He was not.
It was the niggling worry of the issue she had raised, of when it would be time to call the end to their marriage. He was finding it harder and harder to envisage a time when she wouldn’t be in his bed.
In his life.
In his thoughts and feelings.
Yes, feelings—those messy things he took such great care to avoid.
But he had laid down the rules and he was going to stick to them. Perhaps by the time the year had rolled around, she would be sick of him. Ready to move on and take up with someone else. With someone who would marry her for a long time.
His gut soured at the thought of her with someone else. Jealousy—a feeling he was unfamiliar with—rose in him like bile. He suppressed it the way he suppressed every unwanted emotion. He stopped thinking about it. He slammed the lid of the trapdoor inside his head.
Bang. Shut. Locked.
* * *
Frankie had settled Carli in one of the guest rooms and taken up a hot pack and a packet of strong painkillers she had in her bag for the odd time she got severe period pain. She was a little conflicted about giving someone else her prescription medication, but she knew from experience how effective it was to break the pain cycle before it took hold. There was no point calling a doctor, even if Carli had agreed to it. Anyway, who did house calls for period pain? She gave Carli two tablets with a glass of water and left her to sleep.
Frankie had been downstairs about an hour when she heard the front door opening again. It was like déjà vu to go back out to the foyer, but this time it actually was Gabriel. ‘Hi,’ she said. ‘I was just wondering whether to call you. I should have thought of it earlier. Your sister is here. She’s sleeping upstairs.’
A frown snapped his brows together. ‘How long has she been here?’
Frankie was a little hurt he hadn’t come over to kiss her in greeting. His posture was stiff and guarded as if they were strangers meeting for the first time, not passionate lovers who knew every inch of each other’s bodies. ‘A couple of hours...maybe a bit more.’
‘What was her mood like? Was she polite to you?’
‘Not really but that’s okay because she was in pain. I gave her some painkillers and—’
‘What sort of painkillers?’ His tone was as sharp as the crack of a whip.
Something cold and icy dripped in her stomach. ‘Prescription ones. She had really bad period pain and I—’
‘How many did you give her?’ Every muscle on his face was tight with tension, his mouth set in a white line.
‘Two.’ Frankie was picking up a vibe that was making her heart race in panic. ‘I left the packet with her...’
He let out a filthy curse and brushed past her, taking the stairs two at a time. Frankie followed him on legs that felt like soggy spaghetti. Her stomach was churning with nausea and she didn’t know if it was because of her guilt over his sister or if she was indeed pregnant. She got to Carli’s bedroom just in time to see Gabriel pick up the packet of medication. She held her breath as he took out the blister sleeves but thankfully all but four were gone. Frankie had taken two herself a few weeks ago. Relief swept through her in such a rush she felt light-headed...or maybe that too was because of Gabriel’s baby growing inside her. Gulp.
Carli, meanwhile, was still sleeping as soundly as a kitten. She looked impossibly young and vulnerable lying there and Frankie’s heart ached for all the suffering that had been in her life.
Gabriel gestured for them to leave Carli in peace and Frankie followed him out of the room. Once they were downstairs in the sitting room, he handed her the packet of painkillers. ‘You’d better keep these under lock and key.’ His tone had a chord of gravitas that matched his expression.
Frankie took the medication and slipped it into her pocket. ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. I was worried about her and—’
‘Welcome to my world.’ There was a weary inflection in his voice. He scraped back his hair from his face, the lines of stress and strain far more noticeable than they had ever been before. ‘She overdosed once. Recently, just after your father died. Things had got on top of her. I can’t be sure she won’t do it again.’
‘Oh, Gabriel...’ Frankie closed the distance between them and put her arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest. ‘I can’t imagine how dreadful it must be to always be worrying and watching out for her.’
He gave a long deep sigh and stroked the back of her head. ‘Thanks for taking care of her. I’m sorry if she wasn’t friendly towards you. She can be a bit funny meeting people for the first time. And the second and the third. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
Frankie lifted her head from his chest to glance up at him. ‘It must be so hard for her. She’s like you—sensitive and intelligent enough to know people will judge her no matter how hard she tries to fit in.’
He gave a lopsided smile and brushed a strand of hair away from her forehead. ‘I missed you. That’s why I came back early.’
Frankie’s heart swelled like bread dough. Did that mean he was coming to care for her? ‘I missed you too. Terribly.’
He lowered his mouth to hers in a long leisurely kiss that curled her toes and made a shiver race down her spine. He pulled back to look in her eyes. ‘Time for bed?’
She smiled and linked her arms around his neck. ‘Definitely time for bed.’
* * *
When Frankie woke the next morning, Gabriel was already downstairs, fixing breakfast for his sister. Carli was munching on a slice of ciabatta toast and scowling at him as if he had just delivered her a stern lecture. She looked across when Frankie came in and her scowl faded and was replaced by a sheepish smile. ‘Hey, thanks for last night. Those pills really hit the spot. I didn’t wake until half an hour ago. Best sleep I’ve had in ages.’
‘You’re welcome,’ Frankie said. ‘Do you feel better now?’
Carli rocked her hand back and forth. ‘So-so. The first day is always the worst.’
‘What are your plans, Carli?’ Gabriel asked. ‘I have to get to work soon. Do you need a lift anywhere or would you like to stay for a few days?’
Carli slipped off the stool she was perched on and dusted the crumbs off her hands. ‘I’m meeting someone at ten but I’ll walk. I need the exercise.’
Frankie could see the flicker of worry that flashed over Gabriel’s features. ‘And where will you stay tonight?’ His tone was like that of a parent addressing a wayward teenager. ‘And with whom?’
Carli rolled her eyes in a half circle and exchanged a can-you-believe-what-I-have-to-put-up-with? look with Frankie. ‘Stop fussing like an old grandfather, Gabriel. I’m not going to go out and get myself pregnant.’
Frankie could feel her face flushing and quickly looked away on the pretence of pouring herself a cup of coffee from the freshly brewed pot Gabriel had prepared. Her heart was pounding with sickening dread. But then her hand stilled on the coffee pot, her heart pounding. Wasn’t there a medical guideline for coffee to be avoided during pregnancy? Coffee and alcohol and soft cheeses...
‘So, when are you two going to start having bambinos?’ Carli asked.
There was a pregnant pause. No pun intended.
‘We’re not...in a hurry for that just yet,’ Frankie said forcing herself to meet her inquisitive gaze.
Carli shrugged on her coat and lifted her hair out of the back of the collar. ‘I reckon you’d make a good mum. Wouldn’t she, Gabriel?’
Gabriel’s expression was as unreadable as computer encryption. ‘Sì. An excellent mother.’ He picked up his keys off the bench. ‘Come on, Carli. I’ll drop you off. I’m leaving now in any case.’
‘Aren’t you going to kiss your wife goodbye and tell her you love her?’ Carli’s tone was as cheeky as her sparkling gaze.
Gabriel came over to Frankie and lowered his mouth to hers in a bri
ef kiss. ‘I’ll see you tonight, cara. I won’t be late. We’ll eat out.’
‘You didn’t say it,’ Carli said. ‘You didn’t tell her you love her.’
‘That’s because Frankie already knows how I feel about her,’ Gabriel said in an even tone. ‘Don’t you, tesoro mio?’
Frankie’s smile felt as if it was stitched to her face. ‘Yes. I do, and I feel exactly the same.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
FRANKIE CAME BACK to the villa half an hour later with a pregnancy test kit. She couldn’t think straight unless she knew for sure. Had Gabriel’s sister, in that street-smart way of hers, suspected something? Carli’s question hadn’t been an unreasonable one. Lots of newly married couples were asked the very same thing.
But Frankie and Gabriel were not just any other normal couple on the threshold of their life together. They only had a year together and that was not the sort of marriage in which she would like any child of hers to be born.
And yet the thought of a baby, a child of her own, was something that made her heart swell with excitement. She had been denied a mother but what if she became a mother herself? Showering her child with the love she had in her heart to give? It was all but bursting out of her—the joy and thrill of possibly holding a newborn baby in her arms in nine months’ time.
Frankie performed the test and came out of the bathroom to wait the required time for the result. Her heart was beating like a kettle drum, the pounding in her chest reverberating in her skull. Was that two lines? Was that positive? There was a sound behind her and she swung around to see Gabriel standing there.
She whipped the test wand behind her back and forced a smile to her lips. ‘Dio mio. You startled me. W-why are you back so soon?’ She was annoyed by the giveaway tremble in her voice. Even more annoyed by the storm of colour she could feel creeping over her cheeks.
His gaze narrowed in suspicion. ‘What are you hiding?’
Frankie considered lying but she suspected he wouldn’t fall for it anyway.
She swallowed against a pillow-sized lump in her throat and brought the test wand from behind her back. ‘It’s a pregnancy test. I—’
‘What?’ His voice was even more strangled than hers. ‘You’re...pregnant?’ The horror in his expression didn’t do anything favourable for her overstretched nerves.
‘I—I don’t actually know for sure...’ Frankie looked at the wand, her heart in her throat. ‘Oh... It’s...negative...’ She should have been feeling relieved but instead she felt strangely disappointed. Bitterly disappointed, as if she’d yet again jinxed someone’s chance at life. First her mother, then her twin brother and now her little baby.
‘Negative?’ His gaze was so narrowly trained on hers he could have been aiming for a pistol target. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’ll do another test if you like.’ Frankie gave him a self-deprecating glance. ‘I have several.’
He scrubbed a hand down his face, the sound loud in the silence. ‘How long have you suspected you were pregnant?’ His voice had a scraped raw quality to it.
‘Not long. I’m a week late and I—’
‘But you’ve been taking the Pill, sì?’ He sounded like a lawyer cross-examining a suspect in a major crime.
‘Of course I have. How you could think otherwise?’
A glint of cynicism backlit his gaze. ‘You were never a fan of my rules, were you?’
Frankie swung away in frustration and anger. ‘You can’t control everything in life, Gabriel. You think you can, but you can’t. Sometimes medication can fail. Nothing is one hundred percent foolproof.’ She turned and faced him again. ‘Do you really think I would deliberately get myself pregnant to a man who only wants to be married to me for a year?’
‘You know my reasons for that—’
‘What are your reasons? You are an amazing brother to Carli. What makes you so sure you won’t make a great father?’
Gabriel drew in a sharp breath and let it out in a savage rush. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
Frankie came up close and touched him on the arm but he took her by the shoulders and set her from him. ‘No, Francesca. There’s no point discussing this. I’m not going to change my mind.’ He turned and walked out of the room as if he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as her.
Frankie sat on the bed with a heavy sigh, her eyes straying to the pregnancy test wand. It was still negative. Her hand crept to her belly...thoughts of what could have been making her mood slump even further. She hadn’t realised how much she longed to be a mother until it had been taken away. Was she so cursed that even the most natural thing in the world was to be denied her? She wanted a chance to hold her baby in her arms, to love it as she was sure her mother must have loved her. What if she never had a baby? What if she never had the chance to experience motherhood?
What if no one ever loved her the way she dearly longed to be loved?
Surely there was a way to get Gabriel to open up a little more about his reasons for avoiding fatherhood? Or was his intransigence about becoming a parent another way of keeping her at an emotional distance? He was prepared to enjoy the physical benefits of their marriage for a year but he was not prepared to share his deepest fears and misgivings about this most important of topics.
And that was the most heart-breaking thing of all—that he had so much to give but he was denying himself the opportunity to undo some of the damage of his past. He was denying himself love and family and, as a result, denying her as well.
For what future would she have without him?
* * *
Gabriel went for a walk to clear his head of images of tiny babies. To say he was shocked to find Frankie with a pregnancy test wand in her hand would be an understatement. Bringing a child into his life, having that child bear the surname of a criminal family such as his, was something he couldn’t face. To have his child grow up and encounter the same prejudice and shame he had endured over the course of his life was unthinkable. He hadn’t been able to save his brothers no matter how hard he’d tried. And his sister Carli was still an ongoing worry. His father was facing a lengthy prison sentence and the press would be all over the trial like ants at a picnic. How could he think about bringing a child into that mix?
The stain of Gabriel’s background had never felt more indelible. He couldn’t escape the shame of his heritage—it was never going to be whitewashed, no matter how much he wished it could be.
Because there was a secret place deep inside him that did wish it. The fatherhood trapdoor inside his head might be locked and bolted but every now and again a sliver of light would seep through. A beam of possibility, of hope that he could have a normal life. A life that included a wife who adored him and whom he adored in return. A family, children who looked for him for love and protection.
But nothing about him was normal.
It never had been and it never would be.
* * *
Frankie didn’t see Gabriel until the following evening. He had sent her a text that something had come up at work but she suspected it had more to do with him needing some space. He hadn’t slept with her the night before. She didn’t even know if he had come back home at all. She refused to think of where he might have been or if anyone had been with him. She hated feeling those snapping jaws of jealousy nipping at her self-esteem but how could she feel secure when he kept putting up a wall?
It was hard for her to settle to anything. Ever since the pregnancy scare, she had felt on edge, unsettled, restless and empty. Empty of hope. She had thought she was doing the right thing in marrying Gabriel to save her heritage and her father’s reputation. But at what personal cost? She was married to a man who had a clock ticking on their relationship. With rules he insisted could not be broken. What sort of relationship was that? Especially when she wanted more. Much more. The more she knew in her heart he was capable of giving, but was too
stubborn or too closed down to admit it.
Gabriel came into the bedroom where she was preparing for bed. His expression reminded her of a tightly closed vault—barely a muscle moved, not even to smile. ‘Sorry I’m late. I got caught up with something.’
Frankie folded her cardigan with exaggerated care and laid it over the back of the velvet wing chair. ‘We need to talk. Really talk.’
A flash of anger lit his gaze. ‘So, you’re still insisting on hearing all the gory details of my childhood?’
‘If you’re ready to tell me, then yes.’
He rubbed a hand down his face as if he would like to erase the jagged white scar on his cheekbone. ‘No one could come out of my family and not have baggage. I’ve prided myself on being the normal one in my family. But I’m not. I’m just as damaged, just as soiled as the rest of them.’
Frankie frowned. ‘No, you’re not, You’re a wonderful person, Gabriel, and I—’
‘Listen to me, Francesca.’ His tone was so brittle it shocked her into silence. He took a harsh-sounding breath and continued. ‘I have been educated on the proceeds of drugs, of other people’s miserable suffering. I can never wipe that from my memory no matter how much I want to. I enjoyed every privilege that my father’s filthy money could buy from the age of ten or so until I was hit in the face by the ugly truth.’
‘But you didn’t sell the drugs. You’re not responsible for—’
‘No, but I feel responsible.’ His fist jabbed at his chest where his heart was situated. Jab. Jab. Jab. ‘I feel it every time I see a homeless drug addict begging on the streets. I feel it every time I see a discarded syringe in a back alley. Damn it, I feel it every time I see sign my surname across a contract. That’s who I am. A Salvetti. I can’t escape it and I would rather die than let any child of mine bear the burden of that name and all the horror and suffering it represents.’
Penniless Virgin to Sicilian's Bride Page 14