the only times for my arm tic to come in handy. Well, I can think of another but since it is a PG book I will leave that for the next round.
May 13th
I am currently sitting my exams. Although the pressure is crushing down on me like an ocean of ‘inspiring’ memes the teachers have decided to post around the school. I have done revision most nights till I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I have been making lots or revision cards. I love this side of my OCD. They are so pretty. All colour coded, highlighted to an inch of their lives. It’s tough at the moment but I know it isn’t for long. I just need to get this over with. I am exhausted when I get
home from an exam. The pressure I feel to suppress my tics so not to disturb anyone is beyond anything I have gone through with them before. I just want to sleep but I have a performance to get ready for. This is something that keeps me grounded. Something else to think about when I get home other than exams.
May 27th
Bob, I took my last exam today. I can’t tell you the relief I am feeling right now. I am going to go skating tonight to celebrate. Callum is meeting me there. I am hoping we get to talk about us and if this is going to go anywhere. We are just friends at the moment but I have heard some Intel from HQ, aka one of my friends (like what I did there? ) that he is interested in becoming more. Can you see the headlines now Bob. Up and coming lawyer falls for a Teenage Queen and it isn’t a royal. Oh the scandal this could cause in the community. I will fill you in later.
I’m back Bob. I am so smitten. Callum told me he liked me tonight. I didn’t know if to actually do a death drop or fake a death drop. I was floored by how he just came out and said it. He told me he had liked me for a while but due to my exams didn’t want to be an obstacle. I didn’t know what to say. You have this picture playing out in your head about when someone first tells you. Can I just say it went nothing like this. I just looked him in the eyes, frozen to the spot. When I did make a move I just punched him on the arm and said “I really like you too bro” he laughed but I know he really just died inside. Total friend zone and boner killer there, wasn’t it Bob? Please just tell me!
We talked about my Tourette’s as he needed to know what it could be like being with me. That he could get stares off people and looks of disgust just by association. He said it didn’t matter. It was part of me and he found it quirky and charming.
Chapter Seven
June
June 7th
Only 11 more days to go till I perform. I have been practicing every minute possible. I want this to be epic. For people to love me. I think I have perfected my make up now. Even when I tic I can manage to correct it with touch ups or a different look. I have decided on my song too. I will be doing Hair by Little Mix. I think this is me to a tee. How I get all the bad thoughts and anxiety out of my hair.
June 18th
Today has finally arrived Bob. I can’t believe how nervous I actually feel. Today I make my first appearance as my alter ego Coco Beverhousen. It's like a big head rush. I can hear the blood pumping in my ears, feel my heart beating so hard in my chest, or is that just the music? I just breathe in, I’m not me tonight I am the one and only Coco Beverhousen. The song starts and the curtains open. It’s now or never Bob. This could be what I need to show everyone that even though you are different to most people. You are still you and as long as you are true to you, you can reach whatever destination and goals you set yourself. I am going to leave you here and will be back later with an update on how the night went. Speak soon and get everything crossed for me.
THE END (FOR NOW)
Afterword
First of all, I want to thank my son, without him this book would have never been written. He lives with this disability day in and day out. Most days he is able to cope with what this throws at him. He is also coming to terms with his sexuality and finding his path in this world. It is one path that I am so happy he shares with me. We love a good drag show and have been lucky to see a few live artists too.
To my husband for letting me live in my book world. His support is beyond anything I could wish for. Also, my youngest son. Oh, how I love you. Nothing much more I can say about him. He makes me smile most days, oh and grimace bit I wouldn’t change one little bit about him.
I want to thank Anna Edwards for pushing me and having the confidence in me to be able to write this book. To Maria Macdonald, Abigail Davis, Danielle Dickson, Helen Bright, KL Humphreys, TL Wainwright and Morgan Campbell for reading the book for me and offering your advice. Love you all so much. Your support and friendships mean so much to me.
To Donna Matthewman and Laura Button for looking over it and offering feedback from a readers perspective. Love you guys lots.
Help and advice
These are some sites that I have found useful for information and support. Tourettes action UK - https://www.tourettes-action.org.uk/
Tourettes syndrome support group – Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/groups/tourettessyndromesupport/?ref=share
About Samantha Lewis
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Dedication
Dedicated to my little man, J3. Mommy loves you
Prologue
One, two, three.
Everything in threes.
Day after day.
I’ve been watching you. You make it easy for someone like me to calculate your next move. With all of your counting and your strict routines, you’re taking all of the thrill out of the hunt. But, that’s okay...
It’s the kill I’m after.
Chapter One
I was 16 when I killed my little sister. No amount of time passing will ever be enough for me to forgive myself. I will never stop thinking about my actions that day and what I could have done differently to save her.
Two years prior to Annie’s death, we were homeless, not knowing where we were going to get our next meal from. We weren’t in school and every day we would pray we had somewhere safe to sleep that night. Our deadbeat father would pick up odd-jobs here and there for money, but he blew it all on drugs, and our whore of a mother would lick or suck anything of anyone’s if they would give her money or get her high. The second she tried to exchange Ann
ie for drugs, we got the fuck out of there and never looked back.
We were bouncing around from place to place, staying on friend’s couches or floors when we could. Until the day we met Nalma. I tried pickpocketing her in a convenience store and she caught me. She took me by the ear and read me the riot act until I managed to spit out that I needed to buy some medicine for Annie. She had the flu and I was scared she was going to die. She was only 5 at the time. One look at her, laying down in the alley behind the store, was all it took for Nalma to take us in.
She helped me nurse Annie back to health and in exchange I helped her around the double wide that she lived in. I was fairly handy. When I was hard pressed for cash, I would hit up some local contractors who needed help running errands or holding nails for their workers. I did whatever I could to make a buck. I learned a few things along the way and for the next two weeks, I was able to use those skills to help Nalma. I fixed her leaky pipe under the sink. I hung a shelf in her pantry for her. I ran errands and helped her cook and clean.
Once Annie was better, Nalma kept making excuses for why she needed my help, and I let her. I knew what she was doing and I loved the hell out of her for it. Eventually, she told me that if we wanted to stay, we needed an education. She enrolled us into school the following Monday.
From then on, Nalma gave us everything we needed: a roof over our head, food in our stomach, and a rock solid sense of stability. She couldn’t afford much, but she scraped and saved so she could buy us each a present for Christmas and one for our birthdays. I told her that she didn’t need to buy me anything, but she said she liked doing it. It reminded her of when her daughter was younger and still lived with her. After Nalma’s husband died she started using drugs and they fought a lot. Finally Nalma told her she needed to quit or get out. She left and Nalma hasn’t seen her since.
On Annie’s 8th birthday, Nalma bought her the shirt that Annie had seen at the department store down the road. It was pink with a blue and yellow unicorn on it. It’s horn was made out of shiny fabric and it’s tail was made of yarn that hung free from the shirt. Annie fell in love with it as soon as she saw it hanging on the rack. She ran over to it and held it up to her chest to see how it would look. Just as she was about to ask Nalma for it, she looked at the price tag; $15. When she realized how expensive it was, she quickly changed her mind and said that she didn’t like it. That it was a “baby” shirt and she was a big girl now.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when she opened it that morning. She was beside herself. She ran and practically jumped into Nalma’s lap in tears. Nalma and I talked about it and agreed that we would eat a few cheaper items for a week or so, in order for her to afford it. Annie deserved it.
Nalma didn’t know what I had planned that day and neither did Annie. It was raining and that only helped my plan because Nalma let me drive us to school rather than walk, like we normally did.
Annie wanted to sit in the front, so I let her, just this once. She wasn’t quite tall enough for the seat belt to sit correctly over her chest and she complained that it was cutting into the skin on her neck. She begged me to let her take it off, but I told her no. A little annoying rubbing was way better than being seriously hurt for not wearing a seatbelt, should anything happen.
It was seldom that I drove us to school but when I did, I would take a right out of the neighborhood because it was quicker and safer to go around the block than it was to try and make a left onto the main road. But not that day. That day I got lucky. When I got to the entrance of where we lived, there weren’t any cars coming from either direction. I thanked the traffic Gods because this would save us a little time, and made a left turn.
Annie immediately asked me where we were going. I told her that we were skipping school and I was taking her to the movies for her birthday. It was rare that we got to go to the movies and when we did it was never when it first came out. We usually had to wait for the value days when they would show older movies. Not today though. Today, we were going to see the brand new Disney movie.
If I thought she was excited about the shirt that she had on, it was nothing compared to the look on her face as I was telling her what we were going to be doing today. I turned toward her just as I was crossing through the intersection one block from the movie theater when I saw the car headed straight for us.
Annie looked up and saw the expression I must have had on my face before turning to see what I was staring at. The moment the grate of the woman’s truck barrelled into the front passenger side door of the car, I heard the most heartbreaking, terrifying, shrill scream escape from Annie’s mouth. It was quickly replaced by the sound of glass shattering, metal scraping, and the last breath being stolen from my little sister.
The woman who hit us was texting and driving, and didn’t notice that she had run through a red light. She was going so fast she caused our car to flip over and land, upright, in the embankment on the side of the road. It wasn’t long before firefighters and EMT’s were working to cut us free from the car. The entire passenger side had been smashed in so far it was as if it didn’t exist. Annie was crushed in the middle of it all. I couldn’t see the bottom half of her body, it was lost in the twisted metal to the right of me. The top half of her body was hanging over the center console of the car, almost in my lap. I wrapped my arms around her and cried. I prayed for this all to be a dream. I prayed for someone to let me rewind this day and start over.
I would go back and do everything right. I would take Annie to school, and I would make a right out of the entrance of the mobile home park. I would make Annie sit in the back where she should have been all along. God help me, let me trade places with her.
But it wasn’t a dream. It was a real life nightmare. Annie was gone and it was all my fault. That was the day my life changed, in the darkest of ways...forever.
Chapter Two
It’s 6:00 AM. The same time that it is every morning when my alarm clock wakes me with its harsh pattern of annoying buzzing. Reaching over, I hit the off button three times. Click, click, click. I hop out of bed and walk over to the silver hook on my wall, where Annie’s necklace hangs. It’s a cheap, pink beaded necklace with a kitty-cat charm that hangs from it. I got it for her out of a gumball machine when she was 5. She loved it and never took it off. I grab it and kiss it three times before letting it hang once more. Kiss, kiss, kiss. I remove my pajama pants, fold them neatly and place them into the bottom drawer of my dresser. I remove my boxers and walk over to the washing machine where I place them inside. I use this instead of a dirty clothes basket because it keeps the germs contained to the machine, rather than floating in the air around me. I walk back to my dresser, pull on new boxers, a work shirt, and jeans.
Making sure to pick up the keys to my apartment, I place them in my pocket. Then, I pick up my watch and fasten it on my wrist.
Walking into the bathroom, I brush my teeth. Carefully, I make sure that I don’t drip toothpaste anywhere but in the pedestal sink beneath me. I spend exactly 45 seconds cleaning each quadrant of my mouth to make sure that I remove any plaque and germs from between my teeth, and hiding in any other crevice in my mouth.
When I’m finished, I rinse my mouth out, the toothbrush off, and all of the toothpaste out of the sink. Using the white hand towel hanging from the wall next to the sink, I dry my toothbrush before placing it back in its holder.
My routine may seem laborious and unnecessary to most, but it’s the only way to keep bad things from happening. The only way to keep me from hurting not only myself, but everyone around me. One mistake, one step in the wrong direction could be devastating. Just like what happened to Annie.
I walk over to the kitchen in my studio apartment and take a look at what is scheduled on my calendar for today. It’s Tuesday, which means it’s a meeting day. There is an OCD therapy group which I am part of, and they meet every Tuesday and Thursday. I’d been suffering from this debilitating condition for years because of the accident. I needed someth
ing to help me control the compulsions and anxieties that formed after Annie died. I’ve been going for about a year now and, while it helps, I still have a hard time trusting the things that I learn and utilizing the coping strategies they teach.
6:30 - leave for work
6:47 - arrive at the office
7:00 - morning briefing
7:15 - leave for job site
7:42 - arrive at job site
8:00 - start work
Every time we start a new project at work, I have to carefully map it out to measure how long it will take me to walk there. It’s been 10 years since the accident and I haven’t been in a car since. I was lucky to meet Katharine at a meeting last year. Her and I both suffer from extreme OCD.
She was able to get me a job at the construction company that her brother owns and it’s helped my anxiety to finally have a boss who understands my need for a strict routine. Because of this, Austin gives me the closer jobs within walking distance.
11:00 - begin lunch
11:30 - end lunch
3:45 - end work
4:00 - depart job site
4:27 - return to office
4:30 - leave office
4:47 - return home
5:23 - leave for meeting
5:45 - arrive at community center
6:00 - meeting start time